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she is 83 yr old and has severe dementia. She hasn't been home which is 125 miles from here in over 50 years. She determined to go get a place to stay by herself with her furniture. I been caring for her for 4 years and she lived with me over 20 yrs. I don't know what to tell her to make her calm and realize that she cannot go back home. How do you stop her from being so angry that she not getting her way? If I can just get through her to make her understand and accept that she cannot go back. I keep telling her we'll go in a few days but I need help with this one. I am desperate and trying all my will to take care of her to the very end.

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agedtchr You are special for doing this for your parents they both need you. Your husband must be a good man as well, to go along with this move and keep this in mind when times get tuff, this alone is a huge sacrifice for both of you. Sometimes we are left with no choice, yet I have seen children of parents in need of care, choose denial instead of care and they are the ones that suffer in the end. Hate to tell ya but none of us have a guanteed plan, so day by day is the best way to feel a sense of accomplishment. Don't set high goals in otherwords, if Mom and Dad are safe and well as can be today, and you close your eyes to go to sleep knowing you did your best careing for them for another day, no matter what the drama of the day was you will rest easy and with peace in your heart. Don't punish yourself if things like vacuming get neglected or dishes are dirty for a bit. Congrats to you if take time for yourself, it is allowed. I see you have faith in GOD as long as you keep Faith and keep your loved ones best interest in your heart you will be Blessed!!! From my own expierience I truely believe this.
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thanks so much for all these posts - my mother is 90 with dementia and my Dad is 93 and pretty darn healthy - just not quite able to care for Mom all the time anymore. My husband and I have just moved in with then to be caregivers - of course, he is still working, so its me:) I feel like I have dropped down the rabbit hole where my Mom is my child - trying to figure out this all works - trying to cope - Thank God for God:)
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wuvsicecream, That was a great thought! i also care for an 83 yr old mom with dementia and one of the hardest, emotionally, things i deal with is her asking to go "home" or asking where she lives. The reason I took her out of a NH 4 years ago was because whenever i called her she always gried on the phone that she wanted to "come Home'.
It's heartbreaking every time, but I have gotten into the habit of keeping things light and explaining that we are home, I mention the town we live in and the nieghbors around us, talk about how ong we and the pets have lived here, and subtly try to change the subject.
I believe you're right that when they ask to go home, it is because they are asking to return to the comfort and familiarity that the dementia has taken away.
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I just realized something in reading these posts again. Like Dorothy in the wizard of OZ "Theres no place like Home" The minute a person with dementia opens thier eyes in the morning, it must be like a dream. Where am I, who are these people, how did I get here? Everyday does not continue from the day before. They want to rewind the movie and be back in Kansas, where they recognize everything the way it was before they went to sleep. What is reality to us is like OZ to them we have to give them brains, courage, heart. If we can assist without making them feel brainless and comfort so they don't feel scared and love so they can love back. For example : ask questions that they know the answer to...what's your address or birthday no matter right or wrong say yes that'll give them a sense of feeling brainy. An abilty to do something they are afraid of even if it is just a conversation to make them remember a past event that was courageous. Stories they repeat and remember or even family memories that make them happy like childhood pets,photos or longtime friends, conversations about these subjects like it is a current event may bring back thier heart. Maybe it will be comforting to them if we try to understand thier new reality instead of making them fit into our reality.
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Hello! Don't despair. My mother is 83 and also has dementia. We just put her in assisted living. She often talks about "going home" and talks about her Aunt and her grandparents. I would suggest you listen and maybe talk her through it. Don't get angry because she doesn't know any better, it's her mind. My mom lived with my sister for a while and my sister would listen and try to divert her attention, like a child. Ah, these are hard times on us all but keep the faith and love her.
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Wow I could have asked this very same question. I just find comfort knowing that I am not alone dealing with the "I want to go home" dilemma. In addition, my Mom hates the NH she is in and thinks everybody who cares for her is stupid! The NH is wonderful and so are the caregivers in my opinion. Unfortunately I am 3,000 miles away and can only talk with her a couple of times a week by phone. Redirecting is difficult and not always successful. Sometimes I just have to say good bye and hang up the phone.

I have come to understand that Mom wouldn't be happy, no matter where she was. Her sadness and anger really upsets both of us. The doctor finally prescribed medication that seems to help her mood swings, but that can be tricky and needs to be monitored closely.

The hardest thing to do is to come to terms with what is happening to our loved one. This is an awesome website to share your frustrations. Good luck, God Bless you.
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This is one of our major challenges as well. I think one key thing is to realize you cannot "get through to her and make her understand" if she has dementia. Her ability to reason is gone. Or if it returns for a bit, it will disappear again. When you find yourself appealing to her reasoning, you are heading down the wrong path (and I still catch myself traveling this path). My mom often wants to go home, and she IS home. She's in the house where she has lived for 46 years....I've read that for some folks, what they are wanting when they say they want to go home is to feel safe and comfortable and OK. Now how do you help them feel that when they are losing their mind? I don't know. It's hard. It helped when the weather was icy here..."Mom, I'm sorry, but we just have to stay here tonight; it's just too dangerous to go out." I mostly try to completely change the subject. I find a video of an old gospel group on Youtube or show her photos of her great-grandkids or start reading a recipe from a magazine and asking her opinion on it. And when she won't be distracted and is really angry about not going home, I just sympathize and say, "I'm sorry. I know this isn't where you want to be. We just have to sleep here tonight." So far she has never balked at getting into her bed. She does recognize it.
Last summer and fall, we sometimes loaded into the car and went for a drive, and that did the trick.
Oh, and the funny thing is, she's continually amazed that no matter where she goes (remember, she is always in the same house; she just thinks she is in different places), her toothbrush is there! Yup, Mom, it's a toothbrush miracle. :)
"I want to go home" is really a very frustrating thing, and I haven't figured out how to deal with it all the time; I guess maybe I've come to more peace about not being able to deal with it.
Good luck.
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It may help you to know this is very common. Noone can really understand what goes on in the minds of those confused this way. My Mom at one point thought that no matter who's house she was in, it was her house. She stayed at my sister's one night and she yelled at my nephews and told them do get out of her house, when they were home they laughed it off knowing she was not right, they didn't argue with her or even bother to comfort her being teens they handled it thier way. She eventually gave up and went to sleep. In a way I think we as caregivers take everything to heart, we want to please and make them happy. Sometimes they ask the impossible and that's just what it is. So it may help to change the subject by keeping her busy, play a song she will recognize from the old days ask her to name one, or even a movie from the old days. They are stuck with old memories and music is a distraction and unbelievably sticks like glue to memory. I witness this at Mom's NH... christmas time everyone was singing White Christmas and those who always look like "there's noone home" even sang or moved to the music. My Mom now thinks her room at the NH is her home, one day she kept saying I wanna go home then I led her to her room and she went to bed. Then I realized her home is where her bed is. If you can try not to get upset and stressed if you can't make her happy
about the requests if you can't satisfy them sometimes you just can't.
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Very tough situation. I'm sorry you are going throught this. you can keep telling her you will take her later but she will keep forgetting. mabe when she gets really bad she needs to get out of the house. Is it possible to take her somwhere on an outing or drive? Or maybe a walk would be safer? Just a thought. Also you might try talking to her Dr. mabe there is a medicine that can help calm her. Does this happen more in the eve night? maybe she is experincing sundowners syndrome. Good luck to you. If all else fails talk to somone or vent on here it really helps.
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