My cousin has current POA for my dad who was recently placed into nursing home against his wishes and consent. Four days later they are isolating my dad from me and the reasons they gave were so that he could adjust to being in the home. Dad has a hard time hearing and unsure of diagnosis for Alzheimers' / Dementia. Although my dad can converse when spoken to or when written on paper to give adequate time to process the information being requested or informed response, the simple fact that his medical and health issues were not addressed prior to his placement leaves me to believe that there are shady things going on. Dad has stated that he has a house, people willing to help with care, and now put into this facility, why? How can I address my concerns that are dad's and not mine so he may have a better quality of life?
Originally I was the POA, however, a family friend of a friend had asked to use the garage to do her business as her place was too small. It was agreed and she then proceeded to make a POA for dad and sister and listed the cousin as an alternate. Upon learning that there were some suspicious behaviors, isolation from friends and family (call ahead for appointment day and time),money used for her gain but listed as furniture for house, etc., reports were filed with Adult Protective Services. When questioned as to why she appointed herself as POA she said someone had to....I called my cousin and begged help til daughter and I could return home, he didn't want it but I insisted as it would be temporary and He agreed. Upon returning home I noticed that dad was depressed, his hair and nails were long and unkempt, incontinent and left in soiled clothes along with unsanitary conditions of his room and bathroom. My cousin put his niece and nephew in the home to "watch over" and help, rent free. Cousin bought food, brought medications but never interacted or spoke or tried to communicate with dad. ?? I started visits with dad 1x week for 3 weeks and decided that it wasn't enough..then I began coming everyday for 3-4 hours as dad and I were very close and he had wanted me to move in and care for him. I cut his hair, gave him a manicure/ pedicure, massage his feet/ legs to promote circulation, got him clean clothes and took him to the bathroom and cleaned him up. When I went in the house I was accosted by the rank smell permeating throughout the house. Dad's room is at the back of the house..and I was dumbfounded..the carpet in Dad's room was dark and worn (like dirty feet tracks), the bathroom and floor were just a shambles. It took a good carpet cleaning, scrubbing the shower stall/ floor/ toilet but I was able to get the odor, discoloration, and sanitation down to a locker room smell but I was no longer accosted at the door of the house, only in Dad's room. TYG! As the months rolled by I noticed cousin didn't come unless he had to have Dad sign papers, pick up the mail, or tell us what we could and couldn't do. Then he stopped buying food for Dad, the dog, called me to take Dad to all his appointments, never had any of the repairs done ie; the water leaking from the toilet tanks, refrigerator not cold and freezer is frozen, no clothes for Dad that weren't pinching him by 2-3 inches in the waist, no hearing aids (hearing loss due to airport job), can't see clearly as he has cataracts. Ok I went on a tangent but that's just a few things...
My daughter and I were going to take turns, along with a nurse, a caregiver, and the help of the V.A. but every request, suggestion was shut down, dismissed, "we tried, 'they said yes then no', 'he doesn't qualify' ". I kept looking for ways to get him to see a better Dr., found out about the cataracts, the damage to his ears, etc. I didn't just stop there. I kept going. Research, try this , research, give it a chance, research, keep looking. I refuse to give up! I know what my Dad wants because he has always told me and it wasn't to be put in a nursing home.
He is sad, frustrated, angry, and most of all, he is afraid of my cousin...I want my Dad to know that he is loved and that he is worthy of love. It's about what he wants, Not what I want.
Thanks for all your input. I question self and bounce things off others, check motive and it all comes back to, That's MY Dad, let me help him, cause that's all he wants. He's 84 why do you want to make him miserable!
Be aware that most people, unless they are completely unresponsive and unaware, are not pleased to realize they’ve been placed in a facility. Some turn inward and some become very vocal about having the resources to care for themselves when just the opposite is true.
Why was your cousin appointed POA instead of you? Did you volunteer to become Dad’s POA and 24/7 caregiver? If you did, was there a reason why he was placed in a facility instead?
Nursing homes can suggest family not visit, but they cannot ban someone unless they feel the visitor is a danger to their residents. At my mom’s facility, one had to be buzzed in and sign in. Visitors were on surveillance cameras. You needed a code to leave. Restricting visitors is up to the discretion of the POA. Nursing home staff are MUCH too busy to monitor every single visitor.
If your father is there under protest and your cousin and the facility feel he’d do better being on his own for a while and getting used to his new home, I would abide by their wishes. This is not an unusual request. Why would you want to visit and upset him further?
If so, he can change POA to you at any time. Then, you can consult with him and help him make decisions about where he lives and how to access care.
Is that what you'd like?
Or has dad been declared incompetent?