Can attorney help with sibling harassment?
Advice please. Husband and I volunteered to move in 3 years ago with his now 83 yr old mother who has permanent physical frailty suffered from an auto accident (father died). His two siblings had their reasons for not doing such. If we had not, she would have been placed in a care home and she did not want that. She cannot be left alone. Husband and I are the caregivers outside the 40/hrs a week there is daytime hired care. Mother-in-law told siblings that no one but her (mother-in-law) should pay for her care easily paid for with a monthly income derived from financial investments, pension, and social security. She also owns two nice homes free and clear and if one had to be sold, it would pay for round-the-clock care for several years but she is far from needing to sell anything. We buy all the groceries, cook the meals, clean, do household maintenance, and pay 2/3 share of utilities. Husband's sister who is POA (mother-in-law is not declared incompetent) wants us to pay for any hired care that is outside of the 40 hours a week unless we first get sister's permission. This means my husband and I cannot leave together unless we have sister's permission or it will cost us in addition to what we budgeted for an outing, or will cost us just to attend anything together such as time with my family. We reminded sis it is not our responsibility to pay for hired care when mother-in-law is without the free care of us or one of the siblings. Sister-in-law continues to exert her refusal to allow payment for additional care hours without her permission, and, yesterday, had Mother-in-law sign a slip stating such. I think Mother-in-law doesn't realize the implication of what she signed. It was lengthy, filled with double-speak, and frequent use of the phrase pay period. I know she wouldn't want to be unfair to any of her children. Is an attorney useful in a matter such as this? Perhaps to send sis a letter to stop the harassment of us? The harassment just adds to the stress of caregiving. By the way, we are not slackers, addicts, or slobs. I have a day job and so did my husband until 3 months ago when he suffered an injury and is undergoing physical therapy before returning to work.
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There are many many posters who get caught in your situation. You start out in agreement with the elders and then their needs escalate and the siblings can’t appreciate the work it takes to make it all work.
I would take the document to an attorney. Not sure I would move unless I wanted to.
Does your MIL have her own checkbook? Then she can pay the after hours caretakers herself.
I still think that if the MIL is competent she is the one your problem is with. She needs to right the wrongs she is allowing SIL to commit. She can stop this by reassigning POA. Is your husband unable to be the POA?
Unless she changes the POA your life will be hell. I say this because MIL is not even incapacitated and SIL is interfering.
You need to let DH read this thread and discuss it with MIL. An attorney could come to the home to meet with MIL. If she’s unwilling to protect you against the SIL then you have your answer.
Don’t hide your upset from MIL. She deserves to know that SIL is unwilling to use MIL money to pay for MIL care. This is good that it is out in the open now before MIL reaches the stage where she can’t make changes. This is going to destroy your husbands relationship with his sister if MIL allows this to stand.
I n my opinion, Mom needs to revolk her POA and assign it to the ones doing the caring, your husband. All paperwork signed is null and void. It would have been nice if you had kept records but u probably didn't.
I would also make sure when Mom passes, that you don't loose the right to continue living in the house. You will need a lawyer to make sure everything is on the up and up and sister can't contest anything. A good lawyer will talk to Mom without u present. You just want to secure ur future. Let the lawyer make suggestions to Mom.
I would make a list of what u contribute a month. Maybe just show for a year with checks or tranfers backing u up. And no, as long as Mom has money, you are not responsible to pay for her care. Your there so she can remain in her home. I think sister is trying to save her inheritance. Thats not part of being a POA.
Get yourselves out of there. Two weeks notice.
You are basically being swindled.
She could call the attorney on a speaker phone and ask him to explain what she signed. Your DH could be part of that conversation. At a minimum, I would want a care contract. If your MIL is competent, then you have to hold her responsible for these decisions and not SIL. MIL must protect the two of you taking care of her physically from the SIL’s machinations.
You need a care contract at the least. I would want POA.
For whatever reason SIL felt threatened or that MIL needed protection. She took what she thought was appropriate action. As MIL POA she may be simply doing what she thinks is prudent. Now you need to do the same for your family.
You are very fortunate that she is still considered competent. If she weren't this would be much harder and expensive.
Otherwise, leave an let SIL figure out the next move. Because MIL is competent, SIL cannot force her to live anywhere she doesn't want to.
Time to play hardball.
SIL appears to be thinking because you are living there rent free then that should do it, this situation will not improve, let your SIL take care of her or hire a live in caretaker, I had a 24/7 caretaker for my husband for the last 2 months before he went into hospice, cost me 11K for the month and that was in 2007.
Most of these move in with and take care of parents deals do not work out, so I would cut my losses and find myself a new place to live. Good Luck!