Follow
Share

We moved my parents to a 55+ community. I'm living with them as their caregiver as I am over the age limit too, and was shocked to discover that we have a band of neighborhood bullies. These bullies call the shots and inform everyone about "the new people" based on what they want to believe. What can I do to keep my sanity while caring for mom & dad. Under the guise of being on the HOA board there is one woman who is torturing us. She is "scared to death" that someone with dementia might __________ Use your own imagination and just fill in the blank with whatever seems crazy - she's said it all to others not us. She is a clean freak and loves to play people against each other. Now she's gotten it into her head that a friend of hers needs to live near to her and she wants us "gone". I cringe hearing her talking on her speakerphone (yes really) about getting rid of us with complaints. HELP, I'm losing my sense of humor and my mind. How do I handle someone like that. Caregiving is not easy, but I never thought I'd feel like this now that our security is being threatend. We didn't do anything wrong, how do I manage to get past this bully? I wasn't very good at it in grade school either. I look at my parents and feel sick to my stomach that we picked a place that looked like paradise, but is turning out to feel more like Salem during the witch hunts.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
The only good antidotes I know to depression are pets and people. I don't think you want to bring in pets right now. I hope you can carve out some time that you can make friends. It's quite a chore to make friends when we're caregiving, but I believe it is worth the effort.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I'm sending a hug to everyone who answered,it's nice to know I'm not alone. I guess I am just so scared because we bought our patio home. If we were just renters, we could move, but when you own you are at the mercy of an abusive HOA member(s). So if they want to they will start finding things "wrong" and they can fine you. It is scary. I don't know how I'll fight back, because its a sure way to make things worse. Word has it that the HOA people got mean because there were so many foreclosures that they assume anyone who buys in at a lower price than they paid is tearing down their home values, Alzheimers or any other problem that they are afraid of is probably also bringing down their home values in their minds. Im just going to hide for a while and hope that they leave us alone. It's too hurtful to try and constantly worry what the other person is thinking, so I have to let it go and learn not to care first. I really miss my friends and old life and even miss my parents how they used to be so its alot to cope with right now and Im just so tired. I don't want to be paranoid and blow anything out of proportion by saying things that I'll regret later. I think I'm just depressed too much to do more that that, but your kind words all gave me hope. I'm not crazy but thinking that I'm starting to think I have to find something to help me not feel so tired and empty. I don't drink or take drugs so is there anything that anyone can recommend that is good for non-crazy depressed feelings? I don't like ice cream or chocolate :-) but open to all advice. God bless you all
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Join the HOA and there you are.. in her face and able to rebut her crap. Maybe you could bring up how you have noticed some "harrassment" going on, and how should that be handled? What would the legal ramification be if this continues? If others see you are concerned and involved it may help, and you may make some friends!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Are you in Florida? Well it is condo and 55+ heaven here and I would not want to live in one of those places for all the money in the world. My neighborhood has a nice mix of young families, older people and a few elderly people. We have always looked out for the elderly folks here. There are a few sourpusses who have tried to run our HMO but we vote them out. When you get too many of any one age group together, there are no checks and balances. It is all about THEIR concerns or issues. My advice would be to ignore her or move to a more diverse neighborhood.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

i agree with jesse and eyerish. a couple of the old gals at ednas facility were just sure they didnt like my looks but a kind smile and wave everytime i see them has won them over. a couple of staff gave me grief for a little while till they saw that i meant business and was steadily bringing ednas QOL up. one of them gives me some exceptionally pretty smiles now. i hope she has some kind of wild fantasy up her sleeve. shes probably got access to date rape drugs. she could slip me two m&m's and get the same effect.. a broom closeting we would go..
i know im full of it but a therapist told me today that a sense of humor seperated good caregivers from the spazzed out inneffective ones..
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

How exactly would you go about taping her call I wonder. Break in and put a tiny mike on her phone? Silly.

I agree with JessieBelle. This woman's behavior says more about her than it does about your parents. If it is upsetting enough you can move but that's an awful lot of upheaval just to be rid of one old hag. She's a miserable old crone who finds power and control in putting other people down. If you move, she's been successful. And who's to say you wouldn't have some other kind of problem in another unit? An instigator gets their kicks when they get a reaction, it's like air to them. Take away the reaction and the game isn't fun anymore. Like an internet troll. They love to get people's dander up but ignore the troll altogether and it goes away as fast as it arrived, looking for a livelier audience.

This old bat has no power over you or your parents, she's just flapping her dentures, wanting attention and wanting something to do to fill up her lonely hours. I hope you don't move on account of her. She's not dangerous but she is successful in that she has you very upset. Go on with your lives and you take away her power. She'll find someone else to peck at soon enough.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Sunnygal, I could relate to everything you were saying. Senior communities tend to get a clique of people who hang around the community building and start to feel that they are the alpha members. They gossip more than anything I've ever seen in my life. If you're lucky, they accept you. I have only seen one instance when someone has been as bad as your neighbor. It was a case when an elder couple moved in. They had a 50-yo son with Down's. The husband was in the beginning stages of Alzheimer's. They were all good people, but the neighbors did not like the son with Down's living near to them. Personally I thought him a finer person than many of the complainers. Nothing ever came from their complaints except it made them feel terrible. I still think about this trio who had just about the heaviest load I've seen. The woman died of a massive heart attack one night, leaving his husband with Alz and son with Down's. They moved shortly after that.

Anyway... what you're going through is not unusual. If you aren't doing anything wrong, don't worry. Chances are that most of the residents think the bully is an awful person, so aren't paying much attention to her. That's how it is sometimes. Sorry you are having to go through it. Maybe you can talk to the management about moving you to another unit when it becomes available. It will be inconvenient, but may be worth the peace of mind. Some people like your neighbor still live in the dark ages when it comes to people with mental disabilities. Probably the best thing you can do for her is to show her kindness when needed and ignore her the rest of the time.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Just a gentle reminder, in some states it is illegal to record a person without their knowledge. Be sure to check your state laws before doing any recording.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

There are federal laws against harassing the disabled. Tape her call, and make sure you tape the part where you tell " Your actions are highly discriminatory and prejudicial and constitute harassment of a disabled person. If you do not cease and desist I will file a discrimination complaint with state attorney general's office and the federal HUD office. Do not contact me again. Do you understand?"
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

so sorry to hear you have to go through this. Here are some thoughts, just keep records of the days this person does these things, use a calendar and mark on the day what has transpired, if you have to, record her on tape. Talk to a lawyer for further help. If you really like it there and want to stay.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.