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Where it gets complicated is that neither can she force them to provide the care she clearly needs. If she is determined to stay at home, then it is also her ultimate responsibility to to accept that her nursing care has to be provided by competent people, which is likely to mean paid professionals. Your siblings should assist her with any necessary arrangements, but they should not feel that they are personally obliged to provide personal or nursing care for her.
Nursing your mother at home until the end of her life can be done, even when it becomes challenging. We have a tendency to think that there are lines in the sand - such as loss of continence, dependency on pain relief or respiratory support, paralysis and so on - at which point we, as reasonable people, would naturally decide we should admit defeat. But actually, when it comes to it, it's cope-able with. It's just very hard work. Your siblings need to get more and better qualified people in to help.
What is her prognosis? Is she actively dying now?
Many, perhaps most of us, would prefer to die in our own homes. When our loved ones can make that happen, it is a blessing. Realistically it is not always possible to have what we want.
I want to live in a fancy hotel, with good room service and at least two nice restaurants. I want to be driven to plays and concerts often. I want to have guests in to dine with me. Boy, I'd really like that! Why don't I live the rest of my life like that? Because I can't afford it! Sometimes simple economic reality gets in the way of our preferences.
If your family can figure out how to keep Mom in her home for the rest of her life, go for it! (And then would they start working on how I can live in a luxurious hotel?)
If the reality is that Mom can't afford what she wants, none of you should feel guilty or be mad at each other about this.
I bought her a rolling walker but she refused to use it around the house, preferring to hang on to the walls and furniture and fell all the time. Eventually, in the middle of the night, she had "the fall", EMS took her to hospital and from there she went to as NH for three years until she passed. She spent those three years hiding in her room, refusing to have anything to do with anyone, plotting and planning to the end how she could get someone to take her out of "jail", wait on her hand and foot, meals cooked to order, room service and instantly running servants ... as I had done ... but, then bedridden, how would she get to the bathroom (if she didn't lose it and someone had to clean not only her but the bed and the whole room of sloshy poop), get a shower, cleaning, laundry.
To the day she died, my mother was fantasizing to go live with someone who could provide all this, but of course that;'s just fantasy.
Your mother is bedridden with dubious bowel control and a catheter. It is time to let her go to a facility where she will have nursing care 24/7. Believe me, however much she doesn't want it, she will be so much better off. You are hanging on to her at home why? Fear, obligation, guilt? Stop it and do what is best for her.
If the caregivers are burned out, then there is really no choice.
SuzyQB--Hubby and I also have that plan. We are already looking to downsize when he retires. I'm only 59 and very active. We do NOT want to be burdens to our kids. Also, sweet as my kids are (all 5 have said "we have a place for you when you're old"), I really don't want that. Having seen what a burden this has placed on my brother's family--no thank you. I may spend every cent of my kids' inheritances keeping that wish, but they'd rather I was independent and cared for away from them, I'm sure.
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