My mom lives with me, I am tired, angry, and frustrated. HELP!

Thank you, lefaucon. I know what you say is true, and I try very hard to remember that with God all things are possible and that someday will be better. Being human, though, I'd sure like that someday to be now or for the "now" to be easier. Somedays it is just too much and I can't even find the words to pray.

gsw92498 - I know there might be some who would say "shame on you", but I believe you did the right thing. I, too, believe my husband has "selective" remembering (as well as the proverbial male "selective" hearing). No, CG-ing isn't a blessing, but it is a means to an end...knowing we did what we had to do for the sake of our loved one is the right thing to do, but when it takes away from you all you were, it needs to be changed. Somewhere, somehow, some day, there will be a better way. It's the waiting that is so hard. So very hard.

gsw92482 you are not blessed! You are burned out! You are 63 years old and need a break. Glad you are using boundaries with your mother, but you need more. Is there enough financial ability to use a caregiver or adult daycare? There will come a time when you may no longer give her the kind of care you can provide. Your emotional and physical wellbeing is a priority for you. When you have to find different living arragements for her don't fret about it. You have done more than most people would have done under your circumstances. I am with you!

Something that stands out to me with all of our posts, we seem to feel 'guilt' and that's something I don't understand. I feel 'guilt' because my only sister doesn't want to spend time with Mom, take her anywhere or do anything for her. I feel badly for my Mom that it's this way. However, my sister has her hands full with raising grandchildren, grown children with drug problems -- and she has tried in the past to 'connect' with Mom. Mom says there is too much drama with my sister's life so everything is left up to me. I can't figure out WHY I feel guilty if I manage to steal a couple of hours for myself away from her. My Mom is very good at making me feel guilty if I take time for myself. Why do I fall into the guilt trap? A lot of us here seem to fall into that trap.

Debralee, I think, is right - gsw needs those times away, but Mom probably is getting to where she is not safe left by herself. Some respite arrangement would give them both more of what they need to go on!

Respite. Senior citizen's center activities. NONE of these things are acceptable to my Mom. She flatly refuses to go. While her health isn't perfect (she has heart artery stents), she is still able to drive some, manages her financial affairs and cooks (and makes huge messes in my kitchen.) She's controlling and I think she feels that since I'm a widow .... I owe her my time.

It sounds like your feelings are not very important to her..There is nothing wrong with you wanting a little "me time" and nothing to feel guilty about. If anyone should feel guilty its her! She should accept your help graciously, be considerate of your needs, and try to cooperate a little. How unfair!

Talk to the people at the center where you'd like to take your Mom. They are used to dealing with this behavior. Many times you can go and stay with them for the day or for a few hours to help her acclimate. Remember what it was like taking your children to day care or school for the first time? It rips your heart out, but it's necessary for everyone's health and sanity. Use the "try it you'll like it approach"...be nice but firm...I know, I know...easier said than done. I guess I am trying to psych myself up to it as much as encourage you, because it is getting to the point that I have to do something with my husband so I can have some semblance of a life. We all need to find the courage...we have to dig deep...pray and try harder. We all know it's what is best in the long run. God bless!

bj10: try to imagine this: In your mind's eye, you see a big chalk board. Take a big piece of chalk and write the word GUILT in big, bold letters. Now grab the eraser and erase that word off the board. Sounds strange? Just give it a try. Really, really visualize what you are doing. Maybe it will help. Good luck and God bless.

There is talk about guilt, but I don't feel guilt in caring for my mom and I won't allow anyone to make me feel that way. I believe that in caring for my mom I am doing the right thing.

I have been to nursing homes and I know about their abuse, I want my mom to be treated better than that. I know that care giving is tough, but I also know that you cannot make anyone feel guilty unless you allow them to make you feel guilty.

Think about why are caring for the person you love and hold fast to that. Care giving is tough and no easy task. But do not let anyone make you feel guilty about why you do it and being a care giver.

I take a lot of crap from family and have, sorry to say I am just a Bitch to them now and tell them to mind their own business. In fact, I have little contact with them because it is not healthy for me and it is not healthy for my mom. I try to make sure the environment is healthy for both of us.

So remember why you are caring for your loved one and remember there will be days that we feel extremely low. I have my share of bad days, but I have conversations with myself, pray and talk with people here. This is a great group of people that are happy to share their stories.

I've read all of the posts and it leaves me wondering what I should do about my father. He is 74 years old and recently had to go into FT nursing home care. He lost all of his independence at once due to dementia that caused him to forget his insulin. He has been a diabetic for abt 15-20 years and has done very well up to the past couple of years. Problem is, Now that the hospital and nursing home have gotten his levels to normal, he wants out of the nursing home. He has enough awareness to know that he hates it. Every time I go up there he tells me how bad he wants out etc. I feel extremely guilty about it. Like I have caged a bird that wants to fly. He had instance of falling when his levels were off but is physically doing much better. At first he was very weak and could barely get up. Then he got progressively better and better. He is supposed to have rehab starting the first of the month. I just don't know what I should do. I don't like the NH environment either although I have made him as comfortable as I can. I am trying to decide if I should leave him in a nursing home or have him with me until it gets to where I can't manage him. He doesn't want to be a burden either and I don't want to take on something that I can't handle. I was a single mother of 3 girls for years but they are gone and grown up so it would only affect me. I am a caretaker by nature and my father and I are sort of close but can lock horns from time to time. I am worried that he won't do what I ask since he is a bigger man. I would also need to get a bigger place but moving is ok. That isn't my concern. I am concerned that I won't be able to handle him at night when he gets up and walks around. I could probably get some help to come in during the day while at work but I can't afford full time care. So it's between his being miserable and having full time care or being with me and having only what I can afford/give. To me he is in and out of being able to care for himself because he values his independence. I am worried about him cooking, or falling but I can get life alert. I could install cameras and monitors which is fairly cheap. I just don't know if I should leave him where he is miserable for the rest of his days or have him at home with me where he is less miserable but at risk while I am at work. Adult protective services has mandated that he can't live alone. I have DPOA and HPOA so I am the one to make these decisions. Since most of you have experience with in home care, can you please counsel me on what you think I should do. I'm very confused and starting to avoid going to see him because he puts pressure on me and is just miserable. I feel like I am responsible for his misery. In a way I am but then if I wasn't there, he wouldn't have that much care at all. Help! (P.S. my father was not a very responsible father by societies standards. He was in prison, he didn't pay childsupport and led a life of crime. He cleaned up his act but he impacted our lives and my siblings don't want to help him because of this. I forgave him but I don't have the guilt of returning the care back to him that he gave when I was younger thing. ) thanks

oh, also, I checked on Assisted living and since he is a medicaid patient, he would have to share a room with someone and be on a waiting list so I don't think he would be any happier sharing a room and bathroom in an efficiency apt. No bedrooms :(

Shila, I completely understand. I had to learn to create some boundaries which meant that I had to let mom know what was and was not permissible in our relationship, in the most respectful and loving way possible.
When my health started deteriorating I realized it does no good to hold on to the "guilt trip". If my health fails I can't take care of her. We've had to have some serious conversations about the way she interacts with me. I had to stop doing too many things, and give some things back to her as her responsibility. She needed that for her own independence as much as I needed to stop doing it. The more I did, believing she needed my help, the more she pushed back on me. Some things were hard to let go of, because she wasn't making right decisions. But the truth is she is still her own person and she still has the freedom to make her own choices, however good or bad they are.
Everyone is in a different place and I don't know the specifics of your situation; however, I do know what it's like to take on too much responsibility. Then when I try to force something there's conflict and I suffer for it.
We talk and I let her know what I will help her with and what I can no longer help her with. Then she seems to accept more responsibility (where she can) and take steps (for example) to help her remember to do things. (Bear in mind, she is still able to understand these conversations; I do not know what your loved mom’s level of cognition is right now.)
If you have time, there is a book called Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. It’s an easy read. You may want to skip past the first chapter for the sake of time; however, you may also identify with some of the things in the first chapter. Your choice.
I know that the temptation is to put her health before yours, but remember if your health fails, you cannot help her. When your boat is sinking, you put your life jacket on first and then help the victim. (I can’t think of a better example right now, but you get the point.) And no guilt trips. You are doing this because you love her, not because you owe her.
I have a question for JessieBelle: You mentioned that Texas is a great place for senior services. I recently moved from Austin back to Wisconsin. Dad passed away in November and I would like to move back to Texas, but Wisconsin has a lot of services and aid for seniors and I'm concerned that she/we will not get the help we need in Texas. When I called the Department of Aging the representative told me we would need to move there first to find out what she would be able to receive. Can you tell me what kind of services you receive for your mother/father? Can you give me some examples?

You can start a new conversation if you would like.

Remember why my Mom lives with me? That's an easy one. I've had her since '82 and she's used to it and accustomed to not having to financially support herself. Care for her? Yes, I guess I do if that means following around cleaning up her messes (since I was about 5 yrs. old, she never cared about housekeeping) ... and hardly ever leaving her, even to the care of others.

Butterflygrl, boy did your post hit home! When I tried to take care of mom, I
realized that even though I know my mother better than anyone else, it still
doesn't make me an expert with Dementia or Alzheimer's. That's the bottom
line. You have valid reasons for keeping your dad where he is right now.
He needs the help of experts. It doesn't mean you love him any less.
It's just this time of life for him. You have every reason to be concerned with the nights and his walking around, his size, his instability, and more. Yes, of course you could keep him at home with you, but he probably won't be any happier. That will only put more stress on you, in addition to wearing you down. When my
dad was about to be released from rehab, due to a stoke and congestive
heart failure, the doctor told me he should NOT return home, as it will be more
difficult to get him back in a facility, where he needed to be. I took their advice
and was glad I did. I had to put both my parents in a facility, at the same time. And though dad passed away 3 months later, I really lost both parents because
of my mom's disease to Alzheimer's. Dad called me everyday, telling me
I had to get them out of there, NOW! I knew that wasn't an option, but regardless, I did feel pretty bad.

Since dads passing, the one thing I do regret is keeping my mom in a private room. I've come to learn that with Alzheimer's, sometimes it's best for the patient to have people around them. At the time, I felt I was in her best interest for her to live alone, when in fact, it was the worst thing for her. She lived in fear, she hallucinated, she didn't recognized her surroundings and she ultimately walked out of the facility, trying to find her way home. Thereafter, she had to be placed in a locked down facility. Now THAT I couldn't do! I found one of those residential homes with 6 other adults at her level of illness, 5 minute from my home. She's still scared, still cries, still hallucinates and is now going into the PPA phase of her illness (Primary Progressive Aphasia). This is where they can no longer form sentences that make any sense. They also lose their ability to write. Over all, she's well cared for and I can bring her home on a Sat or Sun.

So Butterflygrl, I'd go with my gut feelings, but if you're dad is already in a NH, and needs to be there, I think it could be a big mistake taking him back out, and THEN having to do it all again. This of course, is how I had to deal with my situation. My dad was very ill and my mom Alzheimer's had progressed quite far.

Well I hope I was of some help to you. Ultimately, you're the one who knows how bad off your dad really is. It's never an easy decision. Good luck.

Hi,
I am truly sorry that you are going through a difficult time in your life. I can relate to your frustrating moments. I have been taking care of my mom for almost seven years without hardly any help from my siblings. I have a lot of health issues myself, which makes it more complicated sometimes, but I do not let my 90 year old mom see me cry or look bewildered. Have you looked into getting assistance from a home health agency that is covered by Medicare to help with her grooming, bathing, cleaning her room, etc.? That will take some of the load off of you. I know that it is hard, but ask God to give you strength to carry on; do the best that you can and your Blessings with follow. I sincerely wish you and your mom well. Take care.

butterflygrl: If you have your Dad in a facility, I would suggest leaving him there despite his complaints. If you bring him home, you will have to deal with his complaints 24/7/365. At least when he is in the NH, you can visit him for 10 minutes or 10 hours...setting the boundary that you will stay as long he doesn't complain. If he does, then either change the subject or leave. If he is able to comprehend, explain the boundaries to him. Be sure, of course, that none of his complaints is valid. Is the place clean, is he kept clean, are there activities, can he go outside and get fresh air, how does the staff relate to him and others: observe EVERYTHING. If you see something that doesn't seem right, talk to the director or call your local agency on aging. There are places that are not good, but I believe there are more that are. There are government agencies that have online reports about facilities. Check them out. Talk to other visitors. Engage other residents in conversation. What do they think? What is going on while you are there? Are people smiling or just sitting in wheelchairs staring into space? How many staff members are there in comparison to the number of residents? There are a myriad of questions to be answered, but you can't base a decision on just your Dad's complaints. Good luck.

I know how you feel that's how I felt my mom passed two weeks ago and I miss her wish I could go back and feel the way I do know IT would have been so different

When you are taking care of Parents/loved ones, as their caregivers things just seem to rush together in a blurr. We don't have time to really be with them, and do what we want because we are doing what is needed! The loss of a parent that we loved IS hard no matter the situation! We will always be sorry that we didn't spend more time doing things with them or visiting with them, etc., etc.! Just know that what you ARE doing IS something.... and that if we didn't care we wouldn't be doing this....! So do not feel like you did not do enough...! This "Caregiver" title, says you DID!!!! So God bless all of us out there who give of ourselves to take wonderful care of an aging parent/loved one! it is because we love them that we do this...weather it be in home or in a facility. Here is a great big hug to all who are in the fray, for one reason or another!! I for one applaude each and everyone of your efforts here!!! Keep up the good work...:)

Good reply/advice "stressedmom"! I know I will miss my mom terribly! As much as I wish (some days), that she would just fall asleep and go peacefully, it will be so difficult for me. Thanks for those very heartfelt words!

Marlenia123, I lost my mom 2yrs ago February. It is still hard for me ,even at my age ,mid 50's! Mom was only 74! I didn't visit her like I thought I should have, until she got ill. I will always feel that I didn't do enough, but I know that what I did do was what was necessary at the time! Mom had 9 children, 7 still living. I am 2nd from the eldest, so my sibs look to me, when big sis isn't available, for comfort and advice. You see , I was the only one in the room with my mom when she passed. Kind of ironic since I was the one in my family known as the "cry baby"!! That was the plan for me I guess to make me stronger!?? Whatever the case, it HAS made me a lot more able to cope in stressful situations. I am still a softie but with resolve now!! I will ALWAYS miss mom!! But I know in my heart that I did what she needed at the time she needed it done. So, I am at peace with this now....but by peace I mean, with not doing enough for her...not at,... not being with her. I sure hope you understand what I am trying to say here. We all are blessed with what we need to know, just not WHEN we need to know it...haha! Godbless and hugs to you :)

OK now.......I'm glad I read your post before putting on my makeup!!! I cannot see through my tears right now, so I'll write later. I always get so emotional imaging my mom gone.. Thank you, as always, for all the wonderful words you have to offer so many of us. You see, you're not the only "softie". lol Gotta go finish crying and putting on my makeup. I'm taking mom for her cpx. ttyl

I miss my mom and she is still with me. I care for my mom, but she is no longer the same woman she was when we were growing up. My mom cannot care for herself due to a broken leg and Alzheimer's, while she is physically here and we can do some things together, I am now the parent.

I realize that care giving is a challenge, but I miss talking with my mom and while I can now it is not a meaningful conversation. So I miss her and she is alive, my siblings do not get what is going on yet and that sadness me.

My husband lost his mother to vascular dementia and he made the choice to see her twice a week after his dad put her in a nursing home. My husband now has a lot of guilt over not spending more time with his mother.

So one has to ask themselves do you want to handle the situation now or have guilt later on. My husband's mother has been gone for about 5 or 6 years now and his guilt is no less today than it was then. I am going to have some siblings that have some guilt when mom is truly gone, I have tried to talk with them and they do not want to hear.

Some of my days are a real challenge and I feel very overwhelmed, but I know that I am doing the right thing. I also know that the feelings will pass, I have this group to talk with and my friends. I have a couple of friends that have been caregivers and have now lost their parents, so I talk with them frequently.

My husband and I now use the expression that it is a new normal when my mom's behavior changes. It is not easy to watch, but the woman that was really my mother is gone and what she is now is more childlike behavior and more of the child I did not have.

So when one gets overwhelmed and tired, I just try to remember why I do what I do and why I care for my mom. It is not a task for the faint of heart, but I know that I am doing what is right. This is how I move on when the days get tough and I know that when she is gone that I will have done my best. I will let my siblings deal with their guilt because of their choices.

Marienja that's just how I felt I also wish see would just go to sleep but know I regret that terribly did know how much I'd miss her

Shilaflores, is there any kind of adult daycare facility in your area that you might be able to tap into? It's usually cheaper than paying someone to come in the home. Often there is a healthy lunch included, and the social interactions are beneficial to the elderly shut-ins. A place to start would be to contact your local Council on Aging or similar. Find out what's out there. Just giving yourself a break a couple of days a week could make a world of difference. You could lunch with friends, relax and read a book, get some exercise, and just have some precious "me time". You might find that your mom's mood and energy level might lift because she's getting out and about and having new experiences.
Good luck, and take care of yourself - you are giving so much of yourself. You deserve some R&R!

trunner0, I'm sure I will feel that exact same way, when my mom finally leaves this world. Yesterday I took my mom for her physical. The doctor of course, did a series of verbal tests. She failed everyone and looked so confused as to why she was having all these questions thrown at her. I had to leave the room and began sobbing in the hallway. It's not that I was surprised. It was just another reality of how bad her dementia/Alzheimer's has gotten over time. She's so cute and sweet. It's so hard to see her lost in a world that none of us will truly understand. Anyway, as I said, as much as I hope she goes peacefully, before she gets worse, I know that I will miss her so very much. But at least I will know she no longer has to be lost, confused, scared, paranoid, and all the terrible phases that Alzheimer's inflicts on so many people. That's for your sweet post trunner0. Have a good night.

trunner0......correction: THANKS, for your sweet post!!!!

Alzheimer's and dementia are the worst you watch your loved one get worse and worse and theirs nothing you can do my mom too was very sweet everyone loved her it was so sad to see her confused talking to people that weren't their but the worst was she was so scared in the end I hope no one has to go though that stay strong it's a very rough road that just keeps getting worse but in the end hopefully you'll remember the good and funny times you had

I can relate somewhat. I'm finding out parents can be quite demanding. My Mom is not, it's more my Dad who is being that way and it's my Mom who has the dementia. If you feel you need to move her into a healthcare facility to save your health and mental health to be able to continue to care for her, then you have to do what you have to do. Lots of prayers going up for you and your stituation. Sounds like there are several here with lots of love and support.

I really do hope when mom is gone and this is all over, I will be able to shed the anger and resentment that has taken over my personality and forgive and remember the mother that used to be here. Right now, though, I don't know if I will have that feeling.