Can money be taken from a loved one's bank account to go towards a larger home so that they can live together with family?

Yup, this happened before when I asked a question on here....because people on here assume things. Then I feel I need to clarify, even though I don't. I know the all the facts and I can weigh the pros and cons and make my own decisions. All I really wanted to know is advice on a legal issue and it turned into this, again.
And even though this IS related to caring for an elder, I will now close this conversation. Thanks again for everyone's input. Take care!

Waiting, this discussion is becoming more about your needs and wants instead of something related to caring for an elder. There are probably more appropriate websites for you to find support.

I'm not asking him to throw his dad under the bus or in a NH and forget him. All I really want is for us to be able to get away once in a while. Take a long weekend together. There are other issues involved. Ones I'm not going to discuss on here. He told me that he would not be doing this if he didn't have to.He has no choice.He's stuck. Anyway, I thank you all for your input.

Waiting4life.... Your boyfriend's dad has had a full life and is coming to the end of it. His dad is still alive and has issues. If your boyfriend didn't love his dad he wouldn't be doing this. This is a wonderful trait. Be thankful he is this way. If you're tired of waiting, then like everyone said, move on. Just don't make your boyfriend pick between his dad and you, and please don't put a guilt trip on him either. He's probably feeling lousy about this entire situation as it is.

Pam, I have told BF that I don't need an expensive ring or a big wedding. In fact, I prefer a small wedding. Like I said before, I'm not a gold digger. I just want to get our lives started. My income is enough to support my daughter and I, but not enough to finance the building of a house. I would have to sell my house first...and then where would I live? BF only works part time and his money is tied up in retirement funds.

And, like I said before, I know perfectly well that what I have said sounds selfish. But if you had any idea what I have been through you would totally understand. And, I know...doesn't give me any right..... I just wish it would be my turn to be happy....in all of my 48 years I can't ever remember being truly happy....

That's my whole point, flyer, my BF has not even had a life yet and it's likely that he won't be free to have one until he also is older with age decline. My mother was so afraid that she was going to be a burden to her children in her old age that she bought NH insurance. Then she developed cancer we didn't find out until a month before she died because she didn't want anyone to be worried or burden anyone to have to care for her.

waiting4alife, we are all thinking about you, your daughter, and your future husband and what would happen if the father moved into a new home he's not familiar with and living under the same roof now with you and your daughter included. That is very disruptive to someone with Alzheimer's and in turn will disrupt your life, too.

I can fully understand that you want to have a life of your own with a new husband, but all of us here find life comes to a screeching halt when there are elders involved. My plans to retire and travel the world stopped 6 years ago and I don't foresee those plans ever getting off the ground now due to my own age decline.... but my parents had a fantastic retirement.

Maybe BF is not the one who wants the big ring and wedding and bragging rights? Sorry if I seem harsh, but that is not what love and commitment is all about,,IMHO The dad is in his 90's you have waited this long... and it;s HIS money for gosh sakes! Maybe he still has a few years HE thinks should be happy and fulfilling.. he worked for it! My hubs and I worked hard for what we have, and now my mom lives with us.. I am not gonna spend her money for anything for us without her permission ( or knowing that she would have given it) The money I got when my dad passed is still in the bank.. in case my mother needs it. I Know it is for ME.. but she was his sweetheart and I'd rather she get it if she needs it. You say you have a good job... so why not use your money and BF's to get the ball rolling

Not to sound inconsiderate, but why is everyone always so worried about what is best for the person who has already lived a happy and fulfilling life? No one is concerned about what is best for the people who's life has been put on hold for the past several years? The ones who can't HAVE a life because the one who already had a happy, fulfilling life needs to be kept happy....at the expense of the people who have had to give up there lives...or not begin there lives because they have to keep the person who lived their life happy... I'm usually not this self-centered, but I have given up my happiness all of my life so that others can be happy. It has made me miserable. You reach a point where you want to be the SELFISH one instead of the SELFLESS one, all the time. It's SO frustrating! And, yes, he is worth waiting for, but the waiting is....ugh...there are no words.

It seems to me that freqflyer and Ralph have covered both the medical/emotional issues and legal too. Moving someone with Alzheimer's isn't the best thing. Even rearranging a room can be difficult on them! I understand how hard it can be to be patient, but that's why it's called a virtue - not all people have it. Either marry and live separately until dad passes, or wait to marry until he does. If it's not worth waiting for, move on. It will be best on his dad to stay where he is and use his funds for his care.

Yes, babalou, I'm sure it's hard not to jump to all kinds of different conclusions with this situation. But, like I said---only I know all the facts. And I know he is concerned with my happiness, as well. He wants a nice ring, for me. He wants a nice wedding for me. He wants to do it right, not half-a**. His dreams are no less important than mine are. And this is what he has always dreamed of. It's all about compromise....give and take. About not being selfish, and yet, being selfish enough to not get taken advantage of.

I've never been a gold digger, if that is what you are suggesting. My 1st husband was not rich, by any means. We both worked at mediocre-paying jobs and we did okay, but didn't have the money for a lot of extras. I know what hard work is, and carry my own weight...and then some. My ex is supposed to have 50% custody of my daughter, yet, I have her 97% of the time--his choice. But, it's a good thing, because I feel he is a bad influence for her, and she prefers not to spend much time with him.

Lucy, My 1st husband left me with next to nothing....long story, but I got royally screwed. But it was worth it to no longer be with him, for real. With the help of my mom, I went back to college and got a better education, and now I work at a hospital and support my daughter and myself quite well, with a veru small amount of child support from my ex. I learned my lesson well----never be financially dependent on anyone..

Waiting; I'm trying hard not to jump to any conclusions here, but I would tread cautiously in trying myself to a man who places such a store in "things" such as the ring he can show off and the "impressive" wedding. Where he places his values.... Not on your happiness, not on commitment, but on "showing" other people. In my mind, not a solid basis on which to base a marriage.

Oh Lucky you..hope your first husband left you financially independent. Or are you going in for a second dip?

Never married. I was married once, for 10 years. Now....I can predict what everybody is thinking. Let me guess.....you think that if he hasn't married, by now, that he's just not the marrying kind. That he doesn't want to marry anyone, ever. WRONG! He has his reasons why he never married, and they are valid.

Has BF been married before? Or a bachelor.

Joann29, He wants to marry. He mentioned it to me, first. But he also said that it can't happen until his dad passes. Then he wants to get full time work in his field, which he has been out of for a long time and probably needs his skills updated. Then he wants to save up money to buy me an impressive ring and give us an impressive wedding. That's all fine and good, but how many years is this going to take? He's a perfectionist. He wants all the conditions to be perfect, but that will take years and we don't have that kind of time. We are not young. But he says it's important to him. He feels bad because he can't wine and dine me, and show me a good time with his part-time income. I think he thinks that buying me a really nice ring will kind of make up for that. I do understand where he's coming from. a man wants to be able to show off the beautiful ring he bought for the woman he loves....

My BF was born late in his parents' lives. His dad is 96, my BF is 53. I am 48. So, only a 5-year age gap. My daughter was born late in my life. I was 36 when I had her. Lovelucy, my BF has made me secondary beneficiary after his dad. To me, that says a lot about how he feels about me.

You have a 13 year old daughter. BF's dad is 92? I would guess you are probably 40 or under. So since dad is 92, your BF must be about 60? Just wondering.

My dad's been gone a year and a half now and as far as I know, he and his gf, who they supposedly got engaged just right before my dad wound up in the hospital for the last time and died less than a month later, haven't gotten married yet; just saying

My Uncle had a girlfriend who wanted to get married because she was lonely, Unfortunately before they married he passed away, she ended up with all his properties. He had six months before his death changed his will and named her as sole beneficiary..So my suggestion is wait your turn..

The father may get to the point the son can no longer take care of him. I just looked it up and there are 7stages of Alzheimers. He is close he may need nursing care. Any money he has will go towards his care the house will need to be sold if his. I think the best thing is to bide your time. If the father goes to a NH or passes you should give your boyfriend some time to get his life on track. Being a caregiver is stressful enough and holding down a job. Does he want to marry or you. If its more you, give him some room. As said, this is not a good situation for a 13yr old. Any time your boyfriend has will be for his Dad.

Well, here's my story- I dated a man for ten years, thinking we would someday get married and have a life together. His father lived with him for the first five years that we dated. After his dad died, he still wanted to put off making a commitment because I have a son with Aspergers, and he didn't want the responsibility of helping me raise him. When both of my children were successfully raised and off at college, he found another excuse, and another girlfriend.
If your BF wanted to marry you, he would find an appropriate facility for his dad, and work full time to fulfill his own life. Then you could have a life together.
I learned my lesson the hard way. Fortunately I don't regret it, as I still have my parents (94 and 88), four loyal chihuahuas, and a job that keeps me busy.

There are money issues, too. BF only working part time, he only has enough money to maintain his current possessions and a little left over for necessities--property taxes, car insurance, phone bill, gas, food, clothes, etc. He has money, but it's tied up in investments and he can't touch it until he's retirement age.

Deep down I know it just isn't possible to be married and be living in the same household together. It just wouldn't work, financially, and also as far as his dad and my daughter are concerned. But, I was determined to try and find a way. I don't think I would want to have to deal with his dad, and that's what I (and my daughter) would end up doing. It would not be a very pleasant situation even if we were able to get a larger house. And, I know that is what my BF is trying to avoid. He doesn't want me to have to deal with his dad. He feels his dad is his responsibility and I shouldn't have to be burdened with it. That's very sweet, but he thinks he can do it alone.....NOT! He has been, for years, but now his dad is most likely in stage 6 and has been getting into more trouble than usual.

He burnt up the microwave last week! Of course, he didn't know what happened and it wasn't him that did it....he can't remember from one minute to the next. So trying to get information about what happened is frustrating, to say the least. His dad has no clue.

His dad forgets to eat and take his medication unless BF is there. Even though BF leaves him a note on dry erase board in huge letters about what he needs to do and when to do it. He still doesn't do it.

His dad has to cath himself twice a day bacause he has prostatitis. He will cath, but doesn't use the anti-bacteria soap he is supposed to use to clean the catheter. He just rinses it out with water. This results in him getting reccurent UTI's.

He can't bathe himself, brush his teeth/partial, comb his hair, shave.

One thing he can still do is walk fairly well. He's very slow, but he can do it. One of the things he's determined about is not using a cane, or anything else to walk. He would rather stay home than go with us and have to be pushed in a wheel chair due to the fact that he is so slow and tires too quickly, which results in us having to always leave an event, prematurely. He knows riding in the wheelchair is a condition of him going with us to events that involve a lot of walking. But, as much as he'd like to go, he will stay home, because he won't agree to the wheel chair. And then he complains because we left him home.....

Sorry, just venting a little, here...

Power of Attorney. His dad is trusting his son to make decisions on his behalf. If the dad did not have Alzheimer's, would he consent to his son using all of his money to buy a bigger home? If his dad wanted a bigger home in the first place, they would already be in one. The money belongs to his dad. This money should only be allocated for his dad's care.

Please understand, I tend to be blunt. Comments above regarding the daughter witnessing all of this is important also.

Besides... if this fellow wanted to marry they would have already done so. He may be just buying time and not want to deal with a new life, new wife, new daughter and be responsible for the caregiving of his dad. It may be just too overwhelming to handle.

Wait and see. Dad may live a lot more years and every penny will be necessary to care for him.

I don't think he wants to put any of the burden of caretaking on me, and he doesn't want my daughter to have to be exposed to it. That is smart, and for the best, but it doesn't make it easier to be apart.

The following is for educational and informational purposes only and should not be considered legal advice. Consult appropriate professionals.

Relationship issues aside, be mindful of possible asset transfer consequences with respect to qualifying for Medicaid if it is required in the future.
In general, an agent operating under a Power of Attorney must be acting in a "fiduciary capacity" for the principal. In other words, acting in the best interest of the person who granted the power. If the document permits the activity you are proposing there should be not problem.

With respect to potential Medicaid benefits, simply using father's money to build a new property that is not titled to him could be an issue as it would be considered an uncompensated transfer and therefore create a penalty period before Medicaid benefits will be available.

The uncompensated transfer issue may be solved by father purchasing what is known as a "life estate" in the new property giving him the right to live there for the rest of his life. He must then live in the property for at least one year for the transfer not to be considered subject to penalty.

Rules vary by state. An appointment with an elder law attorney would be beneficial.

agree, glad, many people who want to get married are willing to wait for many reasons

I disagree, they want to do it ASAP, otherwise Las Vegas would have many more marriages than they do and many of those end in divorce because of the ASAP attitude. Couples plan and get married when the time is right for both of them independent of the other. And the time is not right for your intended, it seems.

We have been together 4 years. If I don't know him by now, I never will! I love him and know that I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I have known this for a long time. Loneliness is just one of the many reasons I want marriage. Certainly not the only reason. Anybody who has found the one they want to spend the rest of there lives with wants to get started ASAP. There is nothing wrong with that. That's normal.