Can you give me some advice?


My elderly father moved in with my husband and me three years ago. It was not our idea, he almost forced his way in. Despite having a 2 million dollar nursing home policy he doesn't want to go. He is ill and I have been forced to cut way back on work to take care of him. he also brought his dog which I have to take care of as well. I have no brothers or sisters. I will be 59 in Feb.
The stress is getting to me. There is "bad blood" between us; my mother passed in 1984 at the age of 57 from cancer and he did not take care of her- he shipped her off to her own mother to care for her dying child. He did not care for his own mother either; leaving his brother-in-law to do that and when he could no longer do it, she was shipped to a nursing home where my father very rarely saw her. Right after my mother died he began dating right away (even two of my friends) and then married again in 1986; she passed from cancer as well in 1990. They were living in Las Vegas at the time and my husband and I are in Florida (originally from NY) I went out for the funeral and then three days later my father flew in and wanted to live with us; he did not want to live alone (he was 63 at the time, in excellent health and financially stable) He came to live with us and dated a stream of women until he married again in 1995. They lived only a mile away from us. As they both got older they fell ill and it somehow became my job to take care of them both. Finally, in early 2012 they separated; she went to live with her family in Delaware; he came here.
It is all about him. His heart, his hip (he has fallen in the house twice and broken his hip) Then he gets better, drives his car (and was dating a 68 year old woman he met while in rehab for his hip- he'll be 88 in Jan.) and gets nasty. Then he gets sick again, expects me to go to the hospital several times a day to visit him and bring him food from home as he doesn't like the hospital food. When he was in rehab he did the same thing- wanting me to go every day and bring him food. The nurses were amazed to see me there everyday; they said most adult children sporadically visit their parents.
His goal is to live in my house until he dies. What a nice thought- finding him dead one day and having to wait for the coroner to carry him out in a body bag- I'll be real comfortable in my home after that. It is wearing on my husband as well; he works nights and the constant parade of nurses and physical therapists wake him up during the day so he can't sleep. He has to help my father in the shower.
My father told the nurse the other day that he is very little trouble. Sure, I only have to cook, clean, do your laundry, take care of your dog, take care of your legal affairs, make your doctor appointments and take you to them and keep track of your meds and sometimes help you in the bathroom...are you kidding me? All while trying to work.
Can anyone advise me before I lose my mind completely?

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thank you so much for your informative responses:)
Helpful Answer (0)

Was there part of the conversation where your dad said to you and your husband " I'm getting on and need some assistance; may I come to live with you? Let's work out an agreement so you can be compensated for your time, inconvenience and lost wages"? No? Then you have not consented to what is going on and need to have a corrective conversation.

Sit down with your husband; maybe a session or two with a counselor to prime you for this conversation. Then have a sit down with Dad. Sounds like he's used to getting what he demands. Let him make demands of folks who are being paid to work for him.
Helpful Answer (3)

BTW, what he expects does not have to be what you give to him. If he expects you to bring food, don't. The hospital provides food. If he expects you to serve him by doing things he can do for himself, don't. Respect is a 2-way street. So many adult children (myself included) allow ourselves to be bullied by a parent. I guess it is a way of life that we see our parents as boss. As we get older, we have to start choosing what is best for everyone and take the control back from someone who uses bullying tactics. Perhaps if you can pull back and see your father as a client, instead of family, it will help you decide what to do. It would be a big step in helping you establish firm boundaries with him. (I don't like that word boundaries. It can be so overused, but sometimes it is the right word.)
Helpful Answer (2)

Your dad has long term care insurance? Find him an Assisted Living facility. Tell your father that he can't live with you anymore. Read the book Boundaries. You can find it on Amazon.
Helpful Answer (4)

This is terrible. If we could go back many years I would say do not let him come live with you. The only thing I can say now is do not let him continue to live with you. He is making your life miserable. The big question is how you are going to get him out.

Reading what you wrote, I get the feeling your father doesn't have much respect for women.That may include you. He could live on his own, but chose originally to move in with you to take advantage of free cook/maid services. Really -- most adults prefer to live their own lives in their own place.

There is a long-running thread on here about getting a parent out of your house who doesn't want to leave. It is not an easy thing to do. I guess the simplest approach would be for you and your husband to talk to him and tell him that it is not working out. It is time for him to move. Then help him find a place, get him packed up and in his new place. Then change the locks. I worry about the dog. I hope you can either keep it or make sure it will be well cared for. The dog is an innocent bystander.
Helpful Answer (3)

Would it be possible to obtain Guardianship? If he can be established as incompetent, the court could award Guardian status to your husband and court order him to a Nursing Home.
Your other option is to wait for another hospitalization, then you INSIST you cannot take him back. No patient can be forced on anybody, you clearly inform the discharge planner that he can NOT be discharged to your home, and that he has the two million dollar coverage. Show them the policy.
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