Can I tell my MIL no to smoking?

At my brother's assisted living facility there were quire a few smokers. They had an outdoor lounge outside the communal dining room. I would certainly discuss smoking cessation with my MIL, but no, I would not forbid her to smoke after a lifelong habit. As to it being "bad" for her after nearly a lifelong (I am guessing) habit, what real benefit is there in another year of life in an assisted living. In fact, when my bro and I years ago visited my Mom in her elder community he said "You know, if you told me that one cigarette would take a month of life off my span, I would start smoking today". We laughed, but honestly, talk about the "land of loss". One loss after another.
You are correct when you say it presents a risk. So does crossing the street. But I am loathe to rob an elder of yet one more thing. I recall when I quit smoking those many decades ago. I was so depressed I honestly wondered if life was worth living without that cigarette with my a.m. coffee. How much closer she must be to that very thought.

Where is her check going? as her guardian don’t you have control of it?

I doubt you would go to jail for neglect resulting from not buying her cigarettes. But, cold turkey could get you into trouble. You need a plan for successful withdrawal.

I have no legal knowledge but trying to see the wider picture here to understand.

Is the Guardianship because it was deemed your Mother required someone to make decisions for her? Including *financial* decisions? Including *lifestyle* decisions?

If so, then is her friend considered to be her Caregiver? Is the friend 'employed' as such? How does he currently pay for your Mother's expenses? Eg: groceries, rent, utilities? Does he pay upfront & invoice you (as Guardian) for reimbursement or do you (as Guardian) pay directly to the landlord, store & providers?

Seems the friend had been gifting her cigarettes, but enough is enough & his gift ran out. Fair enough.

Who & how are the groceries bought now?

Obviously it would be better not to be smoking.. But if the cigarettes go into the shopping basket with weekly shop... I would treat it like buying donuts. Wholegrain bread would be better.. sure, but you don't have that level of control.

Update: Let me clarify some things. She does not have the money to pay for the cigarettes. She was transitioned off of the cigarettes last year during a month long hospital stay. When she left the hospital, she ended up staying with her friend. He got her hooked back on her cigarettes (so he wouldn't have to smoke alone, he told me) and has been buying them for her for the past year. Now, he is saying that we have to pay out of our own pocket for her cigarettes because we are her guardians and he isn't going to pay for them anymore. Of course I am worried about her well-being. I wouldn't have fought for the last year+ to get guardianship of her if I wasn't concerned for her. But, she can't afford them. If I don't pay out of my own pocket for cigarettes (which I can't afford either. It's a matter of my kids eating or her smoking), could I be facing jail time? As lovely as it would be to only think of what would be nice, I have to be pragmatic here. I will be making phone calls to her insurance company and her doctor starting tomorrow. But for today, I am only concerned about whether not buying her cigarettes is within my legal rights, or whether I could face charges of neglect for not buying her cigarettes (which isn't changing anything, since we haven't ever bought them for her). I was thinking of her being an addict and facing nicotine withdrawals. According to the social security office, though, cigarettes are considered a luxury, even to addicts. We've been following their advice for the last year. But, do I have to pay out of my own pocket from mine and my kids' grocery budget to buy her cigarettes because she is an addict? Will nicotine withdrawal kill her like starvation and malnutrition could kill me and my kids? Will I go to jail if I don't buy her cigarettes and she goes into withdrawal?

I would not recommend cutting off an addict without a transition plan. You can discuss with her doctor what the alternatives are and find out whether they are feasible, e.g., will the friend apply a patch or will you need to hire a caregiver to do it. Most likely, transitioning her to alternative delivery systems and tapering down will probably work better once she moves to a facility.

Realistically, if she has funds to pay in the short term, you are probably better off keeping her supplied until you can transition her.

Nicotine withdrawal is not a pretty sight. When this happened with a family member, I observed decreased cognitive function, tremors, and a desperate desire for the cigarettes. Desperate people do desperate things.

If you decide to just cut her off, you should at least have a plan to use any resulting crisis to get her into an ER or police-to-psychiatric environment and then into the system for placement during spend down and on to Medicaid.

Now you have guardianship you are in charge of her and her money. Like said keep good records because the State will need a report.

As a guardian you are not responsible to give her any money. You stay within what she brings in monthly.

Medicaid will pay for her to be in Long term care. As her guardian you can have her placed.

Forcing someone to quit cold turkey is cruel.

Buy her cigarettes but, don't buy enough for all her friends.

What will you do if the friend decides that he isn't going to take care of her because she is going through withdrawals and is a bear to deal with? You will be responsible for her and if you can't get her into a facility pronto, what is your plan?

I wouldn't risk losing the best thing you have going for you because you now have the power. It could back fire and you will be so sorry that you now have to take care of her or it is neglect by a guardian and that is no joke.

It's a matter of $$$, not a matter of whether you have the right to tell your MIL she should or should not be smoking, which by the way is still legal. If a family member took guardianship over me and told me what I could or could not do, like smoke, or eat chocolate or whatever, I'd have a screaming fit he or she would not soon forget.

I don't think you should be worried about 'legal neglect' but about doing what's best for your MIL, and that's not leaving her high and dry with a raging nicotine addiction in force and no idea why she's feeling so poorly and can't have a smoke! Dementia is bad enough without taking away what may be one of her true comforts. If she is on board to quit, at least get her a nicotine patch or an e-cig or something to help ease the horrible withdrawal associated with quitting nicotine cold turkey.

People who love to say ABSOLUTELY NOT to buying an elder their drug of choice must never have had a bad habit themselves that they had a very hard time breaking. Otherwise, that sort of advice would not be handed out so flippantly.

I would imagine your MILs roommate keeps an eye on her to make sure she's using caution when smoking and isn't likely to burn their house down. If it were me, I'd have a chat with the roommate about it, and then buy her some cigarettes or other devices if she's agreeable to quitting.

Good luck.

If the friend doesn't mind her smoking in his house, why should you? Yes of course it's unhealthy, might be dangerous with her dementia, but there is probably little that she enjoys at this point, so why not just let her enjoy?
Smoking is a drug addiction, and with any addiction, it's not easy to quit "cold turkey." You may just create a monster if you take them away.

Now don't get me wrong, I have never smoked, and don't like anything about smoking, but I think there comes a point when we as caregivers have to pick our battles wisely. I'm just not sure this is one battle I would chose to fight at this time.

I would absolutely say NO to purchasing anything that is dangerous or bad for her.

Would you bring an alcoholic liquor? Of course not.

Just last week, a friend of mine who has her MIL living with her had a major fire (luckily in the backyard) at her house. MIL has to go outside to smoke and she simply 'forgot' she was smoking and dropped the cigarette on the lawn. She is a hoarder and my friend was still have panic attacks about what might have been--and what is very much a worry down the road.

Legally, I doubt there is a precedent for refusing to buy her cigarettes.

Yes you can refuse to purchase cigarettes.
Technically if you are responsible for her finances as well, and you do have to report to the court where her money is spent and on what to refuse to buy them is financially responsible.
Refusing to buy cigarettes in no way would be considered neglect.
If you have not yet started application for Medicaid begin now, if necessary the lawyer that handled the Guardianship can help.
If her “friend” wants to supply cigarettes that is up to him.