When do you call it quits and put your Mom in nursing home?

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Currently living in our home with Alzheimer's. I have three siblings that agreed to take care of twelve hrs per day and my wife and I would give up our privacy, move her into our home and take care of her the second twelve hours per day. Two of the siblings bombed within 5 weeks, drinking and drugging. The third is on his way. My wife is at the point that it is affecting her health, physical and mental. It is also not doing me much good. Mom is physically in good health but needs 24hr supervision. Finances are getting low. Although we do not know how much more we can take, we are feeling guilty about looking into nursing homes.

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Even though my MIL was in a $7000+ a month AL we had to hire 24 hour care for her after she fell and damaged an eye requiring eyedrops every 2 hours. It would have been easier if she was with us and we could have hired care for let's say 15 hours a day. You can spend on a AL or just hire some help. Of course, if there are no funds available......
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PS - has her bone density been evaluated and treated? This can be done and is commonly overlooked.
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7K a month seems steep - you might do better. And if you are determined to keep her home, look for any kind of community-based waiver programs that would give you soem in-home care. 7K a month would buy you some substantial respite and let you ignore the sibling's bad behavior.
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Maggie, I do not think a trust will protect assets from paying expenses related to care for a spouse even if married later in life. My mom had a trust drawn up 15 years ago that instructed the assets were to be used for her care first, any remainder was inheritance. Then Mom married a high school beau eight years ago. They also have a prenuptial agreement. But, Medicaid does not consider prenuptials, one is responsible for the other unless other processes are followed.

Folks, encourage your folks to live together in sin. While my Mom's social security benefit will increase if he passes first, they have to be married for 10 years for that rule to go into effect. And when you marry at 80 what are the chances that both will live another 10 years?!
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I'm sorry you had a disappointing experience with your mother's AL - the costs are dizzying, especially when your mother doesn't seem to be getting what she's supposed to have paid for. Don't let it put you off all of them, though. They do vary, and you need to make allowances for 'teething troubles' too. Best of luck with the plans.
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Thanks for all of your answers. Here are a few more details on our situation. Until 11/13 my mother was living on her own. Then she fell and broke her hip. She had that fixed and went to a rehab. The first night, she tried to get out of bed to go to the bathroom. She had forgotten that she was not supposed to get up. She fell and broke her femur, just below the repair she had 3 days prior. Off to another hospital for special procedure. All went well and had her moved to a different rehab. Based on what we were told by the therapists, we expected her to be there for at least 3 months. All of a sudden, after 6 weeks, they told us she was ready to leave the following week. Since we were not prepared to bring her home, we opted to put her in AL for memory impaired, at a cost of almost $7000 per month. She was supposed to have daily activities but since they were under staffed, she rarely got to do anything except watch movies with the other 4 people in her ward. She was clearly not happy and called constantly begging us to get her home. My wife and I agreed to convert our garage into an apt for her with the proviso that my siblings would take care of the day shifts. Two of them were unemployed and the other was self employed with no work. We put all of the safeguards in place including cameras, alarms on doors, keyed entry and exit, etc.
As I said, two of my siblings decided to continue their lifestyle of drinking and drugging with in 5 weeks and the third is on his way back to drinking. My wife was not supposed to have to deal with any of this unless I could not be there at night. My mother is in good health, knows who everyone is but is sometimes confused on where she is, what she had for lunch 5 minutes prior and is a fall risk. Her dementia is getting worse however. The reason we wanted to move her back home was to give her the best quality of life possible for as long as we could before she slipped away, mentally. She is on medicare right now. I am going to see an elder law atty on Friday to start the ball rolling toward medicaid for when the time comes that she will have to go to a nursing home.

I know this is a long comment but I guess I'm just venting.
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You stop calling yourself a quitter, for a start.

If your mother has full-blown dementia but is in good physical health, the average family home is not a safe place for her to be: she is a serious accident waiting to happen. So not only is this situation not good for your wife, or for you, and sounds as if it's been the last straw for your siblings one by one, most important of all it's not right for your mother. The earlier your mother moves to a dementia care setting the better her chances are of doing well there. Start looking now.
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The time to put a loved one in a "nursing home," is BEFORE you move them into your home, in my opinion. Most homes are not handicapped equipped, nor do they have ramps or doors for walkers and wheel chairs. (Mother is 95, my MIL is 91) Private care facilities have 3 shifts of registered care givers, to help your loved ones. (Even those workers get 2 days off per week.)

And I know I say this (because it happened in my family), what if the patient outlives you? Someone will move mom or dad, then. I say make it happen, now.

I don't think families should worry about cost, until they have checked it out. The nursing homes are full of people, that I know are not wealthy. Most everyone does need full-time care, at some point. I think that we need to plan on it.
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Yes, some of the places I have looked at are very nice. This one particular Memory Care facility, looked like a vacation resort.

They are trained to focus on people with dementia. That is very important. I have heard that it might not be a good thing if the resident is not advanced in dementia, but I wish I had gone that route in the beginning, because a sharp decline can cause you to need to switch quickly. In hindsight, I would go with a Dementia Unit from the beginning.
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Go tour some residential facilities and see for yourself. It's not the state home for mentally incompetent like it was in the 1970s. These places look like hotels with nice furnishings, carpet, lights, dining rooms that look like restaurants. The one my mom was in for a while was like a cruise ship that didn't go anywhere. Activities, housekeeping, laundry, 20 meals a month, wifi, 55 Dish channels, outings. They had a beauty shop, gift shop, PT room, visits from the post office, the library, pet therapy, musicians, theme nights for suppers, cocktail hours. I wanted to move in but was told I'm far too young. You could add on services like medication setup, reminders, help getting dressed.

My mom didn't setup her bank accounts ahead of time, so we are just paying cash out until it's all gone, selling a piece of property, and using up all her assets until there are none. Then it will be Medicaid.
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