My mom lives with me, I am tired, angry, and frustrated. HELP!

I feel your pain and wish I could give you a big hug. Difficult people come in all shapes, sizes, colors and ages. They all have relatives......US, that's right, some of us are not as lucky as others and other family members need to step in and help. I could just throw my head into a pillow and sob like a baby with everything that is put on me. Shila........I wish we were neighbors and could support each other and make time for things we enjoy to get us through......hugs.

I can most certainly identify with you. One year ago I was in the exact same place. I took my mother out of the nursing home my sister had put her in and then brought her to live with me. My mom was 87 and in poor health when she got here. I was tired, irritable, and would sometimes wish she would just let go so I could have my life back. She did just that a couple of months before her 90th birthday. I have cried for her every day since. I realize now how precious those years with her were. We learned things about each other that we had not known. I got to hear about her childhood and so many other things. The work of taking care of her...sleepless nights, special diets, hospital stays, doctor's appointments, lifting a wheelchair into my trunk...those memories are fading. Now I am able to remember the mom who took care of me. The one who was so tired that she put me in the tub with one sock and shoe still on. The one who lost sleep waiting up for me to get home. The one who dragged herself out at night to all of the school events I was a part of, despite being tired from working all day. My mom took care of me for nineteen years, I took care of her for less than three. I didn't do it because I had to, I did it out of love. I know that when I was in the same place you are now that I wouldn't have been able to see it like this. But my wish for you is that your mom was a good mom who loved you and would have done anything for you. I hope that your mom is still mentally clear enough to be able to tell you all the things that you will need to carry in your heart when she is gone and you are missing her. Not everyone has such a mom as this, but I did and I still had to vent and had my moments of actually wishing her dead. Now I am told it is normal to feel guilty and have regrets. My wish for you is that you can save the good memories and let the pain of caregiving fade away. Just as our children grow up too fast and move away, your mother will move on and you will be glad that you had that special time together. And if your mom is anything at all like mine, she will take a piece of your heart with her.

Unlike many of you who had great mothers, from a very early age I avoided mine as much as possible. Life long she's been narcissistic, demeaning, demanding and generally hateful to anyone who had the misfortune to cross her path. She refused to care for her own parents when they were old and sick because it would be too much trouble. She told me a couple of years ago that when I was a child "I didn't want children hanging on my skirts, I just wanted to go have a good time". Her life revolved around shopping and having a good time. My father put her on a pedestal and also pushed me away - she treated him like dirt. Basically I've been alone forever. When she could no longer manage alone, purely out of duty I sold my home, gave up my career and moved to care for her. It was four years of pure hell. Eventually needing care 24/7 (Parkinsons & dementia) she went into a NH a year ago. Three months ago she fell and broke a hip and has been in a wheelchair ever since.

A week ago she had a stroke (has had a few over the years) and is now deemed palliative. The RN at the NH told me we just go day by day. She sleeps all the time, barely eats, refuses to be bathed, is confused, can't speak intelligibly and is convinced her mother, who passed in 74, calls her name and is often in her room with her which I gather is quite common towards the end. I've been visiting, taking lunch to tempt her to eat something, but she's basically fading away.

What do I feel? Frankly, nothing and that's what's bothering me. I feel that I "should" be visiting every day and trying to get her to eat but it would only be out of duty and each time is another day sucked out of my life. Last evening I sat down and went over a lifetime of being the victim of her narcissism and determined I'd visit no more than once or twice a week.

My new home, a wee cottage on 2 acres in the country, needs a ton of work, I have my dog & 3 cats plus her dog and cat to care for and I'm trying to rebuild my life. Close to 65, it's my time now.

All I have to say is that I absolutely detest that 'You owe your mother because she raised you' mentality. No, actually, I've never owed my abusive, narcissistic mother jack. What I do, I do out of mercy and pity and compassion...damn sure not because I OWE her. My kids, who were much better raised, don't OWE me squat for making my OWN choice to have them, thanks. They OWE themselves a great life, not to be bogged down, sacrificing and getting sick themselves, dealing with me if I ever get alz/dementia. Put me in a home, visit when you can, and LIVE LIFE as you should...that's what I've told my own kids. OWE somebody? Freaking please.

Ferris I am appauld by your response. You have no idea what these caretakers are going through. Every life has a history and before you pass judgment you must walk in their moccasins.We are not whining, yet we are speaking and telling and reaching out if you will,will to people like ourselves who are experiencing something we never thought of up until now. Yes our mothers did take care of us while growing up and yes we are giving back by taking care of them, but life.has certainly come to a stop for most of us. No matter how much you try to put into this so call caretaking it has never been so difficult as it is now. We are not whining as you see it, but we are trying to make things right and do what's best for our parents.some of us are stronger than others answer can handle certain situations different. I don't know where you stand in all this, but it seems as though you have no idea what these people including myself is going through. Before you start.passing judgment, I would suggest you put yourself in everybody show and then make comments accordingly otherwise don't say a damn thing because all you're doing is offending those who are trying to reach out for support, those who are sharing experiences to find better ways to deal with our loved ones. You have no idea what every chapter holds. Every life has their very own history. So please step back and let us reach out our way!!!!

My mom is 82 diagnosed with dementia/vascular Alzheimer 3 years ago. She is now in stage 5. Withing the last two months she has been hospitalized 3 times unaware of her surroundings, people and places. I remember growing up poor, neglected by her love for me because she was an alcoholic. She had 8 children two (my oldest brothers) who are now deceased. One brother 47 dying from cancer, one brother 55 born with down syndrome. A sister 47 with full stage of multiple sclerosis home bound bed confined and contracted. My youngest brother 42 who fell through the cracks of poverty and ended up serving 25 to life and another sister who is 52 who turned being a mental case due to our environment and abusive up bringing. Growing up wasn't easy. I was physically and verbally abused by both my mom and my step father. My mother verbally abused me and my step father physically and verbally abused me. I am an incest survivor by many people because my mother would lose herself to booze. I became an adult at the she of 8 having to pick up on get life so that my siblings wouldn't go without. I did this until I was 15 soI had no childhood. I was robbed of my childhood to provide for my siblings. I knew my life wasn't quite right so I took the initiative to make things right for them. I never heard the words I love you only when she was intoxicated which was almost every night. Never got a hug. I became my step fathers wife. He knew what to do to get to me and that was to get her drink. I remember him telling me that should I ever say anything to anyone, he would kill me and my mom. I feared for my life. I became very withdrawn from life at times wanting to end it all. Attempted suicide a few times, but just didn't succeed. My step dad passed in 1991 from cancer as I stood by his side because mom turned her back on him. I was all he had and I saw to it that he had a decent burial. I was the only one there for him. Now I have taken complete responsibility forums care and she continues to verbally abuse me. She wishes she had aborted me as I am disfigured because she did try to abort me with a hanger while in her womb. Yet knowing I never wanted to raise the issue so she wouldn't know that I knew the truth, but since get diagnoses she had been opening chapters in my life I once tried to close and it hurts. This is why we are all here Ferris 1 to be able to find comfort and some kind of.peace amongst each other. By coming here we are sharing experiences and life long history. We are supporting one another and helping each other to see that there is light at the end of the tunnel. It all depends on us. We do have choices and the choice is up to us. Point being, all that my mom has done to me I am still here holding her tall until I cannot do it any longer. I have walked many miles my moccasins and no one can tell you enough until you're ready to hang those moccasins up. In the mean time I have no choice but to find balance in my life. Amen!!! Thank you all for your support!!!

I understand 100% how you feel. I went through a very similar situation and was exhausted to the point of considering drastic measures. I called every possible agency and my mom's doctors. It took a while but she was recently placed in long-term care. It sucks because I still feel like I failed her but we also are entitled to have lives! I promise you that you will be OK and will pray for you in the meantime.

Teebee, I agree with you...the mother/daughter relationship that once was is gone. I am so frustrated, angry, exhausted, lonely that I find it hard just to sit and try to enjoy her company anymore. It is extremely frustrating because I see her interacting with others appropriately, but when it comes to me just acts like a baby and has to be told every thing to do.

Exactly Goldengirl1

BTW serenity59....bravo! I could not have said it better myself

Yeah, I know what you mean...the staff all heard about "my daughter the doctor" but I usually heard about my daughter the idiot who looks like a drip. Being snapped at and criticized nearly all the time was just toxic.

Dear Shilaflores,
My suggestion is to ask for help. You can't do everything on your own.
My elderly mom is 86 and living with us a year now. She had been fairly independent until her fall on 9/9 13 two days before her scheduled total hip replacement. She fell and broke her neck. I lived with her for 3 months after she got out of rehab facility. She later had a heart attack and we deciding to remodel our home and have her live with us. She has had numerous falls. I have a part time counseling practice a 7 year old daughter and my husband is trying to keep his mom out of assisted living. I had a heart scare recently and it worked out ok but I need monitoring every 6 months. I empathize with you. It is exhausting and draining at times. I knew when to seek help by having a friend help me at the house. My mom is stubborn and thinks she can do more than she can...... My hope is she can stay with us unless she falls again and breaks a hip or becomes confused. I hope none of this happens. My sister offers little help. She works 60 hours a week. My mom doesn't expect me to care for her but can be impatient and demanding.... I made the decision to do this. It is not for everyone. It has affected our life tremendously. I will do this as long as I can because I choose to. I am working hard to find balance and am open to help with this.
Find resources and realize it is ok to get help and not ok to become consumed. I am learning to set limits and finding alone time. Thankfully we have a two story house.
Take care!!!!

I am 84 years old. I never want to be a burden to anyone. I will live alone as long as possible and then I will gladly go to assisted living. I love my independence and want to remain this way. I was caregiver for my mom until she was 94 and it isn't easy. I don't feel our children owe it to us to take us in. I loved Mom, but I had no life. Don't feel guilty for not taking Mom or Dad into your home. Yes, it is good to see that they are somewhere safe and are cared for. I hear many older people say that their kids owe them. It just isn't true. If we truly love our children, we will give them the gift of freedom to live their own lives. Guilt is a terrible thing to pass to anyone.

Well said, Bett!

Thank you Bettwalker, even though I already knew that, it's really nice to hear it from someone who has lived through it, and who is practicing t going forward! I couldn't agree more!

oh my goodness, I TOTALLY relate! I took my mother into my home just over 4 years ago. At that time she had her own living space , kitchenette in the basement etc. I went thru a nasty divorce last year however and needed to downsize. I was very fortunate to be able to buy a house nearby for my two daughters, mom and myself. this home if much smaller of course and she has her bedroom but must share a bathroom and every other living space.

I started with good intentions, my father passed, mom's memory and cognition was declining and she frankly had no real money to live alone. I look at this now and I do regret taking this on in ways since my sister and brother REFUSE to help, they just IGNORE any attempts I make to ask for their help with either giving of their homes, to allow a much needed break for us or any financial help. they constantly put me down for how I handle mother, although they will NOT step up and help at all.
meanwhile mother overspends, does things in the house I have DELIBERATLY said please ask before doing or just pls don't do that, she does it anyway! she is stubborn now, difficult and says I owe her because she "raised Me"...yet she doesn't require the same of my two older siblings! I"m now so hurt and furious and all I want is peace for my precious girls and myself. Please Help!!
I work long 10 hour days in the hospital and I never know what I'm coming home to find that she has broken, that I can't afford to fix. she shops all the time online and yet refuses to help pay any of the vast expenses we have. she has about 2000 a month coming in and it's crazy..I still pay her storage fee of her stuff (250/mo.), her cell phone (she has an iphone she went and purchased without discussing on my plan)..long story :(
She ruined my hard wood floors going behind my back ordered some oily mess, put in on my floor when i was at work ! I'm snapping inside. I have no idea how to get her out of my house and keep her safe with such limited funds. we live in canton ga

ps...she holds my two siblings up on a pedestal and wont even discuss talking with them about staying with them even some of the time...she and I used to be so close, now I am amazed at how miserable this is :(

I can so relate to you..I have the same issue with my sister who does NOTHING to help in any way! Hang in there!!

I get frustrated too.  I live with my Mom at her house since her illness and have literally given up my life.  I am angry and frustrated my brothers get to live their own and I have to be the live in.   She thinks so much of their time but I am just taken for granted.  Want to leave now~!!!~