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My mom had a cat scan, ( normal), blood work, (normal), urinalysis ( normal). She is not normal however, verbally abusive to my dad, accuses him cheating, poisoning her, moving things, etc. He tries overlook it. I want to get help, but does dad have to make the call? They live at their own home & are 76. She also thinks house is bugged & people follow them.

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Perhaps you need to look at this a little differently. If it was your mom that was the passive one and your dad was out of control you would probably move heaven and earth to save her from the abuse. Unfortunately men who are abused by their loved ones get no sympathy, but in reality are often even more vulnerable because they can not fight back without the blame falling on him. Even though he loves her and wants to maintain the status quo I think you should look into separate living arrangements for them, even if only temporarily. She would not be able to fool staff at an assisted living facility if she was there any length of time, and perhaps it would be the impetuous needed to get her some help.
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Will dad vent here? It might help him to see what others in his shoes are doing to get their loved ones the help they need.

You need to get dad to see that there is help for her and it's not a loony bin or sedatives. He needs to get himself educated so he can help her.
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If mom wants a divorce, could dad get her to a cooperative geriatric psychiatrist using the ruse of "marriage counseling"? Would mom be amenable to taking meds?

If something like that won't work, can you investigate an involuntary psychiatric evaluation? You might go with your father to visit a geriatric to describe mom's symptoms. Dad probably needs antidepressants at this point, and it would probably do him good to get a professional opinion on HIS ability to cope with this ongoing abuse.

With a demented mom and a passive dad, it sounds as though you're going to have to be the grownup here!
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Calling APS is only going to help I'd dad tells them "I can't live like this anymore". It sounds like he's not willing to do that.

Your mom has dementia. Her brain is broken (alternatively, she's got some kind of mental illness that is causing paranoia). You are not going to convict her of anything; she is apparently past the reasoning stage.

If your dad is her full time caregiver, HE'S the one to worry about, and to work on. One third of all caregivers die before the person they are caring for does. This is especially true of older spouses. He needs to see that the best way he can express his love right now is by getting her to a new doctor; whether it's a geriatrician, a neurologist who specializes in dementia or a geriatric psychiatrist, any of them will have better ideas than her GP. Just make sure you or dad slips the doctor a list of symptoms beforehand.
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Thks so much for this help! You are angels. There is no internet in their home, but I can let him read my tablet & see the suggestions.She says she won't take 1 more pill.The geriatric psychiatrist sounds promising. I agree he may need an antidepressant. He has spoken of this driving him to his grave. They gave had a rocky 58 yr marriage. They've called on me several times to intervene & they pull thru. She's always ruled the roost. She's angry because she thinks he's cheating & poisoning her & for dropping lint & paper on the floor(strange). I won't call APS. Thanks again. I have things to try. I hope she doesn't shoot it diwn.
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Theresa, you mention "one more pill". Have a talk with their pharmacist to make sure there is no drug interaction that could cause these symptoms, or a particular drug whose side effects include paranoia.

In any event, make dad the focus of the intervention, especially as regards the psychiatrist. It might make her want to go.

Also are you certain she's taking her current meds properly?
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What is she like when she's at your house? Is she calmer? Do you treat her differently than he does? What nurse spoke to you about mom? Glad the pistol is gone!
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APS often but not always does the right thing. Now here's the rub- you would actually be calling APS *on your dad* for not getting your mom into the psychiatric care she needs...dad is not a vulnerable adult being abused against his will. It could reach a point where that is exactly what your dad needs someone to do if he can;t see fit to get or allow someone else to get her into care and it escalates to the point of one of them being homicidal or suicidal.
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I would concentrate on getting your Dad safe. Look at assisted living for he and Mom, separate units, memory care for her. Then plan their move the next time Mom stays with you. They may not like the idea, but sounds like the best option to me. Your Mom, as his spouse is also entitled to Aid and Assistance thhrough the VA and it would help to pay for facility living whether it is a VA facility or another.
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Convince, not convict!
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