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My dad has dementia. my mom does nothing to help him. she is not involved in his care nor will she do anything to the house to protect him. i have removed rugs and dangerous items so he will not hurt himself only to see it has been replaced. I have begged mom to look for nursing home care but has not done anything yet. i have found one for him but she will not do the paper work for him to be placed. Mom has about 300k cash and she does not want to use any of the money for his care. She continues to say I have to worry about me now. Mom is now going to a lawyer to protect herself her money, really his money because she has not worked a day in her life. I love my dad so much and just want him to be cared for. I have even thought about early retirement to care for him myself however I can't care for him and myself with no income. The other siblings are only worried about mom and money. No one has visited dad since he has entered the psych facility except for myself. I am sick to my stomach as to who my mother has become and my siblings aren't supporting dad at all. Only mom and money. Can she really get away with this?

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You can't say your mom never worked a day in her life. You can say she never got paid to work all her life, but if she's a mom, she worked EVERY day of her life.
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To jennebiggs. Where ever dad goes he will be better off that is obvious. Mom and I are no longer communicating. She will not give me any information on him so I visited him and see he is better off. He was able to recall parts of the incident and I told him I will visit him once he is placed. I am a nurse so I know many of the nursing homes in my area and will make sure he gets the proper care. In time the employees in the nursing home too will see the true person mom has become. If it come to me taking legal action I will do it and spend every dollar I have do accomplish that task. I hurt so badly for my father and too for the destruction of the relationship with my mom and sisters.
I have learned that dads Will has been reviewed. I asked why, well that started a whole new argument. It seems the women in my family only care about who is getting what and not the more important subject of dads care. Sad thing is dad couldn't stop telling mom I love you during our visit....her response was I know.
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I've heard that in some states a spouse can abandon the one in the nursing home, but that is not true in all states. My step-dad hates my mother being in a nursing home and that unlike him has long term care insurance which is helping her money not get spent so fast. However, he wants her to support him with her abundance of money while he does have income and well off children of his own.
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Dadsgirl1, I wonder if your dad could name you his durable power of attorney? Dementia itself would not rule out this possibility, if he can comprehend the concept of letting someone else act on his behalf.
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This is so sad. I hope you can be an advocate for your father, and help ensure he goes to where he can get the best care, which does not sound like returning to his home.
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Madge. My mom and my sisters did not take part in my fathers care. Nurses and physical therapist came over and there was no family interaction. I spent all my free time there. 4 days a week I was there from sunrise to sunset. I took him grocery shopping, went for walks etc....the police have been called any times. Sometimes my dad called the police because no one would let him out. My mom and sisters would sit him on the sofa and leave him there.
My mom is selfish. She is a horrible person. I knew that before but because of my upbringing ...forgive and forget....not this time.
Dad made sure she had everything she ever needed and she treats him like this...I really do not expect my mom to live in poverty, she knows she will be taken care of by all of her children. Together she will be well taken care of. And once my dad passes she has another 200k to spend.
When her own mother was ill she wouldn't care for her so I guess I shouldn't be surprised about this. Thanks for your comment. Her true colors are what they are and I see everything clearly now.
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Debralee. Mom has a eldercare attorney to protect her assets. Her home will always be her home and can't be taken away from her as long as she is alive. My sister lives with her and my sister pays all the living expenses. There is no mortgage, no car payment, no credit card payments. My dad also has a 200 k life insurance policy so if and when he passes mom still has cash for her. I don't want her to be broke but she will not even give any funds to find him a place. I don't understand. How can you be married to someone for 50+ years and kick them to the curb during sickness. I am ashamed of my mom.
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Dadsgirl1, we had similar issues with my MIL as my FIL became a double amputee and his dementia worsened with each surgery. Now in our case it turned out that MIL was suffering from vascular dementia. She was refusing to take care of FIL in their home and refusing to deal with the paperwork necessary to arrange his nursing home stay. As JessieBelle mentions, in their home state, Medicaid would have only expected her to spend down half the assets for his care and she could have kept their home. Also she would have not been able to keep all of his monthly income (SS and pension)

I'm not saying your mom has dementia, just saying that we were caught by surprise - we thought MIL was just being a bit coldhearted. How was their relationship before this? Could she be just reeling from the shock of having to deal with all his issues and make all these decisions?

There are people who do want to keep their parents money out of the loop when it comes to paying for a nursing home. Could be your siblings are supporting your mom in this thinking and they are all working to achieve this together.

If your dad is in a psych facility and no one in the family addresses where he goes next, the social worker at the facility will step in and someone will become responsible for dad and his half of their shared assets.

It got pretty bad for us before it got better, good luck.
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I believe that many old people are able to remain in their homes with a little safety help. You can tape the rugs so that they aren't a great trip hazard. You can also have a safety check done to see where rails and grasps may help. There are many little things you can do that don't cost much.

$300K doesn't go far these days, so I understand your mother's concern. However, if your father should need to go into a NH, you could see if he can qualify for Medicaid. The state will not be interested in impoverishing your mother, so will consider half of their assets as hers. I don't know how that works. A more knowledgeable person should be able to tell you more.
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Trying times show who we really are. And no the 300K would not go very far toward your Dad's care. What would your mother's financial position be if it were gone?

When my father became ill with Parkinson's and then colitius, my mother was more angry than concerned. She would postpone his doctor's appointments because she basically didn't want to be bothered. She complained bitterly about a walker a neighbor had loaned him, or the handheld shower my brother installed for him. My father was 81 and falling. She didn't care. She just didn't want to be bothered. He fell in the back yard and she made fun of him calling for help, numerous times. She had no pity for the guy.

Now dad was not a nice guy and they well well matched. Mom basically wanted him in a nursing home so someone else could take care of him. I told her she would be penniless. She took it that I was concerned about my inheritance, not so.It took her grandson sitting down and explaining to her what she would have left if dad went into a nursing home to get her attention. So when he died shortly after due to heart failure, she was relieved.

Yes, your mother would lose alot of her money. That concern is a real one. But what speaks more to me are the little things she does. The not wanting to move the rug, etc. That sounds exactly like my mother who is a very selfish woman. I think you need to talk with your siblings about the money but they need to realize your mother is probably a very selfish individual. She may not be giving your father the best care he could get. My dad may have lived much longer if he had have had someone to look after him and make sure he saw the doctor in time and took his medications. Mom was not his advocate. You can be your Dad's advocate and understand the money situation. And yes, she can do with the money what she wishes. So sad, reminds me of my lovely family.
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You are a kind and considerate daughter to worry about your father, but have you considered what it costs for nursing home care? That 300k would be wiped out after three years. What would your mother's financial position be when that money is gone? There is not enough information to access where your mother is coming from,but yes she can get away with it.
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