Follow
Share

I am reading all these lovely stories & how everyone loves their parent & still it's so hard to live in a house with someone who only thinks of himself & treats me like the house maid & is hinting I need to get a job as well. Some days I cannot stand to be in the house with the t.v. blasting with extreme violence, it's a small house, so there is nowhere for me to "get away"(I have tried headphones, hearing aids for him, earplugs for me), it just gets on my last nerve & my dad is not even that bad yet so I wonder how will I manage when he gets worse. I just don't think I can do this and I feel like I am letting him down if I can't. he has always been there for me and I know I owe it to him, but I feel like he could compromise more to help me. he is still in his right mind and honestly has always been self-centered as far as expecting things to be his way. If there is something he doesn't want to do, he says " not interested", for example maybe going to see a grandchild's game or visit an old friend. I tell him maybe that's why no one comes to visit and then I feel mean for speaking the truth. I think I am just venting, but I really, really don't know if I can do this! Thanks for listening.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
terry, great idea to get your hip done! I think that is your first priority. It should help things fall in line. Your sister is very wise. You'll have to make sure she has plenty of respite, since you know how your father is. Thumbs up to your sister.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

In my opinion, when we become caregivers, we become the boss. A benevolent dictator. You aren't his slave -- you're a kind daughter who's offering to help. Where guilt is concerned, you become the Teflon. Ha! If the TV's too loud, go to Radio Shack and buy your dad an amplifier he can wear like a headset. Solve each of your problems that way. "What do I need to be okay with (whatever)?" And get it done if you can.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Terry, people make their own beds. Take care of yourself first. Then talk with your siblings about what care dad needs. Not from you.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

All good advice, thanks. jessiebell, 3 or 4 years to get over the anger? Yikes! I just feel so guilty if I don't do this. His behavior has been much the same for the past ten years, expects to be "catered on" is what my daughter says. He ca SG in do some things for himself some days now, but mostly doesn't. He used to go to my sisters for 6 6 weeks in the summer and at Christmas and drive her crazy although he wasn't sick then, just old. He won't go in assisted living. I am going back home for 2weeks and my sister says I should just get my hip done and not be able to come back so he will be forced to come live with her for a bit, but I feel terrible about that too.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Terry, YOU don't have to do this. Your father needs care. There is no law that says that an adult child has to uproot themselves and move in to care. Arrange care. Does your dad have assets? That's what they are there for. He needs AL or a SNF, not a daughter in need of surgery. Take care of yourself--your own oxygen mask first, as we like to say on this board.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

terry, your father and my mother would make quite the pair. He sounds like the male version of her. I've been with my mother for over 4.5 years now. I don't think there is any cure for the behavior. The logic is that they are old and this is their house and they are going to be comfortable. So TV is set to max volume watching reruns from the 1970-80s all day long. Trash is left where it falls. I clean things for my own mental well-being. Much of what I do is for that reason. If you decide to stay with your father, things will probably get easier with time. It took me 3 or 4 years to get past feelings of absolute anger at the situation.

It sounds like there are two main things you need to tackle -- dealing with your pain and making some money. Maybe being with your father for a while will give you the opportunity to take care of these two things. Do you still have insurance for the operation on your hip? I have a feeling you would be more employable if you didn't have pain. That may be a good place to start.

I know you were just venting, so I won't go into to offering a lot of advice beyond dealing with the pain. I know sometimes we just need to vent the feelings that are in us.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I would like a job and to move out pamstegman but the doctor says he can't live alone and he wouldn't respect me because then who would wait on him? I would just be expected to do all of this on top of a job, which I know many of you do, so I realize I'm lucky there as well. It may come to hw will have to GI to Oregon because I can't walk very well anymore. I was trying to honor his wishes of wanting to stay in Arizona as well and on a plus note my kids and grandson are here. I guess I didn't expect to be doing this and feel like I'm always doing for someone else(prior to this I helped take care of my sisters kids every week , along with my full time job, on almost all my free time for three years) so I am resentful and then feel bad for that. It's a vicious circle.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Thanks all. I am almost 50, have an apartment on the Oregon coast, kids grown, was about to have my hip replaced when my daughter called and said I needed to come to dads right away.. They found weeks of dishes piled up, trash everywhere, etc. Two days after I got here he went in the hospital for pneumonia and they also found spots on his lungs. Then we got him home, he's on oxygen 24/7, all kinds of meds, inhalers and such. At first I did everything, so now he's used to that even though home health told him he needs to do more for himself. Then he had a fall, not drinking enough fluids, BP too low, then almost fainted, same thing, went in hospital for 24 hours. Some days he makes his own breakfast, but leaves it for me to clean up. Its something anyway. I don't have a job because my employer forced me to quit because I would need surgery during the busy season and its a tiny company and I am having a lot of trouble walking, which is not helping because I never get to completely rest my hip. It took me two years to get insurance to get the hip done and now all that's on hold. My sister can't help as she has six kids and dad doesn't want to travel to Oregon to stay with her. I may have to force his hand. A friend of his is staying with him for two weeks so I can go pack my house and move in with him but as that gets closer I really don't want to. I know I should be grateful for my dad still being here but it's not like he us a joy to be with, just expects to be waited on. Sorry this is too long.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Get a job and save to move out. Save your sanity first. He will respect you for that, even if he does not admit it.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Your profile just mentions general age related decline, but most people don't need a full-time caregiver for that. Does he have other impairments? What kind of help does he need?

Why are you living with him? How long has this been the case? Is it your house or his? Why don't you have a job?

I hope none of this sounds accusatory or too nosy. It just really helps us be more specific if we have the full picture.

(And for all the lovely stories about how we love our parents, there are plenty on here about how we struggle to care for them or to protect ourselves from their sometimes toxic natures. We don't have any standard of "ideal situations" that we hold people up to!)
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

You do need to decide what is best for you. At this point if he is in his right mind and the Dr says hes ok to live alone, move out asap. If you cant handle it now, it may get worse if his health gets worse, what would you do then? Meanwhile, yes, look for caregivers or facilities that can take him in. Like Garden Artist mentioned what is wrong with him?
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Whoops - that first sentence sounded kind of abrupt; that wasn't my intention.

You don't have to stay with him all day and tolerate his abuse, especially if he won't cooperate with you.

It would help to know more about your own personal situation before you began taking care of your father, and what his medical conditions are.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

You would let him down only if you didn't find care for him, whether it's from you or in a facility.

Were you living with your father before he became ill?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.