I cant afford to stay home with Mom. Can I take a salary from the house we sold?

Your mother should see a divorce ("family" or "matrimonial" law) attorney to determine whether there would be any asset sharing as a result of the divorce. Your father may also be entitled to 1/2 the proceeds of the house after it's sold.

You'll need an accurate assessment of what your mother will get during the divorce before you can make plans for her care from those proceeds alone.

I wouldn't rush into anything. Don't you think that he will be back? Not, that I would let him come back. Will he sign over the house?

Yes. Your mom can pay you want she wants. But, the problem arrises if she needs Medicaid in the next 5 years.

Hopefully, she has his retirement and Social Security.

I do agreed with GA, but would you like to wait a little longer(3 or 4 more month).. Maybe your Father might come back? 80 years old man crashed on another woman, may not workout well ether.

I agree with GardenArtist.

Is the house is in your Dad's name or both their names, he will need to sign a Quit Claim Deed, that an attorney prepares, to give your Mom sole title to the house. Hopefully you are still in contact with your Dad.

Does the house have a mortgage, reversed mortgage, or equity line of credit? Any liens on the property? Those amounts will be deducted from proceeds. And repairs might be needed to make the house more sellable unless the house is fairly new or has been already updated, such as a new roof. Then there will be the Realtor fees for selling, if you plan to use a Realtor.

Plus, when did your parents buy the house and what is it worth today, if your parents made a huge profit on the house, there might be IRS long term capital gains which would be taxable, after the allowed IRS deductible.

To answer your question "Do people take a salary to be the caregiver for a family member"?.... from what I have read on these forums, most grown children/relatives aren't given a salary. If you do take a salary, you will need to pay quarterly estimated taxes to the IRS.

I know, why does it have to be so darn complicated :(

PING!

My second post disappeared. Hmmm...???

Points on waiting to proceed to divorce are well taken. My concern was asset preservation. If the father took up with someone else, he may in his own mind see this as a permanent situation (whether the other person does or not), and may think it's time to shift assets to his "new life." Some of these assets may be ones to which his existing wife may be entitled to half.

Perhaps I was jumping ahead too quickly but I could just see this situation evolving to the point that the marital assets were depleted or hidden and mother would be disadvantaged financially.

Mom needs a Divorce Attorney, NOW. What her husband did is pure abandonment and the request for you to sell the house was verbal and not useful for an actual sale.

Yes, many children do get a salary for caring for their parents. This is perfectly acceptable to Medicaid if there is a personal care agreement in place and if the amount is within the range that an agency would charge in the area. You would be treated as an employee and pay taxes just like taxes are withheld from a paycheck. It would be good to have an attorney specializing in Elder Law help you with this agreement, and perhaps an accountant help you set up the taxes appropriately.

Stopping your work history or getting paid "under the table" can have adverse effects on your own future. Maintaining an employed status and paying in to social security can be really important. More adult children caregivers should consider this.

Also make sure there is money set aside (assuming the house sale results in funds to set aside) for regular respite care. You need to get away a few weekends each month, and longer stretches each quarter. You may need funds for adult day health programs. No one can do 24/7/365 caregiving and retain sanity. Ask the lawyer how to arrange this, too.

The other option is to use the money to hire caregivers or to place Mom in an appropriate level care center, and for you to continue to work in your field.

Charging a parent has absolutely nothing to do with your level of love and commitment. It is just a reflection of the realities of life.

BTW, even if Dad has a change of heart and comes back into the picture, I doubt that he is going to be a suitable caregiver for a person with dementia. So do go ahead with planning for Mom's care.

The fact that he wants the house sold to meet her needs would indicate that he is not totally without decent scruples, so let us hope he cooperates fully when contacted by a lawyer to resolve the details about splitting assets. But don't leave it as just his word.

Further thoughts after reading the latest posts....

Father will have to sign the listing for the house as well as the Warranty Deed if/when it sells. If he's "taken off" for parts unknown, that will be difficult.

Even if things change, best to get started on at least that issue. And try to keep track of wherever he is.

If he were to return, would your mother really want him back, knowing that this could happen again? At her age, that's a lot to take from a husband.

I agree with Pam above, about obtaining a divorce attorney now. Since the husband ran off with another woman, he might feel guilty and want closure as quickly as possible to start his new life, that he will give your Mom just about everything. I speak from experience :)

If the house has a high value and thus high capital gains (in excess of $250,000) don't be too quick to have dad sign a quit claim deed. The capital gains tax exclusion is $250,000 per person in most cases, assuming that the ownership and use criteria are met, so having two co-owners is likely to reduce the tax due on the sale.

That's a good point, akadaughter about the $500,000 exclusion, just as long as PattiD's father still will give his spare of the profit over to his wife.... I wouldn't want to see the new girlfriend convincing Patti's father to keep his share when it's time to go to closing on the house. [I've been watching too many Lifetime movies]