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5 years ago I bought a home with my mom. She only lived in it for 1 year then my sister put her in an assisted living facility. My sister has power of attorney and is on all her financial accounts. My sister has helped herself to some of my mom's money. Now my mom is out of money. First I offered to buy my mom out. Everyone agreed on the amount-then my sister changed her mind. Now I plan on getting married and offered to sell the home. My sister got mad because I shared some nasty emails she sent to me. Now she says I need to deal with mom and she is dropping her off next month to live with me -since it is her home. I work full time and I have a roommate. What rights do I have?

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I would address needs/rights regarding roommate - especially if you collect rent! If there is a family feud it may be best to give the roommate notice to move according to your state's rules. Otherwise you could end up in a tenant/landlord type dispute. Does you mom even realize or understand this roommate is now part of the problem?
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Floridacrazy Dec 2020
My plan was to let my roommate know when I put the house up for sale. I am worried that I will need my mom to sign off on the sale, she has dementia but she listens to everything my sister tells her.
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Tell your Sister you will now be forcing sale of the home.
In so far as I understand, you can force the sale of a home jointly owned. That is to say, when two people own a home together, any one of them can force a sale. That would be the wiser course here, now you are marrying. If your Sister has embezzled money while serving as POA for her mother then APS should have been called; I don't know if it is too late.
You need a lawyer now to ascertain the laws of your state regarding sale of real property and as it pertains to you and your Mom.
Good luck.

https://www.tdd-law.com/blog/how-force-sale-when-other-people-share-ownership-house/
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I would file a complaint with APS for financial exploitation of a vulnerable senior.

This will make your sister have to account for mom's money.

If mom is in need of care, you can also tell APS that your sister is threatening to abandon your mom at your home. It doesn't matter who owns a house, they can't just come and go as an owner. Imagine if that was the case, people would end up with their landlords parent or some such craziness.

I would put it in writing that your mom can not move into the house and then file the complaint.
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rovana Dec 2020
But as OP said, mom owns 1/2 half of the house. She can't move into her own house? Since when?
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If you are half owner of the property you can force the sale.
I think the first thing you should do would be to contact a lawyer that can give you the correct info. Either one that deals with real estate or an elder care attorney.
And I also agree that your sister should be reported for stealing money.
APS, Area Agency on Aging would be a place to start.
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rovana Dec 2020
We really don't know that sis stole money - if she is POA she could be paying mom's legitimate bills, like for AL. Need more info here IMO.
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Where is your mother living at the moment? Still at the ALF?

What did your sister change her mind about? The price?

Selling the house: whether or not you can sell it without your co-owner's agreement may depend on what the terms were on which you bought it. Anything in writing about that?

If your mother is unable to act, the other co-signatory may be your sister if the POA includes the authority to dispose of real property on your mother's behalf. What does it say in the documentation?

You allege that your sister has taken money from your mother. That is an extremely serious allegation, of an abuse of POA and financial abuse of a vulnerable elder by a person in a position of trust. So I hope you can prove it.

What this all boils down to is the original falling out between you and your sister. What happened, and how might it be resolved?

On the face of it, selling the house and using the funds to continue your mother's living at the ALF where she has been for four years seems the simplest answer and the one most likely to be in your mother's best interests - it ensures continuity of care and environment for her, at least for the time being. How much time would the funds buy your mother, roughly, do you estimate?
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Floridacrazy Dec 2020
My sister changed her mind because I think my sister is afraid my mom will not qualify for Medicaid. My sister has mixed up all her money and my mom's money. My sister would like me to refinance the house and get $50000 cash out of it(making my mortgage payment larger). Then she wants me to pay $2000 a month towards my mom's expenses until I use all the money or my mom gets on Medicaid. If my mom doesn't get on Medicaid then I think my sister would want me to sell. The way the deed is written I will get 1/2 and my mom would get the other 1/2 of the sale of the home.
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Move.
Sell the house.
Never mix money & family again.
Report sister to authorities for potential financial elder abuse. Leave it with them.
Be a visitor for your Mom.

Your Mom may part own the house but this does not mean she or her POA can demand you become Mom's hand's-on carer.

Sounds like angry talk from your sister. Some crazy solution she came up because she's spent the AL fees? Stay out of her drama. Let her deal with the consequences of her actions.
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Sarah3 Dec 2020
This advice demonstrates how the idea of family with some means little to nothing. I suppose in some circles the thought seems to be “why unite in love and care for each other in my family when I can sling accusations, however loosely based in reality- facts? Meh,... who needs them- just hire lawyers and get as much $ from parents as can get hands on”. So sad

I’ll be a dissenting voice in this and propose a radical notion. Talk to your sister, extend a gesture of kindness and concern and ask to make a time to talk things over with her. Get her side on things and hear her out. Then you can do likewise. Listen with sibling love and concern to each other. Siblings are the one subset that has the longest shared common history more than any other. That’s important. On ones death bed money and deeds and whether one “won” or not is not what folks think of. Take a caring humane open minded approach and perhaps you’ll find more in common than you realized or wanted to realize. Stuff that money can’t buy,... a radical idea but a worthy one that while it doesn’t work if only one side is invested in truth and authenticity yet you won’t know til you try. Worse case is it doesn’t work out and then you can approach it in a more business style fashion but at least you’ll have done a good noble thing you can say you did on your end. What I’m trying to convey is grief at how family ties in this society are devalued over $ and power and who has a right to what. When in reality those things are passing and more often than not once you have them lose their luster and pale in comparison to true family love and relationships that is what when it works it’s worth more than it’s weight in gold
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How big is the house? Mom should be able to reside there after all she is ur mom and her name is on it. I do think its unfair your sister isn't giving u enough time to figure out a plan. Its not fair your sister allegedly ran out of money. to be sure u need to hire an attorney to have finances and all
transferred. this way you can hire someone to come in and assist mom. I hope this works out for you. try to do the best you can. Mom, did it for you. never mind how ur sister is doing. God is watching everyone. just do your best. yes, please inform your roommate he/she has rights. please no surprises.
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2020
She does not want her mom living with her.

God may look our for us but the OP can’t say, “God, be my mom’s caregiver!”

Having a parent live with her will ruin her life.

Other arrangements can be made for her mom. Just because her sissy wants her to do the heavy lifting doesn’t mean that she should.

Would you do it? Your profile is blank. Do you have a parent living in YOUR home? Unless you are willing to do ‘hands on’ caregiving, don’t tell anyone else to do it.

I have done the heavy lifting and I would never do it again. It’s too hard!
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Speak to an administrator at the AL your mom currently lives in and explain what your sister is threatening to do. You also have renter's rights (renter's rights apply to people even if they don't pay rent where they live). Your mother might own the house but you are a tenant and as a tenant you have rights too. When a person moves into a rented apartment, the landlord can't just let themselves in. They can't just take up residence in a tenant's apartment then demand they become their caregiver because they own the property the tenant resides in.
Your sister sounds like the classic alpha-female using intimidation tactics because she's sure you'll fold out of fear of her and become the caregiver to your mom. Please excuse me if I speak plainly. I say call that bitch's bluff. She will have to formally evict you from the home you live in. That means go to court and get a sheriff to serve you with eviction papers. If she plans on dropping mom off next month, let her know now that if she does you will put mom in the car and drop her off at the ER in your town's hospital, because you've made it clear that you will not be her caregiver. What happens then is your sister gets in trouble because as her POA she's responsible for your mom's welfare and for finding accommodations for her.
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rovana Dec 2020
Not sure that POA IS responsible for caregiving. Has mom been declared incompetent? POA is NOT the same as guardian.
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Contact APS and let them know what is going on. If sister does go through with her plan, you are in no way responsible to provide caregiving. If mom needs care, notify APS there is a vulnerable adult living in your home and there is no one to supervise her. You have your own responsibilities to take care of, you can't be forced into a situation you are unable or unwilling to be a part of. Or, you can move. But if moving is not a viable option now, stay where you are, and let APS know that your sister is putting your mother in a dangerous and vulnerable situation because you are not able to care for her. Also let them know about your sister's financial misdeeds. They will investigate. Also, don't hesitate to send her to the ER and keep sending her there if necessary.
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rovana Dec 2020
I suspec the fact that mom is an owner of the house complicates the issue of there being an ablebodied adult living in the home. I don't know what the local/state laws say on this kind of situation. Neglect??
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Why is mom's name on the house? Did mom finance the down payment? How long ago was the house purchased? Contact an elder law attorney for advice. How old is mom? Who has been paying taxes, insurance and maintenance on the home?

I would move. You are getting married anyway. Or is your roommate your fiance? Then tell sis mom's care is hers to figure out. She cannot force mom*s care on you.

Call APS,
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2020
Exactly! Put the whole thing behind her.

Let her sister who is POA deal with it. I wouldn’t want guardianship either.

She should just wash her hands of it all, and walk away, marry the man she loves and be happy.

Her sister can’t ‘dump’ her mother on her.
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Why are you saying your sister took your mom's funds? Do you know that for a fact or could she possibly be a paid POA? That brings me to my second point, are you giving half the rental income monthly to your mom minus her portion of upkeep and property taxes? If not, you are misusing mom's money also. So, do you really want to open that can of financial abuse worms?

Talk to a lawyer and apply for guardianship.
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I would definitely demand to see you sister's account activity in regards to mom's money, no one can miss use any of the money not even her , put her in her place.
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gladimhere Dec 2020
It is tye POA-s responsibility to keep mom's business private. To mem this sounds like quite the Pandora's box and both sisters may have been exploiting mom.
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I just found this about your tenants in common predicament:
"One way you can end a joint tenancy in Florida real estate is to sell your interest in the property to a stranger. It is entirely permissible for someone who owns residential real estate in Florida to sell their interest to anyone of their choosing.  DAD, INC. v. Moring, 218 So. 2d 451 (Fla. Dist. Ct. App. 1969).
Additionally, in Florida, a joint tenant of residential real estate may sell his or her interest in the property to a total stranger without the consent of the other joint tenants.  Harelik v. Teshoney, 337 So. 2d 828 (Fla. Dist. Ct. App. 1976)."

If you have actual proof that your sister "helped herself to some of my mom's money" call the Florida Department of Elder Affairs and also check out their Resource Directory on their website.

You must learn to stand up to your sister. So far she's only *said* she's dropping your mother off next month. You must find a real estate lawyer and get yourself out of this home situation as quickly as possible. Whether that's having the attorney write to your sister about you buying out your mother's share - your offer just went down, BTW because you needed to hire an attorney - or you forcing the sale of the house, you need legal advice.
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jacobsonbob Dec 2020
I like seeing "book, chapter and verse" quoted; excellent work, NYDIL!
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APS, especially now, will be too slow. Consult with a lawyer. He/she may be able to ask for an accounting. Your sister will need to provide bank statements showing where Moms money has gone. If she has used any of it personally, she will need to pay it back. Ask about buying Mom out. Do you need sister's permission. How can u do it. Mom hasn't lived in the house for 4 years.

I would also check with her AL to see, since she has paid all this time privately, if Medicaid can help. In my state, if you pay privately for at least 2 years, you can apply for Medicaid. Your only problem will be is if sister did take money. There will be a penalty. Someone will need to pay for Moms care either in the AL or their home until the penalty is satisfied. And if its because of sister, you need to let her deal with the consequences.
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The best thing you can do is to put the house on the market and inform your sister that you have done so. Half of the sale price will go to your mother to pay for AL. Move into an apartment if you have to. You want to continue living in a house that is only half yours; you don’t want your mother to live with you. Don’t waste money on lawyers. This is the best way to settle this.
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LakeErie Dec 2020
The problem is that her mothers name is on the deed and the property cannot be sold without the signatures of both parties. If she cannot get mom to sign and she cannot get the power of attorney to sign and she cannot sell half of the house to anyone. The best thing to do would be to buy out her house or sell her half to mom. It is a sticky situation and a good example of why never to do this.
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Since the house is under your mom's name, there is no reason why you cannot move out, live your own life and your sister can do whatever. Just get yourself OUT of the picture since your mom made your sister POA -- let her deal with it.

You cannot sell the house since your name is not on the deed.

Move out. Just pack up and leave. Get your own place. You cannot possibly work full time with an aged mother who was in assisted living, and her condition is only going to get worse. It sounds like your sister wants a free caregiver and she controls the purse strings. Do not do it--LEAVE.
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NYDaughterInLaw Dec 2020
Re-read the post!
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Please consult with a lawyer the specializes in elder law. He/She can advise your the best about your rights and possible solutions.
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The house belongs to BOTH mom and op. I imagine the deed is in both names.
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Floridacrazy Dec 2020
Yes we are both on the deed but only my mom is on the mortgage. I could walk away but I am afraid the home would go into foreclosure. I did help with the down payment, and renovations on the house. I would like my share of the equity.
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Has your mother been deemed mentally incapacitated ? Is there a certificate of incapacity on her ? Is your mother mentally appropriate, and if so, is she able to input on decision-making ?

My mother lives with me and I am listed as POA. She is forgetful and has difficulty with decision-making, but I am able to discuss things with her and make decisions together as much as possible. She does not have a DOI / COI (determination/certificate of incapacity) and I do not want to have the dr. write one until really necessary. Not sure of you/your mom/and sister's situation.

I do not think APS would have the answers you need for legal purposes, including trying to sell the home. For your peace of mind, I agree with consulting an attorney, an elder attorney, so you can determine your options.
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Speak with an elder attorney before you sell the house. If you sell the house, you may need to immediately put your mother on a waiting list for an assisted living facility that accepts medicare. She will have some assets after the sale of the house, and this may complicate getting her into an assisted living facility.
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NYDaughterInLaw Dec 2020
Poster is not the POA. Her sister is. This will all be her sister's problem, not hers. It appears that in the State of Florida, one of the tenants in common can force the sale of the house or even sell their half to a total stranger. Again, getting her mother into ALF will be her sister's problem because her sister is in charge of their mother.
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Even though Mom’s name is on the deed, sister has POA,she can sign for sale of home. Obviously, that is not what sister wants to do. Are both names on the mortgage loan, as well? Who has been paying the loan? Has Mom been contributing even though she has been in AL?
I’m afraid you are going to need more help than you will get here.
Good luck to you and I hope all works out well for everyone.
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Change the locks and tell your sister that she can't droo your mom off to live with you and that you are going to call Social Services on her for illegally spending your mom's money.

Tell your sister she'll have to continue staying in the Senior Home where she is and you will pay them so much a month and that money will be deducted from half the value of the home.

You can get the value of the home from a Realtor.

Or, you may want to just sell the home, give the Senior Place where she is Living the money monthly so tmyour sister doesn't spend it and let your sister know if she doesn't agree,, you will turn her in fir illegally spending your mom's money.

Mare sure the Senior Home she's in will let her stay with only her Social Security, after her money runs out.

Talk to your mom and let her know what's going on and let her know you will be happy to buy her share out.
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2020
Sensible solution! I don’t see the sister stepping up to welcome her mom, even though she has POA. She wants to dump it all on the sister!
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If your mom's name is on the deed, she has every right to the home.
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AlvaDeer Dec 2020
As they apparently BOTH own the home this could lead to the coo-owner insisting on a sale. I am not certain about all States, but do know in California a home that is co-owned must be sold if any ONE person on the deed wants the sale.
So this could have a very negative affect for all. As in an answer below, in some states the interest in the home can be sold by the OP, leaving an elderly Mom with a new co-owner. Though who would buy into that mess I am uncertain.
I think a Real Estate attorney in the OP's state might give advice on this better than me, for sure.
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Keep your mother in a sheltered home. If she needs money turn to Medicaid. Depending on what state this is in the laws will vary. You must visit an elder care attorney for the local technical answers. You can have a partition sale of the house if sister won't sign for mother. You will either have to buy it out or sell take your
share and get a new home. The money your mother gets will be spent for her care pending Medicaid approval. Or if she is on Medicaid before the house sells then they may place a lien on the house that will be paid when it sells. Not an easy case for the family; but far from rare as far as Medicaid personnel are concerned.
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You can't shut your mother out of her own house. It is just as much her house as it is yours. What you can do is think about assisted living . That way your mother is cared for.
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Get a lawyer immediately!!!!! This is getting out of hand. Your sister is bullying you. She is bullying you about mom, bullying mom, and trying to control you both in the house. How long did she think the money would last for her assisted living.? Sell the house regardless of what sibling says. She cannot bully you like that and tell you what price, or if you can sell it, and when. She is obviously controlling to the point of jerking both you and your mom around.
I can't stress enuff to get a lawyer. You don't know if sibling spent the money or what happened. They can get an accounting. You can't on your own.

I found out the hard way. Sibling refused to tell me anything about my parents estate, was controlling about any info pertaining to my parents. Nothing but lies and complete silence when I would ask. Found out later everything she told me was a lie right down to the cause of death for my dad. And gave 3 stories of what happened to 2 diff wills. She wasn't executor and told me she was. Then let estate go for 8yrs refusing to do anything. You can't do that.

You have a right to know what is going on with the money. My lawyer said why didn't I consult him sooner! Time is not on your side here. You have a right to know the accounting of what she did with the money. You need a lawyer now.
Id get a lawyer 1st, then change the locks with his approval 1st. He might say you can't do it. Your mom has a right to be in the house but not her. Id tell them that she would try to come into the house and make life hell. Now she is controlling the money and trying to control you by forcing you to loose your job to take care of your mom. She could come into the house any time of night or day, she wants. Id also say if she drops mom off you are calling elder care and the police that she abandoned an elderly person without care. You are working so you are not taking care of her. It is her responsibility to set up care for mom. Not you. She cannot force you to care for mom 24/7. You won't get sleep and loose your job. Not to mention the upheaval, and abuse fighting in front of your mom.

Why on earth would you buy half a house? You need to get out of there. YOU NEED A LAWYER YESTERDAY!!! Take it from someone who was was burned by their sibling. Dont wait!! You need someone who does estates and real estate. Go to the phone book and start calling. She can't say yes to selling the home and then say no to the price. You have the right to sell. Get a lawyer today!
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rovana Dec 2020
Mom's part ownership has to be taken into account. Talking to a lawyer would be wise here. Sell the house, but do it right.
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Why is no one thinking about the mother??? She has done so much to help both of her daughters only to be treated like trash. She is your mother ...HELP HER! Stop thinking about who's fault it is and work on what is best for her. I do think it may be a good idea for her to come live with you but to find in home care. She would hopefully be with family that loves her. They should after all she has done. If she lives with you then you should have power of attorney to help your mother pay for her needs.
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rovana Dec 2020
Unfortunately, I think mom would be better off NOT being cared for either of these two sisters. Sell the house and use mom's share to pay for an AL and then apply for medicaid later.
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Your rights end where your mother's begin. And that is, she owns half the house. The situation created here is pretty much the same for you and the sister. You used half mom's money to buy a house that you have enjoyed for the past 5 years. Mom enjoyed it only one year. Sister sees that as you helping yourself to some of mom's money. She did the same. Both of you have cut into what would have been medical expense money for mom. You really should step down from the high horse and get on equal ground with your sister since both of you enjoyed her monies.

So, sister put mom in assisted living. Some unexplained info - did sister take her out or are you saying mom no longer has any money to pay for the AL facility? Is mom moving from siblings house to your house or from AL to your house? If moving from AL because money is gone - both of you owe mom money to keep her there longer.

Determine the fair market value of the home and you pay that amount to the facility to cover the charges. You would also need to get an elder attorney to draw up the paperwork for you to buy mom out of her part of the house w/payment going to the facility as payment for the house. You would also need to have appraisal done on the house to legitimately determine market value of the home. If you try to low ball it and pay her less than market value, Medicaid is going to see it as gifting and mom will be penalized where Medicaid will not pay for her bed (when all her money is gone) when she needs a Medicaid/state paid for bed.

You can also have atty draw up paperwork for money that sister took to address that. Get copy of bank statement to show how much sister took out. Do you have any idea what sis used the money for? If mom was at sister's house, there is every possibility renovations to home could be explained as needed to care for mom (and sis would owe nothing back). Sister can make monthly payments to facility until the money is paid back or mom could live with sister for the number of penalty months where Medicaid won't pay for a bed because of that gift.

First issue, as I see it, is - is mom still competent to sign documents? If she is, this needs to be addressed and remedied before you find yourself dealing with a dementia issue. It's very possible mom could just sign the documents so you could list home with real estate agent and get it all sold with 1/2 proceeds going to mom to pay for her own facility care. That would be easiest.
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The lawyer can take the case to court and force the sale of the house. That way the money is there for mom's care.
The OP said she is getting married. So sibling is probably very jealous. That is why she is trying to control the OP. The OP can't plan a wedding if she had to work and care for mom. Or go on a honeymoon. Well she can but who is going to care for mom while she is away? Who is paying for mom's care? All this started bc OP shared some emails? The sibling was found out. Thats why she is mad.

The poa cannot force someone to take care of the mother. (OP is working) or if OP refuses because she will be controlled by the sibling. This is all about narcissistic control over the sibling. I know know all about that. They aren't on friendly terms, or the sister would not be threatening the other sister! They could come to an agreement like normal people. There is nothing normal going on here! You don't threaten a person period bc they dont do what you want. Sister is trying to control everything about the house, the OP's life, and the mother like they are her pawns. Normal people don't do that. Narcissists do. If you have never dealt with a narc you won't understand or have a clue. Only a person that has dealt with that understands.You don't know the lengths a narc will go to control you and destroy your life.

You can tell your sister she is legally responsible for mom's care by being poa. SHE has to provide care. She can't force it on anyone. She will have to come up with money for round the clock care. If she says it will be you, tell her you will report her to the police and the county dept of aging for not providing care. She cannot force anyone to do it for free. Therefore mom is neglected. And the police will be called for neglect. She will be responsible not you.

I know you all think OP should do it bc she is her mother. That is a 24hr a day job. If she agrees sibling can continue to jerk her around for the next 20yrs. Refuse to do it. Sibling may be able to drop mom off, but it is not legally her house so she can be told to leave.
That is why you need a lawyer ASAP. Your sister just proved she will continue to try to control you, your mom, and the house, and all funds. She has no right to control you or who you show emails to. She is a narcissist. If you have never dealt with one, then you have no clue about it. They get a kick out of making your life miserable. That is why she agreed, then reneged on selling the house. It is all about trying to control the sister.
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2020
Your answer makes sense to me! We don’t know the exact details but this is how it comes across to me too.
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Don’t allow your sister to railroad you. See an attorney about buying your sister out.

Take control of your circumstances by doing whatever works best for you.

Be fair to your roommate. Give them a ‘heads up’ so they can plan for their future.

If you have to move out of your home, in order not to be roped into being a full time caregiver, then do it!

Beats the alternative of doing hands on caregiving that you are clearly not interested in doing.

I don’t blame you! It’s YOUR life, not your sister’s or your mom’s concerns as to how you choose to conduct your own business.

You are not responsible for either of them.

Let your sister figure this out for herself. Step away!

Do not cave into her wishes. She isn’t your boss. You don’t have to answer to her or your mom.

Be independent. Stand your ground. Best wishes!
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