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I live closest to Mom. One sibling is out of state. Other hour away. I get no pay to help. They do/did. I have full time care. Mom lives alone. She puts guilt on me constantly. I cannot make her younger or healthy or less lonely. She is constantly depressed. I provide trips to drs., hairdresser, and make grocery runs. Mom pays for one sibling to come to town to do maintenance jobs. Other sibling was paid when Mom stayed with her for a period of time. I have lined up a reliable lady to take her to appts. etc. while I am in the south with my husband this winter. Already Mom is starting to make comments about how much she's going to have to pay her. Mom does not want to go to Assisted Living. I feel that she only wants me there to handle all of the problems, maintenance, etc. I cannot do everything she wants me to. My husband helps out tremendously but he also is stressed now. My being burned out is an understatement. Mom is and has been an unpleasant person. I am trying to justify how much of my life should be spent on her care and emotional state. Any suggestions?

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Time for you!! Your mom is going to have to make her choice AL or stay home and pay for help the end. Don't feel guilty, you and your husband are going to get sick and you both will end up in the hospital while mom controls everyone from her home. Enjoy your winter holiday!!! Where are you going? :)
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Explain that there are two options - she stays at home and pays for the help she needs, above and beyond what you choose to sanely do. Or Plan B, an AL where there are others to take care of her needs. But Plan C, that you do all this work and meet her increasing demands, is not available. I bet that while you're in the south and get away from this situation, you can rest and get clarity on what you can and cannot do for her going forward.
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Tell the sibling who lives an hour away to step up to the plate. I husband ran his legs off tending to his parents and they lived an hour away. It can be done. Go south with all of our blessing. Mom will be fine. When she starts to complain, start talking assisted living. Let her know those are her options and the choice is hers. You can do this.
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If your mom doesn't want to go into assisted living then she better start realizing that you only have 2 hands and not an unlimited supply of time to devote to her and her needs.
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I always find it interesting that children whose parents have been unpleasant and mean all their lives seem to have the most trouble getting their parents into appropriate care. Mom expects you to be unpaid day labor? What is she saving her money for? Care costs money, period end of story.

If she outlived you, where is she going to go then?
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I vote AL time whether mom likes it or not. You sound very stressed. Let me put it to you this way, do you intend for your mom to outlive you or you die before her?You keep going down this emotional road like this and she will outlive you.Has she been screened for dementia? Has she been screened for mental illness?Who as POA? Don't let your mom's behavior ruin your health.
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