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I had introduced my mom a while back to a lady who would be her power of attorney. I did not think nothing of it. My mom had even expressed to me that she may want a power of attorney who would look out for her best interest while in the nursing home that she was in. At least that's what my mom and I were hoping for. This power of attorney had threatened legal action especially if I tried to interfer in any kind of way. Then the next thing I know shortly after she became power of attorney she had my mom moved to hospice for some reason. Then on top of that this lady is sending me what I would call cryptic messages telling me that the time was close and that it would not be much longer. Then the next thing I know my mom is gone for good. If anyone needs anything else just ask. I know I was kind of shallow in telling all that had happened. This has devestated me to know end. She passed away back in Feb. Of this year. I just know that none of this feels right or is right. I just don't know what I can do at this point against this power of attorney? I know that before this lady becoming power of attorney that the nursing home where my mom was was her power of attorney. Only I did not nor did my mom know that that was the case at the time? I tried to get this new power of attorney to see things from a different perspective of which she would not hear of it in the least little bit. It was like she was on some sort of mission to do and bring harm to my mother. I had myself met this lady of all places on Facebook. It was not until a little time had passed by that I started to see her true colors. I still at that point did not know exactly how much power she could have and weiled. I was new to it all just as my mom was. My mom had not the slightest clue how much power this lady had Over my mom. My mom did not want to die in a nursing home. She wanted to die at home around people who cared for her.

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Outkast, you can't blame your brother for not taking your mom in. You can't just put someone in a nursing home, there must be a need. She was obviously sicker then you knew.

I am sorry for your loss but, attacking others won't make it any easier to bear. Your mom is at peace now, try to find that for yourself.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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Why in the world would you ok a FB stranger to be POA for your mother? It is irresponsible and extremly risky to say the least. There are lots of weird people on social media and Facebook is no different.
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"I know that before this lady becoming power of attorney that the nursing home where my mom was was her power of attorney."

I personally have never heard of a NH being POA. To me its kind of a conflict of interest. But your Mom assigned a perfect stranger? Why were you not her POA? Live too far away? Was this lady both financial and Medical or just Medical?

Why was Mom in a Nursing Home? Why did she feel she could come home? And if she did come home, who was going to care for her?

Hospice, you need to be evaluated for this service and meet the criteria. A doctor has to order it. Mom must have been dying or would eventually die of what was wrong with her.

As long as your Mom could make decisions, the POA was not in effect unless immediate. Usually for a POA to be in effect, the principle has to be found incompetent by a doctor or two.

It sounds to me that you do not really understand what a POA is. You say Mom was not aware that the NH had a POA on her. She had to because she had to sign papers allowing them to be POA. And she had to be competent to do that.

I am not trying to make you feel any worse than you do, but to me it does not look like you were that involved in Moms care. And if you live miles away, that is understandable. But the woman your Mom assigned as POA does not have to disclose any info on your Mom. Thats probably why she told you not to interfer. Being Moms daughter does not give u rights to change anything in place or talk to doctors, especially when a POA has been assigned.

I think there were some misconceptions here. That the lady assigned was very aware of what her duties were as POA. Did she get paid for her services? Well, her POA responsibilities stopped at Moms death. I hope our replies help u to understand what actually may have gone on. It is really hard to answer you since we haven't been given much background info. We then tend to assume. Like:

How old was Mom and why was she in a NH to begin with?
Do you live far away?
Are you an only child?
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Outkast420420 Jul 17, 2021
No I am not an only child. I have one blood brother plus a few step sister and brother's. I live in the same town as the nursing home that my mom was in. My little brother did not want to be bothered by or even burdened down with my mom living with him. The rest of my family could have cared less to be honest. Besides none of my family would respect my mother and her wishes. This power of attorney I just know has fouled up somewhere along the line. I just don't know where or how though I'm doing my own research on it.
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Sounds to me, the POA did what she supposed to do. Hospice is ordered by the dr. Meaning your mother was actively dining. Hospice would have made sure your mom was comfortable in her last days. Are you in the same town? Would of , could of , should of…….a visit, or phone call to nursing facility when the flags started flying….any case be comforted that hospice was on board.
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Outkast420420 Jul 17, 2021
Yes I live in the same town as my mom lived in being in the nursing home. Why should I be glad that hospice was involved? She should not have been put into hospice! She didn't want to be in such a bad place as a nursing home. My mom used to work in them and the horror stories and even real life incidents that she had gone through with one resident was enough to make her not want to be in one when she got older. She wanted to die at home around the very people that loved and cared for her. Those were her wishes and this power of attorney didn't care to find out what my mother's wishes were.
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I am looking at this in a different perspective.....some people choose a POA on the basis that they want their wishes fulfilled and they choose not to use family members who will go against their wishes.
Your statements have some contradictions. First you freely offered your mother a choice other than yourself. Which could also mean you declined the job first.
Second, your mom was already in a nursing home so how were you expecting her to go home? It is not usually the POAs job to make those arrangements. Your last statement was she wanted to die at home around people who cared for her. You had your opportunity.
Third, the POA was sending you messages that mom was dying. Yet it sounds like you did not rush to see her. So why are you blaming her?

My take is that you chose to stay away. Mom chose a good POA who did what she was supposed to do. The POA actually defended her rights to enforce the document. That in itself is telling that the POA was a professional.
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Reply to MACinCT
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1. - Last I checked only the principal can chose someone as their POA. I see a lot of hostile responses based on speculation. I"ll just assume the poster is telling the truth, until if/when there's reason not to, regarding the most important point of the post:
" I know that before this lady becoming power of attorney that the nursing home where my mom was was her power of attorney. Only I did not nor did my mom know that that was the case at the time?"
/\----also a POA cannot appoint a POA to replace themselves. Only a court ordered Guardian can overturn a POA.
Anyway, there are a lot of messy legal issues with these things. I can see why others have maybe felt some skepticism, like maybe there's more to the story, but it doesn't seem like that's really what you need help with,
What can you do about this lady? If you seriously think she was abusive and dismissive of your mother's true wishes, I guess you could talk to the police/etc. and she could get in trouble.

I've had people that I loved, die, in situations that were maybe somewhat murky. Be very careful, with your feelings. Looking to find blame to resolve the pain of loss, is a dark dark place.

That being said, this:
"My mom did not want to die in a nursing home. She wanted to die at home around people who cared for her."
This is real!
Don't let anyone's speculations about what 'home' means get to you. I'm so sorry for your loss, and I can relate. Hospitals, nursing homes, they are so sterile. So meaningless.
More importantly, it's nobody's business to question how your mother wanted to die. As for everything else, stay strong and be honest with yourself. I hope this helps.
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Isthisrealyreal Jul 7, 2021
Not to contradict you but, depending on how the POA is written the POA can assign another person to carry out the POA responsibilities and act on behalf of the grantor. I know because my POA has this written into it.
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Many people say they want to die at home. Some may mean that actual house, those actual walls. But I believe most actually mean, to die in comfort, not pain, in a familiar place with kind people & surrounds they know, somewhere safe.

I have personally met many people who changed their mind & wanted to pass in a hospital, nursing home or a hospice home because they felt safe there, became familiar with their room & trusted the staff.

When you say "moved to hospice" does this mean moved to a new location? Or put under hospice medical care but physically stayed in the NH?

Coz if Mom was already living in a Nursing Home then this WAS her home. Her room would have had her things in it, the staff & other residents would be familiar. This would be the best situation for her.

If she was moved in her last weeks she may have not minded so much, as long as her bed was comfortable & staff were kind.

It seems to me you have a lot of anger over Mom's passing. A councillor who specialises in grief may be of real comfort & use to you.
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Reply to Beatty
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I'm not following...

Mom was in a Nursing Home, but you're upset she didn't die at home? She was there before this PoA was assigned?

She was on hospice? A patient can't just go on hospice of their (or their PoA's) own accord, it has to be ordered by a doctor. She had to have had some pretty severe health issues for it to be ordered, and you only list she had anxiety.

But most of all.... What made you decide to make an FB friend your Mom's PoA? I really can't fault this person with the information provided... Mom was already in the NH and hospice was warranted, but why exactly did you choose her to be PoA?
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Reply to ZippyZee
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There's really no way I can put this delicately, but why in the world would you choose someone you found on social media to act as proxy for someone as precious and dear as your mother?

And now you're finding fault with the proxy?   Are you not considering your role in this situation?

I'm finding this more than a little hard to believe.  I cannot under any circumstances envision bringing in a total stranger to a role as important than the care of your mother.

What exactly would you consider doing to this person who you think acted inappropriately? 
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