Can I be hopeful to have a restored relationship with an elderly mom who is demanding and manipulative?

I am with CTTN, if your suspect Dementia at any stage, why are you allowing her to live alone? Do you have POA? If so, read it to see if its immediate or you need a doctor (or 2) to declare that she is incompetent to make informed decisions?

She is incontinent and you think alone she is going to change and put on clean pull ups? What if she wets the bed who is going to strip it and wash the sheets. What if she goes on the couch or a chair.

Everything you describe is someone suffering from cognitive decline. I hope you will have the ability to check up on her regularly.

If she’s difficult and manipulative now she’s not going to change. With dementia it is what it is.

I'm confused. In your profile, you write this:

"I'm a 63 year old who recently moved together into a newly purchased home with my husband. My dad moved with us too but passed a month later. Currently dealing with early dementia mom and zero filter. Very unhappy, a bit manipulative and extremely self focused. All are retired. Just bought home for her to move to alone. We fill sell our together home and purchase a home for my husband and I. The move is quite soon."

So you are selling your newly-purchased home to buy another one? And you've just purchased a home for your mother to move into alone?

"I am caring for my mother Mary, who is 84 years old, living in my home with age-related decline, alzheimer's / dementia, and anxiety."

Why did she ever move in with you in the first place? How much caregiving did you do for her? Is she capable of living alone?

If you purchased a house for her, sounds like you are funding her old age. What is the plan for when she needs help? Is she going to hire help out of her own funds? What is her financial situation?

Don't let her steal your stuff. Once she's back home leave her to her own devices, trying to establish a healthy relationship with someone with her personality traits is an exercise in futility. Go as hands-off as possible.

I learned a trick to get my dad to go to the doctors call a LYFT and say " Hey I ordered a car " and dont give them a choice - get them in the LYFT and say " We are going to the doctors " Then afterward take them to Lunch . Works every time .

Having hope is always good.. but be realistic too.

Once Mother is out. Let the dust settle. Take a short break from her. Out of sight & out of mind. A weekend out of town if possible.

Mother in her OWN place. This is a good start!

Her next task is to *accept help* as she needs to. She may live alone, but may not be fully independent..? Now & certainly this fades as time goes on.

So if Mother lives alone, the danger is you 'propping her up' to the extent her needs engulf your life. Just as they would IN your home, except now you will have TWO homes to run. (Plus the emotional impacts 😟😬).

So start a list of all the help she needs - with her. Decide how much YOU will do & what needs to be outsourced.
Help her locate all the services she will need to run her own home her way - help set her up to succeed 😃. For as long as possible.

(PS If she is the stubborn, decline all services type, you may be in for a new 'adventure'. But we can help!)

Another vote for not hopeful to "restore" relationship with someone with dementia. It robs them of reason, logic, memory and the ability to have *empathy*. I agree with againx100 to discretely ask the clinic to not cancel the appointment, but then you will need to physically get her to go. If there's "nothing wrong" with her then she can prove it by going to the appointment. Whatever therapeutic fib you can tell to incentivize her to go is perfectly moral and ethical.

Demanding and manipulative says it all. I doubt if that can get better, especially since she shows signs of dementia. After she moves out, give her more space. Be a little busier than usual. Celebrate getting her out of the house! I hope she can keep the neurologist appointment - and also your sanity. Putting some distance between you might be good for both of you, and you can ramp up the relationship when it becomes necessary, which it almost certainly will.

I would call the doctor and tell them to NOT cancel her appointment if mom tries to do so.

Your relationship with your mom is going to be tough to "restore". With her declining, it's never going to be what it was. I know with my mom, it's not a mother/daughter relationship and I know it never will be again. Dementia steals a lot of things from the person with it and everyone close to them. Unfortunately, you will need to adjust your expectations and accept a little more of her behavior as the fault of dementia. You're going to have to find a way to ignore her critical comments. Don't argue, don't engage, don't take it personally. Just give a vague response or even none at all.

You are soooo lucky that she wants to move out of your home. Oh, how I wish my suggestions of assisted living for my mom had been taken in a positive way instead of with anger and tears. Soon enough, my mom, with her continued decline, she will have to move into memory care.

How close is her new home to yours? I'm sure you are very familiar with the level of hep she needs from living together. Are you going to provide that help or get her set up with paid caregivers? I'd start with a cleaning lady, which is what I did. If this is a standalone home, she'll need someone to take care of the outdoor stuff, etc.

Good luck with all of this. I'd love to have an update.

Distance and time can heal wounds, so perhaps things will become more tolerable when she's not right under foot.

However, if she's got dementia, I'm not sure why you're letting her move back to her own home instead of assisted living or better yet, memory care. That's just going to be another pile of headaches as you worry about her from a distance.