My family home and my mother live in PA. My brother and oldest sister live nearby. My Sister is a retired RN and has POA. I live in Florida along with 3 other siblings. My sister recently institutionalized my mother in a long-term care facility without the consent of her three younger siblings (two of which have expressed interest in having our mother live with us). Even two grandchildren that are extremely close with my mother showed interest in caring for their grandmother.
Cooperation, visits, and best supporting wishes are the best way forward. This is the sister who has BEEN THERE for mom and who has done the care, and who was chosen to make these decisions. She has made them and need not discuss them with anyone else if mom is no longer competent to make her OWN decisions. The best thing for your mom's end of life comfort is you all agreeing on her care and supporting it.
Anyway, I'm curious how often you and your sister who "expressed interest and desire" to have you mom live with you traveled to PA to visit Mom in recent years? And when in PA, what did you do there?
And the same for the grandkids. How often did they visit, and if they did visit, were they hands-on helping to care for Grandma?
I'm not being judgmental. It's just that the folks out of state typically don't realize what it's like being the actual caregiver day in and day out.
Finally, there's a reason why your mom picked eldest daughter--who lives nearby and is a retired RN--to be POA. And there's a reason why the POA made this decision in your mom's best interest.
And yes, here they are at the very beginning and she is taking to heart that her other family members are interested when in reality we all know that when they start off with lukewarm interest, it quickly ends up as no shows.
So basically it’s mom ends up staying where she is or mom gets moved to her detriment only to end up in a nursing home in Florida.
I wonder how much an ambulance ride is from PA to Florida? I’m guessing mom isn’t getting on a plane.
To battle this you will need an attorney that will go for guardianship and have someone willing to accept the responsibility. And since you are in different states, that means multiple attorneys or one that is licensed in both states. If you lose, you will be subject to paying everyone's court costs.
Sorry, I just can't imagine how hard this has been on the POA sister, she was present for mom and you all were off in other states living your lives. So you know, I have never seen anyone that wasn't wracked with pain over having to make the decision to place a parent in a facility. Now she gets to deal with this, truly unfortunate that you all weren't more present to see how mom was doing or to bare some of the boots on the ground caregiving. I know that you can not just place someone, there must be a reason, what are they really?
If others disagree with the decision - I feel certain that consulting an elder care attorney and understanding if you have any legal rights in this situation may be your only option.
You've stated that there are multiple family members who wish to provide care for your mother. You have to understand that you would have no legal right to consent to anything for your mother if you were to take her in. If she is incompetent to make her own decisions, she cannot legally change the POA at this point. And even if she lived with one of you, your sister would still have all legal rights and responsibilities to make decisions for your mother.
And in that case - decisions that you would wish to make for your mother would require your sister's consent to do so.
Additionally - while you wish to have your mother come live with you - have you considered what that move could do to your mother? We were advised when my FIL declined that each move was essentially a reset for him when he was going from home to hospital to rehab and back home. Basically it served to confuse him and cause more and more agitation. And that was all local. A move like that could be very detrimental for your mother if she is incapacitated. And again, you would need the POA's permission to move her I believe.
I urge you to talk to your sister and understand WHY she felt it was necessary to move your mother to a long term care facility. The use of the word "institutionalized" is very telling of your opinion about long term care. And while you have a right to your opinion, you live a long way away from your mother and may not be fully aware of the day to day issues that are occurring. You may not understand why she made the decision and it is critical that you understand the realities before you pursue this any further.
Best of luck.
Your POA sister has the right and the responsibility to see that your mom gets the care she needs. She doesn’t need anyone’s consent to do what she feels is necessary.
I hope the family makes time to visit their mom and GM and to check on the POA sister. A person in facility care still needs family.
edit:
I just saw your reaction to a post below. Believe it or not, we nonprofessionals know more about the pain you are all feeling (and that includes your POA sister) than you can imagine and we have the scars to prove it.
Take some responsibility here.
Your mom might not be in care if you and her GDs had been paying attention to her life. How could you possibly not know?
You asked did POA have the right. Yes is the answer.
If you had led with “ I am seeking information on what are my legal options and if I have a legal right to pull her out of the facility so I may care for her” you wouldn’t have needed to get your bowels in an uproar and blast people who are trying to help you.
OP should go see what has been going on up there while she was thousands of miles away living her life and getting to do whatever she wanted whenever she wanted to do it. Living for herself while her retired RN sister was slaving over a mother whose brain is dying….. her sister is in a no win situation but finally had to call time out so that she didn’t become one of the many caregivers who die before the person they are providing care for. One of the MANY who are now statistics.
OP’s mother wanted that RN daughter to be POA. Not OP. I’m guessing mom knew OP would cause trouble. I’m of course inferring things based on the word choices OP used and all the things we have seen here.
Have you ever given care before? It sounds like you have exactly zero understanding of what it takes to provide in home care.
Are you planning 24/7 care? It takes 3 adults to care for one adult.
Her grandchildren have NO IDEA what is coming for them. People say things all of the time but after a week, you will be looking for help close to home because it’s too much. Reality will slap them hard in the face.
None of you are trained caregivers. The one of you who was chose to put your mother in a home because it’s that hard.
You sure are letting “expressed interest” do the heavy lifting here. You don’t have the support you think you have with everyone who expressed interest….
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