Can my husband be forced to go to Assisted Living?

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I was married to my husband 7 years ago. He is 78 and I am 66. I knew him from church for many years before he asked me out and in church he was always a nice guy with good manners. After being married a year he admitted that he married me for my "mind" and my "money" and didn't ask me out sooner because of my "weight issue." Over the years he has been verbally and emotionally abusive with a little physical abuse thrown in (pushing/shoving). He wanted to sell his house and use that money to build a house "we" could move to in the southwest (we live in the Northeast). He did sell his house, moved into mine, refused to contribute a penny to household costs and built the house he wanted. Now he wants me to set up this new place and move him there where he will live alone. Well, he has been evaluated to need an assisted living level of care and cannot be left alone because of his Alzheimer's. I have been a reluctant caregiver but make sure he is comfortable and well cared for. His physician wants him in assisted living for his good and in many ways for mine. I am having some major health issues. We can afford AL - being very fortunate in that he has two long term care policies. However, he absolutely refuses to go and when I try to discuss it with him he gets irritable, agitated and starts to plot ways to get to his new house by himself. His license was revoked months ago after a road test and he cannot drive but says he will anyway to get there. I have POA and I am his Health Proxy. Is there any way he can be forced to go into assisted living?

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Then give up on him, I am a Christian and I believe in forgiveness. Not an easy situation, I am going through an ugly battle myself.....heartbreaking. But I pray, and ask for guidance and try to do the right thing. If not, I would be full of hate and discontent. That is not what life is about.
I was just giving my opinion, like everyone else had.=}
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OK...so maybe not a divorce!
But remember LilDebb39, this fellow is NOT her father. He sounds like he has taken advantage of her since they were first married. It doesn't sound like he contributes anything but grief,
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Bluebird,
I agree with Bonnie, except for the divorce. My father is going through the SAME THING!! Lost his license in December and just got out of the hospital from another UTI.
They do change in personalities, but giving up and kicking them out.....I do not believe is right. I stayed with my father while he was in the hospital, and he got agitated, upset, confused even combative at times but I always kept in my mind he WAS my sweet, sweet father! There are Assisted Living facilities that will take you both. I have a good friend whose dear mother is declining with Alzheimer's and they both live together. In an AL facility.
Also, I just learned from my dad, when they are "not themselves", they do not remember it. My dad told me, "it was like being in a fog".

It's crazy, Mom passed 11 years ago March 23 from ALS. Now dad has Dementia. Nobody ever said life was easy, but it is definitely worth it!! LOVE from MacDill AFB, FL
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come to think of it, we all need our own Team! don't we!!!

I think that is part of what this blog is all about. Helping one another.
Thanks for your kind words. bonnie
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One more thing, Bluebird...when people ask you "What can I do to help" besure to give them something to do!
sounds to me that all of the folks I've been talking about are ready, willing and able to step in and help you with this problem. You just need to ask them and give them permission. It would be super wonderful if you could get them together to map out a plan of action. The lawyer will know the legal end, the doctor would cover the medical issues, the Pastor and friends are their for both of you spiritually and in practical terms and may be able to help with the emotional support you need.
People who care about you want to help. Just let them!
You don't want to end up like that Jodi Airisa who is in more than deep trouble for killing her boyfriend from frustration!
hugs,Bonnie
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Bonnie, what excellent advice!
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Bluebird, you have the necessary support team to help this man. Pastor, Doctor, Lawyer...and your friends.
Lean on them as a team...tell your friends that he has become obstinate and abusive at times. People with dementia can up and change their personality and character! You don't have to worry that your friends would think less of you or him. The man is sick and getting worse. He needs The Team to work together to get him where he will have the best possible treatment/care.

You need The Team to help support you. Let them know you really are asking them to be a member of The Team and let them know what you need them to do.
When I married my husband 28 years ago he had an 18 year old son with signifcant developmental disabilities. There were some really rough spots along the way for us all. and I mean very tough times!
My new best friend was his case manager! What a world of relief it was for me to have the professionals understand my problems and his.
I really learned to say "Son needs professional help. I am NOT a professional" That really helped my husband get over thinking I was able to take care of his son's mental issues. Some people may say you are throwing in the towel, but you aren't You are just saying your husband has progressed to a place where you need professional help!
If your Team would support you, then they can bring down the gaunlet for at least the respite care. Have your husband tell the Team that he won't go...I bet he would not say no to them.
An old piece of advice...Keep a volunteer between you and a mistake...If you can get your volunteer Team to help in this area, he can't blame you or take it out on you. Let him blame the Pastor, Doctor, Lawyer and dear friends...as a unit! And if he refuses Professional help...divorce him and kick him out of your house.
Good luck. Not sure I'm saying anything that can help you but I sure do care about your situation. Bonnie
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Your not alone.....
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I do so very appreciate all of your help......nice to feel not so alone. Here's some more info. I do have financial resources of my own, it is my money that has supported the two of us for 7 years. When he moved in my financial situation actually worsened because there were more bills to pay with him here. He has no family, his daughter died two years ago, and he has one church friend who is kind enough to extend himself to keep the friendship intact. As soon as the dementia dx happened I put my house in trust with my kids as trusties to protect it. I have had the same attorney for many years - he is incredibly protective and has my back if I need that. Thank you for mentioning my church family - I have had candid talks with my pastor who who is above and beyond supportive and he totally agrees that I need to get my husband out of the house. There are also some very dear friends there that I can talk to, although I won't share with them how abusive he was/is. That would feel too betraying to their relationship with him. They think he is the best thing since sliced bread and why corrupt that?
His physician is a family care physician and also a geriatric physician. I think maybe the way to go might be to give him a call and hope that I can talk to him privately about my husband's refusal to go to a care facility. He may be able to tell me what to do. I guess if his physician can declare him incompetent (he would) then that means some kind of furtive way to get my husband to AL. Like do I get everything in place with a care facility and then lie to him about where he is going and just take him there? Time to call his doctor. Thank you much for your help. Also, we live in the foothills of the Adirondacks, very rural, and there are no resources here like day care. I can put him in respite care if he will go.
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It's questionable at what point in the progression of dementia/Alzheimers that a POA can be changed by someone. Although it's a voluntary document, it's dependent on the person/patient being competent/capable of signing or re-assigning someone as POA. If the person isn't capable/competent, that's exactly when the original POA is valid for decision making.
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