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My mom is 81 and has ovarian cancer and mild dementia. I am a retired school teacher who also took long-term teaching positions in order to supplement my retirement pension. My supplemental net income was $3000.00 a month. When it became apparent to my 2 siblings and me that mom could no longer live alone, we decided to look for an assisted living facility for her. The price ranges we looked at were between $4,500.00 and $5,000.00 a month and we eventually decided on one that was $5,000.00/month. When it got close to the time for her to move, she made it clear that she did not want to go to an assisted living facility. I decided to give up my job and supplemental income so that she could move in with my husband and me. My mom pays me $3,000.00 a month to make up for the salary that I gave up when I quit my job in order to stay home and care for her. She pays for no utilities or groceries, etc., and yes, she has the money to pay me.


I sometimes feel guilty for taking this money, but at other times feel that it is only fair because that is the amount I gave up plus it is still well below the amount she would have paid the assisted living facility. Is this right and fair? Oh, and my siblings do nothing as far as taking her to chemo (once a week, 60 miles away), various doctors appointments, etc. They have also never offered to give us a "break" by taking mom to their homes for a weekend or even a day. I would also like to add that my husband and I also gave up our privacy and free time. I guess I would just like others' opinions on this because I do feel guilty about it at times, and it causes me much stress.

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Please get a written care giver contract with as much legal input as possible! The vultures will circle at some point!!! It can get ugly and expensive at warp speed.
My sister and her husband took care of his parents and uncle for 10 years. Each had some form of dementia and the men had prostate cancer. Their sister was in a care facility with dementia. Her husband was in poor health. Their only child said he couldn't help care for anyone but his own parents. Do whatever you think is best. BinL's sister said she was too busy with work, kids, horses, etc to help with her parents and uncle. Do what you think is best. So they did what they thought best. To preserve the family farm and future inheritance, they chose to remodel the family homestead, keep the three patients at home and bring in hired help as needed. My sister filled in whenever an aide wouldn't show up. She drove to all appts, paid all the bills, did the record keeping, cooked the meals and cleaned the house. Eventually she became bitter doing all the work for free. She felt cheated out of her life, doing everything for people who really weren't her relatives. She burned out and flipped out!!! She began buying herself gifts out of the pooled care giving money: a huge diamond ring, a new car, etc. By the time it became clear that NH placement was needed they couldn't qualify for Medicaid due to the unexplainable cash gifts. Sis hid all this from her husband & family pretending the care was paid by Medicaid while it really came out of the estate. After the last person died and the estate was probated the ship really hit the sand!!! Sis and BinL were sued for malfeasance and elder exploitation 3 times by the cousin. They have no savings left after the costly legal fees, etc.
You need to protect yourself from burnout. It can cause you to act in ways you wouldn't expect. You need to protect your current savings and continue to save for future expenses. Document everything!!! Get everything in writing!!! Get legal advice now!!! You will be so happy in the coming years to know that you provided the loving care your LO needed while having the security of a legal contract protecting your future. Hugs and prayers for smooth sailing!
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No reason for you to feel guilty about a reasonable caregiver contract.  It really is only fair when you think about it.
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Just leave she out of it until you have agreement with mom. It really is none of their business. It would be an unusual family where any of the sibs were not concerned about their inheritance. Heck if you have a legal agreement with mom, the contents of that agreement is none of their business.

Very, very important to have an attorney involved. If you want to tell sibs, I would ask the attorney to draft a letter to sibs about the agreement. Cover your backside so this cannot come back to haunt you. Even with your best efforts, it still may become ugly.
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I am sorry that you had to quit your job to take care of your LO. How long is her money going to last?
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YES, YES & YES ... that money is yours & it's a deal for all - you also should be charging for her 'keep' - have your siblings sign a paper that they either contribute to her care or have no objections to your compensation - also have them agree to come to your home a set amount of time per year to give you time off or THEY PAY for help to come in - if they don't do it then they won't have a leg to stand on after the fact

STOP, STOP, STOP feeling guilty about something that is not your fault - you are doing the grunt work - you are doing the day-to-day stuff - instead take your hand & pat yourself on the back - but protect your ass [excuse my French but do it] from later problems with your siblings by having them sign an agreement NOW so that if they don't live up to their part then they can't say much later
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Feel no guilt and if your siblings try to make you feel guilty, try and ignore them. You are doing what they are unwilling or unable to do, if you did not she would be somewhere she didn’t want to be.
i would also hire a part time caretaker so that you and your husband can have a date night or just a walk alone together.
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moecam Sep 2018
I agree fully - you have a life outside of your mom
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JUST THINKING ALOUD......No, I do not believe that helping to provide a GOOD ENVIRONMENT for your mother is nothing to feel guilty about. THINK OF THE SITUATION, LIKE A PARENT WHO RECEIVES CHILD SUPPORT FROM A PARENT NOT IN THE HOUSEHOLD...It takes money to properly care for someone. Whatever Amount that you may have needed to provide a certain level of comfort in your home, before your Mom came to live with you, is obviously LESS than what you will need to provide a certain level of comfort that INCLUDES your Mother. You've characterized the funds as SUBSTITUTE PAY. However, ADDITIONAL FUNDS are needed to pay for Mom's comfort and care AND for the QUALITY TIME that you spend with her. I'm certain that Mom would feel much more comfortable and at peace with you than in a facility. However, you have the right to feel at peace with the care you are giving and the additional funds needed for a certain level of living go a long way towards helping you achieve that. LAST BUT NOT LEAST, Mom can afford to pay AND she would have to pay a Residential Facility FOR HER CARE, so why not pay FOR HER CARE, that you're giving. Be at peace...you're doing a good thing. And as has been suggested by others, consult with an Elder Care Attorney or Agency so that you can craft a Personal Services Contract that will benefit both you and your Mom and that will avoid either of you being penalized.
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moecam Sep 2018
I feel you should get out & even go for a pedicure for a break - schedule a movie night regularly with someone you trust [mom pays for this] so that if you fell & hurt yourself you would have someone she knows to cover for you because you are from the planet Earth not Krypton so can be hurt accidentally
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you know she would be paying the money out to total strangers I feel if the family all agree to you being paid and no hard feeling than by all means go for it plus she is getting the best care ever and being loved at the same time don't feel like you are doing something wrong you should be proud of yourself your mother raised you as a very loving and caring person and you show it every day by taking care of her and your family enjoy the pay you deserve it 
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Isthisrealyreal Sep 2018
Tegan1997, Why would anyone that's not helping have any say about pay?

So they say no, I don't think you should be paid, so I don't get paid, do you think this would not create hard feelings? They expect you to pay for the parent on top of giving up your entire life, while they are not impacted in the least.

When siblings will not help to keep a parent at home, they loose the right to have a say in how the parent is cared for and how much that care costs. Greedy people looking for a bigger inheritance is the only reason they would say no pay.

Inheritance should never be expected, most people work hard and save for their old age so they will not be a burden on anyone, not so their relatives (kids included) get a big payday when they die.
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Speaking from the perspective of having NOT being paid to care for my parents so they could remain in their home with me as their caretaker, I say if your parent has offered to pay you, take it. Foolishly, I felt guilty about taking payment my folks offered and didn’t get paid thinking I was helping them save money for when they needed to be in a facility. I “saved” them $180k had they needed to pay for 24/7 care at minimum wage. Quitting my job to care for them “cost” me my salary totaling $80k, benefits and retirement contributions. I plowed through my savings, and now can’t work due to my own health that suffered from the stress and physical demands caretaking took. Now I’m trying to figure out how to live on my small pension I was forced to draw earlier then planned which presents a whole slew of new financial issues for me. Please DON’T feel guilty about being paid to do one of the most difficult jobs out there. No matter how much is done out of love or duty or whatever, you must take care of yourself so you don’t end up in a stressful financial mess yourself.
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anonymous444729 Sep 2018
thank you! well said. thank you for being honest! It is one of the very most difficult jobs
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Your situation is exactly the same as mine I wish my siblings thought as much about our father than they do. My husband & family's life changed unexpectedly when my mother suddenly had a massisive heart attack one day she passed away before she got to hospital...my father came to live with me that day we had no time to prepare for this even though I was there caregiver for 3 years before her death they lived in there own home 45 minutes away from me I did everything they couldn't on a daily bases took anything they needed dr. Apps washing clothes medicine groceries you name it I did it my husband and my kids is all the help I got before mom's death now 3 years later we all have adjusted to life with dad living here...we all gave up so much we gave up a lot but we know my dad's safe and happier here than would ever b anywhere else..he still owns his home we kept it rented it to family we go there a lot it makes him feel close to mom and yes I do get paid not my idea I felt the same but getting money for what I do for my father and refused payment till I had to either go back to work myself to help my husband keep us going or I'd have to get paid from my father my father's 82 years old there's daily changes to make little accidents n pants and all those things I wouldn't change it for nothing and I don't feel bad now that I get paid from my father and my husband no longer has all the financial strain on just him its a big relief don't feel guilty your doing everything you can to care for your parent with no help from your siblings there the ones who should feel guilty for what there not doing for there parent and for not helping you they'll regret this when there gone you wont.. get paid u deserve it
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Wow, what a range of answers and I didn't even read them all.

I am so sorry that some answers imply that you don't love your mom because you have thought this situation through logically and decided to charge her for the care she is receiving from you and your husband. Love is what you do! She wanted to not go to a facility and you opened your home to her, gave up your life so she could have her wants and needs met. So to all that think this is inappropriate or unloving- jog on.

You have no reason to feel guilty. You are giving her a gift that she would not otherwise receive and would be in an AL and most likely very unhappy.

Do get an attorney to draw up a caregiver agreement, DO NOT show this as a gift, Medicaid would disallow it and you would be on the hook to pay every penny towards her care before she would qualify for assistance.

The absent siblings will have a fit when it comes time to get their inheritance and will dismiss your sacrifice and hard work to keep your mom home and care for her. Get paid for your work. You can not be expected to give up everything and your own livelihood, it is beyond ridiculous that anyone would guilt you for taking care of you and your families financial stability in a situation that calls for and receives such unselfish complete sacrifice of ones own world.

I personally think you deserve to not only get paid but that your mom pays for respite care so you can take care of you. At least 4 weeks annually, I recommend a week every quarter, caregiving 24/7 is exhausting and you must keep yourself healthy to be the best caregiver.

Get an attorney now, get a contract with pay, duties and respite. Rest easy knowing that it is fair and appropriate for you to do such. You should also consider paying yourself more, 24/7 care and all that includes, meals, med management, housekeeping etc with transportation in your vehicle is more valuable than 3,000.00 a month. Don't believe the lie that what you are giving is not invaluable.

Hugs 2 u for loving your mom enough to open your home to her and sacrificing your own life to give her what she wants and meeting all of her needs without assistance from siblings.

You deserve to be paid and you deserve a medal for your sacrifice.
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anonymous444729 Sep 2018
Fantastic answer!
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Regarding the Medicaid question, we don't know whether LoneStarTeacher's mother has $100,000 or $10,000,000. This makes a difference as to whether Medicaid should even be considered as an eventual possibility (i.e., yes if the former case, no if the latter).
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Don’t feel guilty! You deserve a life too. If that has to come in the form of a salary right now because you are caring for your mom...rather than being able to get out and do what u like...then so be it! My 103 aunt lives with us now...and it has dramatically changed our lives. We r choosing to have caregivers come in and help rather than take a salary....so we do still have a little semblance of a life. You are a kind and generous person by sacrificing your home and your life...
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My mother and father told me- in very clear mind many years ago- Your Father and I would like YOU to care for us in our old age. They handled all of the legalities of this - Put me in charge as DPOA etc. and made it clear that these were their wishes.
"We would RATHER pay you than a stranger" etc. "We would rather pay you than the ridiculous cost of these facilities" and so on
I was one of these people who in the first 4 yeas of care thought I could take it on and not be paid- I felt guilty too- taking on money for my own parents...etc. ? I was scared there wouldn't be enough for when they finally needed a nursing home if I took a salary.
The reality of this thinking is a whole set of problems. You can end up not only sacrificing your own health and risking future poverty. As a result in doing this myself, I have no car, no frills, no cable, no smart phone etc. no savings and so on.
Now, compare the costs of some of these places that would be alternative to what you are providing your parent. Caretakers make between $16 and $24 an hour in my State. And depending on the level of care your mother needs, it can get pretty pricey for skilled nursing. Here it can top 10 thousand a month.

If I pay myself a frugal 2000 a month thats 500 a week for 24/7 care and comes to a whopping $2.96 an hour. Don't forget the sleepless nights, the constant sacrifice and oh!! the sibling who refuses to help will be expecting some inheritance money that you helped save for them while they avoided contributing to care.
Contact a lawyer if you can. A salary is NOT out of the question.



Caring for an aging parent is a whole different thing than caring for children whom We brought into the world and decided to raise.

Respectfully disagree with your answer. In a perfect world we all could afford to lose income and paying into social security -
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anonymous444729 Sep 2018
disregard that last paragraph! lol. I was originally answering someone elses response and forgot to delete it
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I agree with many of the postings here: you really need to get a legal contract, to cover your butt. Medicaid, if you ever need it, WILL consider this gifting if there is no care giver contract, and will not kick in until self-payment has been done that covers all that she paid you.

Additionally, although your siblings have basically washed their hands of any care or help for you, as many have noted in other threads, they may, probably WILL, have their hands out when mom passes for anything that is left! In that case, they *could* contest the funds that you are getting now, UNLESS you get a legal contract covering the payments - hopefully mom can pass muster with the Elder Care Attorney to sign such a contract. Our mom was in the early stages and was deemed competent enough to make the updates to the trust, etc we had set up previously when dad was ill. Don't wait too long!

Personally I have no problem with someone getting paid (especially when the care-giving cuts into one's income AND mom/dad has sufficient assets.) At least one opinion here says you should be doing this out of love for your parent - sure, but if she was able to pay $5,000/month for a facility and you take her in for less, what is the issue? She is getting to stay with family rather than going to a facility. Not only does this impact your income, but it increases your expenses as well. If she can afford it, and clearly she can, she should be contributing - hiring someone OR putting her in a facility will cost MUCH more.

No guilt, just get that contract!!!!!!!

P.S. we did not have anything in the documents about getting paid for anything. I handle everything, and I do mean everything, other than the hands-on care (mom is in MC, there was no way I could care for her and brothers are clueless!) It takes up a lot of my time, and often causes me to cancel things I need to do if some issue comes up, but I get nothing for my time. One brother tells me to take money for myself. I said no, mainly because we need the funds to last, but also because of the potential Medicaid issue, if we ever need to go that route (currently self-paying at a nice MC facility, should be enough to last years!)
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anonymous444729 Sep 2018
great answer
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Tough one. I left my state and position to care for my Mom in FL. No, there is no financial help from our system. I cared for her for almost 7 years and except for household bills took nothing. If you can afford to pay yourself 3,000.a month the honest answer is you can afford caregivers. I agree with other responder, our parents did not hand us a bill when we moved on her own. Also agree you feel guilty because you really know the answer. Do not mean to sound harsh. Just there are many of us who did the financial struggle out of love. Make sense?
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She’s your mom!!!!!
Pause and think about that.... Just for a moment if you have thoughts of guilt...... maybe there’s your answer!
I myself could never even think about charging my parent to care for them and my mother is a mean and nasty person me and my sister and we try to help out of love ......
But to each is own!! Every story is different..... but think about this
parents sacrifice so much taken care of us and didnt give us a bill?! At the end of our youth before leaving home.. some even takenon the high cost for college!!
I hope you find resolution!!

Do some research on all the options you may have for care for her while you work...
check out
CareLinx.com
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ABSOLUTELY DO NOT FEEL GUILTY!!!! Care giving is very stressful and you deserve every penny and probably even more. I take care of my elderly aunt.... with no help from her 52 other nieces and nephews!!!!! You are earning your angel wings right now!!! I will pray you through your guilt!
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I also have been caring for my father, With no help from my siblings. He does not pay me for the service and I have had him with me for three years. I am his power of attorney and we have a joint bank account. That is all he has in assets. He wants to give me more, in case he should have to go into a nursing home for one reason or another. I feel I should seek the advice of an attorney for this matter, and would advise you to do likewise. Hopefully this helps.
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Judysai422 Sep 2018
You should absolutely contact attorney. Having a joint bank account is a no no. It puts both of you at risk, legally. Ok to have POA on his bank account, but never comingle funds.
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Please don't feel guilty for a second! I didn't when I was paid to care for my parents after I retired until Mom had a stroke and they went to AL. Be thankful that your mother can afford to pay you. You have saved her from having to go to AL and are saving her money as opposed to the cost of AL. You're doing all this (including transport to & fro chemo, doctors, etc.) with no help or breaks from siblings (same here). I think you deserve more than $3000!
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anonymous444729 Sep 2018
Exactly. It is a full time job! I say, not only take a salary but also get help when you need it - sitters and caregivers so you can have a break.
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I'm with everyone else. It's fantastic that there's enough money for you to be paid for what we know is a difficult, exhausting, and emotionally painful job. I only wish we could all be paid for the work we do. AARP estimates that caregivers like us save the country about $500 billion a year, and as the number of Baby Boomers needing care is still growing, that number will only go up. Not only is the elderly population among the poorest in the US, their caregivers, when they're lucky enough to have them, are also very poor. I'm sure you deserve every penny you get. We all do.
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Yes, get a contract. However since you are paying yourself more than what the Medicare aides get which is minimum wage, you will probably have a spend down if you ever go the Medicaid route.
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anonymous444729 Sep 2018
just a thought. since I really don't know what a Medicare Aid is., I can only assume you mean an unlicensed caregiver ?
Im putting in 12 hour days which is 84 hours a week plus on call nights which usually means 4 times up for commode chair and oxygen etc. .
If I made minimum wage just for my day hours alone that would be over 672. a week. that comes to roughly 2,690 a month. 3 thousand a month to take care of someone 24/7 under the same roof is extremely reasonable.
Actually it is mostly advantageous for the person receiving the care
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Yes, it is okay that you be paid. You may want to look at creating the contract so that it shows cost for room and board of a certain amount of dollars ($1,250/month = $15,000/yr) and that the contract include a certain dollar amount as an annual gift to you. An annual gift can be made in an amount up to $15,000 per year and is not considered by the IRS as income for the recipient. However, your mother will need to show this on her tax return even though she is not taxed for it. An elder care or estate planning lawyer can help you devise the appropriate care contract. I don't know that one has to have a reason in writing for giving an annual gift to someone, but if so, some lovely sentiment will do.
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Judysai422 Sep 2018
Not sure you want mom to gift money in case you end up having to file for Medicaid...it might effect the five year look back. Check with an attorney.
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It seems absolutely fair and just to me. Tell the guilt monster in your head to take a hike! Here are a few other thoughts. What goes on between you and your mom is between the two of you. If your mom made this agreement, then that's fine. I would suggest that you make the agreement formal by putting it in writing. Ideally your mom should write it in her handwriting and explain her reasons for wanting to stay with you, what you do for her and how much she is paying you. Perhaps get it notarized. I say this because if the siblings find out about the payment, you may have a problem with them. You want it in writing now before your mom is no longer competent to make legal agreements. Do you have power of attorney and healthcare power of attorney? If not, get thee to a lawyer NOW. It would be best if the lawyer drew up the care/roommate agreement. You say she has the money, so there should be no problem paying a lawyer. A lawyer is always money well spent.
I have found that family members who are doing nothing are the first ones to complain about what the actual caregivers are doing. Protect yourself.
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jacobsonbob Sep 2018
A COMPETENT and HONEST lawyer is always money well spent.
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You really need a written contract that covers things like respite care. Please budget for respite care for yourself and your husband.
There is nothing wrong with being paid to care for your mother. I think family care contracts might reduce resentment among the siblings.
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Yes it is ok. But you need to see an elder law attorney to have a caregiver agreement prepared.

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/personal-care-agreements-compensate-family-caregivers-181562.htm
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Health insurance probably isn't a concern, as she has it from teaching (unless it was a private school).

I see NOTHING wrong with what you are doing. But if Medicaid will ever be a concern, then a caregiver contract with proper deductions taken out is a necessity.
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Toadhall Sep 2018
Oh yes. It is never wrong to document everything. That way when Medicaid comes along, you have a paper trail. Get it in writing and document everything.
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Ye's, it is ok. I hope you have a written contract with her just in case she needs Medicaid for a nursing home. Does your mother pay for your health insurance?
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