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Hello, I posted a few days ago about my older and only sibling refusing to help my 90+ parents. I provide pt care giving which is wearing me out. I am not mega rich but I have my personal financials in order. I don't need an inheritance from them. Their largest asset is their house. If they need AL or a medical care facility, I want the house to be sold for their care. I received great advice about getting paperwork in order, namely a POA, etc.


https://www.agingcare.com/questions/sibling-refuses-to-help-90-parents-what-to-do-452253.htm


I had asked my parents six months ago, after being badgered by their doctors for a year, whether they wanted to remain on life support. I was also curious about the process after they die of what to do. What kind of funeral they want, where it should be, etc.


My dad told me the will was in a safe deposit box which my brother and I both have permission to access together. My dad has a lockbox at home. He and my brother have a key to it. I knew dad did but didn't know about brother having one. My dad said my brother will open the box at the time of their deaths. It's just papers according to dad. I thought nothing of it then.


I questioned my dad yesterday about getting a POA. I wanted to involve my brother, etc. I asked him if I could see what was in the lockbox and the safe deposit box. My very sharp dad started to stumble and stutter. The lockbox has no lock. I could go inside anytime I wanted. (Not true. It's locked. I don't want to invade anyone's privacy by going into their bedroom & attempting to open it.) I challenged him. The answers he gave me made no sense.


I am guessing my brother has sole POA across the board. I'm not sure. My dad's behavior is making me think they are hiding something from me. I don't believe my parents or brother are obligated to tell me that a POA is done already.


Is there any way to find out if there was a POA filed? If anyone knows if this is possible, I'd appreciate it. I'm in California if that helps. Thanks!

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So, your mom has Borderline Personality Disorder. And your dad? Does he have dementia or other cognitive issues?

You are between a rock and a hard place. You are being asked to give of yourself in a situation in which you have no authority, in which docs and other professionals are asking you to make choices and decisions that you have no standing to make.

I come from a relatively functional family in which everything was transparent. Brother had financial POA and although the rest of us had no insight into parents' finances, no one was being asked to give up their lives. When mom needed care, it was paid for. None of us was expected to or offered to do unpaid hands on care.

I would be upfront with your family and move on with your life. Tell them that you are now bowing out of the tasks that you have taken on.

It was your parents' responsibility to prepare for their old age. Not yours.
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MMasonSt Sep 2019
Thx for your response. My dad is very sharp and has no mental health issues. I asked him directly, and told me he doesn't know about a Power of Attorney. I should ask my brother. Dad told me it shouldn't matter in any regard. He called me ungrateful and not a proper daughter.

I think it's more lies and attacks to badger me to stay.

Your suggestion is great. I will do that exactly and take a long break from contacting any of them.
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I suspect in your dad's worldview, "proper" daughters don't ask questions; they simply serve.

Surprise him.
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Jada824 Sep 2019
It seems like sons are always the favored child.
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When we, as a family, got to a point where mom's "emergencies" became a burden to me, I said "I can't do this any more". After some contention, she agreed to move into a nice facility we found for her.

There was NEVER any question that any one of us (there are three kids and spouses) should give up jobs or significant parts of our lives to "serve" mom's needs; mom's money was there to pay for her care. If there hadn't been money, we would have relied upon government entitlements. We, her adult kids, need to work, pay our mortgages and save for OUR retirements.

Look, even so, there were extra jobs, weekend employment, etc., that I couldn't do because of mom. There WAS some sacrifice. But it was always shared and there was never any secrecy.

I think you very much need a break. Walk away now for your own sanity.
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"Not obligated" Maybe not, but it causes a lot of wasted time. All the poster wants to know is if a POA has been assigned. All her father has to say is yes or no. I really don't understand the secrecy. I was POA because I was living in the same town. One brother in another state the other probably didn't want the responsibility anyway. Both were made aware that I would be POA and Executor. Both have thanked me for caring for Mom.

The poster has good reasons why a POA is needed. I don't think OP care who it is just that there is one.
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MMasonSt Sep 2019
Yes. I am not concerned with who has it or what type(s). I want these things done as the prudent thing to do with 90+ old parents. I sent an email asking my sibling if he has any POA's in his name. If so, I requested a copy.

I respect my parents' wishes of whatever they have done. If there are loose ends, I want he, my parents (doing what they want), and I to tie them up so all is done now while they are of sound mind.

I will not contest or go behind anyone's back. I value transparency.
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My brother refuses to do any caretaking. That was my issue. He's here two hours a week for dinner. He's done 3 small handyman chores around the yard in the last 12 months. That's it.

Every week, I drive and help my parents grocery/Walmart shopping, drive them to the bank, take them to doctor appointments and sit in with the doctor & the parent so I understand their care needs, clean around the house, take them on little drives around the area so they don't get cabin fever, etc.

I have asked my brother to help. He says he will but never shows up. I've asked him kindly to meet with me go to discuss future care and any documents which need to be gone over for parents care. He puts it off.

He needs money from the inheritance. I don't. I do it out of concern but am totally burned out. I can't take care of two elderly people and do my own life.

If he has total POA, then I'm not sticking around. It's really unfair to not be told things. I feel used.
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I think you see the real situation....i also understand you want your parents well taken care of. However, you have no “authority “ to legally do anything other than give up your life to do the hard work this involves. In your position, i would tell my parents and your brother that you have done all you can to help them, but for your own health and sanity, you will no longer continue to do so. This is a bad situation that your parents and brother have put upon you. Only you can change any of it. Stop doing it all and go live your life....i agree the three of them are not being truthful with you. If you stop all this nonsense, then your brother, as poa, will be forced to step up and either place them in al or hire the work done for them. If you do want to continue, then have a caregiver contract drawn up so that you are paid from their funds. If it were me, in the same situation, i would bow out now while you still can have a life.....and remember, no is a complete sentence.....love and blessings to you.
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Simply put, I would ask your dad to see it. No reason to maneuver around be direct. You should know how to manipulate him to get what you want.
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Hi again, MMason. My own Financial Power of Attorney is filed in my brother's attorney's office, and with me. It is not otherwise filed anywhere.
MMason, do you know who currently is managing their financial affairs? Their checking, bill paying, home care, insurance payments, and etc.? Are they still doing it? If they are still doing it and have made out papers for the future that would be a DPOA. But if your brother is doing all that for them now, then he is their current POA for Financial. You are likely correct, that he is, if he is POA for financial, then also POA for health care for both of them.
Is there a reason that you cannot ask your brother if he is currently POA for Financial and POA for Health care for your Mom and Dad? Would he not answer you if you nicely asked him. Just say you need to know that Mom and Dad are safe and protected and could he just let you know if he is their POA, and acting as such at this time?
That would save so much time and trouble, and it would take so much off your plate. Trust me, my bro's stuff is small and tidy, and it is STILL an almost daily pain in the butt. You can get it all ironed out with entities who to call and send POA papers and all of that, and some computer the following month just flips it all on its side again. I absolutely HATE it, and at this point feel it is the only thing I CAN do for my bro, and that I agreed to do it, and that I have handled some of the worst of it. But I wish I had a another bro I could push it off on.
If your brother is POA, then he is likely also executor if anything happens to them. Let him be, and be glad it isn't you. Your parents could just be that old fashioned breed that believes "the boy does that" and you dust the furniture and make casseroles?
Don't also know if they have a Trust or a Will. Wills have to be filed for probate. Trusts don't. Upon death the executor handles the dispursals as the Trust dictates.
Are your parents aware that the brother doesn't share stuff with you? Have you voiced to them that you fear, if something does happen to them, you may never hear from your bro again.
This is such a good thread to tell people that when they do wills they should explain them to all family together and tell them where copies are found.
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A lawyer will help you if you need to find out if there is a POA in place through discovery. Mine found out that sibling had recently taken mom with dementia to a lawyer for a new DPOA & amended trust.

If family is being sneaky their Up to no good!
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My husband is DPOA for his brother A, and another brother B is medical POA for brother A. They are each the backup POA for the other in case one of them is no longer able or willing to fulfill the duties. They both had to sign both documents acknowledging their roles and responsibilities. The signature may just be needed in certain states, but I find it hard to believe that a POA can just be assigned without agreeing to serve and acknowledging it by signiong the document. POA is not filed in our state, however. I suspect DFad may have chosen brother as POA but thinks your feelings might be hurt so that's why he's being evasive. Unless Dad explicitly told your brother not to tell you he is POA, he ought to be willing to tell you if he is since you have mutual concenrns about your parents well-being.
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You might ask your brother first if he has a copy.   If he's been named as Proxy, he should have one.  

In fact, I don't understand when I read that people don't even know they've been appointed.  My attorney required us to acknowledge and accept the responsibility, and that was part of the DPOA.  

Not having a copy could be a result of using an Internet or some other form not prepared by an attorney.

Perhaps if your father wanted you to know, he'd volunteer to show you the contents of the lockbox.   I have a feeling your brother is proxy, and your father just wants to protect you from being hurt.

But someone needs to know the contents if it becomes necessary for someone to step in and manage his affairs.  Contact your brother.
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MMasonSt Sep 2019
If I ask, he won't tell me. I think my parents and brother want to get free help from me, who they think is a dumb, easy-to-fool woman.

I'll ask my dad. If he hems and haws again, then I know that things have been hidden from me on purpose.
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