My mom lives with me, I am tired, angry, and frustrated. HELP!

the best thing I have done since mama moving in and taking our bed and bedroom and not being able to walk, or do much of anything for herself, is to get on a anti depressant!!!! It has saved mine and my family's life!!!

Which kind are you taking, Bonnie?

I am confused....it seems that the answers do
not match the question asked. Maybe the manager
needs to see if things are not going haywire.

Lol! Yes, everything is haywire! Conversation evolves from beginning posts, and so on. Some recommend reading from the beginning. It's like a Soap opera, only scarier:) Welcome, busy. How are you? xo

Shila,

Sounds like you're fried. Wish your profile specified your Mom's medical conditions so we can all give you useful tips and fuel your hopes things will get better. Whatever the case may be, she must start taking responsibility for her own health. Make a list of the things she can -- & will!! -- do for herself, and see if you can expand the current support network.

Boy can I relate with this. Two years of this and I moved to where my Dad lives. Gave up my entire life! No appreciation/love whatsoever!

Hindsight is always 20/20, isn't it? We need to find a way to extricate ourselves from bad situations. I don't believe it is necessary for anyone to give up his life/livelihood/friends for an aging parent. Yes, we are duty-bound to help, love and care for, but it doesn't mean we have to be hands-on. I don't have that luxury since I am caring for an aging spouse. I made a vow of "in sickness and in health" and I must honor that vow no matter what I have to sacrifice.

I realize the only way to get my Mom to go to Independent living is to sell my house so she will have to move. I'm peaceful here and would enjoy it if I didn't have to deal with her. I wish she would realize that we (sister and I) will never just move her somewhere and forget about her. I feel like I've never really been away from her for any length of time. Even when my children were younger and my husband and I would plan a vacation, she'd start crying about us leaving (for a week's vacation!) and didn't want us out of her sight. When we bought a new home, she bought one two doors away. My dad didn't want to move but she was the 'boss' -- a phrase she likes to apply to herself. I did escape her when I had a job and got to travel a lot but my poor husband had to deal with her when I was gone. Now he's gone, my oldest son is gone and my other three children really don't want to be around her. So here we sit, the two of us ..... and if I want to escape, I have to give up my home to get her OUT of it.

I have enabled her to get this way. It's my own fault. I would like to have just one month without hearing her voice or seeing her and that may sound terrible to those of you who have lost your mothers. I'm sorry. I'm saturated with her, with her constant advice, her constant instructions about everything. Her stories .. over and over and over ....

I'm just tired. I want energy. I want to travel. I want to do some things I want to do.

I feel just like you do. You are not alone. I say a little prayer everyday to try to be nicer, because I know I let things get to me way too much. I get tired of all the negativity, all the times I have to repeat or explain what I have said... Never having any privacy anymore, having to share my space. All the quibbling, and never hearing the word thank you. At least here, you have a place to vent! It's really difficult when roles are reversed. Mom wants to still be the mother. Wish I could offer more advice, rather than just sympathy.

Bobbi, with all those goes on here, I have never been unkind or raised my voice to my mother. She is critical of me and everything I do. I had a very successful career for 25 years and when I left, a huge appreciation party was given for me and my Mom spent the evening walking around and saying ..."I raised her right, didn't I?" Keep in mind she hated my career (I was a non-profit director) and didn't believe in the 'cause' of my organization -- but still she wanted to take credit for my success. I sometimes feel she is trying to swallow me up until there is nothing of me - left. She wants to dress like me and that's spooky. I will have to almost laugh about some of the things, if it weren't so annoying. Believe me, an 87 year old woman does not look good in a spaghetti top with Rose the Riviter on the front and the slogan "we can do it!" (that is what I wear to mow in, to get sun) ... and she ordered one for herself JUST like it and doesn't wear a bra underneath. I feel like I am the battery charger and she's the dead battery and she sucks her power from me. I love my Mom but I'd just like some breaks. I found a respite center for day care (with activities) and took her there to look it over and she refused to get out of the car!

BJ1okla... I guess I am lucky, because my mom can be left alone... I can take a trip when I need to get away... And believe me... I need to get away often. But me, I would just like my house to myself once in a while. Why do I always have to run away. My mother has three sisters. It would be so nice if she could stay with one of them for a few days, but like your mom at respite... Mine would NEVER consider it. And all she does is complain how everything is so inconveibt for her at my home..(she's been here for two years). Never a positive word. I gave her two bedrooms and the master bath,, but that's not enough. I just don't think they realize what sacrifices we make to have them in our homes. Instead they are thinking about everything they have given up. But, I will try to bite my tongue and ask god to give me patience. And btw, my mother copies me as well... Not to the extent your does, but she studies everything I buy. One of the other problems I have, is the guilt I feel sometimes.. So much that I find it hard to say NO to her. Eventhough there are many things I would rather do myself, I feel guilty not taking her with me... Regardless of the inconvenience. Oh well.. What can you do....

what do you do when you stop working to take care of your mom and now you dont have income is there help out there for me financially

I've thought about taking my husband to one of those centers, too, but I know he wouldn't get out of the car either. Unfortunately, he's not a 5 year old that I can put under my arm and take into the place and plop down. So what do you do? Return to the same old, same old...cry a lot, pray more, and hope that it will be different...which it won't .

I guess what I miss the most, other than my freedom to come and go, is the fact others do not want to come here. My friends, extended family members, etc. They stay away. My sister is the only one who comes occasionally. IF we do have any visitors, my Mom will talk to them about ME, in front of me. Also, I've had some health issues and I will hear mom on the phone, talking to my aunt and others - telling them about my personal health issues. Even though they are minor issues, IF I wanted to discuss them with others, I would. It's not her place to inform people about my health. As a result, I find myself not telling her anything at all. I have zero privacy. She will even try to come into the bathroom when I'm taking a bath so I have to make sure the door is locked.

I knew after 6 weeks of caring for my mom in my home that I would be ruining my own health and well-being if I did not find a nearby place for her to live. She was still lucid enough then to be able to be a part of choosing the assisted living place where she would go. She was confused at first, wondering why she was there and when she would be leaving.

Once she was there, though, I was able to sleep all night, getting my rest and functioning much better than when she was here 24/7. I was able to be much more patient and loving with her, and supportive of her needs, because my needs were being met. I visit her at least 3 times a week and have a smile on my face the whole time. She is glad to see me and we do fun things. I don't have to be nagging her to brush her teeth, take a bath, eat her food, etc.

I'd be of no use to her if I weren't strong both mentally and physically. Her social security and pension are enough to pay the AL monthly expenses. She has her own privacy, with assistance for bathing, dressing, and medications on site. Plus, there are activities every day. She tells me how wonderful the staff is. They think she's adorable. And she is very sweet to them.

I know that many caregivers swear that they will never put their parent or spouse in "one of those places." But really, if you, the caregiver are stressed and sad and unwell, you might want to explore your options. The stimulation, attention, and interaction with residents and staff at a facility can work wonders for a lonely elderly person.

I think it's great that there are such wonderful places for our loved ones...paying for it is another story. Then, too, there are those whose loved ones will NOT go to AL under any circumstances...until it's too late for everyone. I'll be in that boat because my husband who has dementia and whose declined is in a fast spiral will NOT even consider the idea of AL. The time will come when I am too old and too sick to care for him, then he will have no choice and at that point I probably won't give a hoot.

Scared - do you think that people like us will EVER get the guts to stand up for ourselves and 'become the parent' and put them where they are safe and cared for?

Not too likely. We remain children forever...in my case since I'm dealing with my stubborn husband, it's even worse. He never was one for making joint decisions...it was usually what he wanted, when he wanted it, how he wanted it, where he wanted it and why he wanted it. Now I'm paying the price for being so naive. Think I'd know better...I was 38 when I married him, twice divorced, dated him for 7 years and WORKED with him for 11 years to boot! Love is soooo blind and hindsight is 20/20. Dig deep down, find a good support group and pray for courage to say "Enough is enough! No one is happy. No one is benefiting from the way things are. It has to change and here is the best and ONLY viable solution!" You probably didn't want to go to pre-school or kindergarten or dance class or piano lessons or baseball practice either, but some how your parents found courage to send you because they knew it was best for all concerned. They couldn't teach you to read and write and do arithmetic and dance or play the piano or play baseball so they sent you to someone who could. So why can't we send out loved ones who can help them far better than we. Caregivers in AL, etc, don't work 24/7/365...they work 8 hours a day, 5 days a week and get 2 weeks or more paid vacation. Don't we deserve as much? You bet your tushie we do! Amen and hallelujah!

:) at the amen and hallelujah! My mom has always been controlling. When I rebelled at 16 and got married young, she lost control and started in on my sister, who was two years younger than me. I've been trying to come to terms with myself about the guilt, if I force her to move. She's SO comfortable here, has things her way, doesn't contribute financially, spends/spends/spends, shops all the time. One of my escapes is working on my yard, being outside. She has started dragging a light-weight chair around to WATCH me work. I used to 'escape' to the nearby casino occasionally because she wouldn't go. She thinks playing slots is a sin and says she wouldn't want to be in a casino if the 'lord returns' and would find her there. (she actually pretends to be religious but if her behavior depicts 'religion' -- I want no part of it.) So I would go to the casino, take $40 and just sit there and relax. I loved it! Then she decided she wanted to go -- but not to play slots -- just to eat and 'watch people.' So she started going when I'd go. So I stopped going.

My sister has offered to help her move, get her set up in an apartment or AL - and my Mom has the funds for it -- and I'm just going to have to DO it. I've been thinking of selling my home just to get her out of it. But it's my home and I like it here, with the wild critters, the beautiful lake behind my house ... and my husband and I worked so hard to pay for it.

I so wish I could get her to move and go visit HER, for a change. Heck, I might even go into her kitchen, make a huge mess -- then leave. :)

I found the perfect place for my mom. It's beautiful. It's a small area of new duplexes, wooded lots, 2-bedroom, 2 bath and even an attached single car garage (my mom still drives and has her own car.) It's income based and her income is just RIGHT to qualify. It would only be $574 per month and that includes all utilities, even cable TV. The second bedroom is for guests such as friends, children and grandchildren, when they 'visit.' No one can move in with her but she would be allowed to have overnight guests up to 14 nights per month. She has teenage great grandchildren that would spend time with her there. Two of them even drive and like to drive her around on errands. But NO ... she said if I would move there, she would move. But I don't qualify to live there, financially. My sister is in favor of just moving her there, not giving her a choice. It's 7 minutes away from my house and 10 minutes away from my sister's house. There is also a community center there and a full time person working there, in case of emergencies. In addition, the small police dept. is right next door to the complex. She could even have her small dog live there with her. I've taken her there twice to look around and she won't get out of the car to see the inside. (I have showed her photos on their website so she knows it's nice.) When we drove through the area, there were so many ladies her age, sitting together on their little porches, drinking coffee together. They waved at her and she turned her head. She said ...'look at all those old people, guzzling coffee in the afternoon!' Mom is 87 but often refers to people younger than her as 'old people.'

My sister says our Mom is afraid of dying and clings to me as a life-source, thinking I can keep her alive. I think she's right. I do know she's sucking the life out of ME.

I understand completely and so do the rest of the folks on this site. Some day I want to be able to say "been there; done that; got the t-shirt" and remember only the good times...because there are some. Faith in God and prayer are my salvation. I get great vocal support from my church family because there is none from my physical family. But that's OK. I can at least look myself in the mirror every day and say "At least you're trying." Some day that will be "At least I tried.:" None of this is good or bad; it just IS. So plan your strategy, find the place with the BEST CARE even if it isn't the prettiest (beauty is in the eye of the beholder and is only skin deep). Quality care is THE most important factor. Talk to the people there. They know how to deal with those who don't want to come there, but MUST for everyone's health and well-being. Then sit Mom down and tell her the way it is. If you can find a couple of places you think would work ask her to go for a tour/visit. Sometimes they'll let you and the potential resident stay and eat, participate in activities. Important to talk to staff, residents and any visitors you might run into to get the real scoop. If she won't go for a visit, tell her then she has made her choice and YOU (and your siblings) will decide where and when. Stay strong!

Years ago my husband's 90+ something Mother was in the hospital. She was in a small ward 4 or 6 beds, I think. She pulled her son down to her face and said, "Why did they put me in here with all these old people?" What a hoot! Geez, I wish when I looked in the mirror I saw that "stunningly beautiful, well-built, fit-as-a-fiddle 20-something girl who had great hopes and dreams of saving the world! :-) Tell your Mom they are sharing great gossip or dirty stories or whatever might peak her curiosity! Maybe she'll want to get out and listen in! :-)

Bj1okla... Your mom sounds so much like mine. It's like they have no life of their own, so they have to talk about ours. Mine repeats everything I say to her sister. I've told her over and over not to talk about me... My life is not that interesting. And yes yes yes, she wants to come into the bathroom to chat when I'm in there. I would never do that to my kids! As for finances, I had to retire when my mother moved in. We rent out her home... Of that she gives my 350 a month, however, I use that to pay for cleaning the house (I now have 4 dogs, my 2 and her 2) and my cleaning lady is her renter! So essentially, she is living here for free. I struggle, because I don't get ss yet, and she sits with a huge bank account. Don't know why she got so selfish... She was very generous when she was younger. I think though, for me, it's that she doesn't appreciate what I do. It's all taken for granted.. Never a thank you.

Please remember that people with dementia don't always know that you are doing the work. It gets done and they think they've done it! I know my husband thinks he does things around here. Something he did 10 years ago was yesterday to him! Yes, that is the way it is. I would agree, though, that there are many who do take it all for granted, but I also believe that is not a new behavior. When my husband was working and had to wear suit/tie/white shirt, I would spend hours ironing those things after washing, etc. Never a "thank you". I once said that I am waiting for him to open the closet and say, "It's a miracle! Look at all these clean shirts, hung so carefully; ironed so beautifully! There must be angels here."

Just had to share this... Ugh.... Went with my mom for dinner at my sons on mothers day. We were having such a nice time until my mother said " I don't feel like a mother any more. All I have is HER!" My mouth must have dropped open... After everything I do for her! Just a little background... Every Saturday night, I see my boyfriend. When I was on my way home, I called my mother to see if she wanted to go see Great Gatsby for Mother's Day. She snapped "no" right away. U see, she is mad whenever I see him. So we didn't do anything that day, other than dinner with my son. Then she announced at the table I didn't do anything for her for Mother's Day. I was so hurt and angry the way she dismissed me. And everything I do for her. She appreciates nothing. I had made up my mind I was going to show her what its really like not to have a daughter. But I softened. I just can't be that mean to her. Just wish someone would point out to her how lucky she is to have me.

Feris I disagree with you totally, You need more Love and compassion in your heart.

Bobbi, your family knew better when Mom went off like that. Still you have to wonder where they get off sucking the joy out of everything...I guess they actualy believe on some level that everything wrong with them is their main caregiver's fault and every one else should know that, or already does...Ugh. Hope I am never like that. I better get to work on being a nice person as much as possible so it will be a habit :-)

I think this conversation, overall, brings up ethical and emotional questions about responsibilities and 'limits.' I believe for each of us, there is an inner sense of 'what's right' and that if one does the 'personal best' at any given moment, this is very important. You have your own conscience to live with, ultimately, as a human being. How would we want others to treat us? What would we expect and hope for, and what would be reasonable? The conditions change, and the limits on what can be done change too. "Elders" would not be as dependent if they were able to be independent! That's the bottom line. They do not choose their condition, just as we do not choose which parents we are born to. We engage in the big condition of being human - together. What we do when faced with challenges - is very important to defining who we are- our emotions, our characters. We have to create a society that values the entire life span - we have to teach children to respect that life span, and do our best as adults to respect the beginning and the end of life. So - this is very philosophical, but sometimes I think emotions need to be guided by philosophy- so that we can try to align ourselves emotionally with the best possible goals. Grappling with one's emotions when caring for elders is part of the entire process - it's inevitable there will be inner conflicts. Sharing the conflictual feelings doesn't make a person a 'bad' human being - having conflictual feelings isn't bad. It's how you handle them and what 'actions' you take related to your elders- that's what ultimately counts. - My 2 cents worth of philosophizing!

I've been working in my garage to empty it out. This is something I am doing in anticipation of selling my home. Oh my goodness, Mom is driving me nuts. She doesn't want me to toss anything and this is MY home, My stuff. Not hers. She's telling me how wasteful I am and how I could sell everything in a garage sale. I am NOT tossing good stuff and I am planning to have a garage sale -- but she wanted me to save a chair that's broken beyond repair and she ended up taking the seat cushion out of it (ugly!) and putting it in her law chair outside! Ugly! Ugly! So I am trying to wait until she's sleeping to toss things. I was taking a break, sitting outside for fresh air and she came out and asked me if I'd heard from my sister. I told her yes -- I had talked with her and they (sister and brother in law) were out for the evening, enjoying going to a steak house with friends. She said .."they GO too much! They are entangled with too many friends!" She's never had friends and doesn't understand the concept of social outings with people. I would give anything to be able to once again go out with friends for a nice meal. I have been stuck here since Dec. 7th without a break from Mom. The sad thing is ... since she's gotten so cranky and judgmental, no one wants to come here to visit me because of her. I feel so trapped.

One of these nights I am just going to pack up a few things and leave for a few days. Then others will be forced to step in. Talking to them does no good as they are indifferent to the situation and feel Mom should be in assisted living (they are right) or senior housing (they are right) but they don't have to listen to her cry when I suggest it. So they say I am bringing this situation on myself.

*make that LAWN chair ... although she does 'lay down the law (her words) about how she has NO Intentions of moving. :)