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The last time my sister had Mom for an extended they were in a terrible automobile accident. Both were badly injured, Mom was bruised from head to toe, but the worst and ongoing injury was that 97 year old Mom has a fractured neck. She is no longer able to hold her head up without support and she has pain everyday.


At the time of the accident, Sis and Mom were taken to the same trauma center. Mom was released the next day with "no injuries" except bruising. After having her back home for one night of uncontrollable pain and completely unable to move or be moved, I called 911 and took mother to a hospital near me. My sister was in a different hospital for more than two weeks.


I was told it was another driver was at fault. I knew my mom was going to need my full attention so I called an attorney to Handel all of the insurance stuff and to get me a copy of the accident report since my family was t forth coming about giving me the info to get the report myself.


Meanwhile at the new hospital a fractured neck is discovered. Mom is kept overnight an moved to a rehab center for the next two weeks. Mom is in pain, she is not a candidate for surgery, she has a huge hematoma across her abdomen from the seatbelt and is terrified and confused. I did not leave her the entire time she was at the facility except to run home , shower and put clean clothes. My husband stayed with her so I could do that.


So my attorney gets the accident report at clearly my sister was at fault. Accidents happen, I know that but the lying after was and still is the problem. I can't talk to my sister because she is a mess in another hospital. My attorney was concerned at first that if my sister didn't have enough liability insurance we would be able to cover Mom's bills. Fortunately because Mom lives with us, we could file under our Undersured Moterist portion of our policy. So we did that to make sure Mom couple get everything she needed. Then we found out that my sister had enough coverage to take care of Mom's bills and provide for the continued care she was going to need for the rest of her life. Yes Mom is 97 but is in good health otherwise and was extremely active everyday right up to the accident.


So Mom is released two weeks later to come home with me where I have a comfy hospital bed set up in the living room.. it's a large bright room with 5 windows so she can see the sunshine, announce the mail arrival and see if anyone is coming to visit her, there are 2 loveseats for visitors, a large TV, a large porch right outside, a view back into the dining room so she still feels like she is part of everything. I have all of the hospital equipment she will need and it's beautiful. She's happy, safe and well cared for. Her doctor did call in Hospice so we have a flurry of nurses,aids, chaplains and social workers almost daily. I've opened my home to friends and family to visit Mom anytime except not Mondays and Thursdays because those are the main Hospice care days and I did ask to please call before coming. The reaction from my family has been rediculous. They have reported to Department of Human Services that Mom has been isolated and no one was able to see her to check on her. So I got a surprise visit from a county Deputy who said everything was fine here and then a social worker from the Division of aging who spent more than two hours here and also said everything was fine. Mom even joked with the lady. Buy the way this is not the only trick/lie perpatrated by my family during this period since the accident. Not enough time for everything.
Now I REALLY don't trust my family! I have spent 5 months of 24/7 working with Mom to get her to a place where she can get out a little with extra care, transport chair, etc. They think because she looks better that she is the same as before. So not the case.


I don't want to let them take her because she is SO fragile. However if I have to can I make a contract that they have to sign before taking her out, stating when they plan to bring her back? Also stating that she cannot sign anything when with them. She shouldn't because her dementia is much more that it was, she is almost completely blind and deaf. I'm her POA and HCPOA. I KNOW THEY LOVE HER but they have not spent any extended time with her to see how much her needs have changed. I'm beside myself. I don't know what to do. Any suggestions ?

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Oh and I can have a legal document drawn up, something similar to a custody agreement. I would give them specific days and times they could come each week. I was told that they may feel better know they have a set visit to look forward too. Well see. I hope it doesn't come down to that.
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Thank you all for your comments and thoughts. I needed some validation that I'm not trying to a "Heinous controlling" person. That's their nick name for me. To me the situation has become ridiculous, with name calling and snippy comments from them. I never return fire even when I really want to because I see it as fuel to a fire.
Anyway, I did get my sister, sister in law and I think my brother to come to a family meeting at HOSPICE. We will have mom's nurse supervisor and her social worker there to talk about her condition. They told me to bring a list of questions about the problems I'm having with mom's care and anything that effects her care.
As a side note my hubby and I found a runaway dog at our house the other night about 10:00 and we immediately took her to the emergency vet to be scanned for a microchip. I figured someone was frantically looking for their baby. Turned out the owner had already called and we were able to get her home safely and quickly. Well the lady who has the dog turns out to be a Family Law Attorney and deals with this sort of crazy family stuff all the time. She is home on leave because she just had a baby about a month ago. She said she would go with me to the meeting just as a friend from the neighborhood. I do believe in God and I then he is truly guiding me and putting other people in my path to help me in my quest to make however much time she has left on this Earth, joyful, beautiful and filled with love.
I hope my family will listen to the Hospice people. They won't listen to me but perhaps professionals who do this for a living will have enough authority for them to hear.
Looking up over here. My glass is half full today.
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I hate to state this but I agree with the other posters to your question: though I'm not a fan of divisive family moments; in your mother's case, I can't see how having them sign anything will change the results of what could happen next. If they're going to resent you for anything, it might as well be for what's best for her. After all, being in a car accident and not even claiming responsibility for that (accidents happen; lying to family about it isn't accidental), the last thing I would recommend is allowing an extended trip and they decide not tell you where she is or return her to your care because they decide that you're the barrier they need to break to see Mom (there's enough shows that show that kind of scenario playing out, and there is no reason why you need to have anyone else show up because of family and their "claims" of isolation.

You're clearly not isolating your family (a very delicate balance, and great job), but it may help your family to understand why Mondays and Thursdays don't work. 

Sometimes having it down in writing for their reference is a way to help them be "involved" in her care without the itch to keep trying to take her out of your care: you're the POA for a reason.

 If your contract states exactly what does happen in your house: ie: no taking her out during "hospice hours" so they can do their work with your Mom without interruption, that should give the rest of your family reason not to choose those days unless absolutely necessary. Also should be included a seven day block of time for days they can choose visitation, even on the same days.  Five days left should give everyone sufficient time to visit; but the moving around from place to place is on a regular basis must cease. 

If a parent is in pain, we concede to the parent, and if she's in pain, no one who loves her will move her just because....that's not loving. Even if my own parents told me that they were "fine", I'd still go out of my way to visit them where they are; just like my siblings do- the inconvenience falls to us.

If she wasn't on hospice, I'd be for a different type of discussion but hospice should never indicate to family that she should be moved - anything can happen away from the quality of care she needs, despite our best, so if you explain that to family, they MAY be open to that rationale.
Your situation is a tough one, but I hope it works out in the interest of your Mom. I'm not a fan that they lied to you as her POA, but family sometimes works that way.

If she is on hospice, then there is no way she should leave your house.
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I’m going to see about a getting a written order from mom’s doctor that states it is not in mom’s best interest to move her around. Just crossing the room and looking at things from a different angle confuses her. Going with them in a car full of their own confusion and rethoric would not be good for Mom. Mom panicks when she can’t see me fro more than a few seconds. She is too sweet and does not deserve to be bounced around because it suits someone else’s agenda! I feel strong right now. Thanks for the input. I wish I had found this site months ago.
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I agree, if Mom is on Hospice, and you have a beautiful set up, where friends and family can come to see Her, there is No Reason why Anyone should be taking her out of the house! 

My husband and I have only just finished the long and sorrowful journey of having my husband's Dad in our home and on Hospice.  He passed away just one month ago in our home, so I know the struggles you are dealing with,  just having the Hospice team coming and going so many times during the week!  Add in Visitors, and it's a revolving door. You have every right to keep her home and in her safe and secure premises, and nobody can tell you any different!  You can try to be understanding,  but say that she is no longer capable,  and it's against medical advice,  that's all! 

Rather than an attorney or Contract, I would have the Hospice Dr, Director or her Head Nurse write out a Statement that your Mom should not leave your home, as it would be AGAINST MEDICAL ADVICE, and DETRIMENTAL TO HER HEALTH to Do So! She Is too Fragile, and probably Too Far Advanced in her diagnosis of Dementia, to leave her residence. That should be sufficient documentation to limit her ever leaving your home, unless it is with You her POA and PRIMARY CAREGIVER, or under advice of the Hospice Team. I'm guessing that you do not take her out much, and have made Every Attempt to make her dwelling as lovely and Visitor Friendly as Possible! You still should however, allow them access to their Mom, with Visiting hours at Your Discretion!

There are Many ways in which they can still show her their Love for her, by visiting regularly, bringing her gifts, flowers cards and treats, Lunch or Dinner, and just show her their Love and Support. You don't nessissarily need to watch their every move or monitor them, allow them free access right in her living area, and let them enjoy her to the best of her ability too! She is their Mom too, and they should be able to spend time with her also. Just be sure to Lock Up Any Medications and her cash and items of value (and yours), so that there is no worry of them "accidently leaving your home"!

Don't allow your family to Bully you Into thinking that she is safe and secure or even happy, going out of the comfort of her home in her condition, as it is not true, and is only feeding their heed for control, for what ever reason. It probably would make her very distressed to leave or to be without you Anyways! 

It's so sad that they feel they know more than what You, her Personal Caregiver actually Does Know what is best for her at this stage of her life! Yes, accidents do happen, and old people and Children in the back seat of your car can be a Huge Distraction, especially if they are experiencing any level of discomfort, stress or anxiety, and we all know how stressful it is for someone with Advanced Dementia, and Especially someone who is in Pain!

No, Never let her out of you sight, as you Are her POA, and she gave you those very powers for a reason, as you know what is Best for her!

You are on the right path, and are doing such a great job in caring for your Mom! Good Luck and God Bless!
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This is nuts. Who wants to take her, why and where!? She's on hospice!? If anyone in your family tries to move her I'd call the cops.
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I agree, best thing is to keep her at your house. They can visit.
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Another thought on the contract - you'd want her back safely, in the same condition she was when she left. How would you establish that? Prove it? It could be a subjective issue, w/o standards for determining how well she was before she left.
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Sure, you could have an attorney draft an air-tight contract, but (a) how will you enforce it, and (b) what would be the remedies for breach? If there's another accident, and as HugeMom suggests, your mother would return worse than she was before she left, why even consider allowing her to leave. Not to mention that she might develop anxiety over what happened the last time.

I think the right course of action is to keep your mother right where she is, as long as you can handle and afford it, and let others come to visit her in your home. And be there to monitor their visits.

If you wanted to avoid future retaliatory action by the siblings, install a hidden camera and record the visits.
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From what you’ve written about this situation. I can almost guarantee that Mom will return in much worse condition than she left. And this time, she might not be able to bounce back. If Mom is in such pain and fragile, she should not be taken out by people who don’t know how to care for her and won’t face facts that she needs special care because they think she’s good as new, so to speak. Why does the family feel they need to take her away? Have the rest of the family visit her in your home. Have someone else there so you wouldn’t be accused of saying or doing something you didn’t say or do. Protect Mom. Unless you make them sign something that was reviewed by an attorney, having these people sign something won’t hold water.
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Send Mom with a paid caregiver to visit sister?
Why, exactly, is Mom going with Sister at all?
If "they" are trying to take Mom, if there is an adversarial relationship, and if they cannot properly care for her in her condition, then why?
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