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Hi all. I’m severely conflicted. I’ve been estranged from my mom but not my brother. She’s in hospice care and says she wants to die at home. My brother is a high functioning autistic man with mild cerebral palsy. I know for a fact he can’t handle the burden of her death if I’m not there. I’m the only income at their home currently because the SSI covers their basics. He’s with her 24/7 and quite frankly, she’s dying quite soon as she’s showing all the signs. I will be sad but not the same as one who’s actually kept a non toxic relationship with those good parents. I want her to pass in the hospital while being monitored at all times. Is that the right thing to do so my brother doesn’t have to bear the burden of finding her dead?

Our hospice has a homey facility to which they take people who are actively dying who don't want to be at the NH or MC or house where they live. At the point when people transfer, they are really unaware of the move. The facility is very homelike and has someone there 24/7 to be with the family and administer meds. You might want to see if your hospice provider has something similar - I also would not want to die in a hospital.
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Reply to surprise
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Ashstraz84,
How is your Mom doing? Did your Mom go into the hospital or is she still at home? Thinking about you and your brother. Take care.
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Reply to DeeAnna
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The conflict is immense. I can’t imagine how hard this would be for your brother, both at the time it happens and in his future in dealing with it. Is there any way he could stay somewhere else for the time being until it’s all over or would that be too difficult on his routine?
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Hospice is not a 24/7 thing. Someone will need to be with Mom at all times. She will have an aide and an RN who will check in. RN is on call when not there. It is really up to family to provide care or hire when Hospice is not present. I don't feel that responsibility should be ur brothers alone.

Off topic here. Does your brother receive SSI? If so then he has Medicaid. My nephew was just approved to be in a NJ State program for the disabled. One of the criteria was CP which he has on the left side. We are now waiting for a voucher for an apt. There are other services they provide. I know this is not something you will pursue now, but just a thought if he isn't in somekind of program.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Can you afford to employ a 24/7 caregiver to be with her at home? If that is an impossibility then I wouldn't do it. Not everyone dies a quiet "hollywood" death, I think it would be asking too much of your brother to expect him to manage quite likely all alone. I've read too many posts from people who had to do this without adequate supports (remember hospice is not really offering anything more than a quick visit from a nurse and a phone number) and they have suffered with long lasting trauma.
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Reply to cwillie
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Have you talked with hospice nurse about your Mom's wishes and your concerns for your brother? Maybe they might have some suggestions.
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Reply to DeeAnna
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I am sorry for your troubles. If your mother's final dying wish is to die at home, I would personally do everything I could to fulfill that wish. Sending her to the hospital would be taking something away from her that is out of her control. If she is already with hospice, I don't see how monitoring her in a hospital setting is necessary.

I'm not too familiar with conditions that your brother is in and it's hard to know how anyone will react around death, but it sounds like he is capable of understanding what is going on. Is there any way for you to be with them until she passes? Or possibly other family members or friends who would be willing to be there for your mom and brother?
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Reply to Caregiverology
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