My mom lives with me, I am tired, angry, and frustrated. HELP!

:) at the amen and hallelujah! My mom has always been controlling. When I rebelled at 16 and got married young, she lost control and started in on my sister, who was two years younger than me. I've been trying to come to terms with myself about the guilt, if I force her to move. She's SO comfortable here, has things her way, doesn't contribute financially, spends/spends/spends, shops all the time. One of my escapes is working on my yard, being outside. She has started dragging a light-weight chair around to WATCH me work. I used to 'escape' to the nearby casino occasionally because she wouldn't go. She thinks playing slots is a sin and says she wouldn't want to be in a casino if the 'lord returns' and would find her there. (she actually pretends to be religious but if her behavior depicts 'religion' -- I want no part of it.) So I would go to the casino, take $40 and just sit there and relax. I loved it! Then she decided she wanted to go -- but not to play slots -- just to eat and 'watch people.' So she started going when I'd go. So I stopped going.

My sister has offered to help her move, get her set up in an apartment or AL - and my Mom has the funds for it -- and I'm just going to have to DO it. I've been thinking of selling my home just to get her out of it. But it's my home and I like it here, with the wild critters, the beautiful lake behind my house ... and my husband and I worked so hard to pay for it.

I so wish I could get her to move and go visit HER, for a change. Heck, I might even go into her kitchen, make a huge mess -- then leave. :)

Not too likely. We remain children forever...in my case since I'm dealing with my stubborn husband, it's even worse. He never was one for making joint decisions...it was usually what he wanted, when he wanted it, how he wanted it, where he wanted it and why he wanted it. Now I'm paying the price for being so naive. Think I'd know better...I was 38 when I married him, twice divorced, dated him for 7 years and WORKED with him for 11 years to boot! Love is soooo blind and hindsight is 20/20. Dig deep down, find a good support group and pray for courage to say "Enough is enough! No one is happy. No one is benefiting from the way things are. It has to change and here is the best and ONLY viable solution!" You probably didn't want to go to pre-school or kindergarten or dance class or piano lessons or baseball practice either, but some how your parents found courage to send you because they knew it was best for all concerned. They couldn't teach you to read and write and do arithmetic and dance or play the piano or play baseball so they sent you to someone who could. So why can't we send out loved ones who can help them far better than we. Caregivers in AL, etc, don't work 24/7/365...they work 8 hours a day, 5 days a week and get 2 weeks or more paid vacation. Don't we deserve as much? You bet your tushie we do! Amen and hallelujah!

Scared - do you think that people like us will EVER get the guts to stand up for ourselves and 'become the parent' and put them where they are safe and cared for?

I think it's great that there are such wonderful places for our loved ones...paying for it is another story. Then, too, there are those whose loved ones will NOT go to AL under any circumstances...until it's too late for everyone. I'll be in that boat because my husband who has dementia and whose declined is in a fast spiral will NOT even consider the idea of AL. The time will come when I am too old and too sick to care for him, then he will have no choice and at that point I probably won't give a hoot.

I knew after 6 weeks of caring for my mom in my home that I would be ruining my own health and well-being if I did not find a nearby place for her to live. She was still lucid enough then to be able to be a part of choosing the assisted living place where she would go. She was confused at first, wondering why she was there and when she would be leaving.

Once she was there, though, I was able to sleep all night, getting my rest and functioning much better than when she was here 24/7. I was able to be much more patient and loving with her, and supportive of her needs, because my needs were being met. I visit her at least 3 times a week and have a smile on my face the whole time. She is glad to see me and we do fun things. I don't have to be nagging her to brush her teeth, take a bath, eat her food, etc.

I'd be of no use to her if I weren't strong both mentally and physically. Her social security and pension are enough to pay the AL monthly expenses. She has her own privacy, with assistance for bathing, dressing, and medications on site. Plus, there are activities every day. She tells me how wonderful the staff is. They think she's adorable. And she is very sweet to them.

I know that many caregivers swear that they will never put their parent or spouse in "one of those places." But really, if you, the caregiver are stressed and sad and unwell, you might want to explore your options. The stimulation, attention, and interaction with residents and staff at a facility can work wonders for a lonely elderly person.

I guess what I miss the most, other than my freedom to come and go, is the fact others do not want to come here. My friends, extended family members, etc. They stay away. My sister is the only one who comes occasionally. IF we do have any visitors, my Mom will talk to them about ME, in front of me. Also, I've had some health issues and I will hear mom on the phone, talking to my aunt and others - telling them about my personal health issues. Even though they are minor issues, IF I wanted to discuss them with others, I would. It's not her place to inform people about my health. As a result, I find myself not telling her anything at all. I have zero privacy. She will even try to come into the bathroom when I'm taking a bath so I have to make sure the door is locked.

I've thought about taking my husband to one of those centers, too, but I know he wouldn't get out of the car either. Unfortunately, he's not a 5 year old that I can put under my arm and take into the place and plop down. So what do you do? Return to the same old, same old...cry a lot, pray more, and hope that it will be different...which it won't .

what do you do when you stop working to take care of your mom and now you dont have income is there help out there for me financially

BJ1okla... I guess I am lucky, because my mom can be left alone... I can take a trip when I need to get away... And believe me... I need to get away often. But me, I would just like my house to myself once in a while. Why do I always have to run away. My mother has three sisters. It would be so nice if she could stay with one of them for a few days, but like your mom at respite... Mine would NEVER consider it. And all she does is complain how everything is so inconveibt for her at my home..(she's been here for two years). Never a positive word. I gave her two bedrooms and the master bath,, but that's not enough. I just don't think they realize what sacrifices we make to have them in our homes. Instead they are thinking about everything they have given up. But, I will try to bite my tongue and ask god to give me patience. And btw, my mother copies me as well... Not to the extent your does, but she studies everything I buy. One of the other problems I have, is the guilt I feel sometimes.. So much that I find it hard to say NO to her. Eventhough there are many things I would rather do myself, I feel guilty not taking her with me... Regardless of the inconvenience. Oh well.. What can you do....

Bobbi, with all those goes on here, I have never been unkind or raised my voice to my mother. She is critical of me and everything I do. I had a very successful career for 25 years and when I left, a huge appreciation party was given for me and my Mom spent the evening walking around and saying ..."I raised her right, didn't I?" Keep in mind she hated my career (I was a non-profit director) and didn't believe in the 'cause' of my organization -- but still she wanted to take credit for my success. I sometimes feel she is trying to swallow me up until there is nothing of me - left. She wants to dress like me and that's spooky. I will have to almost laugh about some of the things, if it weren't so annoying. Believe me, an 87 year old woman does not look good in a spaghetti top with Rose the Riviter on the front and the slogan "we can do it!" (that is what I wear to mow in, to get sun) ... and she ordered one for herself JUST like it and doesn't wear a bra underneath. I feel like I am the battery charger and she's the dead battery and she sucks her power from me. I love my Mom but I'd just like some breaks. I found a respite center for day care (with activities) and took her there to look it over and she refused to get out of the car!

I feel just like you do. You are not alone. I say a little prayer everyday to try to be nicer, because I know I let things get to me way too much. I get tired of all the negativity, all the times I have to repeat or explain what I have said... Never having any privacy anymore, having to share my space. All the quibbling, and never hearing the word thank you. At least here, you have a place to vent! It's really difficult when roles are reversed. Mom wants to still be the mother. Wish I could offer more advice, rather than just sympathy.

I realize the only way to get my Mom to go to Independent living is to sell my house so she will have to move. I'm peaceful here and would enjoy it if I didn't have to deal with her. I wish she would realize that we (sister and I) will never just move her somewhere and forget about her. I feel like I've never really been away from her for any length of time. Even when my children were younger and my husband and I would plan a vacation, she'd start crying about us leaving (for a week's vacation!) and didn't want us out of her sight. When we bought a new home, she bought one two doors away. My dad didn't want to move but she was the 'boss' -- a phrase she likes to apply to herself. I did escape her when I had a job and got to travel a lot but my poor husband had to deal with her when I was gone. Now he's gone, my oldest son is gone and my other three children really don't want to be around her. So here we sit, the two of us ..... and if I want to escape, I have to give up my home to get her OUT of it.

I have enabled her to get this way. It's my own fault. I would like to have just one month without hearing her voice or seeing her and that may sound terrible to those of you who have lost your mothers. I'm sorry. I'm saturated with her, with her constant advice, her constant instructions about everything. Her stories .. over and over and over ....

I'm just tired. I want energy. I want to travel. I want to do some things I want to do.

Hindsight is always 20/20, isn't it? We need to find a way to extricate ourselves from bad situations. I don't believe it is necessary for anyone to give up his life/livelihood/friends for an aging parent. Yes, we are duty-bound to help, love and care for, but it doesn't mean we have to be hands-on. I don't have that luxury since I am caring for an aging spouse. I made a vow of "in sickness and in health" and I must honor that vow no matter what I have to sacrifice.

Boy can I relate with this. Two years of this and I moved to where my Dad lives. Gave up my entire life! No appreciation/love whatsoever!

Shila,

Sounds like you're fried. Wish your profile specified your Mom's medical conditions so we can all give you useful tips and fuel your hopes things will get better. Whatever the case may be, she must start taking responsibility for her own health. Make a list of the things she can -- & will!! -- do for herself, and see if you can expand the current support network.

Lol! Yes, everything is haywire! Conversation evolves from beginning posts, and so on. Some recommend reading from the beginning. It's like a Soap opera, only scarier:) Welcome, busy. How are you? xo

I am confused....it seems that the answers do
not match the question asked. Maybe the manager
needs to see if things are not going haywire.

Which kind are you taking, Bonnie?

the best thing I have done since mama moving in and taking our bed and bedroom and not being able to walk, or do much of anything for herself, is to get on a anti depressant!!!! It has saved mine and my family's life!!!

I really do hope when mom is gone and this is all over, I will be able to shed the anger and resentment that has taken over my personality and forgive and remember the mother that used to be here. Right now, though, I don't know if I will have that feeling.

I can relate somewhat. I'm finding out parents can be quite demanding. My Mom is not, it's more my Dad who is being that way and it's my Mom who has the dementia. If you feel you need to move her into a healthcare facility to save your health and mental health to be able to continue to care for her, then you have to do what you have to do. Lots of prayers going up for you and your stituation. Sounds like there are several here with lots of love and support.

Alzheimer's and dementia are the worst you watch your loved one get worse and worse and theirs nothing you can do my mom too was very sweet everyone loved her it was so sad to see her confused talking to people that weren't their but the worst was she was so scared in the end I hope no one has to go though that stay strong it's a very rough road that just keeps getting worse but in the end hopefully you'll remember the good and funny times you had

trunner0......correction: THANKS, for your sweet post!!!!

trunner0, I'm sure I will feel that exact same way, when my mom finally leaves this world. Yesterday I took my mom for her physical. The doctor of course, did a series of verbal tests. She failed everyone and looked so confused as to why she was having all these questions thrown at her. I had to leave the room and began sobbing in the hallway. It's not that I was surprised. It was just another reality of how bad her dementia/Alzheimer's has gotten over time. She's so cute and sweet. It's so hard to see her lost in a world that none of us will truly understand. Anyway, as I said, as much as I hope she goes peacefully, before she gets worse, I know that I will miss her so very much. But at least I will know she no longer has to be lost, confused, scared, paranoid, and all the terrible phases that Alzheimer's inflicts on so many people. That's for your sweet post trunner0. Have a good night.

Shilaflores, is there any kind of adult daycare facility in your area that you might be able to tap into? It's usually cheaper than paying someone to come in the home. Often there is a healthy lunch included, and the social interactions are beneficial to the elderly shut-ins. A place to start would be to contact your local Council on Aging or similar. Find out what's out there. Just giving yourself a break a couple of days a week could make a world of difference. You could lunch with friends, relax and read a book, get some exercise, and just have some precious "me time". You might find that your mom's mood and energy level might lift because she's getting out and about and having new experiences.
Good luck, and take care of yourself - you are giving so much of yourself. You deserve some R&R!

Marienja that's just how I felt I also wish see would just go to sleep but know I regret that terribly did know how much I'd miss her

I miss my mom and she is still with me. I care for my mom, but she is no longer the same woman she was when we were growing up. My mom cannot care for herself due to a broken leg and Alzheimer's, while she is physically here and we can do some things together, I am now the parent.

I realize that care giving is a challenge, but I miss talking with my mom and while I can now it is not a meaningful conversation. So I miss her and she is alive, my siblings do not get what is going on yet and that sadness me.

My husband lost his mother to vascular dementia and he made the choice to see her twice a week after his dad put her in a nursing home. My husband now has a lot of guilt over not spending more time with his mother.

So one has to ask themselves do you want to handle the situation now or have guilt later on. My husband's mother has been gone for about 5 or 6 years now and his guilt is no less today than it was then. I am going to have some siblings that have some guilt when mom is truly gone, I have tried to talk with them and they do not want to hear.

Some of my days are a real challenge and I feel very overwhelmed, but I know that I am doing the right thing. I also know that the feelings will pass, I have this group to talk with and my friends. I have a couple of friends that have been caregivers and have now lost their parents, so I talk with them frequently.

My husband and I now use the expression that it is a new normal when my mom's behavior changes. It is not easy to watch, but the woman that was really my mother is gone and what she is now is more childlike behavior and more of the child I did not have.

So when one gets overwhelmed and tired, I just try to remember why I do what I do and why I care for my mom. It is not a task for the faint of heart, but I know that I am doing what is right. This is how I move on when the days get tough and I know that when she is gone that I will have done my best. I will let my siblings deal with their guilt because of their choices.

OK now.......I'm glad I read your post before putting on my makeup!!! I cannot see through my tears right now, so I'll write later. I always get so emotional imaging my mom gone.. Thank you, as always, for all the wonderful words you have to offer so many of us. You see, you're not the only "softie". lol Gotta go finish crying and putting on my makeup. I'm taking mom for her cpx. ttyl

Marlenia123, I lost my mom 2yrs ago February. It is still hard for me ,even at my age ,mid 50's! Mom was only 74! I didn't visit her like I thought I should have, until she got ill. I will always feel that I didn't do enough, but I know that what I did do was what was necessary at the time! Mom had 9 children, 7 still living. I am 2nd from the eldest, so my sibs look to me, when big sis isn't available, for comfort and advice. You see , I was the only one in the room with my mom when she passed. Kind of ironic since I was the one in my family known as the "cry baby"!! That was the plan for me I guess to make me stronger!?? Whatever the case, it HAS made me a lot more able to cope in stressful situations. I am still a softie but with resolve now!! I will ALWAYS miss mom!! But I know in my heart that I did what she needed at the time she needed it done. So, I am at peace with this now....but by peace I mean, with not doing enough for her...not at,... not being with her. I sure hope you understand what I am trying to say here. We all are blessed with what we need to know, just not WHEN we need to know it...haha! Godbless and hugs to you :)

Good reply/advice "stressedmom"! I know I will miss my mom terribly! As much as I wish (some days), that she would just fall asleep and go peacefully, it will be so difficult for me. Thanks for those very heartfelt words!