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My family has no money. We've spent it all on trying to get my mother help over the last year and a half. She has had every test done to rule out any neurological problems. 5 different therapists have told her that she can get better if she tried. But she has said many times she does not want to try.


There is nothing wrong with her except for depression, anxiety and a form of PTSD. She has tried MANY medications but fights them all. She has been Baker Acted 8 times within the last year.


She has become violent: hitting myself and my sisters to the point where neighbors call the cops. But she only stays in a Behavioral Hospital for 3 days and the social workers demand to have us pick her up. She does not care for herself anymore. She does not shower, she goes to the bathroom all over herself on the furniture, and she does not wash her clothes. She refuses to cook for herself and if you don't watch her take medicine, she stuffs it into chairs.


She screams around 40/50 times an hour. Every hour.


She refuses therapy and does not have Medicare/Medicaid because she does not qualify. I literally don't know what to do. I can't live the rest of my life being screamed at every single day and getting hit.

"There is nothing wrong with her except for depression, anxiety and a form of PTSD" WHAT? My goodness, your mother is mentally ill, for god's sake! When are we going to recognize that mental illness is a REAL health issue in this country.

"5 different therapists have told her that she can get better if she tried." REALLY? Should we tell the cancer patient to "just TRY to stop growing cancer cells and they'll GET BETTER"? AHHH!

It sounds like you could help your mother by calling Adult Protective Services and telling them you want no responsibility for her and let them step in and (likely) institutionalize your mother. Obviously, I don't know all details, but this is waay beyond your ability to help or make decisions for her. I would work with APS and find out how you don't have to be pulled into this really bad situation. Good luck!
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Lymie61 Nov 14, 2019
While I hear and agree with your point, I think you are being very unfair and far too hard on this OP (original poster). Anyone brave enough to post here is in need of help and compassion not a chewing out, besides I read it a bit differently from you, I think the point of "There is nothing wrong with her except for depression, anxiety and a form of PTSD"  is that nothing physical was found to be contributing to moms issues so the focus of treatment is clear to be on her mental health. I don’t hear any judgment fro the OP about moms issues only Exasperation that "5 different therapists have told her that she can get better if she tried." and by the sounds of it written her off rather than help her through it. This poster is crying out for help, knowing mom needs help with her mental health and trying everything they can think of to get that for her. I think it’s as clear to this family as it is to us reading this that mom needs professional help, likely medication the issue being everything they have tried to accomplish this hasn’t worked so far, they haven’t found a medical team or professional to see this through and are looking for suggestions not judgment and critique. Let’s try to remember why we are here on this forum and why we all come here to this forum, the purpose of this forum.
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Why are all of you living under the same roof? All money has been used for mom's care. Why doesn't she qualify for Medicaid? She is only 59 and is obviously mentally ill. Next time she is hospitalized refuse, I will say that again, REFUSE to bring her home. This is an unsafe discharge for herself and everyone that is living there. Tell the SW she needs more care than can be received at home.

If that fails, get out. Make your own life. Find a place to live and work at getting your career going. Mom needs help that you are not able to provide.
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herdingcats Nov 14, 2019
This seems to me to be the most sensible and most succinct answer! Yes, she is mentally ill and yes, it's gotten beyond your ability to care for her.
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I am so sorry to hear you and your family are going through this! I would under no circumstances continue to live in this abusive situation, for the sake of your own mental health. She needs more help than you can give her, and she has stated out right she’s not interested, so there’s not much more you can do. A drowning person well take down others with them, do not let this happen with your mother. Leave it to the professionals this is over your head. My prayers are with you!
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herdingcats Nov 14, 2019
Good analogy--drowning--she is pulling everyone else down with her.
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Frances, I would encourage you and your siblings to move away from her.

Whatever has caused this problem for your mom can not be solved by you and your siblings subjecting yourselves to her abuse.

Sometimes it takes a shock for people to see what they are doing. You don't provide any information about what has happened or if your mom is just mentally ill, not minimizing that. But that she is quite content to remain as she is doesn't mean that all of you have to remain.

Are there any minor children in the house? Maybe child protective services can help, it is a big deal to call them in, it will force changes, so I recommend that you look at all options before going that route. It may be the best way or you may find that the 5 of you can get a place and let mom fail on her own to get the treatment she needs but doesn't want.

Hugs! Life is full of challenges and you are facing the biggest challenge of all. I pray that you and your siblings find a way to protect yourselves that finally gets your mom meaningful, lasting help.

Next time she is hospitalized tell the social worker that she is not safe to come home and that you will not be picking her up because she has no one to care for her and it is unsafe. Don't let them bully you, no matter what they say, repeat that she can not come home, it is unsafe.
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jfbctc Nov 14, 2019
Hi Isthisrealyreal,
I haven't seen anything written by you in a while. The response you wrote was right on point I believe you put a lot of thought in to your response and believe you've helped a lot of people with your reply. Prayers of thanks going up for having you willing to share your thoughts with all of us. You've always been so kind to me.

Happy Thursday,
John
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Unfortunately, sometimes it is necessary to legally abandon a relative in order for them to get the help they need. I know a grandmother who did this so her daughter would get committed and get the meds and help she needed, while this grandmother worked and raised the 2 grandchildren. So sorry you have to go through this. Prayers and hugs.
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You can you can work with Adult Protective Services to help you file for guardianship/conservatorship. It's usually even easier to get legal guardianship or conservatorship of person and financial if there is no money involved. Even if your mom objects, depending upon the wording of your complaint regarding her behavior, the court will order evaluations. If they determine that you are the best person to be in charge, it will mostly likely be awarded to you even over her objections. When you are in charge, at that point, you get to say what happens even over any your mom's objections.

There is an advantage to remaining the person(s) in charge - - and it is that when the state places someone in charge, that someone does not have to give you any information or consider your needs or ideas when it comes to the care of your mom - - which is to say that they can place her where they want - - and that may be a place difficult for you to visit - - and they don't have to discuss her healthcare or mental progress with you. In fact, they don't even have to tell you where she is.
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JoAnn29 Nov 14, 2019
They have no money and guardianship cost a lot of money. And even if they got it, they would still hit brick walls trying to get her help.
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I honestly do NOT now the how part of it from a legal standpoint. You must contact any and all agencies who deal with people like this. What I can tell you is this. No matter who she is/was, she is no longer the person she once was. Her behavior is completely unacceptable and is doing tremendous harm to you and those around her and it cannot be tolerated. Somehow this woman MUST BE REMOVED and put somewhere. You are NOT responsible and should not be forced into doing so at your expense, both as a caretaker, and financially. If need be, YOU must leave to force placement. You need help and I pray you get it. People like this can literally destroy people. Don't let this happen to you.
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It looks like your just going round and round. One of these doctors needs to put in in a Psychic hold for longer than 3 days. 3 days is not enough time to evaluate her for meds. It can take at least a month to get the right mix.

I agree, if she is Baker act again, ur Dad needs to tell them that they can't safely discharge her. She is a threat to the family and herself.

Your Dad really needs to step up to the plate. Its his wife and he needs to be assertive when it comes to these doctors.

Why doesn't Mom qualify for Medicaid? If its for placement in a facility, you income shouldn't count. Dad can become a community spouse. That means assets are split her split needing to be spent down.
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Frances, your profile states that you and your sisters work fulltime, and that your father works with ride-share? So he is employed, also? Do you all live in the family home?

What does your father say about all of this?
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Is she under the care if a mental health specialist? If not, begin there. If she won't go, you should go, to seek advice and to help find a way to cope.
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