Moms best interest comes first. If you no longer can care for her it's ok to place her. You had no idea what you were promising at the time and mom had no idea what she was asking of you. Full time caregiving takes a village. We strive for safe, pain free and content. You can't give her this now. Be gentle with yourself.
In addition to the helpful advice above, consider a Certified Senior Advisor (I am not one, and don't work for one, I only learned about these people a few months ago). They not only can do some needs assessments but also can help with matching their budget with what is available in your area. In my case, we learned that my parents simply do not have enough money to afford an ALF. They are very expensive---and their monthly cost does NOT cover everything (count on an additional $10-15,000 per year of items beyond the rent). I wish you the best of luck navigating this!
If you are overwhelmed and do not want to be "the bad guy" (I know how you feel), as a gerontologist, I would suggest retaining a Case Manager to assess the situation and have the case manager work with your mom to make a plan for her care. She needs to be a part of the decision-making process. If you are taken out of the equation, then options are presented and she won't be directly blaming you. There are adult daycare centers where they pick her up and she spends the day socializing, feeding her meals and providing her necessary medications. They also can manage individuals who are not mobile. The key in warding off depression in seniors is to provide socialization. She may buck you in the beginning, but as she makes friends and starts enjoying activities, she will enjoy her days and so will you! If she does not want to go 5 days a week, start her off with 2 days and increase them as she becomes more acclimated. Find a facility that provides daycare programs as well as assisted living/nursing home options. Once she becomes settled and happy with the environment, if she needs further care, she can decide if it is right for her. You will also have ample time to convince her that her safety comes first. I hope this helps.
Depending on your Mom's income and savings, you might see if she qualifies for programs through the local Dept of Aging. If she qualifies she might get the services of a home aid to tidy up, do her shower, get meals on wheels (which are OK in a pinch). There are some good programs out there but they should have more for mid income seniors which have little to spare for help but qualify for little. Best of Luck. Jet Jane
Just have a heart-to-heart with her. An assisted living facility isn't a nursing home - far from it. Just let her know you can't continue to be her "go to" for everything and feel she would be happier with people her own age. This should be a lesson to all - never make promises you don't know if you can keep!
you will feel guilty no matter what. Nursing homes get such a rotten name. Yes many times they are a place for people to die. Be sure you check into the activity department. That is the main thing in a home..well besides the care...also you have the right to go through the state survey. Good information there..good luck. you sound burned out. Maybe a break would help???
I am an outreach coordinator for an Assisted Living community. 2 sons made the same promise about their mother to their father on his 'deathbed'. ( Yikes!) Sure enough, their mom needed more and more help in a very short amount of time, and had increasing memory loss. They were devistated thinking of 'putting mom in a facility', but she had a fall at home, and managing in home caregivers and physical therapy was very difficult along with mom's isolation. I suggested telling their mom, she is coming to our AL community for our excellent physical and occupational therapy ( true!), and then let's see how she adjusts. Leading up to the moving day, these loving sons were absolutely guilt ridden and deeply anxious. To make things easier, they came and decorated thier mom's studio with some of her beautiful things that were important to her. When she came and saw her studio she was delighted! She loves the attentive therapists here, and enjoys socializing and the lifestyle. She is so happy she hasn't mentioned ever leaving. Suffice to say, her sons are so releived and can be loviing sons and not full time worried caregivers. A success story. I think the lesson is be sure to choose a community with caring mangagement, staff, and an environment that is a good match!
One of the rules when fighting with your spouse is to never say "you NEVER" and never say "you ALWAYS". Both of those are not true but easy to say when angry. I think the same is true when promising your parent you'll NEVER do this or you'll NEVER do that. A better thing to say is "I'll ALWAYS do the best I can for you" and leave it at that.
They not only can do some needs assessments but also can help with matching their budget with what is available in your area.
In my case, we learned that my parents simply do not have enough money to afford an ALF. They are very expensive---and their monthly cost does NOT cover everything (count on an additional $10-15,000 per year of items beyond the rent).
I wish you the best of luck navigating this!
for little. Best of Luck. Jet Jane
Sure enough, their mom needed more and more help in a very short amount of time, and had increasing memory loss. They were devistated thinking of 'putting mom in a facility', but she had a fall at home, and managing in home caregivers and physical therapy was very difficult along with mom's isolation. I suggested telling their mom, she is coming to our AL community for our excellent physical and occupational therapy ( true!), and then let's see how she adjusts. Leading up to the moving day, these loving sons were absolutely guilt ridden and deeply anxious. To make things easier, they came and decorated thier mom's studio with some of her beautiful things that were important to her.
When she came and saw her studio she was delighted! She loves the attentive therapists here, and enjoys socializing and the lifestyle. She is so happy she hasn't mentioned ever leaving. Suffice to say, her sons are so releived and can be loviing sons and not full time worried caregivers. A success story. I think the lesson is be sure to choose a community with caring mangagement, staff, and an environment that is a good match!