My dad is 80. He is in the last stages of AML (leukemia). My mom won't let a nurse in to help us. My dad is in pain and doesn't have pain medicine. My mom has martyr syndrome. She is 80 and obese in poor health and a hurt back. I'm a 50 year old single mom with two wonderful, awesome boys. She has to do everything for my very sick dad. She hurts herself in the process and she brags about it. My dad keeps falling out of a high bed and she takes 4 hours to get him up. One time last week she fell on him hit her head and back, and broke her finger, and was sooo proud that she got him up, and said she was laughing when she fell on him. I had to take her to the ER AT 1:00 am. I had to go there the other night at 4 am to pick him up the floor. It was so hard for me, and my mom had already worked 3 hours to get him up. My dad is 208 and to get off the couch she pulls and pulls. There are stairs and both of them can barley get up them! I have to be there at 7 when he wakes up because he falls out of bed. They refuse to use the bed they got with rails because my dad said " just put me in that bed to die." He is still fighting to live even though he's in hospice. My dad had a port put in and it's like surgery. He fell out of bed and the ambulance came and they said they had to take him in to get checked. He had fallen at 1 am then she tried for hours to get him up, couldn't lift and left him on the floor till my other brother came. Again the ambulance came. She lied and said he just fell then my dad said he fell at 1 am. He said he hasn't slept on the floor since Vietnam. He had a high fever and his oxygen levels were very low. The hospital admitted him for 2 nights. My mom didn't even check on him when he was on the floor. (this all happened in the last 8 weeks).
Doctor said no Xanax because it kills healthy white cells and other reasons, and she gives him them to sleep and when he wakes up to pee. This is because she needs to use his Ambien. I begged her to get a nurse and she said "ohh my back is killing me I can't believe how I helped your dad, look at my bruise! " She is just like a child! they have the means to get help. Also, They are extremely private.
My dad FULLY supports her. He says "no let your mom do it." I tell him she's hurting herself with bruises all over her body. He ignores me. They have been married 62 years.
So I called and complained to the doctors nurse. I said my mom won't get outside help and she insists on doing everything. I said you didn't explain the last stage to them so could get prepared...... I swear! I never thought they would call Adult services. I also was laughing saying my mom's lost it. (I've spoken to this nurse many times.) I was joking around. My brother who hasn't helped at all and goes to his ranch, happened to be there when APS Called to open up an investigation.
My brother told my sister to tell me that if I go near them they will call the police. The 6 brothers and sisters won't talk to me, even my sister Brenda whom I'm close to. My dad is my very best friend. (my only friend and only support) He was always there for me when I had any problems. We were together almost every day for years! We ate breakfast, went for 2 hour hikes then lunch. My mom goes to bed at 3am and gets up at 4 PM. I'm devastated because my dad is so hurt that I did that to them and I won't be able to be there at the end to say good bye.
This was yesterday and today mom called me!!!! I didn't answer because I'm scared of what she's going to say. It's not "I'm sorry" because she doesn't say I'm sorry. She won't say we have changed because they won't. Should I call her back?
(I'm so glad I found this forum! and sorry the question is so long but it really felt good to vent!!! )
IF dad is competent, there's not a heck of a lot you can do, I'm sorry. The way mom treats him is his 'norm', as appalling as it is to the rest of us.
My mother lives with my YB. He has very strict rules about who and who is not allowed to see her. He's threatened me with the police many times, because he won't allow me to clean her apartment and it's filthy and gross... before last year and a bout with cancer, I stopped. Used to be, I would just go ahead and plow through until he'd chase me off the property.
I was 'allowed' to wash 3 windows for her for Mother's Day. And the whole time mother was saying "you've got to get done before R gets home." So I am sneaking around her place CLEANING. My sis and I want her to spend a day at our youngest sister's place for about 12 hours and we can really clean this place out.
Answer mom's call. If she's belligerent, hang up. If she's kind and will talk calmly, speak to her.
I think APS was called on MOM's well being. You aren't even involved. My brother has been called many times for elder abuse and he has blamed me for it most of the time. (It actually was my sister, once, and different neighbors the other times.
APS did nothing, but write up a report.
Sorry you have been banned from going over. Maybe Mom was asking you to come back because she realizes how much you did. Actually, ur siblings have no right to ban u. Dad and Mom are competent and can make their own decisions.
For now let things cool down. The hospice staff may now see what really goes on and report things.
It sounds like you come from a family in which family issues were never supposed to be talked about with outsiders. That happens a lot when there is dysfunctionality, addiction and abusive relationships.
Talking to a trained and dispassionate professional will allow you to better navigate losing your dad.
Being an adult means doing the right thing even if it makes others angry.
Your mother is not giving your dad adequate medical care. She's abusing his meds. His pain is not being treated. You made an attempt to remedy that..
Your mother may be angry at you because you've exposed her addiction and other dysfunctionalities in your family. Call her. If she is abusive, hang up. Don't subject yourself to abuse from anyone.
I understand that you are torn between being a supportive daughter and pointing out the dangers of what your mom was doing. Ultimately, if your parents are competent, they are allowed to make their own bad choices. You can't always fix situations like this when there is long standing mental illness and codependence.
I'm so sorry that you are going through this angst, along with the sadness that dad is dying. Hospice generally has sympathetic staff to talk with. Call them and see if they have a shoulder for you to lean on at this difficult time.