My mom lives with me, I am tired, angry, and frustrated. HELP!

When you are taking care of Parents/loved ones, as their caregivers things just seem to rush together in a blurr. We don't have time to really be with them, and do what we want because we are doing what is needed! The loss of a parent that we loved IS hard no matter the situation! We will always be sorry that we didn't spend more time doing things with them or visiting with them, etc., etc.! Just know that what you ARE doing IS something.... and that if we didn't care we wouldn't be doing this....! So do not feel like you did not do enough...! This "Caregiver" title, says you DID!!!! So God bless all of us out there who give of ourselves to take wonderful care of an aging parent/loved one! it is because we love them that we do this...weather it be in home or in a facility. Here is a great big hug to all who are in the fray, for one reason or another!! I for one applaude each and everyone of your efforts here!!! Keep up the good work...:)

I know how you feel that's how I felt my mom passed two weeks ago and I miss her wish I could go back and feel the way I do know IT would have been so different

butterflygrl: If you have your Dad in a facility, I would suggest leaving him there despite his complaints. If you bring him home, you will have to deal with his complaints 24/7/365. At least when he is in the NH, you can visit him for 10 minutes or 10 hours...setting the boundary that you will stay as long he doesn't complain. If he does, then either change the subject or leave. If he is able to comprehend, explain the boundaries to him. Be sure, of course, that none of his complaints is valid. Is the place clean, is he kept clean, are there activities, can he go outside and get fresh air, how does the staff relate to him and others: observe EVERYTHING. If you see something that doesn't seem right, talk to the director or call your local agency on aging. There are places that are not good, but I believe there are more that are. There are government agencies that have online reports about facilities. Check them out. Talk to other visitors. Engage other residents in conversation. What do they think? What is going on while you are there? Are people smiling or just sitting in wheelchairs staring into space? How many staff members are there in comparison to the number of residents? There are a myriad of questions to be answered, but you can't base a decision on just your Dad's complaints. Good luck.

Hi,
I am truly sorry that you are going through a difficult time in your life. I can relate to your frustrating moments. I have been taking care of my mom for almost seven years without hardly any help from my siblings. I have a lot of health issues myself, which makes it more complicated sometimes, but I do not let my 90 year old mom see me cry or look bewildered. Have you looked into getting assistance from a home health agency that is covered by Medicare to help with her grooming, bathing, cleaning her room, etc.? That will take some of the load off of you. I know that it is hard, but ask God to give you strength to carry on; do the best that you can and your Blessings with follow. I sincerely wish you and your mom well. Take care.

Butterflygrl, boy did your post hit home! When I tried to take care of mom, I
realized that even though I know my mother better than anyone else, it still
doesn't make me an expert with Dementia or Alzheimer's. That's the bottom
line. You have valid reasons for keeping your dad where he is right now.
He needs the help of experts. It doesn't mean you love him any less.
It's just this time of life for him. You have every reason to be concerned with the nights and his walking around, his size, his instability, and more. Yes, of course you could keep him at home with you, but he probably won't be any happier. That will only put more stress on you, in addition to wearing you down. When my
dad was about to be released from rehab, due to a stoke and congestive
heart failure, the doctor told me he should NOT return home, as it will be more
difficult to get him back in a facility, where he needed to be. I took their advice
and was glad I did. I had to put both my parents in a facility, at the same time. And though dad passed away 3 months later, I really lost both parents because
of my mom's disease to Alzheimer's. Dad called me everyday, telling me
I had to get them out of there, NOW! I knew that wasn't an option, but regardless, I did feel pretty bad.

Since dads passing, the one thing I do regret is keeping my mom in a private room. I've come to learn that with Alzheimer's, sometimes it's best for the patient to have people around them. At the time, I felt I was in her best interest for her to live alone, when in fact, it was the worst thing for her. She lived in fear, she hallucinated, she didn't recognized her surroundings and she ultimately walked out of the facility, trying to find her way home. Thereafter, she had to be placed in a locked down facility. Now THAT I couldn't do! I found one of those residential homes with 6 other adults at her level of illness, 5 minute from my home. She's still scared, still cries, still hallucinates and is now going into the PPA phase of her illness (Primary Progressive Aphasia). This is where they can no longer form sentences that make any sense. They also lose their ability to write. Over all, she's well cared for and I can bring her home on a Sat or Sun.

So Butterflygrl, I'd go with my gut feelings, but if you're dad is already in a NH, and needs to be there, I think it could be a big mistake taking him back out, and THEN having to do it all again. This of course, is how I had to deal with my situation. My dad was very ill and my mom Alzheimer's had progressed quite far.

Well I hope I was of some help to you. Ultimately, you're the one who knows how bad off your dad really is. It's never an easy decision. Good luck.

Remember why my Mom lives with me? That's an easy one. I've had her since '82 and she's used to it and accustomed to not having to financially support herself. Care for her? Yes, I guess I do if that means following around cleaning up her messes (since I was about 5 yrs. old, she never cared about housekeeping) ... and hardly ever leaving her, even to the care of others.

Shila, I completely understand. I had to learn to create some boundaries which meant that I had to let mom know what was and was not permissible in our relationship, in the most respectful and loving way possible.
When my health started deteriorating I realized it does no good to hold on to the "guilt trip". If my health fails I can't take care of her. We've had to have some serious conversations about the way she interacts with me. I had to stop doing too many things, and give some things back to her as her responsibility. She needed that for her own independence as much as I needed to stop doing it. The more I did, believing she needed my help, the more she pushed back on me. Some things were hard to let go of, because she wasn't making right decisions. But the truth is she is still her own person and she still has the freedom to make her own choices, however good or bad they are.
Everyone is in a different place and I don't know the specifics of your situation; however, I do know what it's like to take on too much responsibility. Then when I try to force something there's conflict and I suffer for it.
We talk and I let her know what I will help her with and what I can no longer help her with. Then she seems to accept more responsibility (where she can) and take steps (for example) to help her remember to do things. (Bear in mind, she is still able to understand these conversations; I do not know what your loved mom’s level of cognition is right now.)
If you have time, there is a book called Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. It’s an easy read. You may want to skip past the first chapter for the sake of time; however, you may also identify with some of the things in the first chapter. Your choice.
I know that the temptation is to put her health before yours, but remember if your health fails, you cannot help her. When your boat is sinking, you put your life jacket on first and then help the victim. (I can’t think of a better example right now, but you get the point.) And no guilt trips. You are doing this because you love her, not because you owe her.
I have a question for JessieBelle: You mentioned that Texas is a great place for senior services. I recently moved from Austin back to Wisconsin. Dad passed away in November and I would like to move back to Texas, but Wisconsin has a lot of services and aid for seniors and I'm concerned that she/we will not get the help we need in Texas. When I called the Department of Aging the representative told me we would need to move there first to find out what she would be able to receive. Can you tell me what kind of services you receive for your mother/father? Can you give me some examples?

You can start a new conversation if you would like.

oh, also, I checked on Assisted living and since he is a medicaid patient, he would have to share a room with someone and be on a waiting list so I don't think he would be any happier sharing a room and bathroom in an efficiency apt. No bedrooms :(

I've read all of the posts and it leaves me wondering what I should do about my father. He is 74 years old and recently had to go into FT nursing home care. He lost all of his independence at once due to dementia that caused him to forget his insulin. He has been a diabetic for abt 15-20 years and has done very well up to the past couple of years. Problem is, Now that the hospital and nursing home have gotten his levels to normal, he wants out of the nursing home. He has enough awareness to know that he hates it. Every time I go up there he tells me how bad he wants out etc. I feel extremely guilty about it. Like I have caged a bird that wants to fly. He had instance of falling when his levels were off but is physically doing much better. At first he was very weak and could barely get up. Then he got progressively better and better. He is supposed to have rehab starting the first of the month. I just don't know what I should do. I don't like the NH environment either although I have made him as comfortable as I can. I am trying to decide if I should leave him in a nursing home or have him with me until it gets to where I can't manage him. He doesn't want to be a burden either and I don't want to take on something that I can't handle. I was a single mother of 3 girls for years but they are gone and grown up so it would only affect me. I am a caretaker by nature and my father and I are sort of close but can lock horns from time to time. I am worried that he won't do what I ask since he is a bigger man. I would also need to get a bigger place but moving is ok. That isn't my concern. I am concerned that I won't be able to handle him at night when he gets up and walks around. I could probably get some help to come in during the day while at work but I can't afford full time care. So it's between his being miserable and having full time care or being with me and having only what I can afford/give. To me he is in and out of being able to care for himself because he values his independence. I am worried about him cooking, or falling but I can get life alert. I could install cameras and monitors which is fairly cheap. I just don't know if I should leave him where he is miserable for the rest of his days or have him at home with me where he is less miserable but at risk while I am at work. Adult protective services has mandated that he can't live alone. I have DPOA and HPOA so I am the one to make these decisions. Since most of you have experience with in home care, can you please counsel me on what you think I should do. I'm very confused and starting to avoid going to see him because he puts pressure on me and is just miserable. I feel like I am responsible for his misery. In a way I am but then if I wasn't there, he wouldn't have that much care at all. Help! (P.S. my father was not a very responsible father by societies standards. He was in prison, he didn't pay childsupport and led a life of crime. He cleaned up his act but he impacted our lives and my siblings don't want to help him because of this. I forgave him but I don't have the guilt of returning the care back to him that he gave when I was younger thing. ) thanks

There is talk about guilt, but I don't feel guilt in caring for my mom and I won't allow anyone to make me feel that way. I believe that in caring for my mom I am doing the right thing.

I have been to nursing homes and I know about their abuse, I want my mom to be treated better than that. I know that care giving is tough, but I also know that you cannot make anyone feel guilty unless you allow them to make you feel guilty.

Think about why are caring for the person you love and hold fast to that. Care giving is tough and no easy task. But do not let anyone make you feel guilty about why you do it and being a care giver.

I take a lot of crap from family and have, sorry to say I am just a Bitch to them now and tell them to mind their own business. In fact, I have little contact with them because it is not healthy for me and it is not healthy for my mom. I try to make sure the environment is healthy for both of us.

So remember why you are caring for your loved one and remember there will be days that we feel extremely low. I have my share of bad days, but I have conversations with myself, pray and talk with people here. This is a great group of people that are happy to share their stories.

bj10: try to imagine this: In your mind's eye, you see a big chalk board. Take a big piece of chalk and write the word GUILT in big, bold letters. Now grab the eraser and erase that word off the board. Sounds strange? Just give it a try. Really, really visualize what you are doing. Maybe it will help. Good luck and God bless.

Talk to the people at the center where you'd like to take your Mom. They are used to dealing with this behavior. Many times you can go and stay with them for the day or for a few hours to help her acclimate. Remember what it was like taking your children to day care or school for the first time? It rips your heart out, but it's necessary for everyone's health and sanity. Use the "try it you'll like it approach"...be nice but firm...I know, I know...easier said than done. I guess I am trying to psych myself up to it as much as encourage you, because it is getting to the point that I have to do something with my husband so I can have some semblance of a life. We all need to find the courage...we have to dig deep...pray and try harder. We all know it's what is best in the long run. God bless!

It sounds like your feelings are not very important to her..There is nothing wrong with you wanting a little "me time" and nothing to feel guilty about. If anyone should feel guilty its her! She should accept your help graciously, be considerate of your needs, and try to cooperate a little. How unfair!

Respite. Senior citizen's center activities. NONE of these things are acceptable to my Mom. She flatly refuses to go. While her health isn't perfect (she has heart artery stents), she is still able to drive some, manages her financial affairs and cooks (and makes huge messes in my kitchen.) She's controlling and I think she feels that since I'm a widow .... I owe her my time.

Debralee, I think, is right - gsw needs those times away, but Mom probably is getting to where she is not safe left by herself. Some respite arrangement would give them both more of what they need to go on!

Something that stands out to me with all of our posts, we seem to feel 'guilt' and that's something I don't understand. I feel 'guilt' because my only sister doesn't want to spend time with Mom, take her anywhere or do anything for her. I feel badly for my Mom that it's this way. However, my sister has her hands full with raising grandchildren, grown children with drug problems -- and she has tried in the past to 'connect' with Mom. Mom says there is too much drama with my sister's life so everything is left up to me. I can't figure out WHY I feel guilty if I manage to steal a couple of hours for myself away from her. My Mom is very good at making me feel guilty if I take time for myself. Why do I fall into the guilt trap? A lot of us here seem to fall into that trap.

gsw92482 you are not blessed! You are burned out! You are 63 years old and need a break. Glad you are using boundaries with your mother, but you need more. Is there enough financial ability to use a caregiver or adult daycare? There will come a time when you may no longer give her the kind of care you can provide. Your emotional and physical wellbeing is a priority for you. When you have to find different living arragements for her don't fret about it. You have done more than most people would have done under your circumstances. I am with you!

gsw92498 - I know there might be some who would say "shame on you", but I believe you did the right thing. I, too, believe my husband has "selective" remembering (as well as the proverbial male "selective" hearing). No, CG-ing isn't a blessing, but it is a means to an end...knowing we did what we had to do for the sake of our loved one is the right thing to do, but when it takes away from you all you were, it needs to be changed. Somewhere, somehow, some day, there will be a better way. It's the waiting that is so hard. So very hard.

Thank you, lefaucon. I know what you say is true, and I try very hard to remember that with God all things are possible and that someday will be better. Being human, though, I'd sure like that someday to be now or for the "now" to be easier. Somedays it is just too much and I can't even find the words to pray.

I am not going to give you platitudes. People whose parents were loving and put you first in their lives are still difficult to take care of. Add to that mix someone who has always put themselves first and everything was for "what would people think?" and you have toxic mix. That is me. I am not afraid to say that I do not "like" my mother. She is not a person I ever would have chosen as a friend. I kind of envy people who say their mother is their best friend. It would be simple if that was the case - well, simpler. I never had that. It is hell being with someone 24/7 that you don't particularly like, but must "love" since I'm doing it. That's what love is in my book, doing the right thing when needed for someone else. Don't get me wrong I'd much rather Mom be in assisted living. She acts differently when she's with others. It's a pattern of turning on the only ones who are there for her - I am her current target. It's very unnatural to have your parent as the center of your universe at the age 63. I am trying all avenues and something's gotta give. Living with an ungrateful, needy, self-centered person is very hard. Everyone thinks I do a great job, but I don't see anyone clamouring to help me. So, I plod on. I force myself to go somewhere every day, walking when it is nice, the library when it isn't. Just anything. Seeing another face and hearing another viewpoint makes you feel a little more human and not a doormat drwoning in a sea of negativity. Yesterday, when Mom had "fallen" - I really think these are calculated - I point blank told her that if she didnt get up by herself or at least help me get her up, this would be it. I would call 911, they would take her to the ER, then put her in rehab and then the nursing home. She yelled something hateful to me about not caring about her and then I left the room with her on the carpeting. I told her I couldn't do this if this is the way it was going to be. Period. End of story. When I came back a few minutes later she was up on her knees and half way up to standing and I could get her up. I know it is a matter of time, and I won't be able to handle her care. We've kept her out of a nursing home for 91 years, I would hate to do it now, but I can't and won't sacrifce my well being. I told her that "I'm sorry you is 91. I'm sorry are so miserable. I am sorry she sometimes has trouble walking, but IT IS NOT MY FAULT" I also told her it was totally up to her. It was her decision to participate in her own care or go somewhere they are paid to care for her. I've had it. Yesterday she was a different person after the lecture, so don't tell me she can't remember anything. I know her memory isn't what it used to be but she can definitely remember what she wants to. Mostly negative things, but she rememebered what I told her. Good luck. I am one that doesn't revel in the job. If any other person tells me how blessed I am, I might want to punch them. It is not a blessing. I'd tried hard to look at it that way, but it just isn't. I may learn something important through but it isn't a blessing.

Dear Scared,
I was touched and so saddened by your words. You sound very, very hurt and your job as a CG is getting to be too much for you. I understand. I took care of Mom and Dad too but now they have passed. I am hurt because you think that you have no life and no future and no nothing. I wish that I could send you a comfort fairy or something to take the heavy burden off of your heavy heart. You chose to be named "scared" for a reason. I know you must be scared, I was too. The only thing I can give to you is God. Remember God. Remember Jesus Christ. Remember He said that this world is only temporary, your real home is in heaven with Him. Eternal life is free, this broken world can give us nothing that lasts forever. I know that this is very difficult because all you see is loneliness and pain. That is all I saw too, I saw only the mountains, only the huge mountains before me. But please remember, Jesus can move the mountains if we keep our eyes fixed on HIM. But please, if you take a little moment to honestly just say, "please, please help me Jesus". He will hear you......

why do we have to go through this... i too want to curl up and die...

Daughter 52.......Thanks for your comment. It truly is sad when one sibling has to completely be the caretaker, without any support whatsoever. The one thing I can be certain of, though, (as I'm sure you can be, as well), is that when mom passes away, I will be the one by her side. I will be the one that carries the memories of her last days. She and I laughing and/or crying together, me taking her for walks around the mall, listening to her stories over and over and over and over..............again and again and again.........and each time I answer as though it was the first time she's told me this story! Anyway, who knows if our siblings will ever have regrets or guilt. If they do....OOOOOOOh Well...."Se La Vie"! I have what they'll NEVER have! The MEMORIES!!!! I plan to make as many as I can until that sad day.

So hang in there Daughter52. As difficult as it may be, it's still going to be a sad day when mom leaves this world.

Yes. Caregiving does suck the life out of us. And at times I feel like I'm just "existing" from one day to the next. But then I remind myself why I'm doing this. I love mom, and she's always been there for me from the day I was born. I know I wasn't always the easiest kid. Far from it! So now it's time for me to take care of her the way she took care of me. But to all the caregivers out there -- we do need to take time out for ourselves, for our sanity. And we do need to reach out to others for help. We can't do it alone. I'm finally finding that out. I hate the exhausted, touchy person I've become. So before things escalate, I'm going to search out help. Caregiver Support Groups, and even this site, are a big help!

I too have my mom living with me and I care for her. The dementia has now progressed to the point she will not necessarily say that I owe her or rather she appreciates what I do. She never wanted to be a burden to anyone. Along with the dementia comes a person I sometimes do not recognize. She thinks I am being mean when I need to lift her because she refuses to stand or help in any way, she claims I am feeding her things that only animals in the woods would eat, and she thinks that the $300.00 cash that she brought with her 6 years ago should still be feeding us. This is not how she is 100% of the time and there are glimpses if who she was occasionally. There are days I look at her and cry because I miss "mom" and there are days I feel overwhelmed and either tearful or raging inside. I sometimes snap at her and then feel enormous guilt because she always treated me and others with love and compassion even when, I am sure, she felt some hurt or anger toward me as a child growing up.

I was raised with my grandpa living with us. He never needed the care she does but when she could not be on her own anymore it felt natural to bring her home with me and my family. To claim its been easy and all daises would be a lie. I do not feel that I "owe" her but I do feel that I am maybe somewhat paying her back for being such a great mom to me. At the same time, I do feel very trapped at times. Getting out helps some. My daughter is a caregiver for her too and allows me to just get away some. It keeps me sane though I am sure sometimes my family would argue with you....lol.

Basically, don't feel any guilt or like you HAVE to do this. Do it because you feel that is what you need to do or want to do. Its a hard road to walk down and make sure to take care of YOU. You cannot care for her well if you are not well. Most communities have some sort of care available to give you a break and that will help. But we ALL feel the stress and rage at times.... and anyone that says they don't is lying. This website has been a treasure for me as I know I am not alone and also gives me feed back or advise form those that have been there done that or going through it now and we learn or confess together! Hugs to you.

All I can say as I read both sides of this story is that no, it is not always selfish to not provide for all care personally if to do so is too draining and hurtful. Even a person doing CPR is permitted to stop if they are exhausted and cannot continue. It may be selfish to allow yourself to stay in denial or just not help or be sure a parent is cared for, sure, unless there was abuse of such a serious nature that contact is just not tolerable.

Now I know there are people on here who really do not have any other option than to endure. No funds, no one else to do respite, etc. I also know there are a lot of people on here who do not know they have other options and possibly do not look for them precisely because they judge that as selfish or feel they will be judged as selfish I have read stories of caregivers who died, one recently struck me as very sad because the caregiver was doing much more for the person than was even good for the person. I have read stories of abuse and stories where behaviors associated with dementia masqueraded as abuse and were taken way too personally. I have no doubt at this point that there are people who have always been mean, critical, narcissistic, ungrateful and otherwise just draining people all their lives, and that those of us who care for them now that they are all that and worse are just natrually going to be overrepresented here.

Look. Mom and Dad did not "give you life" just so they could turn around and suck it all out of you and essentially take it all back in the end. Respecting and honoring
your parent or is a commandment, and loving your spouse a commitment, and yet you don't necessarily honor them by destroying everything they gave you and neglecting the rest of your family as well as the rest of your own potential. Even if you are a caregiver for someone who has always been a ray of sunshine - and I know of people like that too - you need respite. And if your loved one needs 24-7 care it is NOT POSSIBLE for one person to do it solo, it is at best difficult for two.

And I know one more thing. This site is overwhelmingly about caregiver perspective. The people who need care are not posting very often, not as often as us. For me, an only child, and frankly a somewhat selfish person, there were times I had to make myself remember that it was my mom's and dad's own story they were living out and was never all about me...sometimes that was comforting, other times, it made me stop in my tracks and realize there was something more I could be doing and not resenting having to do it.

I once read that Mother Teresa looked at our often non-family caregiving patterns in this country and asked, "Why are they not living with you?" For the longest time I would have just looked down at my feet in shame, after all she was Mother Teresa. But now, I think I could answer, and tell her the good reasons and the bad. They would not be things like "I don't know how to operate a Hoyer lift" or "I can't change an adult diaper!" or "Because I just wanna go have fun and party instead.." they would be things like "because I would have had to abandon my son and daughter and end my career" or "because no one can stand a steady stream or toxic criticsm and constant demands to do everything immediately and faster, faster, faster coming from their own mom" or "there is only one of me, others who are able to help are not willing and I can't make them so, we do not quaify for in-home help; I can't be awake 24-7 and that's what keeping my loved one safe requires" or even "that's not even what Mom said she wanted."

Please, lets keep it real rather than sit in judgement. Those of you who are not being drained of all life and health in order to do a tough job that needs to be done and find it is a blessing to do it - well, God bless you! Recognize that you have a blessing that others have not been given, and it may not all be your own virtue and committment that has given it to you. I WISH fervently it had been that way for me too. I wish my kids had two, no four, loving grandparents who took care of their own health, stayed involved and played a big part of their lives even if things were not perfect. But they were who they were, they gave what they had to give, but lived in fear to greater or lesser degrees, and one built a wall of perfectionism and criticsm that never came down. I see my friends caring for aging parents who ARE as involved in their communities and in life as their health permits, and who have siblings that ARE doing much of what needs to be done, maybe disagreeing over details but surely not sniping at the others, or siphoning off funds for their own profit or pursuits, so it is not all on the back of one person. And I see them take it for granted...which maybe they should, since that's the way it SHOULD be. These people don't tend to be all over these forums for some reason, but yes, they are out there. Alas, they are not us.

and we love you especially for your honest share:))

Thx for the kind words. It's so hard when you wake up at 3:30am with no where to go, no one to talk to and having all that time in the black hole of night to think about all that you have lost and what you face come morning light. It really gets to me sometimes. Thx for caring. Good luck to you.

Yes Marlenja123. My sister and I have not spoken for a year over her judgement of me and how she thinks I should be taking care of mom and yet, guess what? She does not participate in ANY measurable way whatsoever. She also puts me down for showing any kind of frustration. I say, "really"? Try stepping in once in awhile to do something and then you can have an opinion.

OOPS.....I meant to say: "I love HER", not "YOU"...although I guess I could love all of YOU as well!!! lol