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My grandmother has Alzheimer and we recently found out that my step-grandfather who is married to my grandmother is having an affair with the caregiver that is taking care of my grandmother. The caregiver isn't contracted by any company. I have screenshots of my step-grandfather posting pictures on his facebook of my grandmother nurse calling her "his love" and calling her family his inlaws and stating he's found his better half, while currently my grandmother is still living and they are still married living in the same house. My grandmother has completely stopped eating and is pretty much skin and bones! We believe the caregiver is now living in my grandmother house and also brought in her little son too. My step-grandfather is keeping us away from seeing my grandmother also, and has also taken us off of every assets my grandmother has promised us when she was in the right state of mind. what can we do If he is having adultery and infidelity and is just waiting for my grandmother to die to take all her assets? We are in Texas. My grandmother stays in a room all day, we're not even sure if she showers. My father tried to speak to my grandmother on the phone today and she didn't want to speak because she said my father hits her. My father than ask my grandmother if someone is hitting her over there and she didn't respond.

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Relax, grandma has Alzheimer's she does not u understand what is going on, asking her if she is being hit will not provide reliable information.. If you suspect step grandpa is setting himself up to take grandma's assets or already has, then call APS. BUT leave out the part about your belief that he is having an affair. APS is required by law to investigate complaints, they will not give you details of their investigtion, but it is a place to start.
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We are trying to get my father to be her guardianship, we've spoke with a lawyer and waiting for a call back to see what to do next. The last time we were able to see my grandmother she had a small black eye. We asked my step-grandfather what happened, His response she fell out the wheel chair. But she didn't have any other bruises on her body, but the eye.

If I could post a picture of my grandmother I would. I took a picture of her one of the times we were able to visit and she was skin and bones! She's lost more weight since then.
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As gladimhere says, APS can investigate a suspicion that grandma isn't being taken care of, evidenced by her obvious weight loss. Weight loss does occur in dementia, but they can investigate if it is from lack of being given food. You can say that you are worried about bruises and that she told you she is being hit.

It won't matter to APS that step-GP is in love with the caregiver UNLESS that leaves your vulnerable GM at risk.
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Chris, black eyes just happen sometimes. My stepdad took Coumadin which makes them very bruise susceptible as does any blood thinner. He got a black eye just from rubbing his eye either bit too hard or in just the wrong way. He had bruises everywhere. Do you ever ask stepgp what you can do to help? Are you accusatory or confrontational with him? Try compassion it works very well.

Weight loss with dementia is quite common, they forget how to eat and sometimes just will not. Force feeding her would be abuse and could cause aspiration pneumonia.
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My husband took a blood thinner. When he developed dementia he fell down a lot. Or simply stumbled into walls or tables, etc. He was one solid mass of purple, yellow, and green bruises! I had to take him to urgent care once and the doctor was absolutely appalled. It really did look like evidence of abuse. But it was our clinic, so the doctor could see his medical records and he accepted our explanation.

I don't understand why, but people with dementia often experience sudden and extreme weight loss. For my husband, that just put him at a more healthy weight. For someone starting out at a good weight that can be worrying.

If you think there is abuse and neglect going on, ask APS for a welfare check. But as Glad points out, what you are seeing might be explained as a result of GM's dementia, and not be abuse at all.

You are understandably upset that stepGP seems to be having an affair with GM's caregiver, right under GM's nose. (Do you know, by the way, if GM knows this, and what her attitude about it is?) Be mad about that! But try not to let it color everything you see in their home.
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chrissy89, I don't know if you know this but a person who has Alzheimer's/ Dementia are very prone to telling stories that have zero merit.

When my parents lived at home alone, they both had a fair share of black/blue and red marks on their arms and face.   As one ages their skin becomes thin and the slightest bump can cause such a bruise.   One day my Mom had a blue/blue/red bruise on the side of her face, very typical of falling into a piece of furniture.

Once my Mom went into long-term-care, she was telling the wildest stories, saying this person or that person was hitting her.   And she was still getting bruises from falling out of her wheelchair, or trying to stand up to walk and bumping into her hospital bed.   And as people age, they do start to lose weight, unless they were very heavy to begin with, then we don't notice the weight loss as quickly.

When my Mom passed, all the assets went to my Dad, which is usually the norm.   Same with both sets of my grandparents.   Now material things were saved to hand out to the grandchildren.

Now, the caregiver could be 100% innocent.   Could be that Grandfather might have a touch of dementia, thus he is imagining that the caregiver and him are an item, and is bragging on FaceBook.   Who knows, the caregiver might be appalled if she knew he was saying such things.
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FF, I hadn't considered that the affair might be a figment of stepG's imagination. Stranger things have happened. Caregiver may have moved in with her child so that she could be there 24/7 and take care of them both!
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If you truly expect such things, you should get on a plane, and go visit! Only tbem, will you know the real truth! Then call for an APS assessment of a Vulnerable Senior! Your Grandfather is old, he may be making up stories, as if he too has the beginnings of Dementia, sometimes just the little things like, "your looking healthy today", might be misconstrued, and he may be suffering from idea's of grandure, that a younger lady is paying him some attention. Her bringing her child to work, may well be a cover for her against unwanted attention from him.

But if you are correct, and something untoward is happening to Granny, then do something about it!

He shouldn't be holding her hostage, from seeing her family!
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Thank you for all the advice! I really do appreciate it all! My stepg doesn't have dementia. My grandm is 87 years old and my stepg is 57years old. My grandm we're not sure if she knows or not, they keep her in a room from what my stepg has told us. My grandm was a very heavy set woman and the last time I saw her she was weighing maybe about 90lbs, maybe less. She was so thin her cheek bone was so noticeable, her arms were the size of a petite 6 or 7 year old child. My father and I was so speechless when we saw how much weight she had lost.

The caregiver that is there she is young, maybe around 27-32 years old.
It's not an imagination to my stepg about his and the caregiver affair.

The caregiver is also posting on social media about their relationship and other stuff.
WE ARE GOING TO GO THROUGH APS.
I do know people with Alzheimer/ dementia tell the wildest stories. A few times when I watched my grandm for a few hours she did speak of the wildest stories. My grandm would always tells us my stepg was sleeping with the nurse, but at that time we thought she was just speaking crazy.
The caregiver does live with him, but not because of my grandm.
We also found out all the times my stepg would go out of town he would also take the caregiver and her son to his family house and he would put my grandm in a nursing home, while he and her were out of town.
If I were to show up unannounced to my grandm house, do I or my father have the right to see my grandm or can he make us leave without seeing her? Someone told me he could call the cops on us if he wanted to.
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Yes, Chrissy grandpa could call the cops on you if he chose. That is his home.
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If you have good reason to believe that your grandmother's care needs are being neglected, you can - you ought to - call APS. Apart from anything else, if the caregiver is not experienced in dementia care specifically she may not understand that she needs to supervise eating and ensure that your grandmother is getting enough to eat *even if she doesn't request or seem to want food.* The caregiver may not realise that she's getting anything wrong.

But what your step grandfather and the caregiver get up to in their own time and space is none of your business.

Gosh. In fact, if you don't mind, I'd really rather not think about it.
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This type of behavior is unprofessional and makes me very suspicious given the age disparity between all three individuals.
As always  say follow the money!
Did stopgap marry gma for her money?
Does he have access to and is he spending lavishly on the caregiver?
Does the caregiver expect to marry stepgpa once gma is dead and hopes this is as soon as possible.
Do everything you can to protect gma and ensure proper care. Starting with APS is a good place and hopefully they would involve police if they felt something illegal is happening
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Very difficult situation. Don't assume he is abusing or neglecting her, but consider it a possibility. Are you able to take your grandmother into your home to care for her? If your stepgrandfather can't take good care of her, there needs to be a better alternative.
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Hi, when you go to APS, you should take a photo of your gm when she weighed more. Have you talked with her MD? I would try to sort out her care issues and the money issues - seek an elder care specialist lawyer even, someone to do an inquiry, documenting the care issues.

If the caregiver were giving good care, not just assuming that gm wants to stay in bed - I wouldn't care if the stepgf and caregiver bonded, it's a hard job and a lonely one, to devote one's time to care, particularly of someone with Alzheimers. But asking questions about alternative options should get the focus where it's needed, and the stepgf should know he needs to answer to her family.
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If you suspect abuse, you have a moral obligation to report. Also, if what you suggest here is true, and Grandma is mistreated now because GPa is moving on, he will probably be glad for you to take her back home with you.
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chrissy89, you seem to have accurately called out a very abusive and exploitive situation, and I am both disappointed and alarmed at those who've advised you to discount your grandmother's bruises and her complaints of abuse. This is how elder abuse begins and continues - by discrediting and even blaming the victim of the abuse. ADP isn't perfect but it is a resource. But your first step should be to spell everything out to your lawyer, which it seems you already have. Good luck with this. I know you will prevail.
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geevee, your message about elder abuse is well taken. Suspicions need to be investigated.

But it simply is true that elders bruise easily and often do things that cause bruises (fall, bump into furniture). This isn't intended to discredit anything. It is just true. Does this apply to Gma? We certainly don't know! But it is a possibility that Chrissy should be aware of as she investigates.

The same is true about complaints of abuse. Many, many of us have personally been blamed by a person with dementia for something we didn't do or that never happened.

Caring for someone with dementia is VERY different than caring for an elder whose brain isn't damaged. Chrissy suspects abuse and she is going to investigate. That is appropriate and good. She also needs to know some basic truths about dementia behavior as she moves forward.

Your point about taking elders seriously is well-taken. Dementia makes things more complicated. 
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How long ago did your GMA marry StepGrandpa? You raised a red flag when you said he's taken your names off all her assets. So your names, yours and your Dad's where on some of her assets? I assume your Dad's Father, your real Grandpa worked all his life as did GMA for what ever assets that she has. I'm thinking her new husband can wait his turn for his own inheritance from his own Father and Grandfather, especially if GMA's decisions were reversed after she began to loose touch with reality and it is a shorter term marriage. Classic gold digger marrying someone 20 years older figuring they'll kick the bucket soon and leave them all the $? Men do it too. I'd get Dad to see if he can gain legal custody, dissolve the "marriage", and get GMA to a pleasant situation in a nice care home near me. I'd worry that the younger caregiver may accidentally speed up her departure in order to get at the money? In any case I'd get her out of that situation. No one should have to experience that, whether or not they have Alzheimer's, she deserves a little peace and compassion at that age.
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Years ago I was a caretaker for a friend, in fact for 28 years I did it and learned so very much. An outside family brainwashed her and took her money and put it into their name, then hired an aide to keep her completely isolated from everyone. I could write a book on everything that happened from that point to where, months later, I had corrected all the problems and saw to it that she would be safe in every way. It was a trip to hell and back. First of all, IMMEDIATELY CONTACT THE LOCAL OFFICE ON AGING - The local library can help get you the number. Second call in a highly experienced eldercare attorney. And start documenting every call, everything you hear and see - you will need this information. Do you hold a power of attorney? Can you check with the people who held her funds to see what the transactions were? You must start digging for facts at once and make the phone calls. This is an extremely serious issue - been there, done that (and my life was threatened because I was finally able to get her funds back to my friend and into her name only). Good luck but act fast.
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Yes, please call APS to investigate this situation. It is a violation of ethical behavior for the caregiver to engage in this type of conduct. Your grandmother is in imminent danger because of her weight loss, loss of freedom, lack of hygienic care, and the possibility of violence from the others in the household. Call today. They can get to the bottom of this, and get your grandmother into an appropriate care facility. Cooperate with the APS caseworkers truthfully and fully.
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Call APS and show them the social media photos when they show up.
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Jennegibs. I totally agree with your comment that dementia complicates everything.
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I think that WHENEVER you have concerns about the welfare and well being of a vulnerable adult you have a duty to report not just morally but I think legally too. I would rather have professionals check on my mother (and they do because someone has perhaps reported me shouting at her and thinks I am abusing her when in actual fact I am shouting because if I didn't get her focus quickly she would fall) than them not call and then later find out that I was being abusive to her.

Over this side of the pond we would call it Protection or safeguarding vulnerable adults and your call would come under duty of care or a welfare check. However if you truly believe she is being neglected or physically abused then that is a police matter in the UK and again over here I would call them first given I know how long it takes a social worker to visit (currently waiting 11 months) although protection professionals will call quicker
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Call the police!
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Call Adult Protective Services, and the police!
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By all means, seek help and advice. Do not necessarily "accuse" but rather state that it "appears" this is going on. Tell them you are concerned and can they help and investigate. Call your local Office on Aging as they will be able to advise you how to handle this. And, do you have a good attorney you can trust? Good luck.
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Chrissy89: I don't see how grandpa could be in his right mind. It seems like he wants to reclaim his youth, but that ship has sailed many decades ago, sadly. I don't believe he wants to hurt the one he said "I do" to all those many years ago. This is now the "for worse" part he signed up for. Some intervention is needed , though, if she is so thin.
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jeannegibbs: I am with you! When I reread the post, I considered that same thing-step GPA may "painting a picture of his youth" and possibly it's a fabrication.
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If the caregiver is boasting on Facebook the affair is probably true. By the way how did you find out about it? Can't comment on whether gma is being abused and starved or not because as others have said the weight loss and bruises may have innocent causes.
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Christy, if Step-Grandfather wants to get on with his life so badly and so quickly, your Dad and Grandmother's other children, and family could offer to get her out of there, off of his hands, and take care of her yourselves! If she were My Grandma, I would do just that if possible!

With the Step GF being 30 years younger, he may just be "done", with the whole caregiving thing, burnt out, love struck or whatever.
I would still get APS and the police to investigate, but her life and welfare come first.

People do fall out of love, even during the tough phases of caregiving, and fall in love with other people,  your Grandparents may have even come to such an agreement or understanding,  it's definitely Shady, the way he's going about it, and I sure hope he isn't abusing or neglecting Grandma, along the way!

Or if he has only been married to Grandma a short amount of time, say less than 10 years, and around the time her Dementia kicked in, I'd say he is possibly an opportunist, taking advantage of an older lady with means, like a house and money, but if it's been longer than that, then he probably did marry her for love, and this is just the unfortunate way in which he is showing his poor judgement, by moving on, before Grandma has passed.

Either way, your family may very well be out of any inheritance, or anything you thought might be coming your way once Grandma does pass away, as she is in her 80's, has dementia and obviously other health conditions specific to her losing so much weight. But to me, the 30 years age gap between Grandma and her husband seems a little questionable, and might well intend to keep everything for himself.  

Like Veronica said follow the money, and be prepared to kiss it and any inheritance goodbye, but first see to Grandma, and make sure she's OK, and get her out of there if you can! Nobody should Expect an inheritance these days. 

Where is your Grandfather in all of this?  Is he deceased or are they divorced? This is such a sad situation!  I'm so sorry Sweetie! 

I hope you come back to update us! Good Luck! 
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