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Has anyone heard of that well-worn but powerful caveat, "God helps those who help themselves."? Stop putting up with all this crap and create save havens for yourselves. How do I know? The Bible tells me so! Enough already!
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To sunnydreās... Im so glad i stumbled over this. Ive been struggling with my similar situation as well. The only difference is my mom lives with me im her 24/7 caregiver. She gets ss and her rent money and doesnt pay me anything. Which makes me so upset cause sheʻs living the life like a queen while i cant work necause of her. My brother lives in her house for free. But she doesnt say anything to him. Im feeling depressed and upset. The only thing that gets me thru is knowing that im doing it from a spiritual point of view. I try so hard to overcome these feelings toward her. I pray both of us find peace in our situations.
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I had an extremely bad situation here all at the same time: caring for my dying Dad, husband, stepmother, mother-in-law and father-in-law with a MIL who was determined to come between me and my husband and did so quite successfully. I had to learn to calm down and take my solace in tiny bits and here's how I did it: take your cup of coffee or tea out to the back porch and watch the sunset. Hear the birds and ducks and geese fighting for the best spot at the end of the pond and settling in. Keep carrots and apples to feed the deer that come by late at night and fill a bird feeder and watch the cardinals and squirrels and bluejays squabble over the food. Buy a small notebook and journal good things to be grateful for and even small sketches. You will be surprised what you noticed when looking back. Travel if you can to very far out-of-the-way places like Africa and India where no one can reach you for three weeks. Admittedly, I only got to do this twice in 17 years of caregiving but it helped to get completely away. Go sit on the beach and watch the tide come in. Yes, you are still and always will be alone but you will be in a place where no one can kick you, hit you, knock out your teeth or split your lip. My stepmother and husband are still alive and although I still care for them, I no longer feel what I used to about them. I have made my own life, on edge habitats, and these small steps kept my sanity when I thought I was losing my mind. Good luck.
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Ignorotic boy you sure nailed that one! I can be slow to accept things but you put it clearly, my family jokes with me that my mom accuses me of causing WW2, even though I wasn't born then!
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I have been taking care of my mom and dad for two years. They live with me. My mom is now in end stage COPD. I am trying to coordinate hospice with Medicaid so that I may keep her aids. My dad is 94 and has dementia. He is always trying to assist mom and it is not possible. I am an only child and at this point I don't know what to do. If I put mom in a hospice facility, I still have dad to care for in addition to running to see mom. Dad is not eligible for medicaid so I would have to try and find outside help. I work full time. My husband is a very big help but we are both exhausted. Mom has not been sleeping even with the medications (morphine/atavan). Is anyone caring for both parents. Any suggestions or support would be greatly appreciated.
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Hi Everyone! Thank you all for the above. It is comforting to read of other caregivers' experiences. Each experience is so valuable. It has made me feel so less alone after having to deal with my mother's nastiness and vitriol - even over the neighbour's cat!
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I'm happy every one in a while. I'm happy when I go to my 's support group. I'm happy after a two mile walk in the woods. I'm happy when I get a new batch of foster kittens too play with. I'm happy when it's nice and I can work in my yard. BUT, there's always the dark cloud of Mom hanging over me. So, I guess I just have find little pieces of happiness. MOM lives with me and I don't like her as a person. That's sad to say. That definitely adds to the problem. Being with someone 24/7 that you don't like and would never course as a friend, is very difficult. I must live her, since I take such good care of her, but I do not like. I try to. I pray that God will help help feel warm , fuzzy feelings towards her, but they're not there. I always say "love is a, verb, not a noun or a feeling". So, I just take my happiness in little bits and pieces since my nature is to be happy, but I'm like someone earlier in the thread - I can easily flip into a negative frame of mind. Actually, usually as soon as my Mom wants up in the morning. Lol. She's narcissistic and I am her servant. Now, she can't do anything, but I became her servant the second she moved in. A lifetime of servitude is hard to break, but the happiness streak in me is strong and breaks out at small things.

No, I do not enjoy caregiving. I've never liked it and here I am, 24/7. It's hard, Sunnydreams, to be happy as a caregiver, unless maybe your mother was your best friend. I do hear people say that all the time. I have to realize that isn't the case for me, never was, and never will be. I just try to get away and have a little joy. Good luck in finding some.
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I don't think I can fairly say that I have a happy meter or a sad meter. Why do we have to decide??? I still have my kids to care for and my husband works in another state and........my in-laws kids kicking and screaming over the frustration of recovery for the latest health issue and someone has to be level headed. My husband is improving in level headedness but the family.....???? So......should I have to evaluate my happy? I am just getting through today and frankly am more exhausted than happy or sad. I hate that we evaluate this aspect in ourselves and others. Aren't some of these aspects of life just a fact? What else can I do but plod along when I also have a crazy mother who puts unreasonable demands on me and I say no and then get in trouble. Ugh.
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I found this wonderful site last week and have been reading others' experiences with great interest.

My dad is 86, has been living with me and my husband since 2002, and has always been independent. He was a professional driver and still plays pool at a championship level. My mom passed on in 1986.

Only recently has my dad been displaying need for certain kinds of assistance -- i.e. finances and medical. The past month and a half have been a blur of VA doctor's appointments and hospital stays for a variety of things. There was even some dental work early last month. There have been two nosebleeds, one requiring EMS. I give Dad nightly injections of an anticoagulant (for DVT). He has an enlarged prostate, and is being treated for depression.

Suddenly, my focus now includes his well-being -- making sure he gets his morning and evening meds, eats and drinks enough, gets to the doctor, and other concerns. My workplace has been very flexible, thank God, and since I have no children, I am better able to devote my time and effort.

Can a caregiver be happy ... I've been wrestling with this one. I have already decided upon what I can and cannot handle, which areas of my life must remain unchanged (need job, need activities, downtime, etc.).

I have vacillated between being hopeful and encouraged and balanced, and feeling despondent and filled with dread. Every day I wonder, "how is Dad doing at home?" or "will his depression keep him on the couch today?" When I'm at the office, I can somewhat relax. When I'm home, and I go downstairs and he's in a bad way/feeling horrible/wanting God to take him, I feel completely powerless.

And the kicker -- things are still relatively manageable! I cannot even think about the future.

At this point I am learning how to separate Dad's needs from my own, and trying to maintain an emotional balance. I refuse to entertain any sense of guilt because that is unproductive. I have assumed a lot of responsibility over the past couple of months, and I realize that I am just one person. My husband is a wonderful soft place for me to fall.

I CAN be happy, at times. It's an ongoing challenge and I am learning how to navigate this new role.

Thank you all for your perspective and what you are teaching me.
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Oh my Lord, Ignorotic, You nailed it for me. I couldn't go to bed as I wouldn't be able to sleep because "the mother" was in another of her moods ( which are becoming more frequent lately) and knew this site would make me feel better.
This woman has been dying since Aug. to the point of having the family gathering and the crying and all about 5x's. I've had Hospice since Nov. She has been in respite care for a week for extreme anxiety, aggression and hallucinations. And now is her old self again. Selfish, cruel, greedy, lazy,etc. and isn't affraid to tell me and whoever what a bad caregiver I am. I asked her why this evening and her response was something about the corner of her blanket and I said "I fixed it" and she said I know, I said,(and I know better, to keep my mouth shut) "Oh, it wasn't fast enough".
I like how you point out about not getting credit when things go well. I'm not looking for credit, but it sure would be nice if it were in the picture.
So she had me call my 'Golden Child ' brother who she has signed everything over to (that reminds me she accused me of taking control of all her money, this evening) to come as soon as possible, as she wants to go to a nursing home where she can get proper care.
And Blah, Blah, Blah
It's all about control. Right from the begining. And I like the part you say about revenge on some percieved slight. I think it's got something to do with my relationship with my father. He died in my arms. I came hear to care for him because she was (in my eyes) abusing him. Maybe she feels I took better care of him. Who knows. Then your very last statment. She would not want anyone else to care for her, after all, on the good days, she says I'm a 'good waitress'.
All I ever wanted to be was her daughter.
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Good question, sunny.
Tonight I am happy, so I guess you can be happy. Why I am happy, I don't know, but I am. Earlier today my nerves were jangled. I look for what I call pockets of peace in my life. The past week I have been through a pile of emotions - up, down and sideways. Do I live in the land of "happy"? No, but I visit it when I can. Sometimes it is stroking my tabby and hearing him purr. Sometimes it is achieving what I want when I prepare a dish for supper. Sometimes it is feeling good about a new haircut. Sometimes it is being on the computer and listening to good music.
Being a caregiver is very stressful and I find I have to look for/create these pockets of peace. I can't hold my breath waiting for it to end. I have to live now. Time moves on and if now isn't good enough then it is time to change something.
My mother is suffering too - with paranoia, but I didn't cause that and I can't fix it. I can try to get her the help she needs, I can cooperate with the professionals, I can agonize about the ethics of concealing meds that she doesn't want to take, I can take whatever action I see beneficial, but - what I can do is finite, there is only so much one person can do for another, there is an end to it. After that, let it go and get on with your life.
There are crises and there are crises with narcissists. If the crisis is life threatening, by all means do what you can. If the crisis is that she can't get the right brand of toilet paper, let it go. You will never stem the stream of crises. It is how she functions - or dysfunctions. It really has nothing to do with you, though it affects you deeply. If you get hit by a bus tomorrow she will carry on as she is.
So why do you feel guilty? You have done nothing to cause her to suffer. You are doing what you can to help her. You cannot live her life for her. Whatever suffering she has is hers to deal with. You can't take it away. Because she is suffering, it does not mean that you have to.
My friend that died at Christmas taught me a very good lesson. Her husband was in hospital dying from cancer. They had been an item from Grade 2 and were very close. Yet, every morning she took time to read her newspaper, and then join the girls (her support group) for coffee and often breakfast. She turned up at the hospital about noon. I was staying with her during this period, and one day she said to me, "I know Rod (her husband) would like me to come in the morning, but I need this time for myself."
It had nothing to do with her love for him. They were a very solid couple. He had a need and she had a need and they conflicted. She choose to take the time for herself because she felt it was essential for her. Perhaps he wanted her there, but it really was not a need. She went at noon daily and stayed well into the night, at times all night. But she also looked after herself,
I am going to suggest that you do the same. Any narcissist is a bottomless pit of needs and wants. Deal with the ones which are, in your view - not hers, legitimate and worth your efforts. Also plan good things for you and don't let her crises spoil them. Don't even let her know about them as she will try to upstage you. It is the nature of the beast. Work on stopping obsessing about your mum, letting go of the guilt and focussing on yourself and your needs. You deserve a life too. Take a ten minute break from thinking about her and do something you enjoy. Then take a 20 minute break and so on. Finally allow yourself a limited period of time daily to worry about her and then let it go and do things for you.(((((((hugs))))) I know it is hard but it can be done.
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Suzy he sounds like just a really nasty piece of work. Don't let him ruin your temper forever! - as they say about all terrorists, you mustn't let them win. And thank God he's not your blood relative… :)
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I was happy taking care of my mother until she died but this step father-in-law is a different story. How do you feel good about taking care of someone who I feel mistreated and used his family. He was stingy,selfish, self serving and on top of that a male chauvinist. Women to him are just servants for men. I can feel my blood pressure rise when he opens his mouth. I will never be the same after this I don't think
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So after my own caregiving experience, meeting others in the field, and reading so many stories here, I have come to a general conclusion.

Unless someone has a condition that caused them to mentally change, most loving, caring parents would never ask you as their child to sacrifice your own life, time, career, family, etc in order to be a caregiver. Not say a parent who asks for some help is a bad person; but good parents/patients keep in mind what is reasonable to ask and what is not. They would never blame you for things that happen, and they would never take your help for granted.

On the other hand, parents/family members/etc who have been selfish, cruel, greedy, lazy, etc all of their lives will continue to be those things and demand that you forfeit your life to cater to their every desire. These are people who spent a lifetime learning to manipulate you, and do it shamelessly. For these people, nothing is ever good enough, and they aren't afraid to tell you and everyone else what a bad caregiver you are. To them, you are the one who should be responsible for any problems, and if things go wrong you are the one who takes the blame (while never getting any credit for all the times things go well).

Most of us, I think, are in that latter category, and it sets the mood for a very unhappy situation. I've seen parents and patients who start off lazy, and just view a caregiver as a servant. Even worse, I've seen people who do things to make the caregiving job harder because they want revenge on the caregiver for some perceived slight.

I've also seen some good patients/parents who try very hard to ease the burden of those who care for them. They are the ones who try so hard to maintain control of their lives, and often they can graduate from even needing a caregiver.

These are just my observations, and I know it's never quite that black and white. Still, I think many caregiving situations are just built to cause unhappiness due to the type of person who would want (not need) you to wait on them 24/7.
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... All in all, I think I was as "content" as I allowed myself to be. Compared to other people in this forum who seemed to rejoice after their parents' death, I never had it so bad. At first I wanted to save the damsel in distress. Then, when I began to feel as if in Purgatory, I put her in a cab and watched her ride into the sunset. ... Sounds heartless, but I have no regrets.
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Happiness in caregiving? Imagine yourself in hell, asking for a tall glass of ice water, and getting an ice cube.

"Happiness" was such as pregnant word and an elusive state when I cared for my mother. I think the only times I was happy was when I made fun of myself after those brainless moments.
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I think it was Abraham Lincoln that said Most people are as happy as they make up their minds to be...I've been a hands on caregiver for my MIL for a few years now...the last has been the hardest because the only thing left that she is able to do herself is get food from plate to mouth and that ability is fading fast. We try to help preserve her dignity so make sure my husband is out of the room when she has to be bathed or changed. I'm 64 and yes I see all the commercials about what some of the rest of the seniors are enjoying in their golden years and I have to say that cleaning a 91 year old back side is not quite up there with a cruise to some tropical island...but yes I'm a happy person. I still change décor to go with the seasons, stay in touch with friends by phone, ( best friend in the world died this year... and it was a blessing) her suffering is over and she had been a faithful Christian for over 35 years so I know she is in a much better place. My husband and I sneak in date nights by renting a new movie and bringing in take out that we enjoy together after I get Mom in bed. He still takes time to go out to the air port and mess around with his plane and he gives me a break to go shopping and out to lunch with our daughter, who lives about 20 minutes away. I like to be creative and finishing a project makes me happy. My mother passed away in 95...she was diagnosed with cancer on Wednesday and died the following Tuesday...it was fast and brutal but she didn't have to suffer very long. It is hard watching my MIL die by inches...some of the silly things that happen in caregiving give us both something to giggle over. My husband and I sometimes laugh to keep from crying...but happy ....yes...you make the best of what ever situation you find yourself in...about the only thing we've found that MIL can still actually enjoy is listening to music...she tries watching movies but between loss of sight and dementia doesn't get much out of any of them...am I tired of listening to the Boogie Woogie Bugle Boys...pretty much but can still see the humor in that too...breaks my heart that I have a 15 year old granddaughter and I've never been able to travel out of state to watch one of her soccer games...she's great...was here and helped decorate for Christmas this last year wearing a crown she made out of an old garland and stuck a poinsettia in it. Was there for many of her older sisters games but Micah understands, we would be there if we could be. I do get to see the other grandkids more regularly and feel blessed about that. I guess I feel happy by choosing to concentrate really hard on the good stuff, even when I have to sometimes search to find it and trying to blow off the bad and forget about it...my faith helps me with that more than I can really put into words. I read about the early Christians who were put in prison and tortured for Christ's sake and counted it all joy...if they could do that I can surely find joy in doing what I know is right, by caring for an elderly person who is no longer able to care for herself.
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Everyone wants to be happy I think. Some of us have more up beat personalities than others and see the "glass as half full, instead of half empty." Happiness can seem illusive when dealing with chronic problems all the time. You wake up expecting the worst a lot. The past 4 years have been a mess here, and trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel is very hard sometimes. I am trying so hard to rely on my faith. Many may hoff at that, it's a dying thing today, faith. Faith is the assured expectation of things unseen. My expectation is assured by God who allow his only son to die in behalf of all mankind, including me. That speaks volumes, that God allow his only son to die for my sins. He allow this so that in the future when His Kingdom that Jesus taught us to pray for rules the earth as it does in heaven, people won't be the caregivers of sick people anymore. The Bible, which is God's word, holds promises that God has fulfilled and will continue to fulfill till every promise comes true. Nothing is beyond the power of God because everything belongs to Him. (Hebrews 3:4) Why all this suffering if God loves us, and has the power to fix it anytime he wants? Because of Satan, Adam and Eve. All of whom God was the life-giver. God had the right to tell these beings how he wanted them to live, and it wasn't at all difficult. Read Genesis. Satan accused God of lying to Adam and Eve, and challenged God's right to rule that in which He created. Adam and Eve out of free choice made an informed wrong decision. They were warned that if they ate from the forbidden tree, that they would die. They did, and now all mankind is dying because we are born sinners. (Romans 5:12) But there is a very bright hope that we can focus on. The Kingdom that Jesus said we should pray for in the model prayer at Matthew chapter 6. When God's Kingdom rules the earth as it does in heaven, God will once and for all time answer what Satan questioned in the Garden of Eden. God's right to rule over mankind. There is no doubt that we need God and his righteousness. Just one of the many, many things that will happen is found at Revelation 21:3,4. It reads in part, "God will wipe out every tear from their eyes and death will be no more." This promise is sure. Find out more at jw.org
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Sunnydreams - hope I'm not being annoyingly simplistic - monitoring without being there: keep a speed dial list of

neighbours (ideally appoint one as emergency point of contact, and make sure they have your number, too)
doctor
local social services (ideally she should have a key worker, whom you clutch to your bosom like your oldest friend)
local ER

Consider getting her a panic button if she hasn't already got one. Any service will help you identify a list of priority contacts depending on what the emergency is.

Hope this helps for short-term peace of mind until you've got her safely moved. x

PS More pie for fun things! Meditate, read a funny book, take energetic exercise - whatever gives your mind a rest.
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Hi Assandache7, I like that M&M idea - right now my shell ain't so tough!

Thanks Countrymouse, that makes a lot of sense my responsible adult and inner child are definitely in great conflict. I definitely will be thinking about what choices I do have that I can make. I find it hard not to think about the situation with her all the time (so my pie chart is wacked) because right now it's in that phase of waiting for something to happen before I can act.

Hi Debralee, yep strange isn't it that your caring and responsible nature has earned you first responder status even though you'd not choose it. And even just constantly hearing the complaints and dumping of negative emotion during every single contact even if there isn't a crisis is wearing. I'm glad you've managed to get some distance - I'm not sure how to get any more distance without being unable to know what is going on and help her when it's needed.
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Sunnydreams I know exactly how you feel. My mother tries choosing me over my other two sisters for her needs and crisis's. It is a constant emotional battle of not letting my mother attempt to overtake my life. There is not a day that goes by that I do no dwell on my mother's need to be used as her first responder. I dread her phone calls. Never know if there is going to be a minor crisis or listening to how lonely or depressed she is. She never burdens my sisters like this. I wish she would not hone in on me exclusively to solve all her problems. I am not her favorite nor do we have a close relationship. I have distance myself and established boundaries. My sisters feel they are secondary due to my mother's preference for me as primary. They do not realize how lucky they are. I would gladly become the last chosen and not have to emotionally deal with a mother looks to only one daughter for help.
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My knee-jerk response to the question was "yes, of course you can."

It's not quite as simple as that. I think: you can be as happy as a caregiver as you can be as a person. Which for many - most? - of us means, not necessarily that happy.

The added complication of caregiving is that it often - especially in your circumstances, Sunny - brings us into direct, involuntary contact with one of the key sources of common difficulties: our parent. And not just our parent, but our parent in need, our parent suffering, our parent as an individual separate person whom we have to look at objectively, as well as the mother we owe, or don't owe, reciprocal loving care.

So that at exactly the moment where the responsible adult in us in trying to work out good practical solutions to provide this individual with the best possible quality of life, the remembered child in us may have a radically different set of emotions towards its parent - which form a separate problem.

It's no good saying firmly "this is not the moment to address your issues." True, your parent is most unlikely to be able to help you with them, so in that sense it's futile expecting him or her to respond. But at the same time the presence of your parent in your life is forcing those issues to the surface, so it's equally unreasonable to expect yourself to put them completely out of your mind. They're right there, you can't just ignore them.

Hm. Once, as a junior doctor in ER, my ex-husband was required to treat a terrorist who, having shot and killed his target, had been shot in turn and injured by security personnel. My ex had no warm feelings towards the terrorist's cause, to understate it by some way. He managed to detach, and the patient lived: it was one of the things about him that I most admired. But, extreme as his experience was, he didn't have to practice emotional detachment 24/7 for an indefinite period; he didn't have to keep it up without knowing, even, when the end would be. So, how's it done?

Search me. But I know these help a bit:

It feels like it's overshadowing every aspect of your life; but actually that's up to you. Peg Bracken quoted the Bible in a domestic context thus: "when you cook, you cook. When you clean, you clean. Sufficient unto the time is the evil thereof." So: when you're dealing with your mother - administratively or hands-on - you're doing that. When you're off-duty, you're not. Take and enjoy your active off-duty time; don't spend it on worrying about your mother while someone else is responsible for her (and I'm a fine one to talk!).

Remember and enumerate the other things in your life that matter to you. They are still important. You could even do yourself a pie-chart of your time and thoughts: your mother might have the biggest slice, but there'll be plenty of other slices too. I am a full-time caregiver, but I haven't stopped being a rugby fan, a mother, a keen reader and an incorrigible shouter-at-the-radio during political discussion programmes - so I seem (to my surprise) to have quite a lot of mental space left over from thinking about my mother's needs. And that's not counting the time I occasionally devote to wondering what the hell's to become of me once this is all over...

Statistics say you are likely to be the survivor. When that day dawns, you will have done the best you could. Don't store up failures to feel guilty about. Learn from mistakes, learn what characteristics in your mother trigger your anger and avoid bringing them out, learn what needs doing because it makes a difference and what you're doing for form's sake - figure out what really matters and what you can drop. It's an imperfect world. Why should you have to get everything right?

I personally have found that correcting my mother's caregiving faults (I'm sure I make different mistakes instead, I'm not claiming sainthood here!) makes me feel less sore about them. I don't ignore medical symptoms. I don't dismiss her fears. I attend promptly to her comfort. I tell her, aloud, that her wishes and her happiness are important, and that she no longer needs to justify her existence. And, do you know, it's as if every time I'm crossing off a historic problem. Not only that, I feel as if I'm also correcting the even older abuses that made her so ill-equipped to look after anyone else - including me. It's surprisingly comforting, and not in an "aren't I superior" way - in a "this was wrong, that's better" way.

Sunny, of course I have no idea what your issues with your mother are, let alone what their roots were. Maybe, if you feel that your mother is actively culpable for example, caring for her is going to prove literally impossible. Take your time thinking it through. Remember you can ensure her care without actually doing it: that does NOT make you a bad or uncaring child, merely one who's had all she can take. In the end it's only your judgement that counts, because it's only you who really understands all the factors.

I conclude that caregiving in itself doesn't affect your ability to be happy. The problems it adds are the lack of choice about having the moral responsibility, which you can't do anything about; but then the question of how you fulfil it, which you can. Choose the ways that are right for you.
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By separating your own feelings from your loved one causes you to become like a M&M, sweet on the inside with a hard shell on the outside!!

Hopefully one day I'll again be able to break that shell and find my sweetness again!
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Thanks Jeanne too, you made me tear up saying I deserve some happiness. That's how much I need to hear that! The people in my life don't send that message, quite the opposite. It is indeed the difficult relationship with my mother that underlies it all. Were our positions reversed she would not generously care for me, she didn't when I was a child either. I've been in therapy for many years so I'm a bit of a hard case - those guilt buttons are super-glued in there. I'll keep chipping away at them with encouragement from good folks like you.
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Thanks JessieBelle, it does make a lot of sense. I'm someone who kind of sits on the edge, I can be an overall positive person but under enough stress I flip and become overall negative. Can't do anything halfway! I find all too often the issues around my mother's aging makes me flip negative and it's tough to shake myself out of it. Then it affects the rest of my life. I like your idea of trying to make my attitude generally my decision, like committing to what kind of person I want to be....I hope I can pull it off.
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Happiness is certainly possible for a caregiver ... maybe not as an overall state of mind, but in dribs and drabs and bursts. How could I be happy that my beloved husband was declining in front of my eyes? But we had many happy moments together in the 10 years I cared for him with dementia.

My mother is in her 90s and often in physical pain and also suffers from dementia. That certainly does not make me happy, but I am happy to spend some time with her. My relationship with her does not consume my whole life.

I think one factor here is that I never felt responsible for my loved ones' impairments. I certainly did not cause their dementia, for example. I had absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. And I didn't/don't feel guilty.

Perhaps more importantly, I had a good relationship with these loved ones. I knew that if our situations were reversed, my husband would do his utmost to take good care of me. I took satisfaction in protecting the quality of his life. I love my mother, and she was nurturing, caring, and loving toward me.

Sunnydreams, perhaps with help you can get off the guilt treadmill. How can you feel happy when your mother is suffering? You can separate your own feelings from her. Surely you won't be happy BECAUSE she is suffering, but what good does it do her for you to be unhappy? You do not cause her suffering. You have no reason to feel guilty for it. Did you mother do a thorough job in installing some guilt buttons? Is that why you can't be happy now? Whatever the underlying cause, I urge you to have a few sessions with a therapist who can help you give up the unnecessary and unproductive guilt.

You can't go back and change the nature of the relationship you have had with Mother. But you can change how you view it, and what you do in relationship with her now. Again, a trained and objective outsider can help you will this process.

I think that the shadow hanging over you is not just that your mother is sick, but that you have never had a good relationship with her.

You do not have to "leave her to the state." Other caregivers have managed to distance themselves (both emotionally and physically) from their abusive, neglectful, or narcissistic parent, and still manage to see that they get good care.

Best of wishes to you as you struggle with this. You deserve some happiness.
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Yes, happiness is possible. I've always thought that a happy person is going to be happy no matter what. And unhappy ones will be unhappy. Even when a parent is sick and grumpy all day, a person can still be happy by pulling themselves out of it. It is when they start getting sucked into it that the unhappiness can begin. I think of a few people we have here on AC. They had or have husbands or parents with dementia, but manage to stay upbeat and caring about other people. I wouldn't be afraid to bet that they have happy personalities. One would have to in order to go through it and still smile.

But then there are grouch-pusses such as me. Nuff said. :)
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