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Brother lets his wife speak for him, he is very passive and wife is very overbearing. I need their help as I have been sole caregiver for over 8 years and I am in need of help now.

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Dutiful son, your mom is smiling down on you. Carry forward with the dead clause. Watch the movie Gran Torino. I loved the ending scene when the Will is read to clueless relatives.
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An update, my mom passed away. I had a very rough time caring for her the last months. Not financially, I put in money of my own to help mom at home. My brother and SIL never helped me in the end. They were upset my mom had disinherited them and done a life estate with me on her home because they ignored her after they got married. They bothered nurses I hired and would shame my mom if she had a bathroom accident, they told her that I was evil and trying to kill her for her money. They tried to claim she was senile and needed to go to a nursing home which she wasn't. Mom did however became frailer and her heart started failing. She was hospitalized and the prognosis was weeks not months. Her final wish was to die at home. My brother sent me abusive texts and phone calls for months and I finally had to get a restraining order. I was going to take mom home to die and live with in her house with her for hospice. My brother threatened to make my life a living hell. He said he would call adult protective services, he did, they investigated me and said I was doing an excellent job and they were sorry I had such a disturbed brother. But I did not need any more drama so I could not bring her home. My mother had to die in an acute care center. Her final words to me were that she loved me and thanked me for the years I had cared for her, she damned my brother and said she hated him. He then disrupted and desecrated her funeral as a final act of cruelty.

A final irony for my brother is his greed blinded him. He never really cared about mom he only saw dollar signs. I did not want moms money I wanted her to be happy. Unbeknownst to my brother because I live frugally and have had no debt for years is my personal wealth. I live in. Typical suburban house which I have no mortgage on. I have put 25% of my earnings every year in to an IRA for 30 years. My net worth is conservatively $2 million. If he had helped mom like I asked I would have provided generously for him in the future. Now my will has a very explicit dead to me clause for my brother and his entire family with a letter to my brother stating that his abandonment of my mother cost him a share of her very modest estate but his greed over that and the way he treated mom and me cost him and his children millions. As I am unmarried as of yet I'm leaving my assets in a trust in my parents and my name to charities that assist many people.
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POA means "power of attorney" and has nothing to do with whether you get called when your loved one falls down and goes to the ER. That is more of a thoughtless call on the grandson's part.
I've taken Mother to the ER on a number of occasions and they've never asked if I have POA. I have POD (power of driving :) sorry, I'm being facetious. Every time I have had to run mother to the ER. I do let the other sibs know. It has never, so far, been anything serious. Not having POA for her, I can't sign papers or make medical decisions or financial ones over $200--but she also isn't incompetent currently, and when she is, then the POA will have to kick in and my brother will HAVE to step in and make decisions.
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they don't always have to be shown; maybe they should be, but my dad's grandson told his home health agency he had dad's poa and they didn't ask to see papers and wouldn't talk to me afterwards after I found out he'd fallen and hurt himself - now, should I have known that? maybe...should he have had his poa since he was the one staying there and taking care of him? yes, that's a question - would love to have ya'll's opinion on - and, yes, he did take him to the doctor when it happened, which is how I found out; he didn't tell me, which it wasn't really that big a deal, except for the fact that the home health was coming and should have known - possibly? - understand they're not there all the time - but if they knew and I do think they were at least either supposed to be notified or should have noticed when they did come - and were supposed to let me know if anything happened to you but maybe they had the same attitude, that I should be there? and, yes, would have been really nice had grandson told me but of course he wasn't wanting to hide what he was doing, it turned out, why he didn't want me to know he'd done it, but of course they didn't ask to see my papers either when I'd already told them; think they just didn't want to get in the middle of it; they knew they wouldn't be coming long and in fact by the time I found out they were already not. Guess the real issue is when something would come up he didn't know how to handle he always called me to make the decision about what to do, since he really knew I was the POA, even though he really wanted to do what he wanted in regards to dad, although he didn't really want to take care of his part in doing it and they wouldn't be able to contact him, would end up calling me but yet he wanted them to think he was, although I'd already established myself, with most of them anyway as the point of contact, at least but he didn't want me in direct contact with them but nobody ever asked to see the POA.
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Dutiful Son--
I would show the POA papers to my brother and that's it. Mom chose you for a reason (and usually that choice means something!) Sounds like she and dad had the foresight see exactly this situation. Keep on protecting her. Altho my younger brother has POA, and always has had, it didn't stop my oldest brother from constantly haranguing my dad about changing it. Dad stood his ground., and actually, oldest brother had been left to dry anyway--he had spent his "inheritance" many times over before dad died. Mother did not opt to change POA after dad died. Oldest brother is dead, himself. I DO wish that my brother would share basic info with the rest of us sibs, but he chooses not to. I do know that there is basically nothing left, a small life insurance policy, nothing "worldy" of value. It really depends on the dynamic of the family, I am sure you'd show tour brother everything, but you have reasons not to. My brother just hasn't bothered with letting the rest of us know what's in there. Good luck--I am a daughter in law and I would no more expect something from my MIL than a kick in the pants. My HUBBY has her POA and is her executor and he has told me NOTHING about her "will". And I don't ask. It's none of my business!
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That is exactly why I want to have the meeting. I have nothing to hide and if there are questions moms lawyer could explain things better than me. I just hope this puts any concerns to rest. I want my brother to have copies of all documents and records.
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POA documents have to be shown to use them in any event. And, if you don't share the papers with them they have more reason to think you have something to hide.
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I want to show them the papers because I want everything in the open and it will show my SIL I only want what's best for mom. Plus I am tired of the behind the scenes drama. Mom is what is important.
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why would you want to show them the papers?
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Dutifulson, it sounds like you and my husband are one and the same in caring for an elderly parent. My FIL has been living with us for 11 years now, with zero help from his 2 siblings. Only just in the past 3-4 mos. have there been some phone calls, inquiring about the old man, realy, neither of them have been in my home or visited their Dad since atending their Mom's wake 11 years ago. Finding out their Dad is now rapidly declining Healthwise, has prompted the vultures to egin circling, in my opinion, and it is really disgusting! Hold your ground, don't expect much. And of course protect your Mom's assets, as you never know what is to come, and can only pray her monies hold out to care for her to the best of your ability. Your a great Son, and she is very lucky to have you! Hang in there!
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Good for you. Stand up for mom. It seems to me your POA will be your sword and shield. Can you you go man to man with the bro and see if he'll grow a pair? And if mom is still of sound mind warn her diplomatically of the evil sis in law. You've been doing the heavy lifting. Stick to your guns.
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That is a good idea. Just because of how difficult my SIL is I am going to ask them to meet with my mother, myself, and my moms attorney and have the papers shown and explained to her. I truly hope my brother is willing to help me, I just want mom to be happy and content. I want us all to do what us in moms best interest.
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Dutiful, Your Mom chose you as POA and yor responsibility is to make sure she is cared for to the best of your ability. That means arranging for care,moving her to proper levels of care etc. Do you also have authority to act in her behalf on medical issues? (If not, make sure that paperwork is set in motion as well).

I learned (the hard way) you can't make someone care, act or respond if they are not so inclined. In fairness (and not knowing the particulars) perhaps your sister in law (SIL) was asking about wills and POA to be sure that the paperwork existed rather than in terms of getting a piece of the action. As POA, you may slip into an appropriate conversation that 'our goal is help Mom live comfortably and with the best care possible. We will use her finances to achieve that.' End of discussion.
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Thank you both for your answers, mom is independent but I think assisted living may be in the future. My brother has done almost nothing since he married this woman 20 years ago. I called him because mom got sick and it did not look good and I wanted to give him the chance to say good bye even though he has never seemed to be interested in having anything real relationship with my mother. Thank God mom recovered and now needs more care but the rehab said she was well enough to live alone but with more support. My brother was a bit helpful at first. Then after mom got home and was doing ok his wife started asking about will and getting power of attorney, which I have had for some time, I got suspicious and worried. My mom is of modest means and while her home is paid off her estate is quite small. I want her resources to go for her care and always act in her best interest, I am afraid my brother and sister might not.
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DutifulSon, I see by your profile that your Mom [88] living in Independent Living and that she has general age decline. What are the current health issues with your Mom that she now needs more care? Would your sister-in-law be qualified to care for these extra needs or is Mom's next step Assisted Living?

Believe me, you do not want to force or guilt someone into being a Caregiver who is not cut out to be one. It's like putting a person into a job that they hate, thus productivity wouldn't be good. Does your brother help out with his Mom? If not, why not?
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DutifulSon, does your mother have a large estate? Many, many elders who had planned to leave a monetary legacy to their heirs are finding that there is not much left to leave anybody after they take care of their own increasing needs. If Mom needs to go into a care center of some kind, her savings can be eaten up quickly. Then all the worrying about who will get what becomes meaningless.

Have you had any family meetings to discuss these issues? Everyone should be aware that mother's needs come before any potential heirs. No one should make plans based on expected inheritance.

As for needing help with the caregiving, I suggest that you hire it, using Mother's money, of course. If Brother is passive and his Wife is not interested, then go ahead and do what you need to do to see that mother has what she needs.

Do you have POA? Medical Proxy? If you don't have these legal authorizations to act on Mom's behalf, now is definitely the time to do that!
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