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Im considering more and more just...MOVING. Not telling my dad, just up and doing it and telling him once its done. I feel so stuck in a rut because of him wanting me to be here and needing me to help with small things. It was never my plan to live in this town this long. Any time I broach the subject he gets so sad. He doesnt tell me I cant do it but the guilt eats at me so that I dont. Im just to the point that I want to disappear. I know thats wrong. But its not my fault he has no one else and makes no attempts at having things to do especially when he is physically and mentally capable. This is really just a rant. or wishful thinking. I just wish I could start my life.

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I just read your back posts. This has been going on for 2 1/2 yrs. I think you have paid Dad back. You do not owe him your life because he helped you when u needed it. As Judge Judy says "thats what parents do".

You had some very good replies on your last two posts. I don't know how much more we can say. If you have a chance to move, do it. Maybe then Dad will be forced to do something. You should have told him back when, I am not your wife, I am your daughter with a family of my own. Invite him to dinner once a week. To your kids games, school stuff, birthdays, and holidays. He is a part of your family not your family. He needs to realize ur family comes first. Thats how it works. You raise your kids then u let them go to have lives of their own hoping u will play a part in it.

When there was a threat of my DHs plant closing, we had talked about transferring south. My husband wanted to keep his retirement years. When I told my parents, my Dad looked mad. He if all people, being a blue collared worker should have understood this. I would have gone where my DH thought was best for him. I hadva brother hear who was married. If Dad had needed anything, his son was close by. You dovwhat is right for your family. Dad can do for himself.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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I was so glad my Dad went before my Mom. Mom did everything for him right down to running his bath water to putting out his clothes. I would not have done it and nor do I do it for my DH. Our parents do us no favors when they have spoiled the one who remains.

Your Dad is young enough to have his own life and allow you yours. You need to set Boundries. I think once people get older they forget what it was like to have to go to work everyday and then come home and take care of a home and family. Sit down at the table with him across from you and say "Dad, I can't go on like this. I cannot be your everything. I have a job, I have a life. Yes, you are part of my life but not my whole life. You need to move forward. If your lonely, move to an independent where you can dine with others. Have activities, have bus trips, make friends. I cannot be your friend."

No, it's not going to be easy. Yes he is going to be sad but he will get over it.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Your profile says that your dad lives in independent living. If that is the case there are lots of other folks his age as well living there as well, so the fact that he chooses to not interact with them is on him, not you. And why should he have to interact with others when he has you, who is continuing to be at his beck and call? Your dad seems to be in good health, so I'm not really sure what is keeping you there. Is it guilt really??? Or is it something more than that, like fear of starting over somewhere new?
We all only get one shot at this life, and it's up to us to make the most of it, so I believe it's high time you get off your butt and start living and enjoying your life, and quit blaming the reasons you can't on your dad.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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Runlittlewolf Jul 1, 2021
Oh no i wish he was in independent living!!! I meant he lives independently. He will not consider independent living so he could he have a social life. 😞
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In Jan 2020 you wrote that you took a job out of town and that you planned to move with your family.

What happened to those plans?

Do you have any siblings?
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Reply to CTTN55
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It seems your Father has become emotionally dependant on you.

This can feel absolutely suffocating. While some people do indeed move far away to break free, maybe you want a less drastic step. A more 'detactch with love' approach.

He may be dealing with grief, anxiety, depression (or other) & benefit from seeking & receiving support for this, to build his coping skills & build a new life as a widower. Does he have an empathetic Doctor to start some conversations?

You can't of course force him to seek help 😞

You can consider starting to set boundaries with him instead. You do have control over that. You don't have to spell them out to him. It's more a mental shift that will start the process of separating out your lives.

The aim would be to enjoy any time spent together, but also to be free, as individual adults to enjoy your own individual lives.

Start small in whatever way suits you. Be busier. Tell him you will be out clubbing til 3am & unless he wants to join you, he will need to do without you.
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Reply to Beatty
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Dear Wolf.

This isn’t about being ‘right or wrong’ so scrap that way of thinking. This is about desiring to live our your life in a way that is best suited for you.

You say that your father is doing well physically and other than missing your mom, he’s doing okay mentally too. Grieving is real and everyone deals with it in their own way. When did your mom die? Do you have GriefShare in your area? He can express his feelings of grief with others who are also grieving. Look in your community for this or another grief support group. Offer to attend a meeting with him.

Nevertheless, you have a right to live wherever you choose to. I would tell your dad that you are moving after you have made all of the arrangements.

If you are serious about moving, and I think that you should, if your heart isn’t in the place where you are living now, then start working on a plan. You will start to feel some relief.

Look, we have all tired of our caregiving. We have all wanted to run away at times. My caregiver days ended awhile back. I miss my parents but I am glad that they are no longer suffering and are reunited with each other in the afterlife.

Best wishes to you and your family.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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