Can a sibling who has POA really tell another sibling when she can see her Mom and where she can take her?

Follow
Share

Mom is fully able to make her own decisions and can take care of herself but right now we have her in a memory loss home because of medications that were causing hallucinations a while ago. But she is doing so much better now. She hates this place and wants out so I was taking her home with me on the weekends (same city) to give her life, fresh air and some fun. But my brother feels I am hurting her by not allowing her to "settle in" to this place and adjusting. She does not want to adjust or settle in..she wants out and he isn't listening for whatever reasons he has.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
10

Answers

Show:
Small town, Just giving you my experience with the tests. My Mom felt my Dad was OK way longer then we found out he was. She still had him driving ( often 3 hours away to a casino) and he was in numerous accidents that got covered up, or explained away,, once almost getting creamed by a semi .. But it was never his fault. Then mom got sick and I had to move there for a week, and I was stunned by how bad dad really was. They had taken him in for testing right befor mom ended up in ICU, and I had to go the meeting for results . Both Mom and Dad thought he did really well.. OH NO!! He literally was not even on the charts. He could not draw a clock, he had no concept of personal safety, he was in mid stage ALZ. But he showtimed well in bursts and so they passed it off. Needless to say when Mom got out we brought them here with us. One night while I was there (summer, very hot) he woke me up to tell me something was wrong in his bedroom,, he had turned the heat up as far as it would go.. could have burned the house down. And I kicked myself, because in reality I saw this coming. He could no longer take care of the property and I would find the tractor broken and sitting in the yard...it was new.. and I had to hire a lawn service because he was way over his head on keeping the property up, although he thought he was. I know you want what is best for you Mom, so let the tests happen, without your coaching.. and see what happens. If she is fine,, it will show up. But if it shows a problem,, please be open to the possibity that something may be not be as you wish, and do what is best for Mom's safety. My dad could not have worked a coffemaker, or taken a shower by himself. He never even opened the fridge the 2 years he lived with us.. he had no concept what it was. We placed him in a MC for his last weeks because he became violent. I am so glad we had them here ( and mom still is) but the reality was not what any of us thought it was. Good luck with this, it is a terrible thing. and I hope it goes well for you
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

They (the company that will be performing the assessment) will not allow any family members to be with her during the interview. They just want her there. I say she needs help with the day to day things because she tends to move things constantly and then she can't find them. But she remembers names, people, things from the past and has even reminded me of a few things I forgot about! The people at this memory care home feel she is doing well except for not really joining in on things but as I said earlier she does not WANT to settle in or get used to this place..she wants out. I would totally be fine with an assisted living place where she can have her own shower, her own coffee pot, her own living arrangements instead of this "lock-down" facility which she does not need at all and they won't allow her anything in her room!
And yes I know Mom can have her POA changed at any time (and she is competent) and will be talking with her about this possibility! I have done nothing but research on POA's for the past 2 days The thing that floors me is this. My brother and I have been close for 50 years and all of a sudden I feel he turned on me and is hurting me and my Mom so deeply. He has never had the relationship with Mom that Mom and I have. Perhaps there is some jealousy? But he also lives 200+ miles away and I am in the same city that Mom is living now. I am still in shock that he did this to me and cannot figure out why when he knows I have always been close to Mom and will continue to be so. She is 84, I am 61. I know I have limited time with her. I want to make the best of it for her but our family is now in turmoil. This assessment test scares me...coming up on the 27th. I pray they will see that she only needs assisted living. I would ask for prayer if there are prayer warriors reading this. I know it's all in God's hands...
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

If mom is competent, and she is not happy with bro's decisions, she can have an attorney change the POA anytime she wants.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

The key issue is your mother's competence.

Dementia diagnosis or no, POA/DPOA or no, if your mother has mental capacity then she has the last word on all decisions.

The assessment should be looking at her care needs, her ability to manage Activities of Daily Living; but also at her cognitive function: her ability, inter alia, to take in and process information, understand consequences and make decisions. And even with "some" dementia, she still has the right to make her wishes known and have them taken into account.

Who will be present to support your mother during the assessment?

What does worry me a little is that, for example, you say you do know she will need day-to-day care, but then you say she is very independent and fully able to do everything on her own and wants to, and you say she has no "other" health issues - other than what, then?

Very independent, fully able to do everything on her own and willing to... these don't add up to a person who, as you say, needs Assisted Living or full-time care at home. What difficulties does she have that you yourself recognise? I just think it's very important to be clear-eyed and realistic about not just what she needs now, but what she's likely to need in future.

Don't despair! Continuity and sense of place are important benefits too. And if it's true that there is good support available in her home location, then that's an option you can put forward.

So when you met with your mother's doctors and memory care staff, what did they say about how she's doing?
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

To answer a few of the above questions...Mom was diagnosed with "some" level of dementia but no one ever said what level! so because we got that word from a doctor then we were able to put her in this memory loss place and her long term insurance would help pay. Without that diagnosis her insurance would not pay. I have met with her doctors and the people at the home where she is. She has no other health issues. And there are alternative places but until we have this assessment test done on the 27th no one is willing to move her out and into a better place or back to her own home where she wants to go with a caregiver!! I do not know if my brother has DPOA...it may just be POA. I need to find that out! Mom was living in a small community of 60+ years where her friends, church, bible group were and she wants to go back home. I do know she will need the day to day care....but I truly feel she would be fine at home or an assisted living place with help. I do not believe she belongs in this dementia place at all. She is fully able to do everything on her own and she wants to. She is very independent. I am so afraid that when this assessment test happens on the 27th that by brother and sister will take the "recommendations" of these strangers to say where Mom will live the rest of her life and if its to remain in this horrible place she will go downhill so fast! Even her man friend agrees with me as he talks with her 2-3 times a day and knows her quite well.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

This is a problem with my brother too--he takes his POA responsibilities to the extreme. Mother says she wants to go visit a friend in a rehab facility. Brother says she can't go. End of discussion. She's beginning the slide into dementia, but she can make her own decisions. I get so sick of her telling me she wants to do this and such, but "R" won't let her. Mostly it's visiting a friend or going to one of the other sib's homes. She doesn't usually tell us that he isn't "letting her". Yesterday I was helping her out and she made the comment that she felt like a prisoner. I said "Mother, I live 5 minutes away. I am available. Why don't you call me?" Her response? ""Oh, "R" will never let me go". GO? To the mall to walk around? To the Hobby Store to buy yarn?
My mother and brother have the sickest and weirdest co-dependent relationship.
I have tried and tried to talk to him about this, but his response is always the same: She's MY responsibility. Well, she has 5 living children and I think all of us need to help more, but he honestly will not allow it. Most of us just let it slide and if he wants this to be his ship to sail, I guess we aren't going to fight him--but it's weird.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Let me go back to the POA part of your question? It depends, is really what I should have said. I made assumptions based on your comments. The purpose and the responsibilities of the POA is spelled out in the document itself. They are not all the same. So speaking in generalities here. The POA your mother gave your brother is for him to make decisions that she can't (for whatever reason) make for herself for specific parts of her life. At the time she did this, she had confidence in his ability to care for her. As long as she is competent she can override his decisions. She can even change the POA from him to you or to whomever she wants or to no one. Some POAs contain provisions for after the principal is no longer competent and the steps to implement increased responsibilities.
For your mom to be where she is indicates that her problems were (are) severe enough to need special care and had the backing of her doctors. Perhaps they had to write letters or sign orders. At that point your brothers POA gives him the responsibility to take the action that he feels is appropriate. He isn't required to take your opinion into consideration.
If you feel strongly that he is wrong, you could file for guardianship. But just because you file doesn't mean you will be awarded it. IMHO, your best course of action is to consider what your brother says. Keep the lines open. Visit her drs or as has been suggested the staff where she is. Educate yourself on her health issues. Understand that dementia patients can sometimes appear asymptomatic. I gently suggest it could be that you need time to accept this turn of events. It's not easy. Therapy might help you. I'm sure it feels like you are rescuing mom but it might be that you are actually not working in her best interest as brother is suggesting. We don't all arrive at an Understanding of this terrible disease at the same time.
Where was your mom living before? Was this a big jump in care for her?
Keep posting here and we will try to help.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

You start off with the straightforward assertion that your mother is fully able to make her own decisions and take care of herself. You go on to explain that her admission to the memory care unit resulted from problems with hallucinations which were caused by medications, but she is much better now.

And yet your brother is anxious for her to settle permanently in this unit. Given the cost, and given the personal restrictions, and given that other types of facility would be much cheaper and allow your mother more autonomy, what possible reason could your brother have for not wanting to review your mother's care if her difficulties were only temporary?

To answer your question directly: no, POA does not entitle your brother to dictate who can visit your mother or when, unless he needs to to protect her; and if your mother really does have full cognitive function then your brother cannot either prevent her from doing as she pleases. But that does not make it a good idea to ignore him, or to go behind his back, or to assume that he doesn't know what he's talking about. If you really think there ought to be a change of plan, I'd start with a chat with some of the facility's senior staff and ask them for their assessment of your mother's current and likely future needs.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Hi Smalltowngirl
 I see you have your mom  on your profile as having Alzheimer's.
Have you met with her doctors? Does she have other health issues?
It sounds like you and brother both want what's best for your mom but you don't agree on her current placement. Is that a fair statement? Is there an alternate facility that you feel would be more appropriate for your mom at this time? I know it's very difficult to have your mom where she is unhappy but I encourage you to work with your brother and keep the lines of communication open. Did you agree with brother initially for the placement but now that the meds have been adjusted feel that she would be better served at a different level of care?Come back and give us more information in order to give you more specific responses.
And yes, if brother has DPOA he has the responsibility to care for mom and if their is a conflict he is in control. 
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I'm glad your mom is doing so much better now that she is living in a place that can give her the proper care and attention. I understand the impulse to take her to your home to help her experience "life, fresh air and some fun", but I also understand your brother's desire to have her adjust to her new home. Dementias as a whole are progressive diseases, and although your mom is doing better now she has not been cured. I imagine she spends all her time either with you or focusing on her next visit, which will definitely keep her from forming any bonds there. Your bro is planning for the long term, it may be more helpful for your mom if you and he (with advice from the memory care home) can agree to some reasonable compromise.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Related
Questions