Visitation being denied from medical POA, mother in home hospice. Can fiduciary POA kick me out of the house?


So I have slightly different version of the question. One brother has medical POA and and another brother has fiduciary POA. My poor mom is dying at home with hospice. They are giving me visiting rights of 2 hrs day. Initially they locked me out and when I went to the police they said they couldn't help me because of POA. This not there is not legal, but the other one with fiduciary powers basically has all rights of the house, my moms, until her last breath. It feel like that saying occupancy is 90% and they have it. The medical POA is living in the house. When I am not there, nobody is, except a paid care taker. I don't want my mother to take her last breaths alone. It appears out the four children I am the only wanting and willing to be there. This of course is game of power, and I feel powerless. Can the fiduciary POA kick me out of the house?

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You are experiencing a double whammy here...with your brothers each having their separate POA's, they can work together pretty effectively to exclude you. The reason the police couldn't help you was because it became a civil matter and calling them likely served only to further aggravate your brothers. If a person believes that someone is abusing a POA, it can be challenged in court. However, it seems that your mom may not have that long.

You haven't said why your brothers are excluding you and you probably have some inkling of this. Often it IS a power play, but it hails from years of family dynamics and animosity. I suppose you have appealed to their sense of honor and fairness in terms of allowing you more time for the sake of your mother? Or that they should be able to acknowledge that your mom would want you there? Only you know these things and less you reveal them to us. You haven't shared what you have tried.

You also haven't specified what your mom is dying from or how aware she is of you not being there more. lf she has some form of dementia, she's not going to remember you being there or not. You have to consider that you may be doing this primarily for yourself, although innocently in the process producing a stream of negative energy just because of the way your brothers feel. My mom hated when my sister visited, but sister did it anyway. My mom said that she was showing her intentions by ignoring my sister and sitting like a bump on a stump not willing to speak to her when she came over. My sister assumed that this meant it wasn't so bad. But the negative energy she left in her wake upon her departure was something I had to deal with for 2 to 4 hours afterward, as my mother continued fuming, even in her dementia, that I had not kept my sister out in the first place (which I had been legally disallowed from doing by the court).

So, you see, it's never simple. I would suggest you try the humanitarian angle with your brothers which would include why SHOULDN'T you be there if you're willing and that you believe it calms your mom, etc. lf you guys can't agree and there's no time to go to court to plead your case, just be aware that the energy in the room regarding you and your brothers BEFORE, DURING and AFTER you're there IS affecting your mom at some level. You nay HAVE TO be the bigger, wiser, more compassionate one and back off, as hard as that will be for you since you obviously care so deeply.
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You need no other answer..that was amazingly on target! It was sensitive and true. This seems to be a sibling issue and her suggestions are till you can do this, enjoy the two hours with her now....your mom loves all of you..
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I think you might get better help from someone - a pastor, social worker, or go to a mediator - some mediators deal with siblings around elder care issues. I've had some training in that. Some outsider could go talk with you each separately, find out the brother's fears and list them, at the same time as tell the brother - this is time for unity, have a heart, etc. That mediator could also talk with you, ask you in more depth why you want to be there, about your relationship with your mom, about what it means to you. Maybe that brother has ideas that your visit would not be good for your mother. After talking with both, the mediator could meet with you again, or a therapist or something could help you with a plan to help you avoid any problem behaviors while visiting - if that was an issue in the past. My older sister had mental illness, and my sil and other brothers judged her harshly when she had a meltdown at some point after my mother's funeral. So, years later, when our older brother died, sister in law did not invite her to the gathering of family and friends after his funeral. I protested by going out to lunch with sister and skipping the gathering. Turned out, my sister herself had learned by then, strategies to help her avoid meltdowns (smaller, shorter family gatherings only, and a plan to meet someone on leaving), for she wanted a positive relationship too. I apologize if this issue has nothing to do with you - adult sibling battles are legion - lots of room for innovation in helping services...! One other thought - I too have long held the wish to be with someone when they go - truth is, sometimes that works out, but most often, they always go alone - even when close family or friends make time to sit with them. My boyfriend taught me years back - don't wait until the person is sick to bring the flowers - give the flowers through life, signal positive relations early, while the person is alert enough to appreciate them.
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It depends on what the laws of your state are. I am a hospice nurse in Florida and Financial POA is "powerless" when it comes to making medical decisions for a person who is unable to make them. The Medical POA is the persons who is able to make those decisions on who can and can not visit. It works very similar to the health care POA making decisions on who can and cannot visit when a person is hospitalized. Financial POA only has power over the finances of that person and can not dictate who can and cannot visit the person.
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