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I am a caregiver for my 92-year-old father.

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Your doing your best I had to with my mom also. We switched to having a CNA give her a wipe down in her chair, she felt comfortable there, when CNA's missed days I gave her, her wipe downs there. She refused showers because she never felt comfortable. She had high CO2 so she would tell me she was going to report me all the time for lack of care even though I made all her meals, washed her clothing took her to all her appointments, She always threatened to do it, It wasn't her it was her disease I see that now that she has passed. Try and compromise maybe wash him down where he feels safe and comfortable it's all you can do to keep them clean we purchased dry shampoo Dove or Herbal Essence have some good ones find a wash he likes get a bathing bucket and some wash cloths. If you find things he likes scent wise you'll find he is more for it and if you do it where he is comfortable you will find he will be less frustrating. I wish you the best ! I have been there and done that and it's not an easy fight.
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I agree with GardenArtist. Maybe see if a male aide could assist him? My husband helps my FIL bathe, and as good-natured as my FIL is, I can't imagine him letting me assist with his showers!

Also, I'm sorry that he's yelling at you. That's always tough. Remember, you're doing a wonderful thing by helping him!!
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"no woman is going to tell him what to do" - A ha! That might be the jist of the problem.

Is there a male in the family who could assist him with bathing or cleaning up? If the doctor orders a home health aide, it probably should be a man.
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Thank you cdnreader and GardenArtist for responding to my question and for sharing your experiences and advice. I should have mentioned that my father has Alzheimers. He has made it known that he isn't about to let me or any one else bathe him, so I really like the idea of trying the giant bath wipes and the dry shampoo that he could use himself. When I make suggestions, he makes it quite clear to me at the top of his lungs for all to hear that no woman is going to tell him what to do. At your suggestion cdnreader I also placed a call to his doctor. Again, thank you both.
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First, I would ask who would be the one to report you, and who do you think would charge you with neglect? That sounds a bit crass, but it's not meant to be. Would it be family members? Neighbors?

I do understand your concern, as I deal with it myself fairly often. People who have no idea how to care for elders don't realize how difficult it is, and think that life should be a lot more smooth with a daughter or other family involved.

If you have hired care staff coming in, they could report neglect if they felt it existed. So could EMS, and even nosy, meddling neighbors.

I think though that the focus should be on keeping clean rather than bathing. Sponge baths, no rise shampoo and no rinse bathing are a lot easier on older folks.
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Dear Mabelle,

I know you are trying to do your best for your father. When my father started to refuse bath it was because he had heart failure and he was dying. I didn't understand this and thought he was just being a grumpy old man.

Are you able to talk to his doctor and review his medical or mental condition? Maybe just use giant bath wipes for now or give him a sponge bath.

I know how I feel without a bath. When I brought my dad home from rehab after the stroke, I tried to give him at least two showers a week, sometimes more if he needed it.

Try to talk to him and see if there is a deeper reason.
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