I am 43, female and only child to my mother. I am fighting breast cancer. I work full time, remote. No, PCA paid or state awarded can handle my mother who is 76. They keep quoting because of her abusive behaviors. She has MS, in a wheelchair, diagnosed with borderline personality, but is aware. She refuses to go to a nursing home. Today, I got a knock on my door from Adult Protective Services, because a neighbor called on my mother’s behalf stating that I am ignoring her and refuse to care for her. My mother lives with me, because my father died and she would have been homeless since she has no money. It was only supposed to be temporary, but at the last minute she refuse to leave my home. I had begun the eviction process with her for force her into a nursing home, but got threatened by APS. Now, I go threatened again, because my mother called the neighbor after I “refused to help her with toileting during my remote work hours and she pushed another PCA over the edge to quit. My mother likes to make false accusations.
So now I am at my wits end, and called my elder care attorney. The APS worker called my supervisor to verify where I work and asked if I could have reduced hours on my behalf without my consent. My lawyer told me the APS worker crossed the line. But I can’t care for this woman while battling my own disease, and the state won’t allow me to remove her from my home, the threatens me when I can’t find any care because of her behavior issues. I am so emotionally drained.
MS can bring cognitive changes. I don't know if it can strip empathy like dementia & mental illness can.. but I wonder.
What I do know is no-one has the right to enslave you. Your Mother, no matter her dx, does not ever have the right to insist you house her or be her hands-on caregiver.
Please speak up to your own Doctor & APS. Work to getting your Mother into some sort of temporary respite care for starters.
I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. Sending a bazillion hugs your way today.
I am neglecting my helpless mother.
She is in my home and I cannot get her placed.
I have breast cancer and I am no longer capable of caring for her.
She is being neglected and I am reporting her as such to you.
I need help getting my mother into safe care at once or we may both die.
We pay their salaries so they answer to us.
Their job is to offer assistance and to provide a service to the public. It is not their job or place to intimidate the very people they are being paid to serve.
I sure hope the OP does exactly as you say. I also hope she brings a lawsuit against APS. She has legal civil rights and that APS caseworker clearlt violated them.
Do you legally make your mother's decisions because she has been declared mentally incapacitated and incompetent? If the answer is yes then have your lawyer petition the court to remive you as her conservator/guardian if this is what you have. If it's just POA that's different. Thay's even easier to take yourself off of.
If you are not your mother's legal representative, call 911 and have them bring her to the hospital. Tell the paramedics and the police that she is making threats against you and herself. Follow them to the hospital. Then in the ER ask to talk to a social worker and ask them for a 'Social Admit'. Use these exact words. Tell them that you cannot and will not allow her to return to your home because you cannot meet her care needs. Then refuse to allow her to come back. They will admit her to the hopsital and will keep her there until they find a bed at a care facility.
Make sure you tell the hospital social worker what APS is trying to pull.
Don't worry too much about the over-zealous APS people, as an in-home caregiver I've been dealing with their crap and threats for more than 25 years now. They're all bark and no bite. They will make all kinds of threats that they're unable to follow through on. Also, don't forget APS is a state-run agency. A state-employed bureaucrat is going to as little actual work as they can legally get away without doing and still keep their jobs.
Bottom line. The APS bureaucrat does not want to do her job and find the appropriate care and housing for your mother because she does want the responsibility of her. So she'll make false threats against you in the hopes that you'll do her job for her and resolve the matter.
You handle APS exactly the way I used to back in the day when they would try to get me to do their jobs as well as my own. When they threaten to call the cops on you and all that tell to go ahead they'd be doing you a favor. Then offer to call them yourself. They will cut the crap guaranteed.
You say that no PCA can handle your mother. Sometimes I really wish I was still doing the hands-on care part of this work instead of the business end. I'd have your mother handled in a hot minute and no mistake.
So true, BC.
I get so twisted about people like the OP's mother, who are uber-manipulative and use "the system" to cow their family members into absolute obedience.
Honestly, in certain situations, I sometimes wonder if jail wouldn't be a better alternative. At least there, you know when your sentence will be over.
You say you have a lawyer. Good. What does he/she say about this?
If mom is fully cognizant, this might be a good time to remind her that, if her B.S. allegations succeed, what does she think will happen to her? Either APS will remove her from your home because they feel she is in danger there, or they will lock you up, and then she STILL will get removed from your home because there won't be anyone there to take care of her and leaving her alone will NOT be an option.
I think I would also ask my lawyer to write a very strongly worded letter to this APS worker's supervisor, outlining what this person did. To have the sheer gall to call your job and ask for your hours to be reduced is waaaayyyyy beyond their purview. Besides, if they think mom is in such danger living with you, why are they seeking a way to give you MORE TIME to focus on taking care of mom, rather than earning a living??!!?? And I think I would also talk to my lawyer about re-starting those eviction proceedings, and if that is something that would cause you to get charged with "neglect" or "abandonment".
You really need to focus on your health and breast cancer battle. You certainly don't need this added stress - ***nobody*** needs this added stress - and I think the only way free of this is to get mom out of your house, unfortunately.
Good luck!
If your mom is competent and making these threats, throw the ball back into her court. Let her know that by making threats and trying to get you in trouble--she succeeded and now she is going to be taken away.
If this doesn't shock her a little, into behaving better, IDK what would!
But then you can get her into care through the hospital. I sure wish you luck with this. You need to be caring for yourself first. I know that easy to say and hard to DO, but you deserve to be able to live your life and not have the threat of legal issues hanging over your head.
I agree that APS can be all bark and no bite. Of, course, depends on the APS worker, some are great, of course, but the truth is, once you give somebody that kind of power--it often just goes to their heads!
If you can--let your lawyer handle this. When I have an issue that I can't resolve through calm, measured talk, I just call my son (who is an attorney) and let him handle it. One phone call from him and amazingly, the issue is cleared up. Nobody wants to talk to attorneys.