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The question here is about the poster wanting to bathe her mother not necessarily that she is being mistreated. If she feels there is abuse then she should consider another facility. Why would one keep a family member in an abusive environment? Whether it is appropriate for her to bathe her mother is a different issue. The facility should be responsible for that and they are accountable for that care.
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Reply to Riverdale
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Sounds like a new place is needed to keep your mom safe. In the meantime, I would suggest a hidden camera. They have them that look so normal as to not be noticed. Then you will know who and when is in her room.

I wish I had one when mom was in the two snfs that nearly killed her. Mysteriously fell out of bed multiple times, given meds she was allergic to, sandwiches shoved into a hand that didn’t work and water withheld. I have one now in her room at my place and all the nurses and caregivers know about it. Sadly even though I tell them, I still caught one never turning her and another going through mom’s purse.

Good luck and I get the no one does it right but me feeling.
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Reply to Gettingharder
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Ivegotsunshine Feb 28, 2019
Is there nothing that can be done? You having thee tapes, should we all tape.. and hit the news? I think they feel they can do anything and not have any consequences.
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Cindy,

It is scary if you feel she is being neglected or abused. In my area, nursing homes are not rated well. I’m looking into assisted living for my mom. Visits are always welcome.

I don’t see why they would object to you being with your mom, unless they feel like you don’t trust them, then they will perhaps feel uncomfortable doing their job. It’s kind of tricky, isn’t it? Of course your first priority is your mom but you placed her in a facility for them to help. You need the help. It’s hard doing everything alone. Trust me, I know. It’s what I do now for my 93 year old mom with Parkinson’s.

I hope things get better for you and your mom.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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Ivegotsunshine Feb 26, 2019
This has been so very hard. I’m trying to trust. I just have to be my mom’s eyes and ears. She can’t tell me how she was bruised. Why she didn’t get changed. ... I’ve documented, brought it to their attention, they handled the situation. The bathing situation, is the hardest. So very hard on me. I am going to let them handle it, as long as they do their job. Many ways to handle someone who doesn’t want a bath. Thank you for your insight.
God bless you as you care for your mom.
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Anyone who is incontinent is supposed to have their brief changed every 2 hours. This is to prevent UTI's and even more so, skin breakdown. They do have the right to refuse though, but her being in the same brief after lunch that she had worn the day before is COMPLETELY unacceptable. And as a former Director of Nursing at two different LTC facilities, I am positive on this one!! I advise you to contact your local ombudsman. They are there to resolve LTC issues and are state employees. They work out of the Office on Aging in my state. You can also let the administrator know that if these unhealthy, unsanitary issues don't stop, and the doctor's orders START being followed(yes, the shampoo requires a Dr. order), you will be contacting the state officials and APS with allegations of neglect. The facility has to have the phone number for them posted in a "prominent" place per state laws. If this doesn't work, get her the heck out of there!!!
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Reply to katydid1
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So your Mom was in a pull-up after lunch that you had put on her the previous night? Absolutely positively unacceptable. Moms team would discover the bit$h I really am, not the level headed kind daughter they think. At the care plan meeting what was discussed as far as her toileting schedule? A brief should be changed 1st thing in the morning with a good cleanup, including the bedding if needed. Then every 3 waking hours? Every 4? My Mom is on a 2 hour schedule, but even I agree that’s next to impossible with the low staffing. I’m happy with 3. You shouldn’t need to talk to the administrator about that. That’s an RN nursing call. Ask her head RN today what the schedule is, and make sure it’s on her careplan sheet the aides carry with them. If you occasionally change the briefs, you may want to write a date and time on them like the nurses do with a bandage, so you have a little more proof than just believing it’s the same brief from yesterday.
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Ivegotsunshine Feb 26, 2019
Yes, great idea! We discussed them leaving on the pull-up, I had torn accidentally, my proof.. which I was so upset I almost hit the ceiling. But, they do not do the time and date of the pull up or diaper at night. I will mention it to the nurse today. The girl that was responsible for my mom’s care has been written up, but actually I think she may have been let go, or quit. She works two jobs thus lead to the lack of quality of work. I haven’t seen her since and there is a new aid for my mom’s evening care. I was apologized to but as far as a plan of when to change the pull up, It wasn’t mentioned but a great idea. Is that a common practice in NH’s? I wasn’t given a physical copy of the care plan but I will ask for it. I cannot tell you what you ladies sharing this information with me means to me. Just checks and balances, accountability... ❤️
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When did you ask for a pull up? Residents are waken when new shify comes on about 7 am maybe 6am. Your Mom should not be left in a wet pull up or a wet bed. The first thing they do is dress the residents for breakfast.

I would ask to speak with the DON. Approach it like you just trying to understand how things are done. Then tell her your concerns. Her meds not being put on her head is a big thing.
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Ivegotsunshine Feb 25, 2019
It was in the afternoon abt an hour and one-half after lunch. We had a care plan last week, again the issues were discussed. I was told at that time I’d have to speak with the administrator. I waited 45 minutes, then was told I’d get a call. I’m still waiting. Something must be done soon abt the head fungus. Thanks for listening.
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I have to agree with Barb. Your mom is in a facility, but it sounds like you’re doing all the work. Is it because you feel you can do the job better than anyone else? The staff may feel you don’t trust them with your mother. Or, they may feel they don’t need to do anything for her because you will be along to do it. Mom will never get accustomed to anyone helping her if you’re always there doing it. If you let the staff do their jobs, care may improve.

Now, please don’t get all huffed and puffed. I know you love your mom and want her to be comfortable and well taken care of. Putting a beloved parent in a facility is a difficult thing for everyone involved. It’s a matter of trust. I worked with the staff at my mom’s facility, but I never did their work for them. She got exemplary care.
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Ivegotsunshine Feb 24, 2019
Yes, I’ve done a lot of the work . Just writing this down gave me that very thought. It’s rough letting go. I hope things will change, I don’t really trust enough. It’s because of what I’ve been through. I’m trying not to go spend 1/2 day everyday there. I want to be with her so badly, I want to be the one who does for her, help them. She is in a much better facility now, the fear and anxiety have a total hold on me. I told her I’d never put her in a home, and I know my mom I used to have would understand that. It’s getting it in my head.
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Why do you feel you need to go with her? Is she calmer when your around? Me, I was so glad someone else was doing the job.
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Ivegotsunshine Feb 24, 2019
Yes, much calmer. I almost lost my mom to a UTI. She has a quick witted personality. Always joking. In the hospital she slept the entire 10 days, night and day. I questioned the medication. So they cut back on it. Now, she has been started on something that won’t make her sleep so much. I had a CNA roll her eyes at me when I asked for a pull-up, bc I needed to change her. (she was still in the one I put her in the night before. I knew that bc of an accidental tear in it, It was soaked, her sweater, pants, blanket. ) she got caught not taking care of my mom, I reported her to the social worker at the home, then, 2nd time to report her left in urine, then CNA refused to even look at me. My mom is afraid of water, whirlpool, but yes I calm her. I had a doctors appt on the day of her bath and could not be there with her. Well, my mom slapped the CNA ... I know this young lady works two jobs, and each day she drags into work. After this incident I have been told I can not go into the bathroom with her. She has a fungus on her scalp. She hasn’t been bathed in over a week. Her scalp medication is due 3 times weekly. It was getting better, but yesterday she was scratching it worse. I offered to sign a waiver saying if I fell, I would not sue the home. The administrator was to call me back Thursday after I finally gave up waiting for her to come out of a meeting. I haven’t heard since. I want the best care for my mom, before I didn’t speak up, she ended up with a UTI and clots in her legs, now I speak up, and I’m afraid my mom is getting abused. Last Sunday I got a call she had hurt her finger and it was bruised, when I got there it was her whole hand, purple and swollen. Her opposite hand was brushed also. No one knew what happened... I’m a mess. I can’t bring her to my home, bc of my fibro, hip and arthritis in my hip which was replaced 20 years ago . My husband has had 5 back surgeries. I guess I just needed to vent to someone who may be in a similar situation. I don’t want complain and my mom get hurt. Yet, I’ve spoken up and it seems like in ways they are making my life harder therefore I’m afraid for her.
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Have you asked them?

Why would you not want your mother to become used to the experienced folks who do this for a living at the NH?
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