Ok, I am at the end of my rope, what do I do? I am tired of supporting my parents. My husband and I have no retirement.

Follow
Share

I also have a 9 year son who is autistic. I am tired of giving my parents $2000.00 every month. They would not have a problem if my dad did not have so many credit cards. We give them $1000. per month to help out with expenses. We pay his credit cards to the tune of $1000. We pay his cell phone $50.00 We paid of one of his credit card at the tune of $10,000 and now he has charged it back up to $12000. Now he wants my mom out the house and expects me to somehow achieve this. She only gets $600.00 a month. He gets $1400.00 net from social security and their house is paid for. He is also diagnosed with Narcisstic personality disorder. Did I also mention I have two college age daughters. We just can't continue to do nothing for our own retirement. I don't want to do this to my family. I live in Texas and I just want to say ....No more, and walk away. But I love my mom, she is not the problem...He is demanding, abusive, and a horrible liar. Help???

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
37

Answers

Show:
WHY?! Why are you doing this? Why are you enabling your father's selfish behavior? Why isn't your immediate family and your own needs coming first? Wow! I just do not get this.

I could also ask why your mother has chosen to stay with this narcisstic person all these years. Maybe getting her out of the house is exactly the solution. Get her set up in subsitdized housing. Or help her file for divorce and demand alimony. Or let your parents work out their own marital problems.

But first and foremost, take care of your own children. Take care of your future with your husband. Say "No more" and walk away.
Helpful Answer (23)
Report

Thank you all for your answers. I think your answers helped me to see how I am enabling this behavior. I think I had some kind of sense of obligation and probably guilt that I had to help out my parents because they raised me and I am an only child. It helps to know that other people see it as I do. We don't live grandly, and it hurts to scrape, and do without and see someone so careless with money that you work hard to make. I think that I have always been "the fixer" for my parents and have continued on in this roll and you are all right. I don't mean this cruelly, but it is time for them to be mature and take care of their own marriage and situation. I will help my mother get settled if she asks for help, but for my own sake and that of my family I just need to say no.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

I can only say to all of you thank you so much for your care and answers. I think I have been conditioned to always take care of his messes. But it is time to stop. Thank you all so much for all of your suggestions. I am trying to make sure I cover all the bases. And that is because of everyone's good advice. I am going to live my life and take care of my family. I never want to do this to my children. My husband is truly wonderful.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

You know my dad is something. However, I do want you to know that his parents when they were running out of money moved into a government section 8 apartment, and never asked for help. They received food stamps. They were kind and adored each other. Even when my Grandmother had to be put into a nursing home because of severe Alzheimer's, grandpa would go and see her everyday faithfully, even through she no longer recognized him. So not all people are like this. Why my dad is, I have no clue. I also have a friend who has a wife who had early onset Alzheimer's. She went down overnight. She had to be put into a special care unit. He goes everyday and feeds her supper after work and has been doing this for three years now. I have found an elder care lawyer that I have researched and am in the process of consulting him. I am also working with a social worker. We are also looking into long term care insurance for ourselves, and also retirement plans and Roth Iras. I don't care if when we are older we have to sell our home and move into a small apartment as long as I am with my husband I will be happy. My husband and children are the light in my life.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

reindeermama, you are right to be tired of it. You can't control what your father does, or what your mother decides, but you can pull yourself out of it. Please save the money for yourself and perhaps your mother if she needs to pull herself out of the situation. The way it sounds now is that you are pouring your money into a bottomless pit. It is much better to save it for something useful.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

I do not mean to be hard on you because you sound like a person who absolutely loves and (misguidedly) is trying to honor your parents. This is DYSFUNCTIONAL. Put on the brakes. Stop. Now. If your parents are totally broke then there are resources to help them. But it could not be more important than it is (than it WAS years ago!) for you to be looking out for the day when you and your husband are old. Otherwise, YOU become someone else's burden. Call 211. In most communities this is a resource for many places funded by county funds to help with seniors' housing and healthcare requirements and how to hook them up with those resources. Also for you. Get someone professional to talk to for yourself. You need to work through whatever guilt has brought you to this place and get on with your life and hopefully a healthier relationship with them.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

You all are so great. My behavior as being the "fixer" has been ingrained my whole life. But it is time for me to stop being the "fixer". I am not saying that I am not having trouble stepping out of my age old roll, but he will never change. It has been extremely hard on my family financially. I find I resent all the money I feel that I have poured down the hole, and the whole time he lied and promised to file bankruptcy and stop using the credit cards. He just stopped using the ones I knew about, not all the ones I didn't. The lawyer had told us that he needed to stop using the credit cards for a year before filing so the Judge would not look askew at it. Well, he did, the ones I was paying, I didn't know about him charging up the one we had paid off, or the other ones he had gotten. And I was going through his mail and throwing offers out. He also, I only found out because he accidentally gave them my address, tried to mortgage another ladies property in town(like a reverse mortgage). I really do love my Mom, and I had taken on the role as her protector. It is hard to stop being the protector, but I have a family. My husband has not allowed my son to be around my father for several years now because of his behavior. I hope we can stop this now. I am really trying to get help. I love my husband and children. It is disgusting when because of my financial help that my Dad was living on a bigger budget then our family was with three children. My dad has 12 credit cards, and at least $70,000. still in debt. He is just sick...I am not going to continue...I will not! Thank you all so much for all your help and suggestions!!! I do appreciate it!!
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

I never got an allowance. My mother and I would have to hide the clothes when she bought them for me. He has always been like this. I am going to freeze his credit report so that people will not issue any new credit. I am also sending out letters to his creditors that I will no longer be able to pay his bills, and I am talking to a lawyer about him declaring bankruptcy. He is 87. My husband does not use our credit cards unless it is for an emergency. Running from a hurricane, huge car repair over $1000. etc. We are on a budget. It may be the pits, but I have always assumed everyone has one. He gives political donations, buys sexual enhancement cremes, coins, you name it...he buys it. He has always tried to give
the appearance of being well off. Me and mine, well we just want work, pay our bills, and hopefully be liked for who we are, not what we have. My mother has always been conscious of money also. She worked all of her life, and paid a lot of the bills, including our house payments when I was growing up. I remember having to move into a hotel and live them while my mother worked as manager of it because he had screwed up in some get rich quick scheme. We were being evicted from the apartment and then my mom got this job so we would have a place to live. He has done this all his life. I think part of the problem is Mom and I have always been there to bail him out. I bailed him out when he almost lost his business, and then worked 60 hours a week for $500. a month. This was in the early 1990's. How stupid was I??? He is never going to change. Maybe this is a addiction to power. He feels powerful and in control when he spends???Who knows???? Thanks for the info. I do appreciate it. Some friends were worried about the same things you said.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

You have been offered some very good advice. Before you do anything in respect to your father and mother, please go and talk to a bankruptcy lawyer (not just any lawyer). Laws are very strict and confusing now days. If you or your mother have been assigned as "Power of Attorney" on your father's will, you could be held responsible for all his debt. You definitely want to talk to your bankruptcy lawyer about cancelling "all" of your father's credit cards. Your father has an extreme "sickness" in spending as much money as he can. He must of had this problem before marrying your mother. Your mother loves your father with all her heart. Unfortunately, your mother has allowed this problem to continue. Unless your mother is forced to do so, she will "never" leave your father.
Does your father have a friend he could go visit for a few days? If so, this would be a good opportunity to move your mother into either a Senior Community Living Apartment, IL or AL. Unfortunately, it takes a great deal of time to process all the paperwork for your mother to move into an apartment. You need to start making plans for your mother now. NOTE -- until your have spoken with a bankruptcy lawyer, (do not) sign your signature on any forms for your father or mother. Your mother might not want to leave her home. Tell her that your father has gone to visit a friend for a few days. Tell her you don't want her staying by herself and you are taking her to an apartment where she will be safe. Give her plenty of time to adjust to the move. She will want to know why she can't go back home. Just tell her it isn't time for her to return home. In a round about way, this would be classified as a "little white lie". However, at this point you must protecy yourself, your family, and your mother. Your mother may just find that she is very happy with her new environment. If your father doesn't have a friend, your husband could take him shopping for a couple of hours. This would allow you and the movers to move your mother out of her house very quickly. This is sad to say but this is going to be a "push come to shove" situation.
This immediate upset in your father's life might make him realize what he has done to himself and to your mother. Since your father has had this spending problem most of his life, and since he is 87 years of age, I seriously doubt that he will change his ways. When his credit cards are cancelled, and he knows that he no longer has his wife living with him due to his addition, he may become a very abusive and distructive person. If your father becomes completely emotionally "out of control", you may have no other choice but to move him to a safe place such as a Care Home, etc. NOTE: You need to contact a Care Giver Office in your area and talk to them and ask for their advice in this matter.
Above all, it is time for you to take time to regain control of your life. If you are not a well person who loves herself, you can't help anyone else. In my personal opinion, it takes a "real man" for your husband to stand by your side all this time. Even though your parents are your mother and father, you have children and a husband whom you must protect.
I am sorry to have to present myself to you on straight forward basis. I feel I can share my honest opinions with you because I have been through this same situation myself. As it has been said, "I wish I knew then what I know now". It is better to face the truth and not suffer any further consequences. Please note that my thoughts and prayers are with you.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Hey all, Good morning! I just heard a funny story... and good lesson for us all. My financial advisor's mom is in another state living in an adult care community. She decided she wants a Cadillac. She got a ride (cab or van or something), walked into the dealership with her walker!! She doesn't have a driver's license, she can hardly walk and they were showing her cars!!!! She finally fell and they couldn't get her up so they called the EMT and contacted the facility and the family. It's funny, and makes me feel better about my mom's dentist who made a date with her to show her an elder care facility hours away from her family (we cancelled that and switched dentists).... The car dealers, the credit card companies, everyone out there is in business to make money. They don't do a good job of assessing if a car shopper has a drivers license and the ability to drive, let alone walk.... they are first and foremost interested in making money on the payments and the interest. Hoping that all credit card companies will stop the use of cards is not fail safe. There is some credit card company that will take on the risk and put your family further in debt. I agree with the people who say take the cards away. I don't know what the solutions are (hopefully there are some that will work), but I do encourage all of us to be careful to set up ways to protect ourselves and our parents from the money makers. I'm a capitalist and believe in business enterprise, but we as individuals have to be honest and careful not to buy what we don't need.... Slow and steady wins the race! Have a GREAT day! Thank you all for being here. I love your stories and expertise... makes me feel not alone anymore.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

See All Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Related
Questions