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My husband's grandmother (she now has early stage of dementia not sure what stage) raised 5 kids in total, all are living local, all are over 50 now. I'm 39 my husband is 40. He has spent most of his adult life helping with her bills etc. When I met him he had his own place, we got married within a year, been together 5 years. In the last year or so his grandma has had a major decline in her memory which is roughly about the time we bought our house which was a hour away. After a year of living there (paid the house off in full so no mortgage) he got worried she wasn't doing well and to be honest I think they rarely came to see her or help her (she has 4 grown adult children over 40 in the area near her). Now my MIL will on the occasion take her for a few hours but she already stated she was moving away asap. So now while our house sells we are staying here. I went from being a wife to a live in maid, gofer, taxi, babysitter, leading her by the hand. It's only been 4 months now and she has gotten worse. None of her kids will take her to a doctor I have been forbidden to do it since I'm just married into the family.


I get rare chances for me time and spend hours listening to her repeat the same questions or memories and trying to remain calm and answer but I feel like I'm going crazy. She has thrown tantrums in stores on me and I don't have kids. We can't have children due to medical issues on my part. I have no idea how to react to an 87 year old woman doing that. She got mad and threw a bag of candy down the isle everyone looked at me like I was a jerk. I have no social life, no support network I feel depressed and my husband avoids talking to me on how to deal with it. He says there is no help for it and that's what my MIL says too. So if this is stage one or two of dementia and it's this hard how do I find a group in my area? I need someone to relate too. I am starting to get depressed. They refuse to put her in a home. I'm doing my best but I feel like I'm just being taken advantage of sometimes how do I set boundries? She huffs and puffs wanting me to constantly driver her all over town and gets upset with me. I'm not rich and gas isn't cheap I'm grouchy a lot lately cause I feel like I got dumped into this. My husband is barely here, he escapes threw work. I'm 24/7 with her and they take it as me whining when I try to talk about it. any advice? Pls I could use any advice. How to handle tantrums I feel I disrespect her if I scold her she is older I was raised that way. My MIL told me to treat her like a child I don't know how. I don't have kids and to be honest I would feel horrible. How do you deal with inlaws with dementia?

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Time to put your big girl panties on. This woman is neither your husbands or your responsibility. If you are not allowed to take her to the doctors and her children refuse to, to me this is abuse.

I can't tell if she is living with you or in her own home. Its time for her children to take over. If they don't want to care for her, then she needs to be placed. Medicaid can be applied for.

Boundries, Boundries, Boundries. What you are willing to do and what you are not. Personally, I would not take her shopping if she acts like a child. You are being taken advantage because you are "just a housewife". Which by the way you are not. You are a Caregiver with a lot of responsibility for someone who is not related.

My suggestion, when this Virus thing is over, is get a job. Then ur not available. You should be looking out for your future. The more you work the more SS you will get.

By the way, I would draw the line where I would be responsible for bathing and toileting her.
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My dear, you need to find a therapist, counselor or SOMEONE who can teach you how to stand up for yourself and your future.

You are being used and abused, even if you don't realize it.

You HAVE a choice. You can say "no, not doing this".

What would be the downside of doing that?

Is this marriage a partnership? Or a jail sentence?
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Elizabethe Aug 13, 2020
Your right I am being used badly in the effort to help I got used and didnt see it. And my husband ignored it or avoided it I'm done I'm gonna try to find a small apartment I'll start looking first thing in the morning I have got to take care of me for a change thank you all for the advice I guess I was blind
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To be honest no selling is not my wish at all but he found a job back here near her and said there was no work where our house is located so I agreed we could find a place in the town where she was just to make sure she was ok then the covid thing went wild and things stalled we do have buyers for the house just with the covid issue its slowed down the buyers portion of our sell.. but now I honestly had hoped his family would step up abit more since I get little to no choice in how to handle her health matters. And was told to leave it alone guess I managed to put myself her not expecting this at all I am not selfish by any means and had wanted him to be happy and her safe but it seems like I'm a bit stuck in trying to make sure she is taken care of to the best of my ability but i was not in the least prepared for this now I'm the one with no life watching everyone living while I feel guilty if she lacks what she needs I don't even know what stage her dementia is ive looked online thats how I figured maybe she is stage 1 or 2 .. Her assets are not great her house was morgaged one of her kids idea from what I was told she can stay in it til she passes then the bank takes its she had no payments she makes roughly 1200 retirement but like I said her kids will never allow her to be in a NH and my husband says she will be living with us before she ever goes to one of those places. I want what is best for her but feel miserable I'm bound by there rules.. Is there any medication the slows the progression of dementia? Or maybe adult day care would help with her mental stimulation? We have a program for seniors they go to a community house a couple hours a day they get lunch snacks and things to interest them art and crafts ECT .. I cant seem to keep her mentally active enough she goes out and then we get back to the house its like she never went out and wants to go out again. What about boundaries how do you set that I dont want to treat her like a kid as my MIL told me too is there a better way?
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Why are you involved in her care AT ALL?

Get up, get out and rent yourself an apartment. Tell this bunch of users, your husband included, "not my monkey, not my circus".

Leave. If your husband loves you, he will not subject you to this abuse.

If he favors his grandmother over your physical and mental health, that's really all you need to know, isn't it?
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Elizabethe Aug 13, 2020
Ya I think your right I been caring this for months feeling like it's my burden maybe if I step out of the picture they will have no other choice but to step up or he will ..he has placed her and his family before me guess I didnt see what was in my face the whole time thanks I think our marriage needs a break until he can see what this has done by ignoring his wife and hurting our marriage thanks so so much
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Why are you selling your paid off home? Is this your wish? Do you have anything to say about it at all, or about whether or not you sacrifice your own life to the care of your grandmother?
It is time to sit with your husband and let him know what you are willing to do and what you are not. What the family feels is of ZERO importance as they are not volunteering to take on the care of grandmother. And they will not be doing so in future.
It is probably time to look for the best care facility you can find for Grandmother, given her needs and her assets. Not everything has a really good and perfect answer. This is one of those things that doesn't.
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