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My mother will find something for me to do. Today it was a 2 1/2 hour visit to the vet for her yorkie and shitzu that had nothing wrong with them. It took the vet this long to kindly explain this.He didn't tell her anything I hadn't told her.Her yorkie is not going to be cured with surgery, he is a purebred and with that comes the usual skeletal problems. Although watching him chase the cat this morning someone must have forgotten to tell him he was ill. I refused to be a part of her "torturing" this poor little fella with multiple vet visits anymore. I have 6 of my own dogs. I love them all even hers but I will not be a part of her Munchhausen's.

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If she had a dacshund, you could say she had Muttchaussen by doxie. Sorry... I couldn't resist.
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So there is the dilemma! We love our parents yet once this A/D sets in the small quirks have them treating those they love as their whipping posts. I try to remind myself that my mother is scared- (yet wants to put on a tough front) she is angry because things happening in her reality are not stopping or going away and they are always someone else's fault, (She has no sense that it is not "real"), she is lonely and wants attention from those she loves (even if it means acting out at them). She is fearful of embarrassing herself even sitting down to a group doing a puzzle in the community room. When I am with her she wants to voice her emotions in complaints about caregivers, her apartment, my father, my siblings, not driving, not getting her mail on time, and of course it is "Shut up" and "You don't know anything" when I try to help. My husband says why do you keep going to her? And all I can say is "She's my mother...." May we all have patience and strong support through each other during this life transition. Soon enough we too will be the "elders"...
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In my experience, I think it has to do with making sure you are around. My FIL would make a list of groceries he wanted. I would get them and take them to his apartment. Then he would ask if I got something that was NOT on the list - so I would have to go back to the store. He would always say - "just do it tomorrow when you come". Pretty much insuring that I would be coming back tomorrow FOR SURE. It was a never ending process. If I tried to "guess ahead" of him - and get extra things - he would always come up with something else. I started to throw food away that would spoil. I finally figured out this game and just said it would have to wait until the next time I went to the store, and told him to start another new grocery list. I think it was his way to "look forward to the next visit".
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My experiences with my 92 y/o Uncle are similar to everyone here, and especially AllOfMe761. Everytime he wants me to do some errand or task outside of his apt., he will ask me "When" are you going to do it? He is very much like everyone has described. No matter how much I do for him when I visit his apt., he always finds 'one more thing' that absolutely needs to be done or looked at before I go (like take the garbage out even if there is only a few papers in it). Then of course, there are the never-ending reminders of things he wants or needs me to do that I put in order of importance but to him every single thing is critical. After the items are done (and reported as 'done' to him), we have numerous 'follow-up' inquiries (which really pushes my buttons), because he does not have any dementia and has a memory like an elephant. When I remind him that I already informed him that the task was done, he says "Well I just wanted to make sure", which I find infuriating and insulting and have told him so. Point blank, I have said to him: Did I you think I was lying to you the first time? What possible reason would I lie to you? In all these years have I ever lied to you? I think JennyM's comment about "Nesting" makes a lot of sense. I suppose subconsciously they are preparing for the end, and don't want anything left undone. It would explain why every little thing is so critical and urgent to them, but not to us. Interestingly, one of the things my Uncle keeps bugging me to do is take him to the cemetary where his parents and sister are buried to "make sure" there is still a spot for him by his Mom & Pop, and how much everything will cost. I know the spot is there and funds are available, so I'm not worried about it, but he is. I think I will try to schedule this item in sooner than later, just to put him at ease.
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Gosh yes we all get several a day. It's a little bit of attention-seeking mixed with anxiety and boredom.
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My mother has a lot of busy work for me, too. I dread the question, "You know what we need to do?" I know the we is me, and whatever it is will take several hours doing something that my parents neglected doing for 50 years.

Today was a sore one for me. She wanted to go visit my brother again. My brother lives about 1 hour away. The drive there is on high-traffic interstates, so not relaxing at all. I have been doing a lot of things for the past three weeks and told her I was tired. She got mad at me and told me we were going. She then called my brother, who told her they were going to be busy, so it wasn't a good time to visit. She was sweet and understanding with him. If it had been me, she would have just told me I better get unbusy, because we were going to do it. I get no respect.

So I was glad that my brother was too busy because I was mighty tired. But I was pissed that she showed him so much more respect than me. When she and I went out to eat later, I mentioned we had been to my brother's not long ago. She said we hadn't been in over a year. I reminded her of all the times we had been out there this year and she just looked confused. She doesn't even remember going.
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My mom tries to find busy work for me to do. So when she calls me and then tells me to do something unnecessary I tell her I'm not playing fetch which is what I call it. "Move this table over there" then later she will call me back in to move it back. Nope not happening. I used to be a pushover for her manipulative BS but I had to have a knee replacement and she still tried to manipulate me into playing fetch for her even though she knew I was in a lot of pain,. This is the same woman who wanted me to wait on her the same day after I came back home from having hip surgery. These actions speak loud and clear about where I stand in her eyes. She believes I'm on earth to serve all her wants and needs regardless of the cost to my health and well being.
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Hey ferris 1 get off my back and off your high horse.My mother was emotionally abusive and I still can't believe I let her in my house.Busy work is a good thing? How about it is manipulative behavior?Heard of that.Oh wow ,my mother wants to spend time with me? That's a good one. Wish I lived in your Ozzie and Harriet world.You have no idea.
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I don't know what happened but my post was deleted so here goes again.

Texarkana, I have two daughters who are nurses. One did the Med/Surgical thing and is was harddddddddd. Tiring, stressful and just not for a wimp. The other ICU Trauma, hardddddd, difficult, death and dismemberment on a daily basis. I know what you have seen and done and my hat is off to you.

No one should judge on this site. I have been judged too. It pissed me off too.
So what I came to understand is unless you have walked in my shoes, your opinion is just that, your opinion.

There are some people who post on this site who really, in my humble opinion, just love to see people praise their flowery writing. They really haven't experienced any of the problem.

I have a nasty, selfish, narcissistic mother who does absolutely nothing for anyone. I stopped calling her six months ago because she would never pick up the phone and call me, her only daughter. Yesterday I talked to her for the first time. She called to inquire about her grand daughter who will have a baby in the next few days. Of course, she would never call the grand daughter.

During the conversation she didn't fail to tell me that one of her six siblings was the "only one" who cared anything about her. Nothing changes with age or time. So I truly understand you frustration. And you are a saint to have her in your home.

Mom will be in assisted living because I am a bad, ungrateful, so and so. So there I said it and I think there are numerous people here who will smile to themselves in understanding.
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Ferris, I must say, maybe to YOU, 'busy work' is a good thing, but it damn sure wasn't for me. Not all parents are fluffy, warm little clouds, raining love and warmth and affection on their much loved children. Some of us deal with the hellions and monsters. YOU be thankful YOUR mother wasn't one of them. I could have done with a whole lot LESS time with MY mother, thank you.

Busy work...oh Lawd, yes. All. The. Time. Constantly! My mom would call me 100 times a day to do...something...that pretty much amounted to...nothing. She'd call me to pick a piece of lint off the floor. Yes, indeed. She'd call me and point out into the yard, saying 'That, that!', and I of course had no damn idea what was bugging her about the yard. She'd call me because she wanted her chair moved...to the right...no, to the left...no, now she wants it back more...no, this time she wants it forward...the TV wasn't sitting just so, the coffee wasn't hot enough, so heat it...and on and on and on and on and on and on and on...endlessly. I finally snapped one day and told her that if she wasn't on the floor bleeding or going into cardiac arrest, or had some real need, DON'T CALL ME, because I'd ignore her. I also told her that I wasn't her personal programmed robot, and that I didn't come with buttons that she could constantly push because she was bored. She treated me not as a human being, but as an extension of HERSELF, and hell no I wasn't having it.

There comes a time when you say ENOUGH. The end.
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