Can I tell my MIL no to smoking?

Dear Alazrielle,
I am writing from the perspective of the patient. I was diagnosed with Early Onset ALZ five years ago in June. I am a cigar smoker. I voluntarily surrendered my drivers license last August when our DMV opened for walkin service, but stopped driving on my own back in March of 2020.. I now have to ask my DW or adult children to drive me to buy Lottery tickets twice a month. I solved the issue of buying cigars and having them send me 30 at a time, which lasts me about 1.5 mos. If MIL can't handle ordering them from a tobacco supplier, I'd tell DH, he needs to step up to the plate and arrange a solution to the purchase issue. I understand and respect, the fact that you don't want to be her supplier.
Hopefully, their is some unthought of advice here.

Smoking is such a strong addiction. I brought my brother to the ER and he actually lit up in the ER. Geeeeeez, I asked him to put the cigarette out. There was a guy next to us with an oxygen tank. He says, “Well, let me take a few drags and then I will put it out.”

I had to tell him that I was going to leave if he didn’t put his cigarette out in the ER. I told him that he could smoke his brains out once we left the hospital. They knew to put a patch on him once he was admitted because he had such a severe nicotine addiction.

It’s not an easy habit to break.

We all have the right to make "poor decisions" and we all make them. Smoking may not be the best decision for her to be making at this point in her life but if she has smoked a good part of her life I would not take that from her.

I have worked with seniors who's family decided that they must quit smoking due to health reasons. The problem is that the senior had been smoking for over 50 years and the family decided they needed to stop, the senior did not want to.

I understand you are the guardian but you need to act in her best interest. Deal with the issues at hand. Try and arranges a smoking schedule for her so it is safe for her to smoke. Find someone else who will purchase them for her so you don't have to do this.

Many non-smokers will say that they want their parents to stop smoking because it is bad for their health. That is true but when I am working with a 90-year-old who has been smoking for over 50 years and the family wants them to stop because it is bad for their health and it could kill them - I just smile and say I don't think that is a reasonable argument at this point in their life.

Try to honor the wishes of your mother-in-law even though it is not what you would want for yourself. Put yourself in her shoes and then make the best decision you can.

Of course it's bad for her, but if she's been smoking for the last 50-60 years - it's hard to stop. It's a strong as people who can't stop eating all the wrong food. I've noticed that some obese people can be very outspoken and critical of people who smoke (killing themselves) when they are doing the very same thing with food. Everyone has their own pacifier. And some smokers will tell you they have no desire to stop - at all.

Since you are the guardian, I am assuming that means you took control of her money - out of his hand and in to yours. So that means he is correct that you should be buying what she needs. They live together and should be sharing the expenses and especially those that are only for her. It is kind of a neglect if you control the money and the both lived on the money previously.

How much did she smoke? 1/2 pack a day, a pack?? Go ahead and send the money but be specific that the cigarettes need to be doled out over xx period of time. And suggest he make her smoke outside now so she doesn't forget about having one burning in the house.

If she can't afford nursing home on her SSA money, apply for Medicaid to get into a nursing home bed. A doctor would have to say she needs round the clock facility care, so if she's not at that stage yet - she may stay put where she is for a while longer. In most states, Medicaid is not going to pay for assisted living or independent living - it's going to be NH or nothing. Check your state - Medicaid office can answer that question.

Just wanted to add...if she is living with a smoker, it will be very stressful to stop. She will borrow, take butts out of ashtray, anything. It's too much to ask. Either get help for both of them, or just wait until her next hospitalization. In the meantime...help them install smoke detectors everywhere, and no smoking in bed, watch for flammable fabrics, maybe restrict to a smoking area outdoors if they will agree but it has to be both of them or it will be too much to ask.

Thought I would read comments first and frankly I am absolutely amazed by some of the answers.

Sure the MIL has the "right" to smoke. It does not mean the SIL should pay for the cigarettes. Sounds like the family already cannot afford a senior living situation, so probably dont have a lot of money around for cigs.

The DIL has no obligation to the MIL or he living companion to buy cigs. If it was me I would say no.

I know there are comments about not knowing what its like to have an addiction. That does not mean DIL, out of her own finances, should buy cigs.

TWO THINGS: One, he is trying to manipulate you by telling you he will not buy them for her. He wants you to send MONEY, not cigarettes. Where is her money going? The social security or other funds she receives? You could give them a set amount to help with her expenses, and make sure you say exactly what it is for. Rent/food/personal supplies. Document it. IF they choose to use it for cigarettes, that is their right, and it might help her get into a medicaid funded nursing home more quickly.
The second thing. My mom lived with us the last 3 years of her life. She was a smoker, and an alcoholic. We said NO SMOKING AT ALL in our house--she could go outside to the patio to smoke if she wanted to. BUT we did forbid drinking. She was homeless due to her alcoholism, and injury from when she fell down the stairs, and her debts she had racked up. She tried to apply for disability, but couldn't jump through the right hoops until she was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. When my son was born 3 months before she was diagnosed, I told her she had to really limit the smoking and couldn't smoke and then go pick him up--she'd have to wash her hands and mouth because I didn't want nicotine kisses on my baby. I was young and insensitive. I regret it now. I could have handled it much better. In fact, I wish I hadn't tried to limit her even, and let her make adult decisions. I was trying to help her, but I know it wounded her. Addictions are HARD. As I'm now 57, and have struggled with weight all my life, due to my food addictions, I have realized it is the same demons.....just different ways to express them. Have some grace. Obviously you shouldn't use your money--but don't try "saving her money" to get her into AL.....Just let her spend her money for her care and keeping and apply for medicaid.

I had a husband who smoked and we fought constantly. I know it was killing him but he kept smoking. When he was dying of pancreatic cancer, he wanted to smoke. No matter what he said or did, I did NOT give him cigarettes. I would have felt horrible - that I was adding to the suffering. I could not and would not do it. My advice is if it is causing harm that you do NOT, no matter what, provide any means of smoking. Don't do it.

While it wasn't clarified in the original posting, OP did provide more information in a comment.

For those newly coming here, the issue is not whether or not to ban smoking, but whether OP would get in trouble if she refuses to spend HER OWN money to buy butts for her MIL. The answer to that should be no, she isn't required, as guardian, to spend her own money on MIL's needs. She is to oversee MIL's income and bills. It would be best to get her off the butts, however that isn't likely to happen in the current living arrangement.

We also don't have any knowledge on how much income MIL has (if profile is MIL, not mother, she is rather young AND on disability, which means her income would likely be very limited.) We also don't know how OP is using any funds MIL gets. Since MIL is currently living with a "friend", we can only assume her small income is being paid to this "friend" for housing, care and food.

Also noted in that comment, MIL had been weaned OFF of butts and was subsidized and enabled by this "friend" to return to smoking, so he'd have a smoking buddy. Either he manages the funds provided for her housing, food and care, and buys them, or he continues to subsidize and enable IMO. She didn't NEED them until he got her back on them. OP should NOT be spending her own money on buying butts for MIL and he should not be demanding that she do so.
(NOTE: non-family guardians, 3rd party, can be appointed by judges. THEY would not be using their own money to subsidize a client. The same would apply to ANYONE who is guardian, family or not. Same with POA - it enables you to manage finances and medical, but does NOT require you to spend your own money on the person nor does it require you to take the person into your home! People can appoint anyone, sometimes their atty - you think that atty is going to pay the person's way or take them in? Not happening!)

This living arrangement was to continue until they can get her in a facility, which could take a while. It would be best to find another place, where there are no smokers, and get her off the butts ASAP, because if she needs MC or NH, she will have to stop smoking anyway.

Imho, do not enable her addiction to nicotine.

It would probably be bad for her to quit cold turkey.
She smokes and it should be her choice. But the purchase of the cigarettes should come from her disability checks.
You are going to be placing her in a home and they will probably allow her to smoke outside.
So, even tho you don't smoke and smoking isn't good for her, I would say if you're managing her money and she can afford cigarettes with her disability checks then she should be allowed to continue to smoke.

I guess I am confused as to which money we are talking about. I understand the DIL is a guardian, and as such, if the MIL has funds which the DIL is managing, and there is enough money available. I dont have a problem with DIL using that money for cigs.

But the way I understood the question, the DIL wanted to know if she should use her OWN money (not the MIL money she manages) to buy cigs. If that is the case, no way. But perhaps I understood the question incorrectly.

Does anyone really think the DIL should use her OWN money, not the money she manages, but her OWN money, to buy cigs for MIL?