I brought mom to my house over Christmas and I think bringing her was for me and not the best for her. What are thoughts concerning this?

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Mom is in memory care. She does not have Alzheimer's but has vascular dementia caused by a stroke. She enjoys coming over to my house for a visit. However, I brought her to my house over Christmas. She was away from her residence for 3 nights. Mom was agitated at times, incontinent, confused. I think bringing her to my house was for me and not the best for her. I should have just picked her up Christmas Eve and again Christmas Day for a few hours. What are thoughts concerning this?

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JJ Good, Your Mom always asks why She can't live with You simply because She feels very comfortable with You, and You are very good to Your Mom, but since You have a Life of Your own it's a different scenario. In My situation, Mother and I lived together always, and We shared and Cared for One Another so as Mom aged and could not Care for Herself, Mom became My Life, and now that Mother is gone from this Life to the Next I can feel the greatest peace and gladness in My Heart that I was with Mother 24/7 for the last years of Her long and beautiful Life.
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I was very tempted to bring my Mom over for a day or half day during the Holidays as well, but since she pretty much always asks why she can't live with me, I figured it would just open up a can of worms.
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Every Christmas for as long as I can remember back in time, Mother was invited to several Family Members for Christmas Day dinner and festivities..BUT..Mam refused graciously every time. Mother and I Lived together all My Life, and I knew Mam best of all. Mothers reason for not accepting the invitations was simply this,
She felt more comfortable at home. Mother had wonderful sayings, and would say, WHEN YOU HAVE YOUR LEGS UNDER ANOTHER MANS TABLE, YOU WILL HAVE TO TAP TO THE BEAT OF HIS DRUM. Yes Mother loved Her own home, and had Her own routine. If Mam felt like having a nap for an hour or so She did so because home had NO boundaries.
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we've started having a second Thanksgiving and second Christmas at mom's NH rather than bring her anywhere . when she's tired, she can go back to her room.
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We all went to Mthr's home when she still knew us all and visited her in their living room area. After awhile, she would look at us, and decide it was time to do something else and go do a puzzle or game with some other group of people. Her attention span had become maxed out, and it was much easier to move to the next thing where she was aware of the choices than to be stuck in an unfamiliar place with tons of "strangers' who look familiar.
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We all live and learn on this journey. Sometimes it takes a shock for us to recognize what is happening with our old folks. Don't beat yourself up about it. Adjust expectations, recognize limitations and do what you can with love...and not just at Christmas.
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I think that many family members are anxious to show their love and affection over the holidays and perhaps want to believe things will work out the way they want. It's quite common. I know that most family members say they think their case is different and they often ignore other's opinions about this topic, but, it's the thought that counts.

Once you see how things work out, then you know. I suppose that with some people, it works out fine. So, at least you tried.
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Thank you all for your input. Lesson learned.
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Rainmom and cwillie said it all. Your heart was in the right place but as Rainmom said, now you know. Structure and routine are important in the life of someone with dementia. It makes them feel safe and comforted. Unfamiliar smells, a new routine (or no routine), new faces, lots of voices......all of that can be detrimental to someone with dementia.

I hope your mom is back to her routine now and is feeling better. But don't beat yourself up. You had no way of knowing how a short stay would affect her and you wanted her with you for Christmas. You didn't do anything wrong and you learned from experience so you can plan differently next time.
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Even people who don't have dementia can find that kind of change to their routine difficult. I can remember an older friend of my mom's telling her that her family wouldn't take no for an answer and insisting she spend the day with them. From her perspective it was cold outside, difficult to walk and get in and out of the car, and the many voices and children were exhausting. All that with the confusion of dementia thrown in the mix can make the party not worth the aftermath.
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