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My brother who lives 2 hours away is in financial and emotional crisis, calls Mom almost daily, and recently came to see Mom very late at night. I don’t trust him and he lies to people about his life. He’s been trying to get money from everyone in the family – including Mom who is on Soc Sec and lives with me – but no one has anything to give him. As a last resort, he went to my grandfather, who gave a lot of money to my parents over the years and they took advantage of him.

When my brother talked to my grandfather, he told him that Mom is unhappy and she thinks my husband hates her. He also told him we don’t let Mom talk to him or go anywhere. The statement about not letting Mom talk to him or go places is a lie. Mom cannot drive and I have to take her places. And I take her a lot of places. If anything, I take her out more than she wants. I’ve never told my brother he cannot see or talk to Mom or take her anywhere.

As for my husband, he did get upset when Mom opened a package that was sent to him (a Christmas gift he ordered for me) and there were words and hurt feelings, but it wasn’t anything terrible.

So I don’t know whether to tell Mom that I heard she was unhappy. If she really is unhappy, there isn’t much I can do about it. There is no one else for her to live with and she has no finances for assisted living. I AM applying for VA aid in hopes of making it possible for her to live in assisted living, but that takes time and isn’t a sure thing.

If she is unhappy and complaining to my brother, do I address it? Confronting my brother won’t do a thing. He will just deny it (though right now he doesn’t answer my calls, texts, or emails.) And he is probably homeless right now – he just broke up with his girlfriend - so she cannot go live with him. But he is the golden child in her eyes. On top of that, my grandfather wants to talk more about this even though I told him what my brother said wasn’t true. I don’t need this stress.

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Everything sounds as though it is going well and Mom is happy in your home
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Hm. Cmc, it sounds as if you're the kind of person who reacts to criticism in the best possible way - by attending to it, and testing whether or not it indicates something you need to do. And if that's so even when the criticism is coming from a rubbish source, you couldn't be doing better. I'm glad it's all turned into positive reassurance for you - well deserved.
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Veronica91, Mom does have all those things. She has told others that she is happy and content with us. It is quiet and peaceful, she says. (My sister has two toddlers and sometimes Mom stays with them a few days and it is very noisy, she says.) I should have realized my brother was spreading poison and lying but it still got to me. I'm so glad for everyone on this forum to bounce things off of.

It is amazing, everyone I talked to except the one friend I mentioned above said NOT to raise it with Mom. And I trust fellow caregivers over someone who has not walked in my shoes - my friend has not been a caregiver.

And more follow-up, Mom actually brought up the news of my brother's actions to me last night before I had the chance. That reassured me, too, that she was trying to reassure me and tell me how grateful she is to live with us. And she called my grandfather and told him brother's comments were not true and reassured him as well.
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Does your mother seem content living with you? Is her own room private where she can be sure others won't snoop. can she use the kitchen to make a snack or cup of coffee anytime? Try and look at all these little signs and them ask about any changes she would like. Remember what she used to enjoy and if possible make it happen again. As others have said don't ask her if she is happy because it sounds as though the move is permanent so that can't be changed. Are all her healthcare needs taken care of such as eye care and dentist. Does she have annoying habits like having the TV up too loud in the evenings when your husband is home. Give her one in her room and don't be shy about telling her why but make sure she has a comfortable chair to sit in. Does she have her own things in her room, like bed linens and pictures on the wall. certainly discuss things with grandpa and listen to his input but if you don't agree politely but firmly stick to your guns. If he has money to hand out by all means let Mom take it as that will relieve the financial strain on your household.
maybe it could be used to hire someone to keep her company while you are at work. help her write letters things like that. Above all don't let brother get under your skin. He is not going to change and will continue to spread the poison but there is nothing he can do. Remember your mother is a grown up person too so does not have to be treated like a piece of bone china
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CMC sounds like things are ironed out for now......Hang in there!
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Third hand information is so unreliable that it should be completely ignored.
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My other brother called Mom today while I've been at work and told her everything about my brother. So basically, he raised the issue with her, knowing that brother #1 was lying and trying to manipulate my grandfather. He said Mom told him she is fine about everything. People don't BS brother #2, so I think she was honest with him. And I'm thankful he spilled the beans for me.

She told brother #2 she has been ignoring the phone calls from brother #1 the past few days because talking to him upsets her. I think that is why brother #1 says I won't let her talk to him. He won't ever blame Mom so he blames me.

I think my grandfather thinks Mom has more resources than she has. I've tried explaining things to him before. Plus, he says he wants to help her (still) financially but one, I don't think he should and two, I don't think he has much money left. He's 90. Even if we did agree to let him supplement Mom's finances, when he passes away, there goes that resource. It isn't ideal but she can make it on what she has now (living with me). But I can talk to him about it.
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I agree with most of the other comments on here. I wouldn't bring it up to mom. And talk to your grandfather and explain the situation. Your brother does sound like a loser who likes to stir t*rds when it suits his purpose. Those kind of people can be poison - they wreak havoc where ever they go. It sounds like he's desperate, and so is really trying to get things going. Ignore the drama. You're doing the right thing for your mom and your husband is a sweetheart for letting her live with you both.
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Sounds like your brother learned to take advantage of people from his parents, if i understand you correctly. As far as accusations your mother is unhappy, you have a right to question her about it. It serves as a way to iron out feelings and correct a problem before it escalates. Sometimes a person may feel guilty having to live with relatives. Your husband may not view her being there as the most ideal situation. Not sure the residual from your mother's stroke, but it is possible her actions can be affected by the stroke... hence opening a package not hers. is there some dementia going on? I would also talk to your grandfather..... tell him if he has any questions regarding your mothers care/ living situation you'd be glad to speak to him. Your brother sounds like a loser, his life a mess and trying to have others bail him out. Probably a substance abuse problem...... his words have little weight with your grandfather......... You can do this!
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Yes, she is my grandfather's oldest daughter. And I am her oldest daughter.
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Don't raise the issue with your mother. What could it achieve? Instead, try to take a step back to look at how she's getting on living with you and your husband, and see if there are any aspects you could improve: a little reflection can make a big difference. Or, of course, it may be that your mother is absolutely fine but it suits your brother's world view to imagine that you're making her miserable. I don't mean that your mother has to be happyhappyhappy for you to be doing a good job of caring for her, either; you can only do your best, and you can't make everything right with her world. Just see if there's anything extra or different you can realistically offer. Don't worry about her complaining to your brother: we all need to mouth off sometimes, without necessarily being accurate, proportionate or wholly truthful, and she's probably just doing that. It's not like your brother's going to whisk her away, is it? - so in the end what they say to each other makes no difference, it's just annoying. Try to rise above it.

Your grandfather is another matter. If he wants to discuss his daughter's (your mother is his daughter, yes?) wellbeing, you should talk to him. Be candid, trust him to have your mother's welfare at heart, listen to his advice (you don't necessarily have to agree with it!) and you could have an ally there. Try not to criticise your brother to him: your brother's his grandchild too, don't forget. Just be clear about your concerns and reservations.

Good luck with the negotiations, meanwhile; hope everything works out well.
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I personally prefer to let it be, but a friend advised me to raise the issue.
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I wouldn't bring it up to your mom and who knows what she's actually told your brother. It sounds like your brother is not a great source of accurate information and isn't above stirring the pot a little bit while having an agenda. But if you absolutely want to know if your mom is happy, ask her but leave your brother's name out of it.
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