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My 96 year old mom is behaving very mean and nasty with her provider by being mean and accusing her provider of trying to kill her and stealing her things in the house like blankets and sweaters and anything she wants. When i ask her about it she says that i dont know her cause im not there. she is alone with the provider for about 5 hours but we my sisters and i can see that what my mom says is not true . she gets jealous and says that we love the provider more than her just cause we tell her that she would not do anything like that. she makes life miserable for herself by waking up mad at the provider and not letting her help her by dressing her or she will not let her comb her hair.

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Yes, even if the caregiver IS a family member. It is called showboating when the patient is nicer to a chosen few.

I have written about this before, but my mom is 100% better after having been to a senior behavioral clinic where her meds could be fine tuned. What a difference. She is actually happy and realizes that she is lucky to be where she is (in the lap of luxury!). I would recommend it. It cannot hurt and insurance paid for almost all of it.
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Absolutely! This happens all the time and not just to outside caregivers but to family members who are caregivers. I cared for my mother for 8 years before I began having panic and anxiety attacks from the stress of caring for her alone and her worsening condition.

My mother and I had been the best of "buddies" for years and we were very much alike so we did things together, however at a point in her dementia she accused me one day in front of the entire family that I had told her she had a horrible smile, therefore she was refusing to smile for a photograph. My heart literally hurt that she would make such an accusation. I figured some members of the family would believe her and run with it to try and accuse me of abuse in some way. Later she began to check on everything, and accused me of stealing from her and taking her money. This was killing me because I was the only child trying to protect her and her money, telling siblings there were no more back room deals in asking Mom for money that was never repaid!

Also they will be mean to their caregivers because the caregiver is their "jailer" of sorts who keeps them in "line" so to speak, and does not let them do dangerous things and makes them bathe and eat and they do not like it. They see their actions as normal and the caregiver is "butting in" and acting like their parent. They are confused but they have moments of clarity and they do not like being treated like a child. Try as we might not to treat them as a child, they still feel that we are taking over their lives and they resent it.

Being a caregiver is very difficult and becomes even worse as their disease becomes worse. It is very hurtful to hear the things they say both to you and about you, especially when you have given up your life to provide care to them.

If you have not already, I would suggest finding some type of nanny cam that you can check on the caregiver and your mother and just watch their interaction. Your mother may just be confused and the caregiver is wonderful, but remember the reverse could be true as well. Her actions are however all part of the disease.
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In my case my dad resents me at times because I represent his new normal. Prior to his coming to love with me, he exercised independence even at 94 years old. To give up that mantel is so difficult for him. So at times I get the short end of the stick. It's times like that that I remind him that I love him and I am not going any where ! It's hard for him and sometimes hard for me but the alternatives are even harder. As someone mentioned earlier we must find ways to strengthen ourselves through family, community support, and other forms of rejuvenating because this is one of the hardest responsibilities we will ever have. Please don't forget to find ways to laugh even when your by yourself, a favorite movie, a memorable book which made you feel joy, or one to help u escape for a minute. Good luck and always remember that God sends us angels all the time we just must be willing to recognize them.
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I guess my experience is somewhat opposite of most folks posting here. Our 92 year old mother with dementia actually treats her aide nicer than she often treats either me or my sister. She is much less demanding of Mary (her aide) and views her as more of a friend whereas I and my sister are the ones placing what she perceives as demands on her (i.e., trying to keep her on time for a doctor appointment while she lollygags around until we're typically late). Clearly, this is an individual thing and/or personality trait fairly unique to our mother.
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Sewbusy, yes, I definitely agree with you that the caregivers have to direct orders of the day, such as taking medications, diet restrictions, and the like. Thus, the caregiver is probably not the most favorite person in the patient's eyes.
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It is the norm with the elderly to treat the person who is the closest to them, their caregiver, who quite often is their daughter or son much less nice than others. With my mother, whom I cared for out of state for a long 6 months, she would go with bouts of child-like behavior, such as not talking when being spoken to. It is indeed a balancing act, as they revert to being the child and you are now the parent. I feel for you. Hang in there.
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I would get a different caregiver, your mom might be acting out because she doesnt like the aide. I would find an aide with experiance in dealing with dementia. Any aide that has worked units in nursing homes for people with dementia can curve your moms behavior and those skills only come from a person who has worked those types of units.
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I definitely agree with the previous posts. This is a common occurence with individuals suffering from dementia. Educating yourself on the "ins & outs" and "ups & downs" of dementia will be very helpful to you.

Your comment reminds me of an incident I had with my father. There were two individuals at our house - a visiting nurse and a physical therapist. Both were very nice and very attentive. But for some reason my father was very hostile towards the visiting nurse. In fact, when it was time for her to leave he would not let her get past to walk out of the front door. He demanded that she use the back door and walk through the yard to get to her car. When it was time for the physical therapist to leave, my Father let her use the front door with no problem. Go figure. :-)
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Your experience has been ours. MIL is downright hostile toward caregivers, which was us for a while. Now that she's in a care center, the staff catches the vile and she loves to see and be with us.

We find that facial expression and voice tone has a lot to do with what will generate a hostile response. However, for some reason, the caregiver is in her crosshairs from time to time no matter who it is or how that person approaches her.
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Absolutely. In general, I viewed the response as general loss of control and frustration with the ability to manage your own needs. My mom (multi-infarct dementa) was distrustful. We worked to find a caregiver with a mellow vibe who knew how to work with someone with dementia. Even the trained ones weren't always a good fit. The emotion and approach is the most important. Patient, kind and a quick smile were the keys to the right caregivers for us.

My mom has finally accepted the help and her caregivers know when she "barks" it usually means she is frustrated, tired, hungry or doesn't feel well.
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YES. And that could occur even if you or one of your siblings were her primary caregiver. It is very common, and you will find plenty of documentation and testimonies of that on this site. Only have a minute this morning so I can't expound on that, but I suspect others will...
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I would imagine this behavior is related to her dementia. Good advice above on reading 'understanding the dementia experience'. Dementia can bring on a whole host of behavioral issues. You can also contact your local chapter of the Alzheimer's Association for more information dementia behaviors and strategies on how to manage them.
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In my experience (personal and talking to friends) it is pretty common to treat the hands-on caregiver shall we say "less nicely" than others who come to visit. I think it is because the caregiver is the one who has to say "no, you cannot have more cookies" or "no we cannot do such and such right now" or "you have to take this medicine" or whatever.
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Suggest reading Jennifer Ghent-Fuller's article,
"Understanding the Dementia Experience"
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