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Wife is nuts..

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Sounds like you made him aware. Texts are your proof.
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I wouldn't do it. Wonder if you should have stated you could not do this in writing?

Just curious, who has been changing Mom? Some people do not listen. Hopefully, you looked him in the eye and said NO, this will not work. TG you didn't plan on charging him.
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Warriorforthem May 9, 2019
Great point and thank you soooo much.
After he yelled at me in person & throwing his arms, even though I was shaking inside, I suggested her needing more care than I could give. Not sure he heard me while in his rage, I texted him to verify my suggestion again a few hours later. & then my decline to accept him as a client and another suggestion for her care. So the texts were documented on separate days. I didn't mention his temper as to why, thought he would reallllly go off. And he told me she changes herself but when he was demanding I rush over to clean her up, she had diarrhea. Poor lil thing, it breaks my heart. But I just CANT go back, the stress was too much and I have to stay healthy for my other clients. I am thinking of telling APS my concerns. But he will know who did this even though i'd be anonymous. He would just be nice like he was when I came the first time to discuss her care plan. So, I am going higher up, and praying about her care and needs for now. I might wait until he is gone and speak to a neighbor to see if they hear his yelling at her. Someone has to hear him if he yells at her.
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Warrior, I think for current purposes you had better regard yourself as a mandated reporter and tell APS exactly what you have told us.

I agree with you that this is a man under stress, and it is therefore fair to overlook his regrettable manner; but what you know for a fact is that his mother has substantial care needs and he is completely failing to grasp her situation.

As far as regards you, stupid man, walk away, no problem. But his mother may be at risk and that needs to be investigated by the appropriate agencies.
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Warriorforthem May 9, 2019
Thank you, you are right. I am obligated to report my concerns, I just replied about this above. I am scared. But, I am a warriorforthem and need to act like one. I've pointed out neglect in facilities but never had to go thru this where I'd already given my personal info to the client. Im just sick about it. Time to pray for the strength and do the right thing even while shaking inside. Thank you all so very much for your time and wisdom. I love this site and the support you all,share. Such a blessing. 💜
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Makes a difference with more information.

You are correct that you can not work for this man caring for his mom.

His behavior has left him without a caregiver, you are not responsible for providing any alternatives for him.

Just curious, why did you say she was nuts? It sounds like you haven't even dealt with her.
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Warriorforthem May 8, 2019
He is not married. I was apprehensive when I first posted the question being my first time. People that lose their temper so irrationally really really scare me. I was afraid that maybe he would see this. But the odds are slim that he will. I forgot that I I typed that until your post. After reading the replies, I realized I needed to give the details even if he scared me. It was really eating at me knowing that I'd have to deal with him, I pray that he doesn't treat his mother this way. Thank you soooo much for your reply, it has lifted a huge weight off of my mind. I also feel his behavior left him without a CG but was too afraid to tell him. I am sad for her she is a sweet lady.
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It makes a bit more sense now. I don't think that your professionalism means that you have to make up for this behaviour from the client (who is the son, not his mother). Your story is quite clear - he wanted time more than he had booked or paid for, and you couldn't do it. You told him your time limits and it was up to him to make a different arrangement. The issue is not who said what to whom, or who was reasonable or unreasonable. It's a contractual difficulty, not a relationship issue. And stay away from discussing his alternatives.
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polarbear May 8, 2019
"He was emotionally unstable and irrational in his expectations of me. He became verbally abusive..."

I'd say that is a big relationship issue.
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Warrior - Reading your answer to CM, if I were in your shoes, I'd stay as far away from this crazy, verbally abusive guy and his mother as I can. He was verbally abusive to you over the phone, given his temper, it's not a stretch to say he could be physically abusive to you when you're in his home.

Stay away from them. Don't even work for them for one day. It's his responsibility to arrange respite care for his mother. Not yours.

Your safety and reputation come first. He lied once, he will lie again. Think of the possible liability that he might try to pin on you if something goes wrong when you're not there.
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Warriorforthem May 9, 2019
Thank you so much for your reply. I can't tell you how much this helps my mind. I was thinking just the same thing regarding his lying and liability. I have a solid reputation and I've never had to deal with this. It reallllly threw me.
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An agency can get a caregiver placed within a day in an emergency. Provide the family with the names and phone numbers of local care agencies and tell him to let them know it is an emergency. They wont get a choice of caregivers but they will get someone there.
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Warriorforthem May 9, 2019
Thank you so much for your reply. Good to know they can find other care.
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If you feel that you are not able to do the job, so be it. Ideally, give at least two weeks notice. You haven’t given details so I couldn’t possibly answer. I am not interested in speculating what is going on. I can say that I would not want someone staying with my mom as a caregiver that did not want to be with her, so in that regard it is best that you don’t allow yourself to be employed with this family.

Best of luck to you. It’s a tough job and your heart should be into it, otherwise it’s just a job. Everyone should appreciate all hardworking caregivers.
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Warriorforthem May 8, 2019
Thank you, I agree and appreciate your input.
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If you work for an agency you tell them you can not do this. They would be responsible for finding a replacement. If you are private , then I do not know.. but it took us about a week to get dad in respite care
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Warriorforthem May 8, 2019
Oh boy😕 Thank you for your reply. I shared my opinion with him several days ago. I almost feel that it is on him now that there is a crunch in time. His actions have made it clear that I can't be a part of her care. I feel bad for her.
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Is one day really an appropriate notice for them to find someone to care for this person?

She may be problematic but you are supposed to be a professional, start acting like it.
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Warriorforthem May 8, 2019
I fully agree with you and thank you for your answer. I have not yet started with these people, but I have seen three red flags, (that as a professional) I know I do not care to affiliate myself with. It is actually 2 days notice. I was just wondering if one day would be enough because if it can be done in one, than certainly could be done in 2.
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Need more info.

If you are not related, don't think you can set up respite care.

I see no other posts to help see what is going on.
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Warriorforthem May 9, 2019
Thank you for your reply. I was rather vague in my question, sorry about that. I was not going to set it up, just wondered if it was an option. The details are in a reply to country mouse, it's very long. Thanks again. .
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Er - !

You are the caregiver for a man (?) and his wife is making your job impossible? Is that what's happening?

Who will be asked to provide the care, and who will be asking - your client or you? I think you'd be lucky to get respite care that fast, but it can't hurt to ask. Isn't the key thing, though, that until you've found someone to hand over to you're kind of stuck with them?

I'm assuming that you are an independent provider, and not employed by an agency.
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Warriorforthem May 8, 2019
The job was to start on the 10th until the 20th. The client wanted me to "pop in" twice a day to check on his mother and see that she eats and "she would be fine the rest of the day and night". I have other clients and said I could come before and after my other clients bc she lives less than a mile from me. I had him leave all info in a log I set up with emergency #'s, docs, medical history, meds and conditions...everything one would need should there be an emergency while he was away. Including DNR and the garage code to enter home for emergency responders if needed while she was alone. I took the code to the fire station with clients permission so they would have it if needed. I was a bit concerned that this info was not already set up as she lives alone. This all took place mid last week. I did not ask for a dime to do these things, rather for my own peace of mind and for her to have it together if ever needed after the 20th.
Twice, I received calls from the son demanding that I RUSH to his mother's aide bc she had soiled herself. Worse, he was calling from his mother's home. I was with other clients 20 mins away and could not leave. Mind you, this was last week. He was emotionally unstable and irrational in his expectations of me. He became verbally abusive, which I excused as this is stressful for him. I mean, we all get stressed out.
The second time he did this, I suggested she needs more care than he was seeking and that I felt respite or an agency that offered more than 2 hrs a day would be best for his mother's well being while he was away. I could not be responsible for the time she was alone. That I agreed to the 2 hrs daily he wanted for her as "she would be fine the rest of the time". He told me (loudly and waving his arms) he didn't appreciate my opinion and that he wanted to know she would be in good hands while he was away. I told him that she would be well cared for in the time he wanted me there but that I could not offer more hours as I was booked already. I had made room for his mother bc I really wanted to help, I have that heart. I was told by another caregiver that he interviewed before me that I tried to scare him into more hours from him. This is a flat out lie. I was already stretching myself thin to fit the 2 hrs a day he wanted. His mother lives near my home, it wouldn't be out of my way to "pop in" to and from other clients. So being verbally abusive twice, demanding I come while with other clients before the agreed days needed and ignoring my heartfelt suggestion of more care for his mother and then telling another caregiver that I tried getting more hours out of him than he asked for. Honestly, I do not need the money. After being told what he had said about my trying to get more hours with "scare tactics" and his ignoring my suggestion of getting respite or an agency to provide more care, I felt this is not a good situation for his mother or my reputation as a honest, compassionate and reliable caregiver. More, if he lied about me trying to get more hours, who is to say he wouldn't lie about something else. He could have had more than 2 days notice but he refused to hear my concern while he lost his temper. I have learned from this, trust me. I just wanted to know if he could place her or get more help on a now very short notice. Thank you to each of you that gave your input. I see the mistakes I made before I backed out. I appreciate each reply, even the stern ones. I've not run into this in the many years I've been a CG.
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