How do I deal with my brothers spouses who insist on keeping their noses in our mother's (90) financial affairs?

I guess because I am/was the person as DPOA and now executor my perspective is a bit different but might still help a little. While I was DPOA I was never secretive- with my moms "okay", I answered any questions my brothers had and shared even financial info openly. The only things I kept "secret" we're actual account numbers and passwords. This protected everyone - if something turned up missing or abused, it could only have been me. Yesterday was my first meeting with the attorney to get probate on moms will started. I invited my brother along - the one who is most likely to cause problems- to begin things with the will openly and honestly, to reassure him. Both my brothers are aware - and have been for a few years - that my only stipulation in both my roles is - I will not be dealing with their wives in any informational capacity- period. If they want to know something I will only be talking directly to them. It's my opinion, things tend to get hostile and aggravated when the person "in power" is all secretive and the power goes to their head. I would suggest a meeting with any of your siblings able to attend, no spouses - but especially the POA brother. Try talking to him and suggest making your mothers affairs a "sibling only" deal.

OK, thanks for the clarification! What I would do is go to each place where this person work and see if they'll give you a written statement on the firing of the employee for money mismanagement. Tell them what you told us here and tell them you suspect likely elder financial abuse. I would also say something to the aps about it and go ahead and just make a report. If the employee was fired for money mismanagement, chances are very likely the same person will also mismanage the elder's finances and anyone else's. As mentioned here, I would also go a step further and speak with an elder care lawyer and go for guardianship if needed. Guardianship will give you full control over the person's affairs and you could even restrict visits of the problem person to the person within your guardianship, you can even put a restraining order against a problem person from visiting the person under your guardianship

For clarification, I'm not especially concerned with inheritance. My greatest concern is that the POA's wife who is his financial, and technology 'genius' (because she knows how to send an email and do online banking. Both of which he has no clue re:). The problem for me is that she has been terminated twice from jobs for mishandling money which my younger siblings don't know. How could I or anyone else now trust her with any senior's retirement money?

See an elder law attorney stat!

If you have a financial POA or guardianship, you don't have to talk with anyone about your mom's financial affairs. Set strong boundaries and even change the subject every time her financial affairs come up, and just flatly refuse to discuss her financial affairs with anyone not authorized to discuss them. If you have a TV or radio, crank the volume each time your siblings bring up her financial affairs. Just keep avoiding the topic if you have everything under control and as long as you're not doing anything you're not supposed to be doing

There r agencies that can give u free advice concerning the law. Office of the aging may know of one. I would first talk to them or a lawyer. Like said, maybe the one who made up the POA. Ask, as a sibling, what your rights are making sure your Mom's money is going to her care. Once you find that out, then call a meeting of the siblings only. I don't think Medicaid will take over if they find her funds have not been used for her.

I would suggest you contact the attorney who drew up the POA. Just because your brother is POA does not legally give his wife the right to have access to your mother's money. Your mother could say she wants the POA revoked, your brother might get in a lot of trouble for allowing his wife access, you could always hire your own attorney and bring charges against your brother for failing to uphold his obligations regarding the POA. That's the whole point of a POA to protect your mother, her assets, her property from abuse of any kind, including financial. If you can prove your SIL has had access to your mother's money, report it to Elder Abuse in your state.

I am perplexed here. If you mom has a fading memory - believe me someone needs to be handling her finances. What is your brother offending? Is he mismanaging her funds or is he making good decisions to benefit your mom.

I guess you can call me a meddler also. I have POA for my mom and manage her fiancés. When we realized mom had dementia - I took it upon myself to dig into her finances. She had fallen victim to multiple scam artists, was ripped off by buying a security system she never figured out how to use, was paying for an insurance policy that didn't even cover her any more due to her age, wrote checks to multiple charities, etc. etc. If you siblings are concerned that mom's funds are being mismanaged - then maybe you need a family meeting and have everything transparent. I was appalled when I saw how many bad choices my mother made her money.

I like you sister in law - also look after my mother-in-laws accounts. I do not, do anything wrong - I am just making sure everything is ok. My mother-in-law has dementia and cannot manage her affairs. We pay her bills, make sure her taxes are done etc.

Sounds like you need a family meeting and ask for transparency. I would do that before I pass judgment.

there is a strong possiblity that with your mothers fading memory and depending on how long she lives and how weathly she is, there will be no inheritance. My guess is your brother will spend it down as quick as possible so the governemtn (Medicaid) will kick in and pay for any long term facility that she may need in the future. Even if she is cared for by one or more of your siblings, the cost of her care will most likely eat up the estate. If you mother lives alone and you or one of the siblings is willing to take her in, talk to your brother about allowing whichever one of you is her caretaker to have access to the checking account for her care. Then you can at least monitor her accounts. If at some point your family (which with 6 children I personally think would be awful) chooses to put her in a home then all her assets will be used up quickly so there won't be any inheritance left. If she is put on Medicaid, they will most likely take the proceeds from the sale of any property after her death to pay for her previous care...and that is only fair.

I think what you are asking is how do you protect the potential inheritance you and six siblings (or 7) will get when she passes. Family relationships are really tested when it comes to money, and your family is demonstrating that point. You can either accept the POA your mother has given to the one brother, or you can all can spend your monies trying to fight about this in court. Trust me, after having been there with greedy siblings, thank God our mother had put her assets into an irrevocable trust giving all five siblings EQUAL shares in her estate. If your brother were honorable he would put her money into an irrevocable trust so money could not be "stolen" by the sister-in-law. Remember, fighting over money will only make each of you that much older.

POA not OA. Sorry for the typo.

This is why I have repeatedly said that a parent should never give OA to one child over the rest. It often causes problems. Make a non-relative (accountant etc.) the POA. Now this sibling will have to go to court and it will be very expensive.

Court order !! See an attorney immediately and petition for a Guardian to be appointed. Far better an independent guardian / conservator than one with an embezzler for a wife.

Protect you and 5 siblings? What about protecting moms funds for her care? I assume that is what you mean.

If you have evidence, not rumor and suspicion, evidence of misuse of your moms funds call the police, prosecutor or APS.

If this is about wills and inheritance see an attorney. If your mom granted poa to your brother while mentally competent there's not much you can do unless there is indeed criminal activity.