My mom lives with me, I am tired, angry, and frustrated. HELP!

You know, I should clear up one thing........I'm not bitter because I'm taking care of mom. I love you and will do all I'm capable of doing. I'm bitter because I have sisters who are NOT there for me, but claim to care! I don't want their tears, their "dinners", their "claims for caring"! I want them to care about MOM! At least a little! There....I got it out! Ahhhhhh that feels better!! LOL!! Have a great day ladies! I must get to work now!

LOL! Yes, I know all about the moving thing! My mom plans her trip back home to Hawaii every other minute! I recently DID just find a nice residential home for her. I've been picking her up on weekends and having her stay with me. I fear, though, this will change, as caring for her is getting more difficult. I think the over "nighters" will soon be a thing of the past. Thanks for your comment.

my mom tries to move at least once a week.She thinks shes going back where she just moved from last december.I have recruited help,finally.I just said if you don't,you can get her a place in the nursing home.I had to for my sanity!!Vent away,please.

Scared........ I sure wish I could sit here and write something that would make all of your hurt go away. Unfortunately I really believe what you said, that care giving sucks the life out of us. You can't describe it any better than that. Let's face it, if we didn't love our parents/spouses, we wouldn't be caring for them. I too, have felt that my life is pretty much "doomed"! I have sisters who basically will call and cry.....saying: "Oh it's so sad that mom is no longer remembering us"..or "When I come out, I'm going to treat you to a WONDERFUL dinner"!!! GIVE ME A BREAK!!! A dinner???? Whoe...Pinch Me, Please!!! Now THAT'S going to make me want to keep feeding and wiping moms ass!! One of my sisters even had the nerve to call while she was out doing Karaoke with her friends, and said: "I'm thinking of you"!!! What a CROCK!!! Do I sound bitter??? You bet I am!! Once in while I will go over my "life" and wonder if I'm getting a "payback". I mean, quite frankly, I haven't been the best person in the world, but OMG......this? But, just like you Scared, I will keep chuggin' along and if all of you don't mind, I will "vent" on this wonderful website, because I know many of you (not all), really DO understand, and I truly appreciate and thank you all for listening/reading, whenever I need to be bitter, sad, angry, or happy! Thank you so much!

I feel much the same way about my husband. I am trapped in a loveless situation, and I am a prisoner in my own home because I can't go anywhere or do anything because I can't leave my husband alone. I hate my life and want it to be different, but it's not going to be and it's what I signed up for when I said "til death do us part". It sucks and I'm mad and I just want it all to end. But it won't so I have to "suck it up" and live with it and have a rotten, terrible, lousy existence because that's all it is...an existence. It's not a life. I just go about my daily chores like some slave who just does what they are told to avoid any hurt. Don't get my wrong; my husband isn't physically abusive. It's just the existence we have because he is sick. We can't go anywhere or do anything because he is too tired, too dizzy, too weak, too everything. Besides, we don't have any money to even go out to eat. There are repairs to be done around the house that we can't afford to have done, but he is too far gone to recognize them. He looks at the world through rose-colored glasses and thinks he is fine except that he is weak and dizzy and tired all the time. He doesn't know his mind is gone...or he just denies it. I used to be scared; now I'm just mad. I hate what is happening to him and to me, but there is no changing it or fixing it. It will just continue to deteriorate until I just curl up and die because that's what happens to caregivers. They become robots with no love, no feelings, no nothing but to care for those who we have to care for. Often the caregiver dies before the patient because all the life is sucked out of them. It isn't the patient's fault. It is the disease, and no one cares. They just say it's your responsibility and it's your vow and it's your lot in life so live with it...life's a b*****, then you die.

Yes, Soozieq, you have hit the nail on the head. I live with my mom for 10 yrs now following my father's death. Mom had a stroke in '09 leaving her with gradually declining short term memory. It IS difficult as she and I were never close to begin with and I always found a great gap in our personalities. It is unfortunate that she cannot afford senior care in an assisted living facility because we all would be better off if she could. As it is, I, as the oldest daughter (and single) have been kind of relegated the responsibility for her care. It is too easy to say it's the illness that makes her the way she is. To some degree that is true. However, a whole lot of her personality is in there too making her very difficult to live with. I had trouble with her growing up and I still do. I would not feel guilty in the least if she had another living situation to go to. It is not unnatural to have negative feelings towards them. I think this situation will destroy me before it is all said and done.

Being even a part time caregiver is terribly difficult, and this is the place to let off steam and share. It isn't whining, its frustration. My heart goes out to anyone who had to do in home care because they have no choice. I can't imagine living with Mom every again. Some people are impossible to live with, and usually those people had most of the same traits when they were younger only now it is much much worse. In the past 35 years my sister and I both have lived with Mom at one time or another. She was needy, hovering and impossible then and even more frustrating now. Thank God she has enough money to live in senior housing. We love her, do everything for her, but we both know living with her would end up destroying our marriages and ruin us. Do we feel guilty? Yes, somewhat, but we know that she is safe and taken care of and we have not abandoned her. It took years for us to accept that she is a negative unhappy self absorbed person who will never be happy wherever she lives.

no compassion ferris 1? You are NOT helpful.

Everyone in this situation needs an outlet of some kind. I have to laugh at myself cause one of my often used outlets is while I am driving in my car. In there, I yell, scream (even at my imaginary mom), other people. I voice all kinds of things--playing devil's advocate. When all is said and done, I have released some pent up anger and sometimes was able to talk some things through. It's a nice safe place. Other drivers who may see me just think I am talking on a hands free device. Just a thought. It serves me at least.

Just think your childhood. Parent are parents.they scrifice so many things for us. now its our time to take care.your mom is not well she is help less. She needs you. Dont be selfish.
If u are not able to do becuase of your health or whatever you can take her to old age home but dont forget to visit there and keep her happy.

Shila, I'm going to be honest. It isn't easy. I had my mom live with me for 33 yrs (since she was 62) . My only regret is not having sought outside help when she was in her 80's. My mom was active (despite the COPD, and heart issues and alot more) She drove until she was 90, insisted on being independent (which caused me more heartache at times because I was the one who had to take care of her when her independence lead to accidents, illnesses, etc) When she had to give up driving it was horrible for her, but she adapted. It wasn't until she fell at the age of 93 that helped me find out there were resources out there that were available to her because she was a senior. I was finally given a little help with mom. She was allowed to get someone to come in and help with housecleaning (she had her own living quarters downstairs) and running errands. Initially she fought me on it, she didn't want "strangers", but finally she realized it was helping me. Had I known about these provisions it would have saved me alot of irritation. That's what would happen to me when I would get "overloaded" with caregiving. Going through menopause was not pretty picture either. I can only share what I learned, and that is to get help if it is available. If it isn't do the best you can, but try your best to take care of your own health too. I lost my mom on Jan 1st, 2013, three months to the day of having her taken by ambulance to the hospital. I knew then she would never come back home to live, which was extremely hard for me. I loved her so much and I miss her, but I know I need to take care of myself now so I can live a long life to enjoy my grandchildren and hopefully live long enough to enjoy my great grandchildren (when the time comes) the way my mom did hers. Take care of yourself as you take care of your mom. This site was also a lifesaver for me during the last 3 months of mom's life. I could vent, learn from others and get comforted all because of this site and the new friends I met.

I CAN'T SAY I CAN RELATE, BECAUSE I DON'T REALLY KNOW THE WHOLE SITUATION, BUT I CAN SAY THAT I FEEL LIKE RUNNING SOMETIMES. MY MOM IS 96, SHE'S HAD 1O CHILDREN, WHICH 6 BOYS ARE DECEASED. I HAVE ONE BROTHER LEFT AND TWO SISTERS. MY MOM LIVES WITH ME. SHE HAS A BAD HABIT OF SPITTING. NO MATTER WHERE SHE IS, SHE SPITS. I ASK HER WHY, SHE SAYS "BECAUSE SHE WANTS TOO". ITS TRUELY EMBARRASING TO ME. SHE HAS DEMENTIA, I'VE BEEN CARING FOR HER FOR 6YRS. THERE'S TIMES I HAVE TO WALK OUT OF THE ROOM TO COLLECT MYSELF. I HAVE NO HELP. MY OLDEST SISTER LIVES 1 AND A HALF HOURS AWAY. SHE COMES TO TOWN AND WON'T EVEN COME TO SEE OUR MOM, SOMETIMES SHE'S IN TOWN FOR A WHOLE WEEK AND WON'T COME BY. SO THERE ARE TIMES I FEEL ALONE IN THIS. MY OTHER BROTHER AND SISTER CALLS OFTEN. I DID'NT MEAN TO GO ON AND ON, BUT I JUST WANTED TO SAY, YOU CAN GET UPSET, DISCOURAGED, ANGRY, AND WANT TO GIVE UP. I THINK ABOUT ALL THE KIDS SHES RAISED, NOT JUST HER OWN, AND I SAY IF SHE CAN GO THROUGH ALL THAT RAISING HER KIDS AND 30 OTHER KIDS IN HER LIFE TIME, WHO AM I THAT I CAN'T DEAL WITH ALL OF THE FRUSTRATIONS. I DO OWE HER THIS. I'M STILL GONNA GET MAD, BUT I'LL KNOW I'M DOING THE RIGHT THING BUY CARING FOR HER. WISH YOU LUCK AND I HOPE ALL GOES WELL WTH YOU.







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I totally feel for you Shila. Caregiving to anyone, full-time is physically, mentally, and emotionally draining and exhausting. I understand your statement. I'm sure there's people who said worse. It's not easy, but try to stay in peace, and understand, your Mom's mental disabilities too. Get time out, to get to your nearest caregiver support group. They will give you the best advise, what to do in situations, Ideas to get out and give yourself a break, Ideas to make stressful times easier. How to grieve, even while you're caring for your Mom. The meetings can be therapeutic in itself. I always felt better after every meeting, mentally, physically, and emotionally. NOT so drained, and exhausted. You are a good person. God Bless, and take care.

Shila, I understand how you feel at present. I spent past 11months supporting my mum through her last stage of life journey. She has ben battling cancers since 2008. Sadly she lost her battles and she passed away 6 days ago. In reflection, I went through all the emotions that most of us on this website havw epereinced disregard the cirsumstances of our parents were in at the time they need support. In one way, I felt it was an honour to be able to take care of our parents in similar manners that they have done out of love. Yes, our own children will 'model' our attitude one day when we need .their support. Yes, the burden of support may rest on the shoulders of one child like I did. Yes. I moaned and complained time and time again. TOday, I reflect and feel tht I am so lucky to be able to repay my mum for giving me life. Yes, I am so very grateful for this webste for it has been a huge support to me the past 11months. Hugsxxxx Shila, your mum will be thankful for your 'love' which nothing can replaced its valu Juliek

I think this site is a great place to vent...there are many of us who have no one to talk to...I am so isolated that without this site, I might go completely nuts! Thank you for caring enough to let me vent.

I honestly don't know how to answer your question. I wish I did, because I am going through the same thing! I'm going through the same emotions as you are, and I'm exhausted! What Ferris had to say was very inappropriate and cold. We all need to vent, and we all need to support each other, be compassionate, and lift each other's spirits. It's not healthy to hold it all in.

I agree Ferris1 except for the whining part! This is a good place to whine and vent because it will lessen the pressure and people need to have a safe place to let off steam. Shilaflores- I think you might need to find some adult day care in your area or find a local person who can come in and stay with her for periods each day to give you a respite. You will be able to refresh yourself and maybe get some exercise, see a movie, visit a friend, take a walk in a park, etc while someone else is there. Do look into getting the help you need. If money is an issue, check with the department of human services to see if there are free or inexpensive programs to help you.

Do we really have to become prisoners in our own homes? Aren't we allowed to have fun? friends? any kind of life but caring for our elderly? Something really seems wrong with this picture. Very wrong.

I do understand what you are going through. Though I am younger I had to make the decision to find a facility for my grandma I've been taking care of. Now I'm on the road to get my license and to get a job and start my life. It isn't easy. My grandma raised me and people kept telling me I owe her and I should take care of her but its near impossible to do and hold a job and go to school. I'm emotionally and physically burned out but I'm slowly rebounding. It's not easy to visit the one who raised you in a place that isn't home. But sometimes you have to make a hard decision to assure safety for both. Hugs.

I feel the same way... and I don't know what to do! I hope knowing that you are not alone helps... (((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Ferris 1 I totally know where u are coming from. You get, I think more emotionally drained then anything else. I have been caring for my mom now going on three years on top of working a graveyard shift full time . My days are non stop and seems like never ending. If I get five hours of sleep a day, I am doing good! I was the type that had everything in place and up to par in the home. Needless to say, not anymore!! I go one day at a time and take many deep breaths. I have no help from anyone, but am trying to find some because moms income is below prouverty level. They just make it soo difficult and time consuming . You really do end up feeling like a prisoner in your own home. My mom has leukemia , Parkinson's , slight dementia, which will only get worse, congestive heart failure and bone grinding against bone on her knee which she can't have surgery because her heart is too weak. She basically can't do anything for herself other then eat. It's hard, I know! I am just hoping The Lord will repay me someday!!

Shilaflores, I completely understand your feelings of frustration. It is so difficult sometimes to be the caregiver for an elderly parent. My mom is 83, and I have been sole caregiver for two years now, but I feel like it has been 20 years! I never knew it would completely engulf my life to the point where I feel like I have no life. She can be very good at times, but her dementia is getting worse, and I sometimes think I will just lose my mind. I pay for the groceries, the bills, cook and clean and have a full time job. Her credit had completely gone south before I took over paying her bills because she did not remember to pay them. At least with me living here I am able to keep track of what needs to be paid. She can go from "poodle to pitbull" in about 10 seconds, so I never really know what to expect as far as her behavior. I have hired several different companies to come in and be her companion, however she has found something she does not like about every single one of them. I barely ever leave the house without her because she literally throws a fit when I do. When I do take her with me, she becomes too tired to walk, so I end up bringing her home and then I go back out again to complete necessary errands. I have tried to engage her in social activities, but she again decides she does not like anyone there, so she does not interact with hardly anyone but me. Please make sure you take care of yourself, and do not let anyone make you feel bad...You have very real feelings and you are allowed to vent! I hope you are feeling a little better in knowing that your feelings are valid and shared by many adult children taking care of an older parent.

I also had my mom live with me for 6 1/2 years. She came to us with a little dementia that turned in to Alzheimers. My mom passed away on March 6th at home with my family, her sisters, (who are all in their 80's,) surrounding her with love. My husband and I had felt sorry for ourselves and I often complained, was impaitient with her and at times resentful. My husband was at home with her most of the time. One day I realized that this was part of life and my mom's love that she showed for everyone during her life was worth the short time that our life style would be altered. It really got hard to take this past year and a half. I had looked into a nursing home and at one time assisted living, but soon realized my mom did not have much time left. I hired 3 wonderful care givers and paid them from my mom's SSI check. In February she had a fall from a UTI, developed pnemonia and at that time became Hospice qualified. We had Hospice for 1 month before she died. She declined rapidly, but was in the best place ever. Happy in her own surroundings in her own bed with so much love and support. I feel so blessed to have had my mom. She was the best and deserved the best. My only regret is my lack of patience I had with her at times. I realized that came from not totally understand Alzheimers and what that terrible illness does to a person mind. My mom was kind, gentle and loving. I am at peace now when I think of her and cherish that last month of her life. Time is precious. Enjoy every moment with them. They will be gone before you know it.

My mom has dementia and has been living with me over 2 years. Sure its tuff but would not have it any other way. We have had to make adjustments in our life but wwe all agree i was worth it. Mom can be a real pain in the neck sometime but I love her and when I get really upset with her I just remember the good times and the good memories I am still making with her every day. My mom is 82 and might not be here much longer but as long as she is my home and heart is always open to her.

Marlenia123,...Thank you for your most appropriate critique of "Ferris1'!!! You are right , not everyone here has a background in this field, so we are "learning as we go", so to speak! It is a very hard road to hoe for all of us everyday! But then when you have someone who's obviously conceited and needs to have themselves, as you said, "patted on the back" all the time for their "sacrifices".... just plain shameful ! Keep up what you are doing everyone...and remember there are those of us who care no matter what!! We don't need to get our affirmations by blowing our own horns either!! Godbless the TRUE caregivers.....!

Shila,
I feel for you. I have been taking care of Mom now for six years, since my Dad passed away. I felt I owed it to Mom as when they both lived with me, I let my own life get in the way. But now I realize I also had to have a life! I am turning 65 and since taking care of them both, have developed my own health problems. Afib possibly related to stress! I have no life of my own anymore, but I won't give up caring for Mom. In answer to someone else here, who's posts I haven't seen. All I can say, is wait till you are in someone elses shoes! My parents put their own parents into nursing homes. This is why I felt the need to keep Mom at home. Sometimes though, it's simply too much for one to bear alone. Hang in there, you have our thoughts and prayers!

Shilaflores, taking care of an aging parent is tough, it does make one tired, frustrated, and angry. You do not say what is wrong with your mom, but I can tell you my mom says things to me that I know she doesn't mean. My mom has Alzheimer's and just this week, she told the nurse that phooey Alzheimer's, that I just needed to do what she told me to.

I know my mom says that because of the disease because my mom was a kind loving woman and wouldn't be that mean under normal conditions.

It is a tough thing to care for an aging person, we all have days we need to vent and cry. Take a deep breathe, vent, and look to see if there are services to help you. Some places have daycare or senior centers where you can have your family member go to give you a break.

Hang in there and vent on her if you need to.

I have found that people label other's venting as whining because they are trying to make them feel one way or the other. This social tactic is offensive and inappropriate especially since the purpose of this website is to support and not to give advice about what you should or shouldn't express. What this poster feels and does is her own business and anyone who feels the need to label it negatively should indeed leave the site or keep their thoughts to themselves. After all as has been pointed out, these posts are but a glimpse and most are looking for validation and to vent or find some ideas to find help.

Ferris1... Honey you really need a break and fast. This site is for being compassionate and understanding with others that are in emotional crisis. We are here to help one another and listen and offer our own feelings and helpful advise. We need one another not negative remarks. Myself and others are riding the caregiver train alone. We are not "Whiners". We are only seeking help in terrible situations.
Anksana-Moon

Every post I have read of the caregiver wife has been ingragiating and arrogant.
I think it's just another form of venting. Poor thing. She and that other one who has a weird interpretation of honoring one's parents may implode eventually.
Shilaflores, we support you in reclaiming your life. Are you going to place her? What is the next step to resolve this, Dear One? We are listening. xo