I can no longer take care of mom full time and I promised not to put her in a nursing home as long as I could. What can I do?

Moms best interest comes first. If you no longer can care for her it's ok to place her. You had no idea what you were promising at the time and mom had no idea what she was asking of you. Full time caregiving takes a village. We strive for safe, pain free and content. You can't give her this now. Be gentle with yourself.

In addition to the helpful advice above, consider a Certified Senior Advisor (I am not one, and don't work for one, I only learned about these people a few months ago).
They not only can do some needs assessments but also can help with matching their budget with what is available in your area.
In my case, we learned that my parents simply do not have enough money to afford an ALF. They are very expensive---and their monthly cost does NOT cover everything (count on an additional $10-15,000 per year of items beyond the rent).
I wish you the best of luck navigating this!

If you are overwhelmed and do not want to be "the bad guy" (I know how you feel), as a gerontologist, I would suggest retaining a Case Manager to assess the situation and have the case manager work with your mom to make a plan for her care. She needs to be a part of the decision-making process. If you are taken out of the equation, then options are presented and she won't be directly blaming you. There are adult daycare centers where they pick her up and she spends the day socializing, feeding her meals and providing her necessary medications. They also can manage individuals who are not mobile. The key in warding off depression in seniors is to provide socialization. She may buck you in the beginning, but as she makes friends and starts enjoying activities, she will enjoy her days and so will you! If she does not want to go 5 days a week, start her off with 2 days and increase them as she becomes more acclimated. Find a facility that provides daycare programs as well as assisted living/nursing home options. Once she becomes settled and happy with the environment, if she needs further care, she can decide if it is right for her. You will also have ample time to convince her that her safety comes first. I hope this helps.

Depending on your Mom's income and savings, you might see if she qualifies for programs through the local Dept of Aging. If she qualifies she might get the services of a home aid to tidy up, do her shower, get meals on wheels (which are OK in a pinch). There are some good programs out there but they should have more for mid income seniors which have little to spare for help but qualify
for little. Best of Luck. Jet Jane

Just have a heart-to-heart with her. An assisted living facility isn't a nursing home - far from it. Just let her know you can't continue to be her "go to" for everything and feel she would be happier with people her own age. This should be a lesson to all - never make promises you don't know if you can keep!

you will feel guilty no matter what. Nursing homes get such a rotten name. Yes many times they are a place for people to die. Be sure you check into the activity department. That is the main thing in a home..well besides the care...also you have the right to go through the state survey. Good information there..good luck. you sound burned out. Maybe a break would help???

I am an outreach coordinator for an Assisted Living community. 2 sons made the same promise about their mother to their father on his 'deathbed'. ( Yikes!)
Sure enough, their mom needed more and more help in a very short amount of time, and had increasing memory loss. They were devistated thinking of 'putting mom in a facility', but she had a fall at home, and managing in home caregivers and physical therapy was very difficult along with mom's isolation. I suggested telling their mom, she is coming to our AL community for our excellent physical and occupational therapy ( true!), and then let's see how she adjusts. Leading up to the moving day, these loving sons were absolutely guilt ridden and deeply anxious. To make things easier, they came and decorated thier mom's studio with some of her beautiful things that were important to her.
When she came and saw her studio she was delighted! She loves the attentive therapists here, and enjoys socializing and the lifestyle. She is so happy she hasn't mentioned ever leaving. Suffice to say, her sons are so releived and can be loviing sons and not full time worried caregivers. A success story. I think the lesson is be sure to choose a community with caring mangagement, staff, and an environment that is a good match!

One of the rules when fighting with your spouse is to never say "you NEVER" and never say "you ALWAYS". Both of those are not true but easy to say when angry. I think the same is true when promising your parent you'll NEVER do this or you'll NEVER do that. A better thing to say is "I'll ALWAYS do the best I can for you" and leave it at that.

I agree with jeannegibbs you're not breaking your promise..

If you promised to take care of her as long as you could, and you no longer can, then you have fulfilled your promise, haven't you?

You are in such a difficult situation where you need to balance between your promise to your mom and your personal life. I agree with joniwrites, if money is not an issue, you may consider getting home health care and hire a caregiver for her.

Also, you said that she is mentally stable, what is the reason why you feel the need to put her in a nursing home? Does she require long term care services like needing assistance to perform daily activities? If not, you can just hire a home health aide so someone can assist her in doing daily household chores.

Use her money for fulltime care, if you made a promise, keep it, I did also here and have my Mom. There are many alternatives to a nursing home! IF she has money, add onto your house and hire a live-in, they are 50k a year. Do what you would want, if you were in her shoes and follow your heart. No one here can make you feel as though its the right thing to do, I agree, keep her out of those places. Use her money, get her help at home if you cant handle it.

This isn't a criticism; just a comment and lesson to others -- "don't promise never to put loved one in a nursing home"; you can "promise" to always do whats best for them as long as you can.

You will have to do your best to get over the guilt. Agree with above posts, have the conversation with mom and tell her she needs more skilled care. "Mom, are you open to having some in-home help or assistance to help both both of us and keep you home as long as possible?". Try it and increase the care hours for as long as you need until it is no longer possible to keep her home. If she refuses that , have the talk and say we'll get some help in; "Mom, when the time comes when we can no longer manage at home -- what are your wishes?" Then start planning on your own; research care facilities such as AL, etc. -- visit places, call references, talk to residents and their families, etc. Then take mom while she is still able to visit 1-3 just to have a look. Visit a couple times, have lunch there...etc. Then she will at least have had a visit and can mull it over during the next year or so until she has to make a move from your home.

Parents understandably dont want to move from familiar surroundings or to have strangers tend to them. Its truly a loss of control and final realization that they are no longer independent; but the reality is that they are living longer with greater ailments, care needs, etc. -- some aren't able to provide the level of care needed long term.

She is afraid because NH have a negative connotation (and I've been to some modern ones and there is a broad range of residents -- even so, it is depressing and scary) and our elders remember even worse from their parents -- in their mind its a place where they go to die -- so understandably they don't want to be placed there.

Try to get her in-home help needed if she can afford it. Start enlisting doctors help in evaluating her condition and having their case worker help you set up help you need in the meantime.

If your mom only has mobility problems (what your profile says), why not look into independent or assisted living? It's more like a nice motel than a nursing home...depending on the facility. She'll be around other people and have an opportunity for some socialization. Get her a Jazzy (one of those motorized carts) and let her zip around. My mom lives in independent living and there are quite a few people living there with motorized carts. Get her help for showering and dressing if she needs that.

You have several choices if money is not an issue. You can hire a full-time caregiver to take care of her at home. And you can use a elder care respite service during the day to give yourself a break. In many area, local nursing facilities have services where they care for elders during the day, and they return late afternoon. You can visit different facilities and find one that's comfortable, cheery and has more active elders. There are facilities that are more like hotels than nursing homes if she can afford it. You need to ultimately take care of your own health, but you can stay true to your promise to here by researching all the options and find the best possible option. There is no perfect situation, but try to realize that many elders become accustomed to the transition over two to three months, and some come to prefer the activities and companionship. We went through this with my mother-in-law. She was very angry and upset at first, but she felt more secure and safe, and looks better and feels better than when we cared for her. She enjoys the socialization and our relationship has improved since we're not under the same roof and getting on each other's nerves. Now when we see each other, it's less stressful and more pleasant.

I feel for you- you must feel like crap

What did you plan to do when you made that promise? If you had a plan then, implement it now.