Can my siblings send my Mom to nursing home/hospice home when she says no?

The short answer, seeing that your mother is of sound mind, is that no they can't force her admission to a nursing home or hospice care.

Where it gets complicated is that neither can she force them to provide the care she clearly needs. If she is determined to stay at home, then it is also her ultimate responsibility to to accept that her nursing care has to be provided by competent people, which is likely to mean paid professionals. Your siblings should assist her with any necessary arrangements, but they should not feel that they are personally obliged to provide personal or nursing care for her.

Nursing your mother at home until the end of her life can be done, even when it becomes challenging. We have a tendency to think that there are lines in the sand - such as loss of continence, dependency on pain relief or respiratory support, paralysis and so on - at which point we, as reasonable people, would naturally decide we should admit defeat. But actually, when it comes to it, it's cope-able with. It's just very hard work. Your siblings need to get more and better qualified people in to help.

If Mom is eligible for hospice, has she considered having hospice come in to her home? That would not solve the problem of the need for home care, but it would provide a measure of comfort.

What is her prognosis? Is she actively dying now?

Many, perhaps most of us, would prefer to die in our own homes. When our loved ones can make that happen, it is a blessing. Realistically it is not always possible to have what we want.

I want to live in a fancy hotel, with good room service and at least two nice restaurants. I want to be driven to plays and concerts often. I want to have guests in to dine with me. Boy, I'd really like that! Why don't I live the rest of my life like that? Because I can't afford it! Sometimes simple economic reality gets in the way of our preferences.

If your family can figure out how to keep Mom in her home for the rest of her life, go for it! (And then would they start working on how I can live in a luxurious hotel?)

If the reality is that Mom can't afford what she wants, none of you should feel guilty or be mad at each other about this.

It shocks me how unrealistic some elderly people, and even their families, can be. I have worked in a nursing home, and did consulting to nursing homes. If you pick a good one, she will get excellent care. If she plots and plans like one writer's mother did, that just shows how mentally incompetent she really is, not to mention selfish and self centered. Sorry if I sound negative, but I am 79 and my husband and I have plans to move to a facility that has independent living through nursing home, because I will NOT put that kind of burden on my children.

"Against her will" but it's obvious she now needs 24/7y nursing care. I cared for my mother in her home for four years until her condition (parkinsons, stroke and dementia) could not be managed at home. I couldn't lift her when she continuously fell but her attitude was well EMS will come pick me up. That doesn't happen and they charge huge to come to pick someone up off the floor.

I bought her a rolling walker but she refused to use it around the house, preferring to hang on to the walls and furniture and fell all the time. Eventually, in the middle of the night, she had "the fall", EMS took her to hospital and from there she went to as NH for three years until she passed. She spent those three years hiding in her room, refusing to have anything to do with anyone, plotting and planning to the end how she could get someone to take her out of "jail", wait on her hand and foot, meals cooked to order, room service and instantly running servants ... as I had done ... but, then bedridden, how would she get to the bathroom (if she didn't lose it and someone had to clean not only her but the bed and the whole room of sloshy poop), get a shower, cleaning, laundry.

To the day she died, my mother was fantasizing to go live with someone who could provide all this, but of course that;'s just fantasy.

Your mother is bedridden with dubious bowel control and a catheter. It is time to let her go to a facility where she will have nursing care 24/7. Believe me, however much she doesn't want it, she will be so much better off. You are hanging on to her at home why? Fear, obligation, guilt? Stop it and do what is best for her.

Who is caring for her at home? Are the caregivers the ones who want to send her to a NH?

If the caregivers are burned out, then there is really no choice.

Private, the problem may be that she's asking family members to perhaps give up their jobs to care for her. Should they lose their homes to care for a dying mom?

Good comments, Jeanne. My parents believed Social Security would see them well into their dotage. So sad. They were forced to sell their home many years ago...they had 3 mortgages on it. They moved in with brother, who built on to his house for them. Dad passed 11 years ago, Mother is going to live forever (!) Yes, she would LOVE to be waited on hand and foot and taken places and cooed over--but they didn't SAVE or PLAN for old age. Mother gets by on SS as she has really, no bills other than her many, many medications and her shopping addictions. Sadly, we will not be able to afford the kind of care she is going to require in a year or so. She wants to die at home, and she might get that wish, but the reality it, she can't probably afford it.
SuzyQB--Hubby and I also have that plan. We are already looking to downsize when he retires. I'm only 59 and very active. We do NOT want to be burdens to our kids. Also, sweet as my kids are (all 5 have said "we have a place for you when you're old"), I really don't want that. Having seen what a burden this has placed on my brother's family--no thank you. I may spend every cent of my kids' inheritances keeping that wish, but they'd rather I was independent and cared for away from them, I'm sure.

I know this will upset some people, but I would never make those demands on my children, because the burden is too great. And I don't see that as being a loving parent. I see it as being a selfish, self-centered parent. You should do the RIGHT thing, which is making sure mom or dad gets the BEST care, and if that means care in a nursing home, then that is what is best for THEM and you should not feel guilty. BTW, I'm almost 80, and I just don't understand why this is such a huge issue for you 'children.'

If/when you have to find a nursing home or assisted living for your parent, check the ratings on www.medicare.gov. They do yearly inspections and have a ton of good info on their site on every nursing home in the country that accepts Medicare. Also, you can apply in your county for Medicaid or its equivalent for financial help in paying for the nursing home care if your parent does not have sufficient means to pay her/himself. Best to do that in advance. You don't want to have your parent in a facility that does not provide good care, and there are a lot of them that are inferior, unfortunately. Do your homework before the emergency arises.

Hospice services provided services for my late husband, and the visiting hospice social worker let me know when she thought it was time for him to live in a nursing home because caring for him 24/7 was taking too great a toll on me. I valued their hands-on help showering him, changing bed linens and taking charge of his medications, as well as educating me about his condition. I highly recommend hospice services for any patient who is eligible.